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8/17/01 (12:47 am est)
Ugh
I know that I've been sucking with the updates this week.
Today is no exception. I actually planned on updating a lot tonight, but I
just ate Taco Bell and I feel fucking ill now. I'm going to go puke my fucking
brains out and go to sleep. I promise you'll get a good update tommorow. Boy
Scout's honor.
-somah
8/15/01 (11:33 pm est)
Clones, clones, clones, clones, clones.
Yay! More cloning in the news.
Scientists from the college most known for getting white people drafted into the NBA, Duke
University, have stated that cloning humans could be a simpler process than say the
cloning of a 3,000 foot, blood crazed, dinosaur of doom. Here's the story...
Elizabeth Cohen:
Cloning humans vs. animals
CNN Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen offers
some perspective on a report by researchers at Duke University that cloning "may be
less complicated in humans than in sheep" because of a subtle genetic difference
between humans and most other animals.
In this amazing interview, Ms. Cohen demonstrates nothing
but high caliber journalism. She draws the ephermal line that separates CNN from the
rest of its contenders.
"So Mr. Hotshot scientist, describe to
me the exact process of cloning a human."
"Well, its a rather complicated
process. Genetically speaking, first you..."
"Do you understand the moral
obligations behind what you are doing? DO YOU CLAIM TO BE A GOD?"
"No, no, no... No one ever claimed...
This is for the good of humanity..."
"Silence, blasphemer! The lord will
smite thee!"
"Whoah... hang on now..."
"IMPUDENT FOOL!!! FOUL DEMON!!!
Well that's all the time we have for today. Thank you Duke University
scientist. What? I need to at least one more question to make this an official CNN
interview? Ok... Does this haircut make me look like a man?"
"umm.. I've got a rocket! VROOM!"
All fucking around aside, Is this what passes
as journalism these days? This bitch asked three lame ass questions, that contain
little to no information pertaining to the subject. If it is indeed that simple,
sign my ass up for a position over at CNN. I could think up of at least 4 maybe 10
decent questions while under the effects of 5 lines of bathtub crank. For the
purpose of demonstration, I will now snort 5 lines of crank. Observe...
Me: "Hello how are you tonight scientist
I'm good thank you my first questions is why do you believe it is easier to clone a human
instead of an animal my second question is what scientific proof do you have to back up
your hypothesis my third question is when do you think it will be possible to actually
clone a human last but not least will you clone me a jesus wait I have one more question
nevermind I forgot please give me more crank I like crank do you like crank I think its
fun lets rob a store to buy some more crank.
Tada! See how fucking simple? I
could go into a diatribe on corporate media and their conspiracy agendas of dumbing down
the general populace, but I'm afraid it will fall upon deaf ears. More then likely,
you all have already been influenced by your TV sets, and I wouldn't want you to strain
you feeble minds. Instead, here's a picture of a girl sucking dick.
For those of you dedicated enough to continue to reading
after masturbation, here is the rant... In morse code...
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That is all.
-somah
Old shit's in the archives..
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8/14/01 (1:52 pm est)
Elementary old boy...
This just in from CNN.com...
ANNAPOLIS, Maryland (CNN) -- A missing intern. A
murdered child beauty queen. The slain wife of a film and TV star.
The cases of Chandra Levy, Jon Benet Ramsey and Bonny Lee
Bakley have routinely commanded headlines as investigators continue following trails that
grow more faint with each passing day.
Yet those cases are but a few police investigations in
which leads have dwindled or dried up. In just the United States Navy and Marine Corps,
say military officials, investigators are confronted with some 80 cases where the trail
has grown cold, the clues scarce.
Apparently a group of elite criminologists are going to
gather to form a super high-tech, incredibly ingenious, cadre of crime-solving might.
Experts everywhere will now combine their magnificent intellect to boggle over the
world's greatest unsolved mysteries... and solve them. Here's some of the cases that
they will be attempting to solve:
Unsolved Mystery 1. Why does the cat piss on everything I
own?: This mystery has fascinated the minds of criminal
scientists for years. The clues have been few and far between, and the police have
helped little. With little evidence besides the residual piss stains left on my
clothes and a smiling, relieved cat meandering away from the scene of the crime,
authorities have been left dumbfounded.
Unsolved Mystery 2. Why are the girls that I date complete
pyscopaths?: For years, I have successfully managed to
date criminally insane lunatics. From knife-wielding nymphomaniacs to clingy,
melodramatic chainsaw murderers, I have left no stone unturned in my habitual search for
girlfriends. Hopefully these criminologists will help share some insight on the
situation and help me find a nice, sexually active girl.
Picture taken moments before my
ex-girlfriend decided to demonstrate some amateur plastic surgery.
This is random pornography.
Unsolved Mystery 3. The case of my missing
socks and one pair of boxer shorts: It all appeared to
be a normal day. I was watching TV, listening to the heavy thunking noise of my
drying machine, drinking a soda, oblivious to the fact that a terrible tragedy was afoot.
I went to work secure in the fact that when I arrived home I would have a fresh
pair of clean, warm socks to wear on my feet, I was apparently wrong. Upon
inspection of the washing machine (hereby referred to as exhibit a), I discovered that all
of my socks and a stray pair of boxers had gone MISSING.
Where could they have gone? Did they
decide to engage in some massive sock orgy, far from the prying eyes of humans? Were
they stolen by Aaron the thief?
Did the cat piss on them and destroy the evidence? Did "exhibit a"
go completely haywire, devour the socks, and proceed to regurgitate them into the 4th
dimension?
I JUST WANT MY SOCKS BACK!!!!
Will this unit of hardcore criminologists be
able to prove their mettle? How long will these mysteries defy the minds of
humanity? Only time will tell...
"Make an untrained skill (detective)
check at a negative 20."
-somah
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