...living in conformity... |
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8/01/01 I got jacked!!!!! So im sitting around my house yesterday, feebly trying to learn guitar, when my roommate busts down the wall like the fucking Kool-Aid Man, and asks me how much money I had in my wallet because its now empty. Some fucker came into my damn apartment and stole 46 fucking dollars from me. Ok, let me first explain. This place is like grand central station for retards. I see more idiots stroll through here then your average peepshow clerk. I've seen primordial sludge with a higher intellect then most of these fucks. Anyway, evidently this anal-wart infested kid named Aaron thinks it would be real clever to take my hard earned drug money right outta my wallet. Wasting no time, I slide down the batpole and run over to his house. Knock, Knock... Gimmie back my money mother fucker. Here's what I saw when I kicked in the door:
Ok, wait I lied... That's the dream I was having last night. Lemme try it again. I kicked down the door and this is what I saw:
note: not actually Aaron, but an accurate depiction Except, only in his underwear. The sight was enough for me to take a nail gun to my eyes right then and there and I'm still considering seeking professional therapy. I still needed to get my fucking money back, so I bumrush the apartment. The mother fucker tries to bust some caps into me, but I'm too quick and I dodge like the Matrix. Right about this time, my roommate comes around the corner with an AK-47 and starts hosing the thief down. I grab my money and slap muh boy hi-five and we both simultaneously say, "Another day, another dead thief, another dollar!" Ok, I'm lying again. I knocked on the fuckers door, and he gave me the money back. That's the real story, but it was way too fucking boring. No I didn't hit him. May I please justify myself before you label me a pussy? I honestly was way too fucking furious to think about fighting. The end. ----- 7/31/01 (12:33 pm est) Hello My Future Girlfriend I'm getting married... Well, when my brand new Russian bride arrives via UPS. If this one works out, Ill order another or four. Maybe collect like a set of them, and put them to work as a death squad of Russian Lesbian Ninja Hackers. I was completely unaware that Russian women were so utterly hot, and there is about a million and one to pick from. This is the one that should be crammed into my mailbox within 3-5 working days.
Notice those plush DSL lips and the glass which, could only logically be held in place by a pair of gorgeous Russian tits. I was tempted to order a few others, seeing as how the Russian ruple's value is now based upon Sour Apple Now 'n Laters. Here's another that caught my gaze...
I was seriously tempted to purchase this one immediately... She seems to come equipped with her very own gun and bathroom set. Her profile reads, "I love vodka, and I'm ready to hit America's streets to wage the never ending battle against crime. My hobbies are massive lesbian orgies and initiating secret police raids against the commoners. I have a kung-fu grip and I'm not afraid to use it." Its fucking amazing how perfect her English is. The odd thing about these women is their return policy. It appears that if they don't perform up to my demanding standards then I am free to send them back for a complete refund. God Bless capitalism. ----- 7/28/01 (4:37 pm est) Holy fucking christ.... Let me first apologize, I've been a whiny cunt lately. My updates have sucked, hard... A sucking similar to the lip seal applied by a 3 dollar crack whore earning a 20 dollar rock. A new born baby on silicon breast type of sucking, and I'm sorry. I've got to get my broke hobo ass to work because I'm poor as hell. If any of you would like to donate to the official Somah Really Likes to Smoke Cigarettes United Way Charity Foundation of Latter Day Saints feel free to email me here to sign up for the FREE newsletter... Here's what our top contributors had to say: Porn Star, Jenna Jameson: I immediately subscribed to the SRLtSCUWCFoLDS newsletter and 3 weeks later I was given the role of "random ass-fucked girl at Lo Ming's All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet" over that bitch Mia McAnalton in the up-and-coming blockbuster Hung Dong Fooey. I owe it all to the incredibly well-endowed Somah and his miracle newsletter! Thanks Somah! Deceased poet, Edgar Allen Poe: When I'm not busy spending my long nights haunting creepy cemeteries or inspiring boring, bland, base goth kids to write terrible "poetry," I'm checking out the latest issue of that incredible newsletter from the people at SRLtSCUWCFoLDS! Savior of the world, Jesus H. Christ: It pleases your omnipotent Lord and Savior that he has created a group of people like the fine folks at SRLtSCUWCFoLDS. Your Lord only expects a 10% tithe of your wages, why not contribute the rest to SRLtSCUWCFoLDS? ----- 7/26/01 (9:18 pm est) BORED In an effort to keep my readers informed, I have been staring blankly at a computer screen looking for something entertaining. Fuck this, I'm actually lying... I'm trying to think of something funny to say, so that you, the uninformed and un-entertained visitor will return to this shithole of a webpage. For lack of anything to say I will now waste my valuable time (ie: time that could be used laying around) to inform everyone why this webpage was created. This page is a manifestation of my overwhelming ego. Like a small child expecting a Nintendo with ROB the robot and Gyromite for christmas, I load my statistics page and anticipate how many pathetic lifeforms have been suckered into visiting. That's right I'm calling everyone of you pathetic... you make me sick. This sight was originally built to prove that I was cooler than you and everyone like you... Its design rested on the knowledge that I wasn't the typical 40 ton muckdweller that infested the internet at the time. It was designed so that I could infatuate myself with the idea that I am superior than everyone else. Over time this page has melted and congealed into what it is today... A collection of stolen pornography, and a pseudo-online journal. I say pseudo because half the shit I say is falsified... Originally it was done on purpose, to prove the point that everyone was a fucking liar. Somewhere along the way though, I lost myself to the world that I created. I am the world's biggest hypocrite, and this is my manifesto. ----- 7/25/01 (5:14 pm est) Sleeping is my 9 to 5... I stopped smoking pot yesterday, don't ask why. So in an adventure to alleviate the mundaneness of reality, I went and saw Jurassic Park 3. How was it, you ask? Pretty decent, I mean if you take it for what it is: 90 minutes of big fucking dinosaurs crushing everything, in relentless pursuit of some retarded humans. ME GRIMLOCK AND ME CRUSH YOU NOW! RUN IN FEAR TINY HUMAN, ME HUNGRY! SOMAH THINK HE IS COMEDIAN MAN, BUT ME LAUGHING NOW. I CRUSH HIM AND USE BONES FOR TOOTHPICK. NO MORE NAKED GIRLIES FOR YOU! HULK SMASH! ----- 7/23/001 (2:30 pm est) ugh... My brain is dead... I cut it out last nigh and lost it somewhere on the floor. That's right kiddies, I'm fucking strung out. Not really mangled or ate up, my body is fine. My head on the other hand, is completely hollow. No witty monologue for you fucks today. Now for something completely random from APBNews: Girls, 13 and 10, Held After Foiled Bank HeistJuly 23, 2001 BALDWIN, Pa. - Two girls aged 13 and 10 tried to rob a bank and told police that they did it for shopping money, authorities said. I really can't even think of anything to say about this. I'm sure originally that I had something funny that went along with this but I just lost the thought in a toxic haze of marijuana smoke. Read the whole story right here.
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