Malefesoi had been on a PMS rage for sixteen years, and she was not happy. The stupid curse had caused the unending flow of hormones and the only way to cure it would be to fulfill said curse, and have Nakago die. Which really sucked, Malefesoi thought, because she geniuinely liked Nakago and didn't really want him to die. Of course, no man is worth sixteen years of cramps, bloating, headaches, and a craving for cookie dough ice cream (which didn't exist back then and made it all the worse).

So, she deployed her Kutou assassins every day since the christening to cure her condition sooner. But no one ever found him.

The legions of Kutou assassins came out of the shoebox under Malefesoi's bed, where she kept them until they were needed, and lined up in formation.

"Yes, Malefesoi, ma'am!"

"Why haven't you brought me the boy?!"

The leader looked around at his troops, all of them shrugging stupidly. "Boy?... What boy?"

Malefesoi began to glow menacingly, and her loyal hound started gnashing his teeth. "The boy you have been searching for the past sixteen years, idiot."

Seishi Interlude:

"Why do I have to be the bad guy? And I do NOT have PMS!"

Nakago looked at her. "Because the powers that be are sick, and yes you do."

Story:

The leader had decided that he and his men would be smarter than the goblin soldiers in the story and actually look for a grown, sixteen-year-old girl. Unfortunately, Nakago was not that lucky. "Uhm, it's "Sleeping Beauty", right? It's supposed to be a girl..."

Malefesoi's glowing turned fluorescent and began throwing eerie shadows everywhere, and a warning showed up on the wall that read "Do Not Look Directly At Malefesoi". "IDIOTS! THIS STORY IS THE SLEEPING BISHOUNEN, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR A BOY!"

And so, the Kutou assassins were smote.

She slumped down into her throne and took two Midols. She rubbed her temples and called forth her loyal hound. "Loyal hound, you are far more competent than they were, as much as that scares me."

"Arf!" barked the loyal hound.

Seishi Interlude:

"That's true, you know, Ashitare being more competent than the assassins? Ashitare killed someone and swiped the Shinzaho!"

"Arf!" barked the loyal hound.

Story:

Malefesoi patted her hound on the head as he wagged his butt. "Find me a shogun with hair of sunshine gold, and eyes as blue as.... well, they're REALLY blue. Why am I telling you this? You're colorblind."

Seishi Interlude:

Tomo and Soi drooled at the never-long-enough description of Nakago's beauty.

Ashitare licked Nakago's boots.

Nakago tried to pretend it wasn't happening.

Story:

And so, the loyal hound bounded off through the window and landed square on his face, because the window was up twelve stories.

<In the aforementioned convenient woodcutter's cottage>

"Oh, New-ton! Where are you, dear?" Faunaboshi called. He had the largest hand in raising Nakago since they had brought him here, and had been the one to choose a new name for him. Meriboshi wanted to call him something like Demonspawn or Satan, and Floraboshi wanted to name him a really manly name, like Bubba.

Seishi Interlude:

"Newton? Amiboshi, come on, fess up, are you gay?"

"I AM NOT! Newton is a NICE name. It's from the guy who discovered gravity!"

"He's not gay, Yui-sama. If he was gay, I would be too, and we all know I'M not gay."

"Suuuure you're not."

"I'M NOT! Really! Come on, I'm straight! I love Yui-sama!"

Tomo quietly took Suboshi's hands and looked straight into his eyes. "It's okay, Suboshi, you're overcompensating. Don't be afraid to be who you are!"

Suboshi turned blue.

Story:

And so, "Newton" came into the room. "Yes, Uncle Faunaboshi?"

Faunaboshi smiled. He really had grown up to be a sexy bitch, just as Floraboshi promised. He had a voice that could peel paint off a building but the looks generally made up for it, if he didn't sing. Of course, Nakago LIKED to sing and that just made everything worse.

Seishi Interlude:

"Is it over yet? Can I go get something to eat?"

Tomo jumped up, Shin in hand. "NO ONE MOVES UNTIL THE STORY IS FINISHED."

Story:

"Would you be a dear and go out into the woods and pick berries for us?" Faunaboshi asked, handing him a basket.

Floraboshi, however, would hear nothing of the sort. "Berries!? You are raising this boy to be a pansy, Aniki, and I intend to do something about it. Newt, go out and find an animal. Kill it. Mutilate it. If you get hungry, you can start a fire with some sticks and roast it over an open flame. Just remember to kill it good and dead and bring it home."

Newton smiled. Hunting was so much more fun than berries! He said, "Of course, Uncle Floraboshi!" and he was on his way out.

"Wait, Newton! You forgot your bow and arrows!" Meriboshi said evilly. He had cursed them, and every arrow would fly straight into Newton's heart once it left the string.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Aunt Meriboshi! I'll just ki-blast everything I hunt! Bye-bye!"

Seishi Interlude:

"Bye-bye?"

"Don't look at ME, Aniki raised him."

"And you're both gay."

"WE ARE NOT!"

Story:

And so, Newton went to go hunt and kill something. "Good, he's gone!" Faunaboshi said happily. "Now we're going to make his birthday cake and a new dress-"

"OKAY, ANIKI," Floraboshi said. "I'm putting my foot down on this one. Newton? Okay. Berries? I can deal with berries. But you even THINK of putting a dress on that boy and I swear I will shove the business end of a ryuuseisui up your ass until you cough up feathers, you got me!?"

Faunaboshi looked hurt. "But it would look so cute..."

"BE A MAN, ANIKI, you don't DO cute! We're gonna make him something MANLY, and that's FINAL."

Seishi Interlude:

"Thank you, Suboshi."

"I told you I wasn't gay!"

Story:

"Well, FINE, you guys go and make whatever it is you're going to make, I'm going to make a cake!" Faunaboshi huffily left for the kitchen.

"You do that. Come on, Meriboshi, let's get to work. Go float up on that stool."

"What are we making?"

"Armor. It's nice and manly and he can go off into war, and maybe it'll keep Prince Tomo off him a little longer."

Seishi Interlude:

"I hope Prince Tomo has a stronger will than that," Tomo noted.

The authors appeared! "Don't worry; he does!"

Story:

And so they set to work. Faunaboshi didn't know how to cook. He had no clue how to cook, because his brother did all the cooking. Usually dinner was some form of meat and whatever vegetable managed to catch onto his clothes when he walked through the garden. So he got out the cookbook and tried to follow the instructions. We have to give him credit, it was a noble effort, but the end
result wouldn't be fit to serve as dog food.

Meanwhile, Meriboshi was floating over the stool, looking highly annoyed, as Floraboshi tossed random bits of chain mail and plate armor over him. "I don't see what this is going to accomplish."

"We're making a suit of armor for him. Shut up."

"This isn't going to work, you don't know how to make armor."

"It's just a bunch of metal, how hard can it be?"

Meriboshi looked at him. "Imbecile."

Being that he was too busy going out and hunting to pick up on most vocabulary, Floraboshi asked, "What's an Imbecile?"

Miboshi rolled his three eyes. "Idiot."

"Oh... HEY!"

Seishi Interlude:

"Hey! Not fair! I'm smarter than that!"

Amiboshi rolled his eyes. "No, you're not, Suboshi. I find myself thinking some of the stupidest, most pointless things because of you, and I can tell it's you because I never understand why I thought it in the first place."

"Like what?"

"Like wondering if Yui is allergic to black olives and peanut butter."

Yui looked at Suboshi with wide eyes. "How'd you know?!"

Story:

<Out in the forest>

Newton crouched behind a rock, blue eyes fixed on his target: a beautiful, meaty deer grazing mere yards before him, oblivious to all but the fresh, green grass.

"Yes!" he cheered softly, trying not to alert the deer. But he couldn't help himself and softly began to sing his favorite song. "Brue eyes, brue..."

The deer's head shot bolt upright, and it fled for its dear life, kicking up a cloud of dust and small insects as it bounded away at breakneck speed.

"No! Wait! Come back!... Damn it! That's the fifth one today!" Newton kicked at the dirt and decided to pick berries. Berries didn't run away, even though Newton liked to sing while he picked and the berries desperately wished they COULD haul ass away from him.

And so, he wandered around to find a berry bush, singing as he went.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Prince Tomo rode his noble steed, stopping at a lake to take a drink. He had grown into an unbelievably sexy bitch himself! He had long, flowing silvery-black hair and eyes the shade of molten gold. He was tall and slim as a statue. He was more graceful than any of the palace dancers, and his voice was soft and gentle as a dove's. His smile could make flowers bloom. He delighted all who knew him. (He was so beautiful that the authors were beginning to wonder if HE shouldn't have
been the main character. Unfortunately for Nakago, it was FAR too late too be worried about that now.) He had a large following, not all of whom were female. Unfortunately for them, the Prince Tomo held the love of only one in his heart. The Prince Nakago, his betrothed. Ever since the day of the christening, he had never forgotten his love's eyes.

Seishi Interlude:

"Would you just get on with the story already?!" Soi asked, wondering why her Nakkie-poo hadn't gotten a paragragh of description.

The authors appered! "Because Nakago isn't as beautiful as Tomo!"

Tomo hugged the authors, whose fics he was beginning to love and anticipate.

The authors nose-bled all over Tomo's outfit.

Story:

A deer came racing past him, and Tomo wondered what had scared it so badly. He climbed down from his steed and knelt at the edge of the water to drink. Suddenly he sat up and listened.

"Brue Eyes, Brue..."

"Is that--supposed to be singing?"

Then, he remembered. On the day of a certain christening, when a baby had been gifted with Bad Song.

"Only one thing could make such an ungodly noise! It must be him!" Tomo realized. Merrily, he began to skip (his horse had run off) towards Newton.

Newton, the poor sap, had no idea what was coming.

"MY LOVE!"

Newton screamed and threw his carefully gathered berries everywhere. He beat at the arms around his chest, trying to get a good look at the face on the dark head burrowing into his back.

"MY LOVE!" the man proclaimed again, nuzzling Newton's neck.

Newton began to panic, until the words of his wise Uncle Floraboshi came back to him: "A real man has to be strong so he can protect his wom--....uhm, fellow man, I guess."

All the lessons of drunken bar brawling that he had picked up along the way (again from Uncle Floraboshi) came flooding back to his mind. Newton reached behind him, twining his fists into the back of the stranger's shirt and threw him over his head and flat onto his back.

"My love..." Tomo choked out, despite the lack of air in his lungs, "Why do you turn me away?...Don't you recognize me?"

Newton finally got a good look at his face and fell instantly in love!

Seishi Interlude:

"AW HELL NO!"

"NOOOOO! NOT MY NAKKIE-POO!"

"LUUUUUUUUUCKYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Story:

But, Newton knew from his uncles and aunt that he was betrothed to someone else, and he couldn't betray his family by running off with some mysterious, beautiful stranger.

"I'm sorry... I do love you, but I can't...I'm promised to someone else!"

"ME! You're betrothed to ME! ME! I'm RIGHT HERE! MEEE!" Tomo pointed to himself with many neon signs.

Newton smiled sadly. "Please, don't try to sway me with your sweet words! I'm sorry!" and with that, Newton turned tail and fled toward his home.

"NOOO! Wait! MATTE YO! Noo.... Come back..." Tomo whimpered, unable to keep up with his blond beloved. He finally sat down- bump- in the grass and temporarily mourned his loss. To console himself, he gathered up the berries Newton had dropped and began to eat them, convinced that any berry picked by his beloved's hands were sweeter than any other berry the forest could provide.

Seishi Interlude:

"Poor Prince Tomo," Tomo sniffed.

Nakago and Soi wept in joy, thanking the powers that be that the fic had not turned into a yaoi lemon right there in the middle of the forest.