It was a regular morning. One of those mornings where you wake up and say to yourself, 'Boy I feel regular this morning'. The night time lights of New Orleans had long given way to the harsh, unrepenting light of the sun. The pimps, drug pushers, thugs, assholes and other assorted seedy characters were either on vacation in the 32nd division or they were tucked in bed after a night of what they might call festivities. Well at that point I hated them. Hated them all! They had the opportunity to sleep in and I had to get up and face another day. My name is Jimbob Urinator Private Investigator. I was off duty, a vacation of sorts. Little was I to realize that soon I would find myself deep within the mystery of the unclaimed log..... But at that moment I was dying for cup of joe and a cigarette. The cup of joe I was dying for because I needed a caffeine fix and the cigarette I was dying for (in a most literal way) belonged to one Johnnie 'Big Flirt' Pisano. I had enough beer and cigarettes the night before, and didn't need any more trouble at this hour.
"What d'ya want Johnnie?",I asks him.
"The boys says you been nosing round my cornflakes. You know I don't like anyone nosing in my cornflakes. I'm the Big Flirt in this town, and I don't appreciate anyone cutting in on my racket" he said it in a calm voice but I knew what he meant.
He meant he'd put the boys on me if I didn't fess up, but I wasn't about to tell 'em nuthin.
"I aint been messin' in your cornflakes Johnnie, but I have been messin' in your other cereals, they don't call me the Urinator for nuthin!"
At this Johnnie turned green and promptly ran to the bathroom. Unfortunately Pisano left his goons behind. Lucky for me they weren't looking for trouble, in fact, Johnnie's right hand man Erik "Viking" Barfsen was more concerned that Johnnie was taking his shower time! He always had to be the first in the shower.
It was Mardi Gras and I was stuck in a Hotel room with Four gangster types. How I got into this situation I don't know. One minute you're studying economics and the next you're down in Mardi Gras waking up with a head ache complaining about cereal.
"Okay my turn get outta tha' damn shower ya' bastard, yar using up all the warm watah!" I says to Johnnie.
"Es my turn next, you slept een.", says a voice. I turn around and there stands Lucas 'El Loco' Cornboyez. He was a rough type, especially when he wore his cornhat. Some people said you could see the devil in his eyes! He was long suspected of running popcorn over the border into Alaska, getting them hooked on the stuff. Then he'd jack up the price of popcorn across the board. If rumours be true he was no one to mess with.
"Have your damn shower, popcornboy. I hope it makes you happy!"
I decided if I couldn't have a shower the least I could do was have a coffee and get rid of my empty stomach. There stood in the kitchen, Soya 'Typhoon' Wannafito. He was a master at the oriental art of picking fights. Witnesses said he could drink Four hurricanes (or Typhoons as they're known over in Japan), bum eight lights for cigarettes he'd never smoke, and call a man a Fucking Asshole, all in the walking distance of one city block! I let him eat his cereal for fear of crossing the almighty Zen master. I wasn't gonna mess in his cornflakes, at least not yet.
Then it finally happened the door to the Bathroom swung wide and it was my turn to shower. I stepped into the bathroom surprised to find not a single towel left.
"Thanks for not leavin' any towels ya' bastards!", I says quickly, when in the corner of my eye I see something.
"What tha Hell is This!!!"I exclaims."It's a friggin' Log!!!!!"
Yes, there it lay floating around the top of the can. Someone had plugged the toilet and it was my duty to find out who!!! My first job at hand was to question all the possible suspects and assuming there were only four other guys in tha' room it was gonna be easy. I started with Johnnie.
"What time were you in tha' bathroom this morning?",I asked. "I don't know?! Why you asking me? Kev... I mean, Wannafito, was in there last!"
"No I wasn't! Cornboyez was last!",exclaimed Wannafito.
"So what's the story Cornboyez? Did you clog the can?", I asks.
"No senor.", Cornboyez replied. He was shaving his head in the washroom now.
"What about you Barfsen? You shit today?"
"Yes but it was much earlier.", Barfsen replies.
"Aha!" it was starting to piece together now. "But isn't it possible your shit came back up?!!"
Barfsen looked baffled, and a little disturbed at the thought. "Just what are you trying to say? Are you accusing me of clogging the toilet!!", Barfsen exclaimed.
"No.", I says. "All I'm saying is that anyone who took a shit this morning could be the culprit of the clogged toilet."
"Maybe you clogged it and now you're trying to blame it on one of us!!!", Pisano yells.
"I never shit so it's gotta be one of you!", I yelled back. "What, do you think the maid came in and clogged our toilet??"
"Yes, that was it.", said Cornboyez.
"Maybe it was the neighbour's toilet and it spread to ours.", reasoned Wannafito. Then suddenly it came to me and I knew the answer, the facts had lead right to it and I couldn't see them, but now I did!