Being a stand alone does not mean that you must always be by yourself. It does not mean never needing someone to help you change a flat tire (though I can do that) and never needing a helping hand or the milk of human kindness. We all need that from time to time and sometimes bad things happen when no one is around to help. But...being a stand alone means knowing that if those bad things occur *and* I'm alone I'll either be alright or I'll be dead. And if I'm dead I'm not worried anymore am I?

Being a stand alone means...I can stand alone. It does not obligate me to do so forever though. It does not mean that I don't form attachments and am incapable of feeling deeply. It is my nature to feel deeply, which is why I'd tried to keep people out of my inner being earlier in my life. Now I know that sabotaging friendships and trying to keep potential mates away by overeating is not necessary to keep my soul from dying from loneliness.

Instead, I see the presence of anyone, be it friend or spouse, as a blessing...not as a need. Knowing this makes me free to have these feelings, I can take the risk of losing the gamble. I've paid the price before and came out ahead, I've seen the worst that can happen. I've walked through the fire and come out the other side. The worst that could happen is that I'll be burned. Burn wounds heal, regardless of how painful they are.

It also means that the approval of others outside Him mean nothing to me anymore. I don't have to compromise my values, beliefs or personality to fit into anyone's universe because I don't have to be there with anyone to begin with. I can enjoy the blessings I have, be whole, achieve my dreams and live a full, rewarding life without anyone at all to stand beside or behind me.

If I find someone I have an interest in befriending, their rejection will not permanently scar me. A potential life partner who does not value me stops being a potential life partner no matter how great their other qualities are. I don't require companionship, so I don't need to endure a substandard one for the sake of not being alone.

Being a stand alone does not mean that ties are not important. I value close ties, and have learned from even the worst of them. And I've also found roses among the thorns. While I don't have to have them, I've actually found a few friends who are as true to me as I am to them. I've experienced the unconditional love of a man which, though it was not meant to be forever, was very healing. I still cherish his friendship. I've learned that while the worst may come, there is the blessing also. When I receive the blessing, the fire of loss will refine me rather than burn me. So I will keep my soul open to whatever new experiences are out there for me. And I will not grieve for those which aren't.

I never understood why things slipped through my hands, until I realized that I really don't own anything or anybody. I never understood why the world pushed me away until I realised that I did not share it's values. I never understood why the life of an innocent could be assaulted until I saw fallen man and the spiritual condition of evil for what it really was. At first these truths did not make me feel better. I bled emotionally from things way past and knowing "why" was not enough to heal the wound. Knowing these things did, however, lead me to realise that I have a path that God has prepared for me through my own unique experiences.

To me the most profound lesson God taught me is illustrated most vividly in nature...at sunrise and at sunset. The light does not last forever, darkness always comes. The darkness does not last forever, the light always comes. But these times are times of change and can be the most beautiful times of the day.

In our lives we have similar times of change. They may be the most painful of times but they are also the holiest and most beautiful. Change is what causes growth. And growth is how we become what God asks us to be.

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