The greatest loss was that of my children. I lost one baby to sids and another I miscarried. This was a great trial for me to endure. They were my greatest earthly treasure and loosing a child had been one of my worst fears. Having it materialise was a serious blow to my sense of security and control in my life. It left me feeling unstable. I felt betrayed at first, though I tried to deny it. It was another thing over the years that God took from me and I was not ready to accept His wisdom about it. I was also left with a feeling I'd wasted a lot of time I could have spent with my baby and didn't. Shortly after his death I miscarried and had to grieve that loss with similar feelings.

Another was the loss of my marriage. It was bad, no doubt. There were repeated verbal abuse sessions, repeated adulteries that I knew existed but could not conclusively prove, constant pornography use and no trust or respect between us. However, I had a dream. I had a role as a stay at home, home-schooling mother that I loved deeply and I wanted to see this dream through to the end. However it was not to be since my ex-husband decided that he preferred to start a new household rather than to work on our marriage and fix the household he currently had. My world tumbled down around me and I had no idea how to pick up the pieces.

Eventually I did brush myself off and got on with my life. This included finding a suitable job since child support alone is not really enough to run a comfortable home on. I got my own credit, my own credit cards, a new car and was looking for a house that I could afford when, once more, my world came crashing down around me. This time I lost my job. I'm still trying to analyse why that happened. But the result of this was no income for about a year and a half. I wasn't able to pay my rent, my car, my insurance and my credit cards and I was doing a very uncomfortable juggling act every month. Things lined up which forced my hand, I had to declare bankruptcy. It was a very large injury to my ego, and now it is still a handicap to my ability to conduct business in everyday life. It has since been dismissed, but it effects my ability to rent property, the cost of my vehicle insurance, how some people see me, and my attitude toward money in general.

My father moved often as I was growing up. Since relationships were difficult to come by the few I did cultivate were very important to me. It always seemed that as soon as I formed a close bond with someone who did not soon betray me to be popular I had to leave them behind. Dad would get another assignment. On the way there, in an attempt to sooth my pain, my parents would chirp "You'll make all new friends when you get there." I knew better. I'd be rejected again and if I did find another close friend I'd have to leave. I learned to keep even those I cherished at arms length. You never know when you might have to leave.

I've lost other things too. I've lost my looks. This may not sound like a big deal but I had discovered that it was easy when you are pretty to influence people by simply smiling a certain way. When my looks left so did my "power" over people, I was back to being on the bottom of the food chain. I've lost possessions which meant alot to me during my various moves, such as a stuffed dog my father brought me back from Vietnam and all of my high school and college yearbooks. I've had to sell my belongings during my unemployed period. While I was trying to get the money to move and find a new career, I was selling off my books and clothing at a local flea market each weekend.

In the end these things taught me that I could endure loosing the most precious things in my lifetime because I indeed HAD done it. I learned that God is there even when you don't think He is or when you don't want Him around. I learned to trust Him to have control over things I could not control an to accept the things I thought were unpleasant just as much as the things which were. I learned money is not the measure of who you are, neither is your place in your family. No one person or one thing is promised to us forever, we need to value time with loved ones. We need to both make full use of our worldly goods when we have them and yet not become so dependent we cannot endure their loss. It was a strange thing to sit at the flea market and feel relieved to see your belongings go to someone else. This and each other loss was one more lesson which eventually led me to holding everything and everyone with an open hand, ready to let go whenever God desired it. In the end, my relationship with God is the only thing I can keep.

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