This is a very important point. Please don't allow anyone to tell you how to grieve, and don't judge the way others deal with the same event. While my husband (now ex) and I thought each other were being dysfunctional, we have both gotten to a place where we miss our son but accept his passing from this life. We did this in our own ways, in our own time and in the way best for each of us. It's a shame we didn't see the truth of this while we were grieving. It may have made our home a better place to live. I wouldn't go so far as to say it would have saved our marriage, but it would have made what time we had a lot different.

When we are blinded by grief, we grasp at straws trying to find meaning and trying to find ways to cope. Below are listed some things that I did trying to cope with the death of my son which I found particularly helpful. Feel free to try them all, or none of them. I've listed them here as ideas because when we are hopeless sometimes ideas are in short supply. I hope you find them helpful.

1. Having No Regrets:

Because I regretted the way I ran my life before my son died, I can see how regret can scar. On the other hand, because I knew everything had been done right the night he died, I can't go back and look at this and say "if only." This is very comforting. If you are dealing with the death of a child in the early stages...make sure that you do everything from the way you notify your relatives down to the way you memorialise his life at the funeral the way you wish to. Sing the songs you want, pick the cemetary you want, dress him the way you want.

My son's life was partially to teach me to live with no regrets. I started heeding it the day he died (though the depth of that lesson was not felt for years). My older son, who was very close to his little brother attended the funeral and took his own flowers. I never wanted him to feel regret for not saying goodbye. I took a very active role, to the point where the funeral home thought I was going to have a duel with the priest attending the ceremony, but the funeral was the way my husband and I wanted it. I took pictures that I never look at, just in case I may have wanted them later on. Better to have them and not see them than to never have them and regret it. And I made sure that I did everything I felt I needed to in order to never think I'd disrespected my son's memory. Regret stings and kills the soul. Mourn without it.

2. Speaking the Name:

I know it made people uncomfortable,but I never quit talking about my son. Even when we were told "we only talk about the living." by my ex mother in law. She may have that attitude but I don't. I talked with strangers, smiling past their uncomfortable silences and telling them not to feel sorry. I talked with my pastor, I talked with my older son, I talked with my husband when he would listen. At first I felt as though if I didn't talk my son's memory would fade away somehow. In the end what I gained from this was that I had an active outlet for feelings which needed to be released and it help me solidify the truth and accept it as it was.

3. Soothing the Soul:

Usually a very deep and intense person, I changed for the beginning of my grieving period. I spent alot of time reading material which I would have found shallow at any other time because it was soothing to my soul. I spent alot of time in prayer and going over inspirational material and listening to soft music. I avoided heavy discussions and debate as they cost too much emotional energy and caused too much mental turmoil. I tried to avoid making life changing decisions, choosing to wrap myself in things which comforted me and made me feel secure and loved. I regarded the condition of my heart as if it were physically wounded, giving my spirit rest and TLC rather than exercise and stimulation. I believe it is the right thing to do and recommend it highly.

4. Allowing Need:

It's hard enough for us to admit that we need the help of others periodically. It's also awkward for friends, loved ones and to a certain extent aquaintances to deal with our wounded condition. When people have trauma in their lives those around them have no idea what to do to make things easier. They know they can't make it go away, they can't say anything profound...so they bake casseroles and mow your lawn without invitation.

At first I found this reaction to be a little disconcerting. I seemed to want to be alone, yet I could tell that those around me NEEDED to help. A small kindness from an aquaintance does not obligate you to a lifetime of close friendship...and they don't expect it from you. I began also to realise that there was more to this situation. God blesses those who bless others during times of trial and even if I didn't NEED to be blessed, THEY needed to do it. If someone bakes you a casserole and you don't need it, accept it anyway. Take it out of the dish and place it in tin foil and put it in a freezer bag for use at a later date. Give the cleaned dish back with a thank you note and tell them how much it means that they thought of helping you at such a time and let them be blessed by their kindness. Then you can eat it sometime later when you're too beside yourself with grief to cook and your family is hungry and be blessed yourself...

5. Making a Memorial:

If you look throughout human history you find the need for those who are left behind to memorialise those who have entered eternity. I'm not totally sure why this is, but it seems to be a very human need. For some the headstone is enough. For others, like me, it wasn't even a start.

I found the best memorials are actually made in the form of traditions. The best thing we have done is that our family adopts a needy child over the holidays. We usually get the names from the local angel tree, though not always. I chose a boy who is the same age my son would be, purchase gifts as if he were my son and wrap them. My other sons help, and they know why we give them. There is also a stocking we keep with a stuffed animal in it, which is my son's. It's never empty, and it shows that he is always with us. I tell stories about his short life while looking at our photo albums with his pictures in it. I've baked cakes on his birthday or cooked a special birthday meal. We've made donations to organisations such as the gideons in his name and a few books have been purchased for the library in his name. How you chose to memorialise your loved one will be a personal decision, but it is a very healthy and human thing to do.

6. Getting Counseling:

Yes, sometimes we need this so that we know we are not going crazy. A few sessions with a counselor or clergy member can lift a very heavy load from you. Don't be afraid. I found it to be very valuable. It was a good safe place to speak the name, if nothing else.

7. Giving Charity:

Ever wonder why some people take up causes so intensely? With most who have devoted years to cancer awareness or whatever, you will find that their lives were touched by someone who had the disease or event to which they now devote their time. It seems natural that once you've had tragedy you want to reach out and either prevent or ease the suffering of someone else. If you feel you wish to, don't ignore that desire.

I've given money and a little time to SIDS organisations. However my preference is to deal with hurting people in a one on one situation. I'll walk with you, I'll cry with you. My mailbox and phone are open to those who need. Of course I can't make it better for you. I will not tell you otherwise. I also won't bake you casseroles or repeat all the cliche`s - even the true ones. But I can be a friend who has already run through the fire. It hurts but I can hold your hand until you make it to the other side.

8. Learning the Lesson:

All life has a reason to be, and we don't die before it's fulfilled. Your loved one lived his or her life, even though it was short, for a purpose. You may never know all of what that is, but it is comforting to seek some answers. Or at least it was for me.

One of the reasons my son lived was to show my husband and I the life we were supposed to be living as a family. Time spent with loved ones is precious and you never know when the last moment is. Don't put off the hug, don't leave things unsaid. Keep short accounts of your hurts and keep those you love close to you. We knew these things of course, but did not live them. I try to remember that lesson daily, now. I have two other children and God did not promise me a lifetime with them either.

Along the same lines, my son's life and death taught me to live in such a way that we don't experience regret. By this I don't mean that we have to fret over whether we will regret a choice we make or whether something will backfire on us. I mean to do what we think is important because we may not get another chance to pass trail we are on today again. If you want to bless someone, don't wait. If you need to apologise, don't put it off. Don't put the petty things of the world in front of God or family. You don't usually get a do-over. Do things right the first time so you don't regret it later.

What did your loved one teach you? Was it that he or she taught you to smile again? Did your priorities become clear? Did you see your spouse or your parents in a new light? Were you brought to faith? Are you questioning your life choices? Have you found an area in your heart you never saw before? Was this person's life somehow an inspiration to you? I learned alot from my son and I didn't realise everything I'd learned until much later. Look back periodically and see where you've grown because of the life and loss of your child. Sometimes having an understanding of WHY this happened, or at least one of the reasons why, can bring comfort to an aching heart.

I hope that my ideas are helpful to you. If my ideas are not helpful, don't give up. Look within and look to those around you. There are as many ways to deal with loss as there are people, you are bound to find a few ideas which are helpful. God bless you on your journey.

Here are some resources to help you understand what has taken place in your life if you have lost a loved one to SIDS. If you know of anything which should be linked here, please let me know.

SIDS Network
SIDS.Org
SIDS Australia
SIDS Alliance
National SIDS Resource Center
Institutes of Health Articles
Back To Sleep Campaign
A Family Support Page
Reduce the Risk of SIDS
Family Village Library on SIDS

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