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� You can leave your instrument unattended, because nobody can steal it without construction equipment
--Although you sometimes have to evict squatters
-- or spelunkers
� You've ever found a foreign object in the bell
-- And the object was larger than a golf ball
-- And the object was larger than a baseball
-- People use your bell to practice their dunk shots
-- with a basketball
-- And it was the music from your last performance
-- Which was a musical
-- with a large book
-- You've ever lost an object in the bell
-- and it was a pet
-- You've ever heard voices (not your own) coming from the bell
� When you look into the neck you can see Mars
-- And the instrument itself can be seen from Mars
� Your bell has its own weather
-- rain
-- hail
-- snow
-- tides
-- climate
� Your neckstrap requires more padding than your seat
� You have to warn people when you're going to move your instrument
-- And it has rearview mirrors
-- And it beeps when you back up...
� Your mouthpiece weighs more than some trumpets
-- More than a Monette trumpet
-- and is large enough to drink from
-- to bathe in
-- to waterski in
� You use a helicon as a mouthpiece adapter
� Your reed is the size of some mouthpieces
� You have trouble just finding reeds
-- You buy 2 by 4's from the lumberyard for reeds
� Your replacement pads are larger than a silver dollar
-- a drink coaster
-- a frisbee
� You use a sheep for a swab
-- No, it's a grizzly bear
-- A mammouth
-- You've played it 10 years and have never had to empty the spitvalve (OK, "water key")
� You donated your old instrument to the local high school, and they were able to re-equip their entire band just from the scrap proceeds
� You have more than 8 feet of PVC pipe in your garage, and it isn't for lawn sprinklers
� You know what a cimbasso is
-- And the proper pronunciation
-- And you've played one
-- Own one
� You know what a sarrusophone is
-- And you've played one
-- Own one
-- And you know the difference between a sarrusophone and a contrabasse � anche
� Your band/orchestra part rarely has notes faster than an eighth note
� You often count more than 32 bar rests
� Your parts are so low that it is more practical to write the frequency of each note in Hz than to write all the ledger lines
-- Playing the upper register requires a helium injector
� You've read this far down the list ;-)
� You don't bother connecting the tweeters on your stereo
� Your glasses sometimes vibrate when you play
-- Your stand vibrates when you play
-- The windows vibrate when you play
-- The TV picture tube down the hall vibrates when you play
-- Something vibrates, but you can't tell what
-- Everything vibrates
-- Books fall of their shelves
-- People or animals look out the window for the moving van
-- People call you to order a moving van