-- You know which note is Db1
-- You can distinguish Db1 from D1
� You own an instrument taller than at least one of your children
-- and he/she's in kindergarten
-- and he/she's in junior high school
-- and he/she is an adult
--and he/she is taller than you are...
� You own an instrument that weighs more than at least one of your children
-- Not including the case
-- And your child plays football
-- Professionally
� People come up to you after a concert and ask "What is that thing?"
-- And after you tell them, and they still don't understand
-- And its your band director who's asking
� Your instrument eats smaller instruments when you turn your back
--Including euphoniums and bass clarinets
-- and tubas
--and pianos, if it hasn't been fed for a while...
� You drive a van or truck because your instrument won't fit in anything smaller
-- Its a flatbed truck
--with a crane
� When you buy an instrument, it must be shipped by truck
-- And the case is extra
-- And it still requires assembly after being shipped by truck...
� The waiting list for a new one from the factory is 3 generations
� Your repairman makes house calls
--Your repairman drives a Porsche
-- But needs a trailer to carry your spare parts
-- But needs a shop to fabricate your spare parts
� Your instrument rests on the floor while you play it
-- And it has to be the ground floor to comply with the local building codes
-- You had to bribe the local zoning board to be able to play it in a residential area
-- You had to install a skylight in your house to set up your instrument
-- And you already have cathedral ceilings...
-- Your mouthpiece is equipped with an aircraft warning beacon
-- Your mouthpiece is so high off the ground that you get light-headed before you start to play
-- The bell is an architectual feature of your house
� You've ever been trapped inside the case for your instrument
� You had to obtain a building permit to make the case.
� The case for your instrument has wheels
-- 18 of them
-- or treads
-- and its own lights
-- and a WIDE LOAD sign
-- and a motor
-- and beeps when you back up...
-- You use the Goodyear blimp for a gig bag
� You've been to the hospital more than once for hyperventilation
-- Your spouse now brings an oxygen tank to your gigs
� Your instrument has more than five valves
� Your valves have
-- external springs
-- shock absorbers
-- power assist
� You buy valve oil by the quart
� Your instrument requires annual emissions testing
� Your lower notes register on the Richter scale
-- And the seismograph is across town
-- In another state
-- And you've been personally responsible for erroneous earthquake reports
-- And you've been personally responsible for nonerroneous earthquake reports
-- And the US Geological Survey now telephones to see if you've been practicing before they report
any seismic activity
� In the "off season", you provide SenSurround at the local movie theater.