Dear Jason,
Oh kiddo were do I begin, First of all I miss you dearly. Its been 3 months to the day, since you went away. I have the biggest hole in my heart I can,t begin to tell anyone. My life ended when you were killed. I,m sorry if sometimes I wasn,t the best mother. But I only wanted the best for you. I didn,t want you to live the life I did growing up, I wanted you to belong. So I quess that,s why I was so protective of you.
Your Father and I was so very proud of you. Maybe sometimes we didn,t show you enough, and that,s something I have regretted time and time again. Something I will have to live with the rest of my life.
Some say you took your own life, but son I know better. I knew you better than anyone. And that is somthing you would never have done. You would never have used a car, or envolved another person, with no gaurantee of dying, and certainly not in my car.
I wish you could have seen everyone who came to your funeral. Gee kiddo you had a lot of friends, that loved and cared for you. Your missed by your family so much. If only you knew that everynight I say goodnight I love you to you as I lay down to sleep. Then I wait for you to tell me night Mom, love you too. But it never comes. So I try to head of to sleep, but sleep doesn,t always come.
I never dreamed in a million years I would be burying my own son. No pain is greater than loosing your child. I pray that no other person has to go through that. Its like a knife cutting your heart out. You live days one at a time, some days you just barley function. But you make it.
Jason if I could trade places with you I would. You didn,t deserve to die, you faught so hard to get control of the car, I could tell. And I knew your thoughts as if they were mine. Oh Moms going to be mad I wrecked her car. But son you must know if I could have you back today Iwould, a piece of metal means nothing to me.
Oh I wish I could hold you right know. In my heart I am, but that,s not good enough. I want the real you. But that,s something thats never going to be. So know I must live, and go on untill god call me home. I remember always praying to god. please god don,t let my kids ever go before me. But we don,t always get what we pray for. God needed you, but he didn,t know I needed you more. Well son I must go, love you and miss you dearly.
Love from Mom
6th July 2003 |
