A: Gonorrhea
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A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and he's put in a cell with the biggest, meanest looking guy he's ever seen.
The big guy says, "We gonna have sex. You wanna be the Mama or the Papa?"
The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other,
I'd rather be the Papa."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck Mama's dick."
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Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's
filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for.
Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins. So Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin.
"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown."
At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me?"
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Q:How do you Punish Hellen Keller?
A:Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.
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Q:Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A:Because she's a woman!
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Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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Q:How do you get helen keller to keep a secret?
A:Break her fingers
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Q:Whats helen keller's favorite color?
A:Black
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Q:Why couldn't Helen Keller play on her high school football team?
A:Because she's a girl.
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Q:How did Helen Keller burn her hands?
A:She was trying to read a waffle iron.
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In a hospital waiting room a guy is anxiously waiting for his wife to have their first baby, after 2 hours, a nurse comes bouncing though the labor room doors with a little baby cradled in her arms and asks for Mr. Johnson, the guy proudly announces "that would be me!" he jumps out of his chair and runs over to her and says "is that my baby?", the nurse replies "why yes!" she starts to hand him the baby, and instead, grabs it by the feet, swings it over her head, and slams it into the tile wall and it's brains and guts splatter everywhere; the guy then says "Jesus Christ, what in the hell did you do to my baby ? !!!!" she replies, "April Fools!, it's already been dead for an hour."
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Q:Why did hitler really kill himself?
A:He saw the gas bill.
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Q:Why do they call it PMS?
A:Cause mad cow disease was already taken.
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The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
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Q:How many feminists does it take to get a joke?
A:Two: One to read it and the other to listen while she sucks my dick.
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Q: Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco where short
skirts?
A: Because when they sit down, their balls hang out.
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Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
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Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
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Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and
starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who
named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beerfuck."
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"When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and
TWA coffee. But I love to be served TWA tea." (Twat if you don't get it)
---Richard Lederer
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Q:How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles?
A:Nail its other hand to the floor.
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Q:How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
A:Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.
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Q:What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic child get for Christmas?
A:Cancer.
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Q:What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A:A baby in a trash compactor.
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Q:What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
A:When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
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This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So, I just switched the heads."
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More to come...
