I don't really like you that much
I think you are vain
I think you believe you are God's gift to the world
The sun, the moon, the stars
exist only for you

You think I like you
But you are wrong
You want everyone to bow to you
A matador of life
You think you control when the dew forms
When the wind blows
When my heart breaks

I don't like you very much
Your constant mirror vigil
Makes me nauseatingly sick
You would melt
If a hair fell out of place
You would grieve
If no one looked at you on the dance floor

But I look.
I can see who you really are
And I love what I see

I don't like you very much.
I worship you

Irresponsible
By Daniel Johnson

Some say I am irresponsible
I don't always do the things
you want me to do
I don't always say the things
you'd like me to say
I spend money like theres no tomorrow
But who is to say that there will?

You say that I don't spend equally
You pay more than your fair share
I say that my money is no good for you
Even when I offer to pay
You turn my hand away
And brush me off with a smile
I know your game
You pay more than your fair share
because you want to
need to
because you have nothing else to offer

Some say I use plastic
like candy
I share it with every store clerk I see
Swipe it baby
one more time
who cares if its one-hundred forty nine

Some say I don't take pride in my work
what pride is there to take
putting a book on a shelf
alphabetize
theres certainly something to be proud of
I know my a b c's

I am irresponsible
you say
You should be more like me
you say
Responsible
thats why you flunked out of school
I guess
thats why the only person who ever calls you
is your friend
down at the credit bureau
they are such nice folks
you are responsible
I long to be like you, I guess
I've always dreamed of being
a janitor
nothing like the smell of Pine Sol
to wake you up
More fun than shelving books, right?
I guess your minimum wage paycheck
is better than mine
you are responsible

maybe you wouldn't be so responsible
if you would let me pay next time

I Understand Now
By Daniel Johnson

I've grown up so much
In the past year
that I look at myself in the mirror
and see
the person I was
twelve months ago
way back off in the distance
beyond the glass
somewhere
back there
behind the metal
of the medicine cabinet
perhaps
listening to me brush my teeth
from the other side
ear pressed to the wall
straining
to hear
anything
a whisper
a word
anything
anything at all
eavesdropping
hoping to hear me say something
that will make him feel better

I guess it should come as no surprise
that I understand now
I understand why so many guys my age
would rather fuck
than fall in love
because love is an unreachable goal
love is something that happens to us
not something that we create
and we are so afraid
of losing it
that we would rather not have it in the first place
I thought I knew love once
it was a beautiful thing
it kept me awake at night
I would stare into the mirror
and wonder if it was real
and hope
that he felt the same way about me too
but he didn't
or at least he never said it
there was something there
lurking behind the veneer
but he was afraid
and then he was lost forever

So I said it would never happen to me again
I grew up
graduated
moved away from home
got a job
far away from home
in another state
far from that boy that once fell in love

I am nothing like I was then
I am more responsible
more mature
and I have learned from my mistakes
except for one

It happened again
And it wasn't something I created
It just happened
Standing
alone
side by side
next to the tiki bar
sipping a Corona
on a cold blustery night
in front of a mile high Christmas tree
outside the rainbow-colored shops
and seedy hotel rooms
I felt a familiar feeling
and I was afraid

We went there to shop
he wanted to show me something new
I'd never been to this place
but it all felt so familiar to me
I looked around and felt peace
and fear
We didn't go into the nightclub
(I didn't have the money)
We didn't rent a motel room
(I wasn't that sleazy)
We didn't buy a thing
(the prices were too high)
I didn't leave the place with anything in my hand
except for his
I wanted to spend Christmas with him
But I didn't
Instead I went home
It was the first time I had gone back
since I grew up
twelve months ago
I chose the past
Instead of the future
But I don't think it would make a difference
both paths ended at the same place...

Here
in front of the mirror
brushing my teeth
as I listen to that boy I once was
breathing
on the other side of the medicine cabinet
tapping lightly
leaning closer to the wall to hear
I understand now
what it must have felt like for him
so many years ago
to have his heart broken
I understand now
why so many guys my age
would rather fuck
than fall in love
and make the same mistake
a second time

INSOMNIA
By Daniel Johnson

I sit up long hours
wasting my night
My eyes are bloody now
The letters are wavy
But I can't stop writing
I keep having the same conversations
night after night
deja vu
over and over again
"hey dude,
nice pic.
cool profile.
thanx.
so whats up?
nothing.
chilling.
me too.
you from tampa?
cool.
me too.
town n country too?
thats nice.
yeah.
so,
what are you looking for tonight?
call me."
deja vu
over and over again
am i awake?
I must be dreaming
because I think I just had this conversation
last night
or was it with someone else?
can't you people find something more original to say?
"hey dude, nice pic, cool profile
nice website
I love your poetry
it speaks so much about you
so simple
yet so powerful
whose your favorite poet?
really? mine too!
so...
what are you looking for tonight?
call me."
deja vu
over and over again
I need to wake up
its driving me mad
repetition is boring
step outside the box
for once
and wow me
I need to wake up
I hate insomnia
I need to get to sleep
But I can't stop writing
deja vu...
over and over again...

Conversation Between Myselves
By Daniel Johnson

I am not a bad person
I've always tried to do the right thing
I am a little shy
I've never stolen
Never tried...

But I LiKE to FuCK YoU in ThE AsS
BeNd OvEr
ThAts RiGHt
EvEn ShY GuYS NeEd It SoMEtIMeS

People say that I am conservative
I blush when you mention taboo
I've never felt those feelings
I am responsible and mature for my age...

I'Ve NeVeR HAd A ThReeSOme BeFOre
WhY DoN'T YoU AnD I... AnD my ConSERVativE side...
SteP OuT BACk To THe Hot TUB
CLoTHIng OpTIOnAL, oF CouRSE...

I always look for love
In all the wrong places
I meet all the guys who want the polar opposite of what I want
I don't do hookups
I would love to have a boyfriend
I AlWaYS lOOk fOr A FUcK
In ALL the WrONG PlACEs
I MEet ALL the GuYS WhO WaNT the POLar OppOSite Of WhAT I WAnT
I DoN't Do THe ReLAtionShip ThING
I WoULD LoVE to HAve A BOyFRieND WHoSE Not SO SerIOUs AFteR OnE NiGHT

I have given up looking for love
I hear its not looking for me
I only go to chat rooms to see whose online at night
I don't want anything serious
because I can never find a conversation where we agree on anything

I HavE GiVEN Up LOOkinG FOr LOVe
I jUSt WiSH It WouLD StoP FinDING Me
I OnlY Go TO Chat ROOms To see WHoSE HorNY Like ME
I Don'T WaNT AnYTHIng SerIOUs
BeCAUse I CaN Never FInD A ConVERSAtiON WHere WE AgreE On ANYthing

Its like I am two different people
And we are looking for two different things
conjoined twins
in competition for one body
I can never decide what I really want
until I get it

ItS LiKE I Am TwO DiFFereNt PeoPLe
And We WANt TWO DiFFEreNt THingS
BiTTer EnEmIes
In COmpETitiOn For OnE bOdY
I CaN NeveR GeT What I WanT
UnTIL I GIvE Up