| 14.12.03 |
| Well Nan it's been 1 month and 5 days and i'm still finding it hard. The other day I said to Dad "Come on let's go see Nan, she'll be home it's Friday" then remembered and sat in silence then cried. Nan i'm finding it really hard to let go of u. i was told that u weren't just MY Nan and I told that person I know that and that u were more than just a Nan to me. You were also my bestfriend, i know how dumb that sounds but i don't care, to me it was true and u know wot, I knew that it didn't matter how much trouble i was in u would love me unconditionally and i guess in a way that's y i started doing things for u and always being there when u needed me. I went to the supermarket the other day and bought all this stuff and when i got it all back home dad said "Y did u buy all this?" and my answer "It was cheap" it wasn't even that we needed it but just because it was cheap i bought it. I've been trying to think of all things that you've taught me and the two things that really stand out is ur faith in paying ur tithing and the visitors one. u know when eva visitors turn up u start cooking. Lenny came ova one day and i wasn't home but when i got home and saw he was here the first thing i did was cook a feed. and automatically thort of u, then when he left dad said "U are ur grandmother" i was like no it just came natually. then we both larffed. Nan wot was up with the dreams. i mean i could see u standing in the distance but it was just vaguely but all i could hear was u saying "Moko" ova and ova again then every now and then it was "Moko come here" and me being me kept saying "Na" i told dad about these dreams he told me not to go, wen i asked y he just said that u wouldn't hurt me and to say "Nan I can't" i knew he was hiding something from me but at the time i wasn't too sure wot it was and even tho i kept saying to him y can't i go to u he just kept telling me not to. anyway the next night the same dream and this time i said to u "Nan I can't" the next minute this scary looking person was rushing at me then u disappeared. next thing i know, ur standing in front of me and we're talking to eachother. the next morning i told dad and then he told me that if i would've gone to u then i probably wouldn't have woken up. he kept telling me that it wasn't u but it sure did look and sound like u, and i wanna know y u'd do that to me. And please tell ur grandmother to stop telling me to follow the land, actually ask her wot the hell that's suppose to mean. coz i have no idea. dad says it must have something to do with ur family land but i have no idea and i figure if u fellas wanna tell me anything then u'd tell me in a way i can understand, not in this cryptic way. I was looking at all the foto's that dad found and there's one pic that i don't like looking at and that's the one of ur mother. coz i look at it and i can see me in her and i can't like that. Aunty hati reckons that i look like ur side of the family and she reckons even toko said the same thing and that's just spooky. Mind u i should be use to it coz a lot of ppl who have seen me have said "Ur a ruru aye?" i'm like "NO" hahaha. i think everyone is coming back for Christmas but i'm not sure, i know that everyone wants to go thru ur things and honestly Nan i don't wanna be there for that. It was hard enuff packing u away, let alone watching everyone go thru ur gears. So i think I'll stay away for that one. u know i can feel u every now and then. Nan i finally started paying my tithing after all these years of u nagging me about it and do u know wot did it for me?. That day u made the money fall out of the cupboard, afta that i decided to start paying my tithing and i've been paying it ever since. i give it to Tanya to pay and she does it every Sunday. One of the church members rang mum to tell her that i was paying my tithing. and mum said she knows, they asked her how come i was paying it and she said "Because she made a promise to her Nanny" u know i neva looked at it that way but i guess in a way that's about right. after all these years of me telling u that i need that $20 for more importnant things. To this day I don't miss it. I don't know if that makes sense. But the first thing i do wen i get paid is put that $20 away for tithing. u always told me it would be a start and in a way i guess it is. Luv U Nan |