| Well hello to everyone who visits this site, i know to many ppl it may not be all that but to us it means alot and if u don't like it then get out......hahahahaha just kiddin. To the whanau, Kia Ora from me down here in lil ol Hastings. I had the urge to write 2nite and im not too sure Y, but i find myself sitting in front of this thing and just typing woteva's poppin into my head. Funnily enuff, the only thing that i seem to be thinking about is nan and as much as i know it's a sore subject for sum ppl it's, well she's just there. Too the whanau i feel like i should apologise for the way that i was at Nan's funeral, see to those of u that didn't or don't know, Nan and i were really close and it just really hurt me to see her like that, as much as i had seen her thru the years get older and older i couldn't believe that she had passed away and in a way i was mad at her coz she had. i know it sounds selfish but at the time i didn't care, all i could think about was the fact that she had left me here alone and in my eyes she didn't say goodbye to me and that really pissed me off. I think wot really bugged me was the fact that on the Thursday I was meant to go see her and i didn't. I think i was no i know i was feeling guilty about that and Nan I'm sorry. Im really sorry that i couldn't speak at her service but im so glad that Tanya did, she did it beta then i would've. So Thank You Tanya. This is just something that i was writting to Nan the night b4 her funeral, i kinda think it somes up how i was feeling. Tuesday 11.11.03 11:45pam 2moro is the day Nan! and i'm still not ready to say goodbye. Sitting here thinking bout u and singing. and one song comes to mind it was the song i was meant to sing at ur 75th but chickened out. (Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion) you know everyone keeps telling me that i should have no regrets but honestly i do. I'm sorry for...well u know. There's a million things racing thru my head rite now. u know it's funny, when u wanna remember things. u can't. i've been told a few times that i look like u and it's like shut up. i know that ur still here and that ur waiting 4 me to come to u but i can't. i look at u and don't see u. u look way different and it's a bit spooky. Nan ur white HAHAHAHA. well u look real white now, and ur eyebrows are plucked, and that looks funny coz im use to seeing u with bushy eyebrows and it use to be the hairs on ur chin that u'd pluck afta a while. Nan i pinched a bottle out of ur purse so i can remember wot u smell like. but i guess it's not pinching if u end up telling everyone that u've got it. I spoke to ur son steve the other day, not 4 long but he seems nice, sounds a bit funny but then it could've just been my ears. i wasn't concentrating that well coz u know. i wanted to do all these things for u but neva got round to doing them and i guess this is just my way of saying sorry. I really do miss u! i got sum foto's of u 2day, they're from ur 80th. Bloody hell Nan don't u know how to smile. HAHA U know that sunday u had a glow around u that i'd neva seen b4. it was awsum to see and i'm glad we made that happen for u. the smile on ur face the next day and for the rest of the week was so kool. ok i wasted petrol coming ova 4 days in a row to clean up, but hey who cares. well actually i did and i told u i wasn't wasting any more petrol on u. I really really miss u! I'm gonna miss the 6:30am wake up calls! the calls when u ring for no reason and then start talking bout nothing or when u ring and u have visitors and ur talking to them instead of me. then i get mad and hang up. I'm gonna miss those "We're having boil up for breakfast" calls. Those moko can u come and help me or drive me around calls. The last time u rang me u were crying. "Nanny whats the matter?" "I need u, I fell in the garden and I'm feeling sorry for myself." "Where's Papa?" "He's here but i don't want him, I want you" "Nan I just gotta take mum to the doctors" It's ok moko I'm just feeling sorry for myself" "Awww Nan don't cry, and what were u doing in the garden anyway? I told u I was gonna do ur gardens" "I know moko but I couldn't wait." "You couldn't wait a few hours?" "Bloody Hell Nan" "I know moko" "Ur an egg Nan" "ok moko, bye" "Bye Nan" remember that? we came ova that aftanoon. babied u then left. you felt heaps beta. The next day we came ova and started cleaning up for ur birthday. Remember Nan the whole carpet thing? Where u and mum made me pull out all the carpets, b4 telling me it was the one at the bottom. I put the carpet down and walked off b4 I swore at both of u. I'm gonna miss the surprise visits where i'd nearly swallow my smoke, or the visits where u'd come for the aftanoon and end up staying the nite and then we'd argue ova which tv programe we'd watch. I have so many things i want to say to u. I'm really starting to miss u! Grandad, aunty missy, and baby give her back NOW!!! I'm gonna miss "moko have u seen my tittie?" "Yes Nan and it's still on ur chest, as for ur pillow no." "Ok i'll just put this in" "Isn't that a rag Nan?" Ur the strongest person that i know. Thursday 13.11.03 3:37pm I'm so sorry Nan I just couldn't do it. I don't wanna let go. In the marae I couldn't watch them cover u, I had to walk out, it was hurting too much. I walked out and Tanya got up and hugged me, I burst into tears and said "She's gone" At the chapel in the room watching all these ppl around u crying and hugging u and i still couldn't do it. Dalan came up behind me put his arm around me and said "That should be u up there" and without even thinking as u know i do, i opened my big mouth and said "Na that's for all the ppl who feel guilty." I know u don't look at things that way but at the time that's wot it looked like. plus i was still shitty. and yeah yeah yeah i know. STOP TELLING ME OFF. U would've been happy with the first half of ur service. I don't know about the the second half, coz i wasn't there. Tanya spoke and i was so proud to be her sister. That's as far as i got, i was kinda crying too much to see anything. Anyway whanau that's wot i wanted to tell u, and i know it's not the best way of looking at things but that's how i felt, untill next time. Nom |
| Not Much To Say |