REMAINS

The late fall sky was a brilliant azure blue and completely free of clouds. A stiff breeze tossed sprays of crinkled leaves down the sidewalks and into the hedges, painting the drab branches with splotches of faded color. The voices of people busily engaged in all manner of activities rang out sharp in the chill air. Words crystal clear despite distance and the occasional interruption of passing motorists.

Sam pushed cold hands deep into her jacket pockets and leaned heavily on her car.

What am I doing here?

The innocuous rhythms of suburbia surrounded her. Kids played in backyards and slammed in and out of doors. Somewhere a lawn mower grumbled its way across the dying grass. The steady tap of a hammer sounded above the high-pitched whir of a skill saw. Conversations spoken by invisible people carried easily over fences and hedgerows.

Daniel�s low-slung ranch was nestled in a neighborhood filled with families. He could have picked anywhere after his Descension, but he chose to live in the midst of what he had never had. The atmosphere wreaked of domesticity unlike his various apartments.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Sam stared hard at the cracked pavement. A dog barked and a child yelled in response. Shivers coursed up and down her rigid spine.

All of this was only a breath away. Just sitting there in the palm of my hand�

She absently touched the bare ring finger of her left hand.

A promise made and torn asunder� Why? How? When did I go wrong?

�Sam?�

Startled, she looked up with an involuntary gasp.

Daniel stood in the doorway of his home, arms folded across his chest. Dressed in a navy sweater and black jeans, he projected an air of casual curiosity. But his eyes were large and dark with concern behind his glasses.

He stepped down off the stoop and flashed a pale smile as he approached. �Are you coming in?�

Sam blinked at the question. Am I? Can I sit there and pretend for an hour, two? �I don�t know.�

Daniel stopped and cupped her elbows. �Please.�

�I don�t think this is a good idea.� Her skin tingled at his touch, rebelling at the compassion so easily given. �I�m not very good company��

�Sam,� he chided gently as he dropped his hands. �You shouldn�t be alone.�

Why not? Isn�t that what I deserve?

She bit back the self-pity with effort. He was trying so hard; the least she could do was make an effort.

The very least�

Bitterness roiled her innards and Sam swallowed sudden nausea.

The least is all I ever did and look what happened!

�Hey, are you okay?�

Stupid question�She forced the ghost of a smile. �Let�s go in.�

He nodded and placed a hand lightly on her back as they proceeded up the walk. �Teal�c�s on his way, he called about a half hour ago. General Hammond is flying in on SGC business and said he would stop by for dessert.�

An uncontrollable tremor spread ice through her throbbing veins. The smile turned plastic and her skin crawled with the effort to maintain it. The SGC�the General�Jack� God, no, �Daniel?�

�Jack isn�t coming,� he murmured softly when they reached the front door.

�Does he know?�

�Yes.�

Sam turned, stopping their progress. �Who told him?�

A slight flush colored Daniel�s cheeks but his gaze remained steady on her face. �I did.�

�Why?�

�Because I didn�t think you could.�

She wanted to be angry at his presumption, but only relief presented itself. How do you tell someone you�ve hurt so badly that you were wrong? That the man who took his place was the biggest mistake you could ever have made? The �what ifs� of such a conversation made her head spin.

�You�re probably right,� she admitted softly.

A simple get together to bolster her wounded spirit had taken on the characteristics of a wake. The house seemed to gather itself under a mantle of sadness. The walls banked in bookshelves and exotic, ancient artwork felt close, overbearing. As if history were looking down upon them in judgment, instead of simply existing.

Sam tried to shake off the feeling along with her brown leather jacket.

Foolish�

Sheetrock and paint, woodwork and stone; all were inanimate objects. Guilt and self-doubt caused the anthropomorphic meanderings of her weary brain. Conjured the illusion that the painting above the entertainment center or the statue in the corner of the dining room were somehow aware of the mess she had made of her life.

�Have a seat?�

She complied mechanically. Barely feeling the stiffness of the cushions against her hunched shoulders.

This is a mistake!

Every fiber screamed flight, but she remained in the chair. Fighting the urge with grim determination.

�Have you heard from him?�

�No.�

�Do you expect to?�

Leave it alone, Daniel! Please just leave it alone�

Sam squelched desperation and shook her head fractionally. �No.�

�Okay.� He sat down opposite and reached for her hand. �Listen, I know how hard this is��

�Do you?� She met his questing gaze with a sharp, defiant glare. �Do you really?�

�Nine years ago I broke it off with Sarah.�

�Were you going to get married?�

�Well no, we hadn�t gotten that far��

�Then you don�t know,� Sam whispered. For a brief moment she had prayed for genuine empathy, in spite of the pain it would have cost Daniel. His admission dissipated the selfish thoughts like ashes in a fitful breeze. She struggled for words to ease his conscience and hers. �I�m glad you don�t.�

He smiled sadly and captured her chilled fingers in a warm embrace. �You will get past this. You know that, right?�

Do I?

Intrinsically she did. However, the one person who had always been there in support, no matter the wanderings of her fickle heart, was nowhere in evidence. The knowledge of his ongoing anger and pain and the part she played in it served only to enhance the emptiness within.

�Sam?�

She nodded mutely.

�I�m sorry, I�m not very good at this.� He released her hand and sat back with a heavy sigh.

�Janet tried to tell me.� The words slipped out before she could stop them, leaving the bitter taste of regret behind.

Daniel sucked in a tremulous breath and looked away. His wide blue eyes roamed across the ceiling and fell to the floor as he attempted to move past the fresh wave of sorrow the doctor�s name evoked.

Damn!

Sam sat forward and stroked his arm. �I�m sorry, I didn�t mean to make you feel badly. God Daniel it wasn�t your fault, no one ever blamed you.�

�I know,� he breathed. �Some days are just harder than others.� He swiped a hand across his face and cleared his throat. �What did she tell you?�

�Huh?�

�About Pete.�

�We don�t have to talk about��

�Yes we do,� he insisted firmly. �You need to and I�m here to listen.�

The doorbell chimed.

Daniel groaned beneath his breath. �Timing.� He grimaced and rose to answer the door. �Hey, Teal�c.�

�DanielJackson.� The large man�s deep bass carried easily down the short hallway. �I brought steak as you requested.�

�Thanks.�

Sam stood and smoothed the wrinkles from her forest green sweater. She smiled gamely when Teal�c entered the room.

He tilted his large head in response and said, �On Chulak it was customary for females to go into seclusion upon the breaking of a betrothal. I am pleased that you have not chosen to follow a similar practice, ColonelCarter.�

Not for lack of trying� She licked dry lips and touched one muscular shoulder. �It�s good to see you, Teal�c.�

�Drinks anyone?� Daniel called from the kitchen.

They settled into a strained afternoon full of noncommittal conversation about work, the weather, and a myriad of other topics Sam quickly forgot. Night rolled in with the characteristic swiftness of fall, helped by a gathering storm front nestled low on the western horizon. Sam insisted on helping with dinner. Hoping it would provide a distraction from the increasingly difficult task of avoiding the subject of Pete Shanahan.

The food was consumed in awkward silence. Clearly the two men had exhausted the arsenal of safe topics and only the most obvious and painful remained. Sam ate without tasting, her mind awhirl with plausible excuses for leaving after the dishes were cleared.

Enough is enough, I�ve said and listened to all I can take�.

Escape seemed at hand when the last plate had been rinsed and dried. Sam folded the dishtowel and turned to make her good-byes. The kitchen was empty. Lost in thought, she had not heard the chime of the doorbell. Low voices sounded from the vicinity of the front door and her feet moved of their own volition across the kitchen. Driven by hope.

Jack?

She shook her head.

How far I�ve sunk� To think he would come here after all that has been said and done�

She stepped into the dining room and felt her racing pulse slow to a crawl at the sight of General Hammond�s bald head, accented by the soft glow of the hallway light.

I should have known�.

�Lieutenant Colonel,� the older man greeted warmly. He placed his hat on the table and embraced her for a long moment. �It�s good to see you.�

�You too, Sir.� The whispered response hovered at the edge of a sob. Sam blinked rapidly, attempting to banish the threatened tears. The General�s affection was pervasive and paternal. For the first time she felt safe and the barriers were quickly crumbling as a result. She swallowed audibly and squeezed the fleshy shoulders tighter.

�It�s okay, Sam.�

She covered her trembling eyelids with chilled fingers, taking several deep breaths before pulling back. �Thank you, Sir.�

He nodded firmly. �You�re welcome. I�m glad I had a chance to stop in.�

�So am I.� She sniffed and looked up to find Daniel standing discreetly in the shadow of the hall. He shot her a questioning glance, and at her brief nod stepped forward.

�Have a seat, General. Beer, coffee?�

�Coffee will do fine, Dr. Jackson.� He moved into the living room and sat down on the couch. Leaning against the cushions with a deep sigh. �Have you heard from your father?�

Sam followed and settled herself in the chair across from him. �No, Sir, I haven�t.�

�It�s a shame things have gotten so tenuous between the Tok�ra and ourselves. Too much squabbling on both sides of the fence.� He glanced down and picked a piece of lint from his trousers. �We need one another more than ever in these uncertain times.�

Are we still talking about politics?

She ran restless fingers across the raised pattern of the couch cushions and tried for a neutral tone. �I couldn�t agree more, Sir.�

�Here�s your coffee, Sir.�

�Thank you.�

Daniel smiled slightly and waved in the general direction of the hallway. �I�ve got something to show Teal�c in the spare room��

�Daniel?�

�Sam.� His tone was firm, his eyes dark and intense. Stay, listen, talk: silent orders belaying her feeble protest.

She relented and watched him retreat down the hall, Teal�c mutely in tow.

General Hammond placed his coffee cup on its saucer. The soft clink of china drew Sam�s attention. She cast a fleeting look over his soft features and dropped her eyes to the floor.

I don�t know what to say to any of you, least of all to the General�Jack� Don�t you see that?

He cleared his throat and clasped his hands. Unobtrusively waiting for the moment to break. Sam shifted in her seat, feeling smaller and weaker by the second. His presence and quiet strength stirred the sadness she had kept at bay for most of the week. Forcing the terrifying emotion into the light and under the microscope of truth for the first time.

Why do I hurt so much? Whom do I feel the most responsible for? For Pete, for Jack, for myself: perhaps all of us in turns? I should be relieved, he wasn�t the right man, and yet�

�I don�t know what to do, Sir,� she admitted quietly. �I just don�t know which direction to turn.�

�I�ve known you all your life, Sam. I think you know exactly where you need to be and why.�

The advice was straightforward in tone and not at all what she expected in content.

It�s not that simple�

She forced herself to meet his frank gaze and saw the wisdom etched in the lines of cheek and jowl.

You know that it�s not but you can still sit here�

Sorrow flared cold and bright in her chest. Sam swallowed hard. �I can�t just walk back into his life, not after what happened.�

Hammond chuckled quietly. �Neither one of you is worth a damn without the other. Haven�t you figured that out yet?�

She stared, nonplussed.

Have we always been that obvious to the outside observer? Why did it take so long for me to see what others have known for so long?

Blind and deaf� The next question spilled out on the heels of a stuttering sigh. �You knew it wouldn�t work, didn�t you?�

The General had only met Pete Shanahan once to her knowledge. The day Osiris was captured and he was injured, brought into the Infirmary and into the classified confidence of the SGC. Her former CO seemed to keep his own council upon delivering the go ahead to debrief Pete. He shook hands with the man and exchanged pleasantries before leaving her to explain the ins and outs of the Stargate program.

In retrospect, it was obvious that the brief exchange had formed a lasting and not altogether positive impression.

The General rubbed a hand over his chin. �I didn�t want to be right.�

But you were�

Sam shook her head. �I thought he would understand. I thought I had finally found someone�� She trailed off at the quizzical light that came into his pale, blue eyes.

�Why?� he murmured.

�What?�

I don�t understand�

Hammond dropped his beefy hand and leaned forward. The sadness pulling on his rounded features was tantamount to the grief they had shared upon Daniel�s Ascension. Blatant and wholly encompassing, the emotion was displayed without qualification or hint of remorse. �Sam, stop and think about why Pete Shanahan was so important.�

She shivered at the simple question and the plethora of ramifications.

I loved him�

The phrase rang false, inducing deep tremors that tingled her fingertips as comprehension dawned.

The hint of a smile lifted Hammond�s lips. He touched her knee and sat back.

�How did you know?� she whispered.

He looked away for a long time. Narrowed eyes roamed over pictures and artifacts, pausing occasionally to study the details of something hidden in the shadows. Eventually, he refocused on her and his voice was low and thick with the Texas drawl of his roots. �I was in love once in my life. She�s gone now but I have a long memory and I will tell you this.� He raised a finger and steel came into his eyes as he pointed at her. �There�s nothing on this earth or anywhere else that would have prevented me from pursuing that love.� The sternness faded to be replaced by a wistful frown. �We all deserve happiness, Sam, all of us.�

She did not miss the emphasis, or the feeling behind it.

Don�t let this slip away. Fight for it. Make him see what has always been true.

Jack lived across town and she chose to travel through the heart of the city as a means of distraction. Traffic lights, signage, and window displays kept her eyes and brain busy. Unfortunately, it was late and the streets were mostly empty. The turn that lead to his quiet neighborhood loomed into view all too quickly. She missed it the first time and began to strongly consider not turning around.

What good is this going to do? Of course, running away will only make things worse. Can they get much worse?

He had stopped trying to talk to her. After Ry�ac�s wedding and their exchange in the hallway his interactions became formal to the extreme. The near disaster aboard Osiris� hidden ship seemed to solidify previously shaky inner resolve. Without any overt discussion he forced her into a rigid style of completely military conduct. Leaving little room for personal expression.

Yes, Sir. No, Sir. Right now, Sir�

Sam shook her head and drummed her fingers nervously on the steering wheel. A closed service station appeared between a pair of apartment houses and she wrenched the car hard right. It bounced over the curb and stalled out.

Damn!

Things could get worse. He could stop talking to me entirely.

The errant thought spread a layer of frost over her fractured heart. She reached down and restarted the car.

It can�t be that simple, can it?

Tires squealed and a car horn rent the air as she shot onto the street. Sam ignored the swearing motorist and gunned the engine.

I won�t let it be that easy for either of us.

She clung to the inner resolve with a desperate grip as she returned to the intersection and accelerated up the street. The houses here were completely dark, save for the intermittent blue glow of televisions through curtained windows. Most of Jack�s neighbors were elderly or single white-collar workers. Not a group that tended to keep late hours.

Was it a conscious decision on your part to live in an area without children?

The question was one she dare not pose, even before their recent estrangement. It was too close, too intimate in the most basic of ways. The darkness ever present in his deep, brown eyes was answer enough to idle speculation.

Jack�s dark green F-250 pick-up was parked in the drive. He had not gone out, or had already returned, she had no way of knowing which.

Are you drunk?

Why would you be?

Sam slowed and pulled in across the street. Each of them had been known to overindulge from time to time as a way of venting frustration or coping with pressure. The last time she could be sure of was the impromptu gathering at this same house the weekend after the Ancient database had been downloaded into Jack�s brain.

An anxious shiver spread across her back and shoulders at the memory.

I tried to talk to you then, I did try�

But not hard enough�

Daniel and Teal�c had interrupted, and now she recalled a thrill of gratitude with bitterness. The words they both needed to hear would not come in spite of good intentions. Their teammates� appearance gave welcome respite and delayed what seemed so obvious in light of her broken engagement.

Sam lifted her eyes from her twisting fingers and stared at the quiet house. A single light burned in the kitchen, the shaded windows of the living room were dark.

Are you sleeping?

She cursed quietly. To have come so far and be thwarted by exhaustion, the thought was ludicrous. She opened the car door and stepped out into the cool night air. The comforting strains of woodwinds rose and fell beneath the sigh of the breeze.

Where�

The music swelled abruptly and faded into silence.

No�

The high trill of a flute and the muted echo of a French horn signaled a second piece. Out of habit Sam looked both ways before striding rapidly across the street. The music was coming from the vicinity of Jack�s house. She paused at the edge of the lawn and looked towards the darkened windows.

No�higher�

Her feet crackled the dry leaves littering the grass as she walked around the side of the house. The dead limbs of rose and lilac bushes rattled against the siding, caught in a sudden gust. Sam shivered and rubbed her arms, wishing in vein for the jacket lying across the back seat of the car.

Symbols clashed loudly and she heard the scrape of a chair before the volume lowered.

A ladder�

Sam paused at the foot of it and fingered the cold aluminum. Questions tumbled through her mind, driven by the fitful blasts of uncertainty and guilt.

What more did you want to say the night you came to see me? The night I told you I said yes to Pete�s proposal. Would I have gone so far had I known? Is there anything left? How do we retrieve that which was never more than desire?

She stepped up on the first rung of the ladder and heard it creak. Wincing, she listened for the groan of a chair or the heavy thump of booted feet, anything to indicate that he knew she was there. Inexplicably she found that she needed the element of surprise, no matter how immature it appeared.

Music spilled down the side of the house. Horns and the rhythmic pulse of drums washed over her tense body, offering the illusion of peaceful anticipation. Sam licked her lips and climbed higher. Vaguely aware of the almost visible spectrum of their shared history spreading out beneath her feet. Blanketing the dark lawn in layers of fluff and ash.

There had been something between them for years; a sort of subsurface strand, which burned and chilled her heart by turns. After the waking dream she experienced aboard the Prometheus things had begun to coalesce. She thought it was the beginning and then Pete had walked into her life. A chance meeting, which lead to a torrid affair and a confusing revelation.

Why the Pentagon had authorized her to reveal the Stargate program in greater detail remained a mystery. Especially in light of the more recent Alec Coleson fiasco and the resulting fallout. She accepted it for the blessing it seemed at the time however, and happily pursued a relationship with Pete. He was a cop he could handle it. Jack had said as much during the brief, painful discussion in her lab.

The day I showed you the ring�Oh God�

She stopped and pressed her forehead against the rung beneath her fingers. The cold metal dowel burned an icy brand into her fevered skin.

How could I have done that to you?

Her feet moved without conscious thought. Gradually, inexorably drifting back down the ladder.

No!

The words were history, her actions unchangeable. The future in whatever form lay above. She nodded affirmation and climbed the last rungs of the ladder and up onto the roof.

He sat on a chair in front of his telescope, a blackened silhouette in the frosted darkness. Long fingers, bone white in the starlight, manipulated the dials on the side of the cylinder and adjusted the angle. He did not turn around nor pull back when he spoke.

�Carter.�

It was a statement and nothing more. He had no intention of ignoring her existence, nor would he invite explanation.

Sam bit back a sigh of frustration. In inimitable Jack O�Neill fashion, he was going to try and avoid the confrontation that had gone begging for three long months. She swallowed hard, attempting to draw some moisture into her arid mouth.

�I came to talk to you.�

The shaft of the scope shifted and he adjusted his seat accordingly. Sam looked heavenward and caught a glimmer of blue and green light high above.

A satellite?

�What?�

The reply was low and noncommittal. A word Jack used frequently and with a variety of inflections. Sam heard the iron beneath the innocence. He had issued a challenge and was waiting with uncharacteristic patience for her to pick it up.

How do I explain?

The deck chair creaked loudly as he slowly turned. Dark eyes raked over her body, burning questions into the traitorous flesh.

Why didn�t you come and tell me? How come I had to hear it from Daniel? When did I lose your respect so completely that you couldn�t speak to me honestly woman to man?

The air seemed to vibrate with his need to be heard and she blurted out the only words that made sense, in spite of their inadequacy. �I�m sorry.�

Reaching out for something he could not give in the here and now had not been a bad thing. Even Jack would admit that if pressed, she was sure. However, that did not lessen the damage Pete�s presence had wrought. Nor did it deny the wrongness of the doomed relationship. She looked deep into eyes haunted by a pantheon of anger and hurt. The demons were not all hers to claim, but that made little difference.

�I�m sorry,� she repeated faintly. Bracing for rage, though it was not his nature. So much of their situation had moved beyond the expected and into the realm of utter confusion, she could not be certain of anything.

Jack stood and went to lean on the railing beside the telescope. The lines of stress and years worn into his features had softened and smudged in the dim lighting. All hint of emotion obliterated from the gray skin and raspy whisper. �Why?�

She bit her lower lip and dropped her eyes to the deck. What are you asking? Any answer would open the door to more questions, a wider field of hurt. She pulled in a steadying breath and looked up. �Because I couldn�t see what was right in front of me.�

�That�s not the reason.�

�Then what is?� she challenged.

He shook his head, unable, or unwilling to reply.

�You think I wanted this to happen?� She shook her head, incredulous at the suggestion. �You think I deliberately set out to hurt you?�

Jack folded his arms. His eyes held hers, relentlessly probing, demanding answers that seemed to rip from her very soul.

God, don�t you see? How can I make you understand?

She took a step forward and Jack stiffened. His shadowed gaze fell away, allowing her space to breathe. She paused, sensing his withdrawal, unsure of pressing the advantage.

�Yes.�

What?

�No,� she denied vehemently. �I would never do that to you, to anyone��

�You did it to both of us,� he countered, still without meeting her eyes.

The statement stopped her cold.

No, you are wrong� and yet�

Her mind spun backwards, replaying the events of the last several months in a dizzying kaleidoscope of highs and lows.

Pete�s efforts to assimilate himself into her life were admirable, and ultimately destined to fail. He could not tolerate the late hours and unreliable schedule. The signs of overt affection she had come to need and expect: kisses, hugs, hand holding, grew fewer and fewer. Eventually, physical contact became perfunctory. Romantic interludes at their favorite second run theatre or coffee shop ceased completely. He dare not make plans he said, what was the point if she were stuck �offworld�

How odd the description had sounded coming from his lips.

In the end it was her choice to walk away, to close the door much as she had in the observation lab years and dreams in the past. She packed the few items of clothing and personal articles Pete left in her house after their last sexual encounter and brought them across town to his small apartment. He said thank you and did not invite her in. The end of their protracted affair felt as chance as the beginning and left her aching for what might have been.

Jack was right.

�What possible reason would I have to hurt you?� The query sounded feeble, even to herself. The need for a reply was paramount however, forcing her feet into motion and gradually closing the gap between them. �I didn�t know, I couldn�t have known what would happen. I just wanted�� she trailed off.

Something normal, predictable, secure? The adjectives stuck in her throat.

�You never asked.� Jack uncrossed his arms and reached out to gently tip up her chin. �Not once.�

�I was afraid of what it might mean, for both of us.�

The long fingers stroked her cheek and drifted away. Silent indication that he heard all too clearly what she had not said.

Tremors wracked Sam�s body. Her head pounded and her eyelids burned with the effort to contain a wave of unwarranted tears.

My choices have brought us here�

�I was selfish.�

The one word she had run from for months choked out in a barely audible whisper. The truth in all its ugly glory lay between them.

�I thought you knew��

Did I say that out loud?

�How?� His voice dipped to an icy hiss. �When did it ever leave that room?�

�I don�t know�I just thought�.�

�You thought wrong,� he ground out before turning back to face the rail and the darkness beyond. �You never asked, not once in over three years and then�� Leather glinted in the soft light as he tried to shrug away a stuttering sigh. �Then you showed me that ring�Jesus Sam, don�t you see��

�I wanted you to say something,� she countered sadly.

�Then why didn�t you ask?� He scrubbed a hand through his tousled hair. �You talked about family, about how to handle things at the SGC��

�And I asked you what you would have done if things had been different.� Sam stepped forward, careful not to touch his broad back. She could feel the heat from his body and smell the heady scents of coffee and aftershave. Odors she associated with thousands of encounters on and off base. Jack O�Neill was a presence: comforting, undeniable, solid as the rocks that made up the better part of Cheyenne Mountain. Now in the chill air of a clear fall night he was one thing more, vulnerable.

She took the final step and leaned against the rail. He did not pull away when their elbows brushed and she was dismayed at the shudder that passed between them.

�I asked you and you said �I wouldn�t be here.��

�I wouldn�t,� he reaffirmed.

�What was I supposed to do with that?�

A note of disbelief crept into Jack�s tone. �This is my fault now?�

�It�s not a question of fault.�

�Yes it is.�

The coldness returned in a heartbeat and Sam shrank inwardly. �Yes it is,� she agreed at length. �I didn�t know what to say.�

�You said enough.�

She flinched at the caustic retort. �But it wasn�t what I meant�I didn�t know how��

He straightened, cutting her off mid sentence with a sharp slash of his fingers. �What I can�t understand is why you said yes.�

The query was atypically candid and seemed to surprise him as much as it did her. Sam pivoted and tried to catch his wavering gaze in the inky shadows. It was a futile endeavor, and it occurred to her that the venue of their discussion was not as random as it first appeared. The standing question dissolved in a flare of annoyance. �You knew I would come here, didn�t you?�

Silence.

She grabbed his arm and shook it. �Didn�t you?�

�Don�t touch me.�

�That�s right, Jack O�Neill does all the touching. He determines when it�s okay, like that day in the hallway��

�This is not about my behavior!� His anger flashed to the surface and she paled at the sight of it. �This is about you and your plans and how you never stopped for one second�� The tirade ended abruptly, disappearing without warning behind a wall made high and solid by the strength of managed pain.

�To think about you,� she completed softly.

His breathing came hard and fast. The darkness closed in around them, pulsing with the beat of her hammering heart. Sam watched her hand rise slowly from the rail and hover above his clenched fingers.

�Don�t.�

The single word both vehement order and strangled plea. Her hand lowered over his and she squeezed the clammy flesh. �What did you mean that day in the lab?�

Even in shadow the primal nature of his feelings shone clear. He remained rigid in her grasp however, fighting the urge to relent, defying her attempts to assuage ire with comfort. �What do you think I meant?�

The urge to claim prior understanding of something that had heretofore eluded her was almost overpowering. Sam fought it down with the strength of conviction.

This is our moment�

�I thought you were talking about Sara and Charlie.�

He trembled in her grasp, struggling to absorb the recollections of another lifetime. In a moment control returned, and he peered at her from beneath lowered eyelids. The whites of his eyes gleamed in the reflected starlight as he raked them over her uncertain features.

Sam forced herself to remain absolutely still. Enduring the test of his harsh scrutiny without a hint of protest. She had earned his ire, now she must earn his trust.

�I was wrong.�

He nodded at her conclusion and pulled back. �Yes.�

�You were talking about us.�

Jack turned and lowered his eyes to the deck. He pressed a hand over his face for a long moment and then dropped it with a resounding slap against his leg.

Please don�t look away.

�I didn�t know�I didn�t. I was so caught up in what was happening, I just couldn�t see��

He nodded fractionally, keeping his gaze riveted to a spot on the floor.

�You knew I would come and so you sat up here and waited.�

�Yes.�

His answer seemed to come from far away. The hollow tone stung Sam to the core.

You sat here in the dark because you knew it was the only way you could face me.

The blood rose high and hot in her cheeks at the shameful revelation.

�Why did you say yes?� he repeated wearily.

�Does it matter?� She answered the question with a question, unwilling to inflict the pain he so obviously expected. �It�s over now.�

�It matters.�

�Why?�

Jack turned and the starlight cast his drawn features in stark gray and black. Two halves of a warring soul, seeking and running from the answers only she could give. His fingers brushed her cheek in a chilly, tremulous caress. They moved to her chin and lips, hovering a hairs breadth above the skin.

She shivered and took a step closer. Daring him to touch, yearning for the solace it would bring to both of them.

Please�

He sensed her urgency and pulled back. The hand drifted to the rail at their backs and he leaned, causing the wood to issue a resounding crack. Sam jumped, disturbed by his reaction as much as the protests of the aged plank.

Why do you want me to hurt you anymore?

A car passed by on the street below. The tires sounding inordinately loud as they rolled through the leaves and dirt scattered across the asphalt. In the stillness that followed a dog barked several times and an owl hooted mournfully. The sounds of man and nature sliced through the darkness, lending life to the invisible shroud of sorrow surrounding them.

Life moved ahead in the face of all manner of death. Relationships were no different than flesh. They blossomed in the heat of honesty, withered amidst the hail of scorn and mistrust.

She turned and touched his arm. Drawing his eyes from the floor with gentle pressure upon the skin. �I loved what he represented�I loved what circumstances dictated I could not have� I loved who I could be when I was with him.� His body tensed but she forged on, intent on releasing the burdens for both of their sakes. �I wanted that freedom, the chance to not look over my shoulder and not watch my words. I thought Pete could give me that. I thought you were right and that he would understand.� She sighed and gripped his arm more firmly. �I said yes because I thought I wanted something that you could not give me.�

�I never stood in your way.�

�No, you didn�t.�

�But you never asked me after that day in the observation room. How was I to know?� His eyes touched hers and darted away. Shadows far darker than the midnight gloom skittered across their glassy surfaces. �What do you want from me now? Why the hell should I care?�

�I don�t know.� The admission came easier than Sam ever thought possible. Three years of bitter repression dissipated in the stark light of a broken vow. Her fingers trailed down the length of his arm and into the palm of his cupped hand. She stroked the lines and scars denting the warm skin and swallowed back a lump of sorrow as he sighed into her hair. �I don�t know.�

The long fingers closed around hers and squeezed fiercely. Pressure born of desperation and pain encompassed them for an endless moment before he gradually released his grip. Sam did not react outwardly, instead she held her breath. Hoping, praying for something more than a physical manifestation of his turbulent emotions.

�I waited,� he breathed. �I never pressed because I thought I knew what you wanted.�

His lips were cold and quivering when they pressed against her forehead. Sam covered his clenched fingers with her other hand and waited.

Words tumbled forth in fits and starts, pulled from the most sheltered part of his heart. �I respected you always. I watched you grow as an officer and as a woman and I bided my time. I knew there would be a chance for us. When you had what you wanted I could step back and watch you shine. After what happened in that room three and a half years ago it never occurred to me that you wouldn�t be there. And then he walked in and offered what I could not. Stability, security, a sense of normalcy.� He pulled back and blew out a shaky breath. �I think I knew when I decided to take the promotion. I knew, but I didn�t want to face it and then you showed me the ring�� The last word broke apart and he released her abruptly. Turning and hiding his face as he drew a deep breathe. �I knew, I guess I just needed to hear it.�

Tears stung her eyes and Sam blinked rapidly to clear them. His heart lay upon the sand, open, bare, vulnerable to the warmth or chill of her desires. In the faint light she could see that he was trembling. Barely clinging to the last vestiges of self-control.

Please listen.

�I never loved him, I loved the idea of him. After the incident on board the Prometheus I was scared that I would never get the chance to have what my parents had, what you had with Sara. Pete was there at the right time and I thought he was what I wanted.� He gasped softly and flares of regret blazed across her quivering nerves.

Let me touch you�let me make you see.

�I settled because I thought I had to, not because I wanted to.�

�And now?� he whispered raggedly.

She started at the sound of his voice but did not shy from the question. �Now I know how wrong that was. Now I know what I did to you.� The next words were mired in fear. She licked her lips and forced them out. �I know there�s nothing more between us, but I can�t live with your hatred. I don�t have a right to forgiveness but I want�I need it.�

�Why?�

The word echoed through the darkness, clanging off the stark gray walls of her wounded psyche and spawning a flash of resentment amidst the anguish. How can you ask? What more can I say? She wanted to rail at his inflexibility, and she opened her mouth to do just that.

Jack had turned and was watching her, however. The lighted half of his face lay cloaked in an ever changing curtain of emotions. His eyes glistened with unshed tears and he seemed to be struggling just to look her in the face. The question was necessity, not sadistic overindulgence, Sam realized. Her skin warmed with self-recrimination as she caught his cold fingers in hers. �Because no matter what happens after tonight, I still love you. I always did, in spite of Pete, in spite of everything, I always did.�

�And if I can�t give you what you need?� he countered. �Then what happens?�

Sam pushed down her disappointment with effort. It was too much to ask that he love her back, not after all that had happened. Still, she would reach for hope in any form he chose to give. �Friends?�

Jack�s fingers curled around hers and he pulled slightly. She stumbled and bumped against his warm chest. His shadowed face bent towards hers, and soft lips brushed over her cheek and eyelids. Trailing butterfly kisses across her forehead and into her hair before he pulled back. �Close friends.�

She nodded tentatively.

�Good.�

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