Major Samantha Carter walked down the gray echoing corridors of the SGC softly humming to herself. The base was nearly deserted. With the holidays fast approaching, personnel who weren�t on assignment had abandoned Cheyenne Mountain and fled to various parts of the world in search of family and friends to celebrate the season. SG-1 was on stand down until after the first of the year and Sam had decided to host a small Christmas Party.

It was something she had been meaning to do for five years, but more often than not holidays found her off world, removed from anything that could be considered traditional. Sam smiled and shook her head. It wasn�t that she was a big fan of tradition� Many so-called �family� days had found her engrossed in one project or another, happily oblivious to the date on the calendar. However serving in the SGC was an uncertain situation even under the best of circumstances. The passage of time and yet another birthday had brought a new perspective to light. Sam felt the need to heal old wounds and build new bridges. There had to be life beyond the SGC�

She had never been alone for Christmas, Colonel O�Neill and the rest of SG-1 had seen to that and Sam was grateful. She loved them all� some more than others, she mused. However, sitting around a campfire eating rations and sharing war stories wasn�t the same as decorating a Christmas tree and enjoying a glass of wine over a home cooked dinner. As she walked towards her lab Sam flipped idly through a notebook glancing down at a series of lists she had developed. She paused as her finger came to rest on a short list of toys. As much as she enjoyed the company of her team, and, Sam admitted with an inward smile, the subtle attentions of a certain Colonel, she had been looking forward to spending Christmas with Mark and his children. The Christmas carol died in her throat as Sam�s thoughts drifted back to the phone conversation she had with her brother two days before. Frowning deeply, Sam entered her lab and closed the door with a soft click.

The death of their mother had driven a wedge between Mark and herself, a rift that had persisted for more years than Sam cared to contemplate. Mark had blamed Jacob for the car accident and initially so had she. But eventually she had mellowed her stance, slowly accepting what could not be changed and throwing her loyalty to their father. There had been no middle ground for either of them. It was only after the incident with Seth that Sam had been able to reach out to Mark, to forgive him for his anger and to understand how and why Mark had pulled away from them both so completely. Stolen family moments over the last 2 years had brought a measure of closure for the old raw wounds. Unfortunately Mark had chosen a Christmas ski vacation in Vermont this year and there would be no bright smiles from her niece and nephew. He had apologized profusely to Sam and they had made plans for the weekend after New Year.

Sam sighed heavily and sat down. She could only hope that SG-1�s next mission would allow her to keep those plans.

Rummaging for a pen Sam began to check off the items that she had already acquired. She absently tapped the pen on her desk blotter and let her eyes wander over her chaotic desk until they finally rested on a picture of her father. The photo was an old one, taken when Sam had graduated from the Air Force Academy. She didn�t know why she kept it, there had been plenty of chances for a more recent shot but somehow it seemed more fitting to see him standing tall, and proud in his dress blue. Jacob was gone on a survey mission for a new Tok�ra base. He had managed to contact her the weekend after Thanksgiving, but had been out of communication ever since. Sam picked up the picture and regarded her father�s visage for a long moment as she thoughtfully chewed on her lower lip. Jacob being out of touch was a familiar feeling that she had learned to tolerate long ago, just another drawback to growing up in a military family. Still she could not suppress the cold shivers that crawled up her back when she thought about where Jacob could be and what he could be doing Each time they spoke Sam tried to prepare herself for the fact that it could be the last time�

Enough of that, she told herself firmly. Shaking her head to dispel the morbid thoughts, Sam replaced the picture on her desk and concentrated on the list. Wine, cranberries, squash, French bread, do I dare try and make mom�s stuffing? A knock on the door caused her to jump. As the door opened her pen went skittering across the smooth floor landing with a click against a pair of booted feet. With a self-conscious smile Sam retrieved the pen and looked up at the owner of the boots.

�Colonel?�

Dressed in civvies with his black leather jacket slung casually over one arm, Colonel Jack O�Neill was the picture of relaxation. His salt and pepper hair was still damp from a recent shower and his dark brown eyes were soft as they roamed across Sam�s crowded desk and slid surreptitiously to her face.

�Carter?� He spoke quietly, but his voice held a slightly exasperated edge. �Don�t tell me that�s more research, we�re on stand down, remember?�

�Uh, no, Sir. It�s a list for Christmas dinner actually.� Sam looked down, belatedly realizing that she had never asked the Colonel what his plans were for the holiday. �I�m planning a little party��

She glanced up in time to catch the shadow that passed across O�Neill�s eyes. It was brief, only a moment of darkness, but Sam felt something distinctly cool settle into the room.

�I was hoping you didn�t already have plans��

�I don�t do Christmas, Carter.�

His tone was distant, tinged with sadness. Sam winced inwardly. Of course O�Neill wouldn�t do Christmas! The reasons were glaringly obvious to anyone who knew the man. Sam could feel a guilty flush rising in her cheeks. �I�m sorry, Sir��

�Don�t apologize Carter.� He leaned against the doorframe and nodded at the list that sat forgotten on the desk. �What�s for dinner?�

�Still working that out actually. I�ve never done this before.� Sam closed her eyes and released a sigh. �Sir, I�m sorry, I wasn�t thinking��

�Carter.� He held up a placating hand and shook his head. �So� you say you�ve never done this before?�

�No,� she admitted with a sheepish grin. �I�m not much of a domestic.�

�Then maybe I�m doing my stomach a favor.� He quipped, a wan smile taking the sting from his jibe.

Sam grimaced in response. �Maybe��

O�Neill regarded her for a long moment, before dropping his gaze to the disarray of papers, books, and assorted gadgets that filled her desk.

�How do you find anything on there?�

�I have a system,� Sam paused and gestured at his clothing. �So you�re off?�

�Huh?� O�Neill looked down at his jacket and picked idly at some lint sticking to the collar. �Yeah I guess I am, you?�

�As soon as I sort this list out I�m heading for the market, maybe a Wal-mart, I need some things for my niece and nephew��

Sam trailed into silence, realizing what she had said long after the words had left the safety of her mouth. O�Neill�s boots scraped on the cement floor as he shifted his weight against the doorframe. Sam tossed the pen on her desk and bit her lip. �I�m not doing very well here��

�I�m not made of glass, don�t worry about it.�

His denial was too quick, Sam could hear the catch in his voice beneath the swish of his jacket as he slung it across his shoulders.

�Have a nice time, I�ll see you after New Year.�

�Sir?�

The word hung in the air between them. A single pulsing syllable that carried more weight than any other word Sam could have spoken. O�Neill paused mid shrug, his jacket slowly sliding off his shoulders onto his elbows.

�Huh?�

Sam opened her mouth to speak, her emotions crowding close to the surface and poised to spill forth in words she could not say. Please come! Don�t stay home alone! Share the holiday with us! We�re your family! She swallowed hard and closed her mouth with a long shuddering sigh. I can�t stand the thought of you being alone� she bowed her head, knowing that her thoughts showed clearly on her face. When she looked up the Colonel had slipped quietly from the room.

�Way to go Sam.� She whispered bitterly.

The intense silence of the lab was as loud as any thunderclap. Sam paced the length of the room to the doorway, her head in her hands. The Colonel�s family history was no secret, she had known for over five years about his son. At various times O�Neill had given brief glimpses of the sorrow and guilt he still carried. The Crystal Child, Rhetou Charlie, a painful admission to Malikai on P4X-639. The utter insensitivity of her casual statements amazed and horrified her. Sam turned back to her desk and picked up the notebook, no longer interested but driven by the need to finish any project she started. A sharp rap on her door gave her an excuse to toss the notebook aside again.

�Come,� she murmured as she ran her hands through her hair.

�Hey, are we still on for Christmas Eve?�

Janet Fraiser�s bright cheery voice forced back some of the shadows left by O�Neill�s departure. Sam plastered a smile on her face before turning to greet her friend.

�Yeah, are you still feeling brave?�

�Of course,� Janet crossed to the desk and leaned heavily on it. �God I�m tired. Just discharged my last patient from the Infirmary. I�m so looking forward to this break.�

�Me too.�

�Hey, you okay?�

Sam nodded stiffly busying herself with the papers on her desk unwilling to meet her friend�s questioning gaze. Janet�s hand on her arm stopped Sam cold.

�What is it? You were so excited earlier��

�I still am, Janet�.�

�Then wha�� She straightened and gestured into the empty hallway. �I saw Colonel O�Neill on my way over here�is he coming?�

�No.�

Sam struggled to hide her disappointment. Janet knew how she felt about Colonel O�Neill and had tactfully held her tongue for nearly two years, ever since the colonel had gone missing on Edora. Sam had tried hard to never put Janet or herself in a position that would force the Doctor to share her knowledge with outside parties. Air Force regulations allowed no flexibility for matters of the heart.

�He doesn�t do Christmas�� She added softly.

�Oh�I guess we should have known that�� Janet sighed and shook her head. �It�s a tough time of year.�

�Yeah, I guess.�

�So how�s the menu coming?� Janet ventured in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Sam smiled gratefully and glanced at the list with renewed interest. �Oh, um fine�Daniel wants to bring something but I don�t know what to ask him for��

�Well I was thinking of bringing an old family favorite if that�s okay?�

�Yeah that�s fine, what are you bringing?�

Janet grinned mischievously, �Surprise!�

�No fruitcake!�

Janet grimaced in mock indignation before releasing a soft laugh. �This was a great idea, Sam, I can�t tell you how much Cassie is looking forward to it.�

�How�s she doing in school?�

The doctor frowned as she pulled out the stool from under Sam�s desk and climbed onto it. �She�s better but still not a hundred percent. I�m hoping this holiday will help ease her mind a bit. After what happened with Nirrti she�s become very unsure of herself, withdrawn�almost like when she first came here.�

Sam leaned on her desk. �But she was only 11��

�I know but in some ways she�s just as scared.� Janet sighed heavily, her brown eyes dark with concern. �It�s like she�s waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering what other surprises her body has in store for her.� She looked at Sam. �The only thing I can tell her is that we�ll be here for her. Sam, I can�t tell her that nothing else will happen. I can�t be sure and it�s so frustrating!�

Sam laid a reassuring hand on her friend�s arm. �Believe me Janet you�re not alone. We all love that little girl.� She grinned at her choice of words. �Guess she�s not so little anymore�.�

Where had the time gone? Sam dropped her eyes to the lists on her desk.

�What are you thinking,� Janet murmured

�That this dinner is more important to me then I realized.� Sam admitted, her voice nearly inaudible.

Janet�s eyes flickered towards the empty corridor but she said nothing. The look was not lost on Sam. She crossed her arms and stared at the ceiling for a long moment. Janet�s silent implication spoke volumes for Sam�s transparency. She hated not being in control of her emotions when it came to the Colonel, and it wasn�t getting any easier the longer they worked together.

Sam had to admit she felt vaguely uneasy asking the Colonel to join them for dinner. Perhaps that was why the invitation had slipped from her mind until he was standing in her doorway. They wouldn�t be alone but still the thought of him so close and in such a relaxed situation�she could feel the color rising in her cheeks and quickly ducked her head, pretending to check off the grocery list for the umpteenth time. His earlier refusal had hurt but there had been just the tiniest bit of relief as well. The latter emotion filled Sam with self-loathing. If she couldn�t face the Colonel across a dinner table how could she ever expect to�

Sam closed the notebook with a loud snap, cutting off her thoughts just as abruptly. She couldn�t think about what might be, too many obstacles stood in the way.

�I need to get going if I�m going to get everything I need before the market closes.�

�Sam?�

�Huh?�

She looked down into Janet�s warm gaze, the unspoken question passing silently between them. Squeezing her arm Sam pushed off the desk and reached for her jacket, which hung from a hook by the door.

�I know Janet, believe me I know��

Sam strode from the lab leaving the door open behind her. She needed to feel the damp chill air of a Colorado December, the rush of the wind between earth and sky and the bite of fresh snow on her cheeks. The walls of the SGC seemed darker and grayer than she had ever seen them as she walked purposefully down the long corridors towards the elevator shaft. The silence of the nearly empty facility was oppressive and it whispered in her ear. Taunting her with the implications of the choices she had made in her life and the restrictions she had placed on herself and those she loved. Sam boarded the car in silence, thankful that no one else had chosen that moment to depart the mountain. She leaned against the back wall and rubbed tiredly at her face, willing her mind to gentler thoughts. The turmoil brought on by Janet�s unspoken query rose unbidden. Sam cursed softly banging a closed fist against the hard metal walls of the lift.

What good would it do to rehash the same arguments? To allow the same tired questions to chase their way around her brain, bumping into the solid relentless walls that were the military framework of her existence? She was a soldier, and she felt an enormous pride in what she had accomplished. Sam couldn�t help resenting the part of her that wanted to throw that away. For what reason, she argued, for love? Was that enough? Being a civilian scientist could never compare to the life she led as a member of SG-1�.

Sam reached sub level 11 and exited the auxiliary shaft. She waved at the security guard and signed out with a distracted happy holidays to the officer on watch. Entering the second elevator that would take her to ground level she fished for her gloves in her haversack and pulled them snugly into place, flexing her fingers.

Her resentment wasn�t justified. The colonel had never asked her to do anything� She cringed inwardly. Even in the privacy of her thoughts military decorum persisted.

Jack.

The name sent shivers racing up Sam�s back. It sounded odd, foreign, echoing through her mind. Jack had simply accepted her desire to �keep it in the room.� Was that what she wanted then?

Were things still the same now?

Sam launched herself from the elevator as soon as the doors parted. The impact of running into a solid warm body jolted her from her reverie. Startled, she looked up and gasped.

�Colonel!�

�Major.� He acknowledged with slightly raised eyebrows. A smile tugged at his lips as he held her lightly by the elbows. �Distracted?�

�Uh�yes, Sir,� she stammered.

Sam ducked to hide the blush rising in her cheeks, and made a show of searching for her car keys.

�Holiday stuff.� She lied, feeling instantly guilty

�I forgot my keys,� Jack admitted quietly, �Sorry I slipped out on you earlier, but�.�

�No, Sir, its okay I understand.�

Sam took a step back. The scents of crisp snow filled air and leather filled the space between them. Jack�s face had a tender vulnerable expression as he stood before her playing with the zipper on his jacket. Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, Sam jingled the keys meaningfully and moved towards the parking garage. When she reached the doors she turned back and discovered, not surprisingly, that Jack was watching her.

�If you change your mind Sir, tomorrow night seven o�clock.�

�I won�t�Sam.�

Her name was barely a whisper in the quiet of the lobby, but Sam started as if stung. Turning she walked rapidly through the open doors. The sadness in his eyes more than she could bear.

*******

Downtown Colorado Springs was awash in holiday cheer and moving at a frenetic pace. Christmas lights hung from every tree and festooned windows and doorways with streamers of pulsing color. The sounds of carols leaked through windows and spilled from doorways as shoppers frantically scrambled to complete their tasks. The onset of dusk and the approach of a towering storm front added to the chaos.

Sam clutched an assortment of bags close against her as she pushed her way down the crowded sidewalk to her car. Maybe there�s a reason I don�t do this every year, she growled to herself as she jammed the key into her trunk. The tip slid across the smooth metal, leaving a nasty scratch before slipping from her grasp into the slush at her feet

�Damn!�

�Sam, is that you?�

Startled she glanced up in time to see Dr. Daniel Jackson exiting a candy shop two doors down. He smiled and hastened forward to grab a pair of bags from her.

�Here let me help you. Geez you have enough here to feed an army!�

Sam fished the keys from the mud and wiped them off with a napkin before inserting them in the lock.

�Yeah, I guess,� she mumbled. She took the bags from him and slammed the trunk with a sigh. �What are you doing out tonight?�

�Last minute stuff.� Daniel grinned and held up his own bag. �For tomorrow, thought we could do fondue, have some wine before dinner?�

Sam felt the tensions of the previous moment drain away in the face of his obvious delight. �Sounds great, I meant to get back to you about the menu��

�Is this okay?�

�Yeah that�s fine!� She smiled broadly. �Chocolate�s always good!�

�Thought so.�

They stood for a moment, the first snowflakes gently dancing around them. The air was crisp and shot through with streaks of watery color, reflections from the lights that flashed along the length of the street. In the distance Sam could hear a Salvation Army Santa ringing his bell. The excited ramblings of people as they passed close beside her mingled with the squeals of unseen children. Sam shivered. Despite the press of humanity she felt alone. She dragged her eyes back to Daniel who was watching her, his blue eyes dark with concern. He reached out and gently shook her elbow.

�Are you okay? You seem a little�down?�

�I wish people would stop asking me that today,� Sam snapped.

Daniel blinked and pulled his hand from her arm. �Sorry.�

Sam shook her head and patted his shoulder with a sigh. �No, I�m sorry. It�s just that Janet asked me the same thing a little while ago.�

�Why?�

�Why what?�

�Why would she ask you that?�

�I was talking about the dinner tomorrow night�� Sam closed her eyes and took a breath. �I asked the Colonel to come.�

�And what did he say�?�

They both recognized it for the rhetorical question it was. Sam knew Daniel was giving her an out for her feelings and she squeezed his arm before dropping her hand to her side.

�He said he doesn�t do Christmas.� She repeated the phrase with a fresh sense of guilt and regret. �I shouldn�t have asked him Daniel.�

�Yes you should have.� He replied emphatically. �He�s family�

Sam glanced up, startled, but gratified to hear Daniel echoing her own long held beliefs. �Yes he is�I just wish he would let us in.�

�I can talk to him if you like.� Daniel offered hesitantly.

�No, I don�t think so��

Sam could hear the relieved sigh that Daniel attempted unsuccessfully to suppress. She couldn�t blame him really, talking to Jack O�Neill about his feelings wasn�t a conversation anyone really wanted to have. Even if they need to, Sam noted inwardly. Visions of a brick wall swam before her eyes and Sam smiled wryly.

�What? What did I say?�

�Nothing.� Sam shook her head at his boyish grin. �Dinner is at seven, but how about you come around three and we�ll start the fondue? Cassie and Janet will be there by then, can you pick up Teal�c?�

Daniel nodded. �I wonder how Junior will take to chocolate?� He mused.

Sam smirked at the mention of Jack�s pet name for Teal�c�s symbiote.

�Good question�� She stepped cautiously into the street, staying close to her car. �See you tomorrow.�

She flashed Daniel a smile over her shoulder before slipping behind the wheel. As the car roared to life and Sam eased into traffic she pondered Daniel�s comments. Jack was family, in every sense of the word except blood. Families did for one another they helped each other. Sam couldn�t help wondering how long Jack intended to endure the yearly holiday rituals in stubborn self imposed exile.

It was true Daniel had been allowed past the colonel�s walls of purgatory on a number of occasions. It was also true that each visit had left the archeologist more shaken than before the encounter. Watching their friendship evolve over the last five years had been an educational experience for Sam. Despite the stilted nature of many of the exchanges she had witnessed, Sam knew she had seen something truly unique develop between Jack and Daniel. They were two men who knew the meaning of friendship and valued it without having to testify to its worth. As painful as it could be, she envied Daniel being part of Jack�s inner circle. A place that she desperately wanted to be, more so as time wore on and she got closer to the proud and complex man that was Jack O�Neill.

As she navigated the crowded streets, Sam recognized the irony of her own thoughts. For years she had stood back from everyone in her life. Yet another similarity between Jack and herself, Sam noted. She had watched her niece and nephew grow up in pictures, until abruptly Mark had given up trying to reach out to her, ceasing his letters without warning. Sam couldn�t blame him. Guilt and shame were powerful building blocks and the wall between them had become solid with time. The incident at Seth�s cult compound had shone a fresh light on old wounds. As their father took the first steps towards reconciliation with Mark, she found the courage to reach out as well. To their mutual surprise they found Mark ready and willing to share his life and his nuclear family. There was conflict, but it was tempered by love and an underlying sense of peace and forgiveness. They had started over and built new bridges to replace the old.

Of course Jack wasn�t Mark and her feelings were hardly brotherly or platonic, Sam acknowledged with a deep sigh. Regulations had not deterred their feelings for one another. Sam saw it every time Jack glanced her way, felt it when he dared to touch her arm or brush his fingertips across the back of her hand. Stolen furtive glances from beneath lowered lashes as they sat together in the commissary or across from one another around a campfire off-world served to highlight what neither could forget. She sensed his holding back and she felt the aching echo in her own heart.

Forcing the forbidden thoughts to the back of her mind, Sam drove towards the outskirts of town where her house was nestled in a quiet residential neighborhood. The streets were lined with houses decorated to varying degrees, a gathering of similar dwellings filled with families, with children. Some garishly overwrought with strings of motion lights and projected cartoon scenes. Others were more simply done. Quiet, understated displays, a wooden cr�che, strings of lights wrapped around porch railings, a wreath on a door, it seemed like everyone had found a way to display their holiday fervor.

Everyone, but her.

Sam pulled up in front of her dark house. Leaning back in the worn leather seats, she chewed thoughtfully on her lip. It wasn�t that she needed lights or flags but she had to admit that it would be nice to come home to something�. a presence� a feeling that she wasn�t alone. Her mind wandered briefly to Orlin. He was certainly a presence, she admitted with a small sigh. But it wasn�t Orlin�s jacket that Sam wanted hanging in her hall closet.

Dismissing the disturbing thoughts with a shake of her head Sam climbed from her car and walked to the trunk. She paused then, her key hovering over the niche, her thoughts tumbling over one another. No it wasn�t Orlin, or Narim, or Joe Faxom, or Martouf. All of them had been special in their own way but �

Sam climbed back into her car and pulled back onto the empty street, there was one more stop she had to make.

*******

Night had descended completely when Sam emerged from the tiny gem and mineral shop. She turned and gave the proprietor a brief, grateful wave before heading back to the warm, dry refuge of her car. Once inside she removed her gloves and held the small wrapped bundle in her hands. Testing the weight of it, liking its solid, tangible feel. It was a simple looking gift, swathed in bubble wrap and plain brown paper, nondescript, concealing completely the beauty at its core. She placed the bundle on the seat beside her and peered out into the mist. The snow showers had changed to rain and a creeping fog hovered close to the roadway. The glowing orbs of the streetlights only added to the haze. Sam put her car in gear, a slight tremor of concern passing through her as she eased into traffic.

Motorists, heedless of the worsening conditions, skidded by her. Slush and ice chips splattered against the windshield and Sam cursed softly at the pulsing brake lights that accompanied each impatient driver, often merely moments after they passed. The sudden squeal of tires and the clanking thud of metal on metal set her teeth on edge. The car in front of her slued to one side, inches from her bumper. The passenger door swung open and colorful packages spilled onto the roadway, flipping and bouncing beneath passing cars. Somewhere over the din of horns and the screech of skidding tires Sam heard a scream. Pumping her brakes and fighting her own sense of panic she guided her car around the edge of the accident and onto the shoulder beyond. Clutching the wheel with white knuckled fingers, she held her breath as her car slid to a stop against an embankment. Other motorists were not so fortunate. Sam closed her eyes and released a long shuddering sigh. Jolts of fear shot through her as the sounds of additional impacts penetrated the deceptive safety of her car�s interior. After what seemed like an eternity the sounds ceased and the normal background of the city returned.

Sam�s heart was pounding in her chest her breath coming in short ragged gasps. Swallowing hard, she glanced around the inside of her car and then down at her own shaking limbs. Get a grip Sam, she chastised herself, it�s not the first time you�ve almost been in a wreck! The truth did little to calm her nerves. She fished for her gloves and cautiously stepped out of her car to survey the damage.

A total of five vehicles were crumpled together in the middle of the street. Amidst the mud and slush she could see the gaily-wrapped packages from the first vehicle, squashed and shattered good wishes, soiled by the roadway grime. Bits of glass and twisted metal were strewn for several yards; someone�s muffler lay across the yellow line, still steaming away its heat.

Sam grimaced at the mess. Several motorists had stopped and were tending to the victims, offering sympathy and warm blankets. She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed 911. It�s going to be a long evening, she thought as she crossed to the closest vehicle.

********

Sam sat back on her sofa with a heavy sigh

�I hope Daniel doesn�t mind using his fondue for dessert!� She muttered in disgust.

The last of the dishes from her aborted attempt at making homemade pies were drying in the dish rack on the counter. Traces of flour could still be seen beneath the Formica lip, and clinging to the hinges on the cupboard doors. She took a healthy sip of wine and shook her head, too discouraged to find the dish cloth and wipe away the mess.

I suppose I could blame it on lack of sleep, Sam thought dismally. The police had kept all the witnesses for over two hours as they sorted through the accident. Fortunately the only serious injuries were to the Christmas presents scattered across the roadway. The gifts were intended for a children�s center and the driver was on his way to deliver them when he hit a patch of black ice. Sam had taken up a collection among the passers by and gathered enough cash to replace most of the presents. It had felt good to help, but it didn�t replace the sleep she had lost due to jangled nerves.

Rising to her feet and Sam wandered into the kitchen to peer through the glass front of the oven door with a worried frown. The turkey within had turned a shiny brown in color, even though it had only been in two hours. She looked disdainfully at the yams already cooling on the wrack, their skin wrinkled and crisp. Stuffing sat in a covered dish, soggy, slimy inedible. There�s always salad, she thought sullenly. Refilling her glass she walked back into the living room.

How pathetic! My first dinner and I blow it completely, probably give everyone here Salmonella! Rubbing a weary hand over her eyes, Sam slouched deeper into the cushions. I guess Jack was right, he�s doing himself a favor not being here.

The thought gave her pause. What is he doing now? How does he spend what surely must be the longest two days of the year?

There was no doubt in Sam�s mind that Jack was alone. The deep sorrow reflected in his dark brown eyes the night before flashed before her mind�s eye and she winced. She reached towards the phone perched on the end table, an unconscious gesture, born of....

Love?

Sam shook her head and bit her lip. The word set off klaxons in her mind, piercing alarms that she struggled to stifle into silence. Her fingers hovered over the smooth plastic, twitching reflexively. What would he say? She never called Jack when they were off duty. It would be too easy, too familiar too close to what she hoped they both still wanted. A simple social call could hold dangers as serious as any Goa�uld system lord.

Groaning softly Sam allowed her hand to settle back into her lap. If I reach out to him, today of all days, can I close that door again?

Do I even want to?

The insistent chime of her doorbell saved Sam from further painful musings. Shaking her head to clear the cobwebs, she plastered a smile on her face and went to greet her first guests.

�Merry Christmas Sam!� Janet and Cassie exclaimed in unison.

They stood in the doorway, their breath coming in soft white puffs, weighed down with a variety of bags and a large glass bowl filled with something fluffy and orange beneath its saran wrap cover.

�Geez, it�s cold!� Dropping her cheery facade Cassie pushed her way past Sam and into the warm interior. �What�s that smell?�

�Teenagers.� Janet mumbled with a sigh as she followed her daughter. �Um� Sam, what is that smell?�

�Turkey I think.� Sam responded dejectedly as she trailed after them into the living room.

Cassie had proceeded into the kitchen and was fingering one of the yams.

�What are these?�

�Yams, Cassie.� Janet set her packages on the couch. �You might try being a little less rude,� she admonished.

�Yeah whatever.�

�Cassie!�

Sam stepped forward and placed a calming hand on Janet�s arm. �It�s okay, I can�t say I blame her really...�

Janet sighed and shed her coat without comment.

�We need some tunes.� Cassie tossed her scarf and jacket on the back of the couch and went to Sam�s stereo cabinet. Running her fingers down the short stack of CDs she groaned and shook her head. �Geez, not much here...�

�How about something festive, WXDR is playing Christmas Carols all day. � Her mother suggested brightly. The comment was greeted with an even louder groan as the frustrated teen slouched onto the couch, sending a pile of gifts sliding onto the carpet.

�Please be more careful,� Janet hastened forward and rescued the gifts, transferring them to an armchair.

�Really going all out with this Christmas routine aren�t you mom?�

�Yes Cassie, I am. You might try getting in the mood.� Janet replied tensely as she stood facing her daughter, her hands on her hips. �We talked about this...�

�Where�s Jack?� Cassie interrupted. She locked gazes with her mother, her eyes dark and unreadable. Janet was the first to turn away, she shifted on her feet, clearly at a loss on how to answer Cassie�s question.

Frustrated by her mother�s hesitation Cassie rounded on Sam, �When�s Jack going to get here?�

Sam closed her eyes and leaned against the bar separating the living room from the kitchen. Cassie had grown close to the Colonel in the years since her rescue. She respected and loved him in a way that was uniquely her own. Sam was sure that it gave Jack enormous satisfaction to play the role, however covertly, of father. He often spoke to Janet about Cassie�s social activities and her schooling. Sam knew from Janet that he had started a College fund for her. Sam was not surprised though she kept her knowledge carefully hidden. Jack would be embarrassed she was sure. His tough as nails facade once again exposed. There was no easy way to break it to the outwardly hostile teen that Jack would be absent from any part of this gathering. Deciding that a sugar coated answer was less than Cassie deserved Sam opened her eyes and shook her head.

�He�s not coming.�

�You invited him didn�t you?� Cassie flashed hotly,

�Yes of course I did,� Sam shot back. Biting her lip she fought for control of her own rising ire, Merry God damn Christmas Sam, she thought bitterly. �Cassie I wouldn�t leave out the Colonel...�

�He has a name you know!� Cassie was shouting now. She stood in the center of the living room, her fists clenching and unclenching, bright crimson rising in her normally pale cheeks. �His name is Jack, how come you never say it!!�

�Cassie that�s enough!� Janet spun her daughter around to face her. The diminutive doctor was trembling as she reached up and stroked Cassie�s hair from her face. �Why are you doing this?� She whispered. �Cassie, please honey it�s Christmas...�

�What difference does that make?� Cassie hissed back. �Mom, you act like today is such a special thing, like we�re just supposed to forget everything else that�s going on...�

�Where is this coming from?�

Sam stood in silence, watching the emotional tug of war with a dull familiar ache in her heart. A Christmas Eve fifteen years earlier had been the setting for a heated exchange between her and Mark. An argument begun over a trivial matter that had escalated until her brother had stormed from the house. He had disappeared for a week, turning up New Year�s Day, hung over but unrepentant.

She turned away and walked into the kitchen, at a loss to help Janet or herself. Her life had divided into two paths that winter day so long ago. She had taken what, at the time, seemed like the easier route. Away from family and into the welcoming arms of the military, Sam had been completely oblivious to the irony of her chosen path. A life like her father�s�rigid, regulated, structured to the point where she didn�t have to think, or feel. Look where it�s gotten me, Sam thought cynically as she leaned on the countertop and looked out into her backyard.

Outside the sky was a crisp azure blue without a hint of the clouds that had blanketed the city the night before. Sometime before dawn the rain had changed back to snow and the neighborhood was covered in a sparkling blanket of white. Long icicles dripped from the eaves above her kitchen window, casting a bright prism across the countertop and onto the floor.

She dropped her eyes, studying the colors that trembled with each fresh drop of water that trailed down the icicles and hung suspended on the sharp tip. The logical scientific explanations for the appearance of the rainbow came too easily to Sam�s mind and she bit her lip. She could almost hear Jack gently chiding her as he pointed out the simple beauty that logic obscured. Her mind wandered back to the night before, to the purchase she made and the reasons behind it. Reluctantly Sam dragged her gaze from the soothing rainbow and back to the tense figures standing motionless in front of the couch.

Frozen in time, Janet and Cassie stared at one another. Janet�s hand, small and white, rested on Cassie�s folded arms. Sam closed her eyes to the pain that flowed between mother and daughter, a bubble that seemed to grow and encompass the entire living room, filling it with a chill to rival the crisp December afternoon.

The silence stretched until it snapped. With a loud sigh Cassie stalked down the short hallway to Sam�s bedroom and slammed the door.

Janet dropped her arms to her sides. Shaking her head she turned beseechingly to Sam. �She�s been so difficult lately, I�m sorry about this��

�No, Janet, you�ve got nothing to apologize for.� Sam crossed the short space between them. �Let me talk to her. Relax, okay?�

�Are you sure? I mean��

�Yes, I�m sure.� Sam interrupted. �Daniel and Teal�c should be here shortly��

As if on cue the doorbell abruptly chimed and Sam released a soft laugh.

�Couldn�t have planned it better.� She patted Janet on the arm and gestured towards the door. �Can you let them in, Daniel�s got chocolate��

�Well then by all means we should let the man in!� Janet replied, a note of genuine enthusiasm creeping into her strained voice.

Sam left her to tend to the new arrivals and padded down the short hallway. Beyond the door she could hear the sounds of her clock radio. Tuned, surprisingly, to classical music. Sam paused, listening the gentle strains of a long forgotten sonata. The music flowed beneath the door and drifted into the confined space of the hall. It enfolded Sam, caressing her with a soothing melody of strings and horns, rising and falling like waves. As the piece drifted to a close Sam swiped a hand across her eyes, startled and disturbed by the tears that clung to her lashes. Swallowing hard she rapped softly on the painted wood. After a moment she heard the soft click of the lock and the door swung inward. Cassie returned to Sam�s bed and sat cross-legged in the middle of the spread, wiping self-consciously at her face.

�So,� Sam settled on the bed beside the teen.

She wanted to reach out and hold her, like she had four years before when Cassie was a frightened child, the victim of a cruel Goa�uld attack. But the person beside her was a young woman now, caught in the raw tumultuous emotions of adolescence. It didn�t help matters that she was different from everyone else around her. That she had already experienced at least one situation that none of her peers could relate too.

�So what?� Cassie muttered in response. She picked at the knee of her jeans, her long red hair falling in waves across her face.

�Do you want to talk about things? Your mom is really worried��

�She�s always worried.�

�Cassie, she loves you, we all do.�

The teen shook her head and shifted away from Sam. She fiddled with her hair shoving it back behind her ears as she stared out the window.

�Why is it so hard for you to accept that we love you?� Sam whispered softly.

�Why is it so hard for you?� Cassie murmured in response.

Sam blinked, mystified. �I don�t understand��

�Yeah I guess.�

�What are you talking about?�

Cassie turned, her dark eyes searching Sam�s face. �Jack,� she said simply.

Startled, Sam blinked and looked away, the name sending a jolt of fear through her. Why, how, where had Cassie gotten such an idea? Had the colonel said something? Sam dismissed the idea almost as soon as it had formed. Jack would never say a word she thought dejectedly. Of course that was the problem wasn�t it, for both of them

�I don�t know what you mean.� She lied, knowing that Cassie would see through it immediately but unable to do otherwise.

Cassie smirked and shook her head. �Of course you don�t,� she spat nastily.

Sam stifled the harsh retort that hovered on the tip of her tongue. The teen�s anger was not directed at her, although she was currently the most accessible target. Cassie was railing at the unfairness of the situation she had been placed in. All the love that they, her earth family, could provide didn�t change the fact that the parents she had known and loved for eleven years were gone. Love could not alter the experiments that Nirrti had performed and the possible, but as yet unknown long-term affects those actions could have. She deserves to be bitter, at least to a point, Sam acknowledged to herself.

�Cassie I wish knew what to say but I don�t�� She murmured eventually.

�Aren�t you listening to me?� Cassie released a loud sigh. �Geez, Sam, Jack loves you!�

For the second time in as many minutes Sam was confronted by the very feelings that she had struggled for so long to deny herself. A cold irrational fear gripped her insides, spreading cool tendrils along her limbs and forcing an involuntary shiver down her back.

�Cassie��

�He loves you,� she repeated softly.

Cassie climbed to her feet and walked to the window. Sunlight poured across the sill and played in her hair, painting streaks of copper and gold across her shoulders and down her back. �Sam, how can you let that go? I couldn�t.�

The words were a whisper, spoken with wisdom far beyond Cassie�s sixteen years. Sam crossed the short space between them and placed tentative hands on Cassie�s shoulders.

�When did you get so smart?� She murmured into her hair.

�I have a lot of good teachers.�

�Yes you do,� Sam agreed with a wan smile.

They were silent for a while. Above the gentle lull of the classical music, Sam could hear the murmur of voices and the clank of metal. Daniel and Janet busying themselves in the kitchen. Occasionally Teal�c�s baritone voice would intrude, too low to hear the words, but Sam could tell by the tone that he was questioning their activities. Ever curious to learn about the human rituals that his friends participated in.

�Sam?�

Cassie�s voice drew her back to the bedroom. �Huh?�

�I�m sorry�I hope you�re not too mad about what I said�I suppose it�s none of my business��

Sam squeezed her shoulders and walked back to sit heavily on the end of the bed. True, she wanted to blurt out, my love life is my own, but Cassie�s words had been spoken out of love and in the defense of love, that fickle emotion that had eluded Sam most of her life. How could she fault Cassie for stating what she hoped was the truth? But how did she know? Sam opened her mouth to ask the question and was silenced by a gentle tap on the door.

�Is it safe to come in?� Daniel called hesitantly.

As if sensing Sam�s unspoken query, Cassie went to the door and pulled it open. The first genuine smile Sam had seen that day rested lightly on her lips as she leaned forward and embraced a startled and pleased Daniel.

�Merry Christmas.� She whispered into his ear as she kissed him on the cheek.

�Thanks, Cassie. The same to you.�

�Daniel Jackson!� Teal�c called sharply. A waft of bitter smelling smoke drifted into the bedroom.

�Daniel!� Janet�s plaintive cry made the archeologist duck hastily into the hallway. His hurried steps were followed shortly by a loud groan and the insistent shriek of the smoke detector.

�Oh crap�� Sam moaned. She was rewarded with a smirk from Cassie before she dashed from the bedroom. The hall and living room were clouded with the black wispy smoke puffing steadily from the fondue pot sitting in the middle of Sam�s dining table.

�What the�?�

Janet and Daniel stood in bewildered silence on either side of the blackened pot. Streaks of crispy chocolate had flowed over the sides and into the burner below extinguishing the flame. The pan they had placed beneath the pot had turned a sickly brown with the heat and the sugar.

�I don�t know what happened�� Daniel said sheepishly.

�Major Carter?�

�Huh?�

�I think the contents of your oven are in need of monitoring at this time.� The normally stoic Jaffa stood in front of the stove, a concerned expression on his broad features.

�Oh no, the turkey!� Sam hurried into the kitchenette and reached for the pot holders on the counter top.

�Excuse me.� She muttered to Teal�c, who obligingly stepped aside.

She popped open the oven door and reeled back as fresh smoke billowed forth adding to the acrid fumes that hung suspended all around them. The skin of the turkey was as black as the chocolate in the fondue pot. She pulled out the bird and set it on the stove top with a clank. Taking a knife she stabbed through the skin, wincing at the toughness. Pink juice oozed from the fresh cut and Sam sighed with exasperation.

�It�s raw!�

�Pizza anyone?� Cassie called brightly from the living room.

Sam spun around ready to snap at the teen. Instead she doubled over trying to stifle the giggles that eventually spilled forth in gasps of laughter. Cassie had decked out her hair with a dozen Christmas bows and she had wrapped her torso in Santa Claus Christmas paper, placing a large silver bow where over her belly button.

When Sam had recovered breath enough to speak she turned to Janet who was leaning on the counter her head in her hands.

�What did you bring? For dinner I mean.�

�Squash.� Janet managed after a moment.

Sam took stock of their dinner between giggles. �So we have a raw turkey, slimy stuffing, crispy potatoes, burnt fondue, squash and salad?

�Sounds about right,� Janet agreed.

�This does not sound like a very edible compilation of sustenance.� Teal�c remarked his expression completely deadpan.

Sam dissolved into a new fit of giggles, feeling the tension slide from her body as she leaned against the fridge. Teal�c reacted by raising a quizzical eyebrow, which caused Janet to collapse onto the couch, helpless to control her mirth.

Eventually Sam regained control and took the phone from Cassie who had observed the whole exchange with a broad mischievous grin planted on her face.

�Okay what will it be?�

In the end it had been three large pizzas dripping with toppings. Laughter had been on order as well and while they waited for dinner to arrive they had decorated the tree Sam had purchased, filling the fir with strings of cranberries and popcorn. Tinsel hung from every needle, obscuring the greenery behind a festive haze of silver and gold strands. Finally after an hour the pizza man had shown up. Daniel had given the surly teen a twenty dollar tip and Cassie had planted a flirtatious kiss on his sallow cheek. Janet had attempted to reprimand her but her broad smile belied her serious tone and Cassie had giggled and waved her mother off. They had eaten the salad and squash and followed it up with the fruit Daniel had intended for the fondue. Washing it all down with two bottles of wine. Sam saw her guests off with an ache in her side and a broad smile on her flushed face.

Sam had finally gone to bed, dismissing the mess in the kitchen with a wave and a promise to herself that tomorrow was soon enough to clean up. She had no plans for the morning so she rolled into her down comforter intending to sleep late.

But something had awakened her.

The clock read one am. Sam rolled away and faced the window, her eyes open wide and her heart pounding in her chest as she tried to ascertain what had pulled her from her slumber. She couldn�t remember dreaming, only that she had been peacefully asleep and now suddenly was alert, tense, and ready. The same feeling that she had while on night watch duty off-world.

Visions of Cassie in Christmas paper brought a distracted smile to Sam�s lips. The teen had grown more animated as the evening progressed. Flirting with a bashful Daniel and putting a green bow on Teal�c�s tattoo eliciting a rare smile from the good-natured Jaffa. No one mentioned Jack, though Sam felt his presence whenever she glanced around the room and saw one or the other of her friends lost in thought. More than once she caught Daniel with a wistful expression in his blue eyes, though he was quick to cover it with a smile and a ready laugh. Sam couldn�t blame him. It had been a struggle to keep her mind in the present, especially when Janet had made a toast to absent friends. The evening had been a success overall, Sam reflected, despite her dismal attempt at dinner

Now as she lay in her bed listening the hum of the refrigerator and the ticking of the baseboards, Sam realized that somehow, in some way, it was the Colonel who had pulled her from her dreams. When they were off world she was always aware of Jack, especially when he slept. The deep measured sound of his breathing, whenever he coughed or mumbled, registered in a quiet place in Sam�s mind. He was a presence, solid and reassuring. But in five years of working so closely together Sam had never awoken with such an odd, disquieting feeling.

She got out of bed and paced to the window. Leaning on the sill, she pressed her forehead to the cold glass and closed her eyes. What could it mean? An irrational fear clutched her insides spreading a chill through her limbs. She shivered and pulled her robe more tightly around her. Was Jack in danger? She shook her head trying to dispel a myriad of images that flashed through her mind, each more disturbing than the last. No, she told herself determinedly, they were home safe. It was Christmas�

Her eyes snapped opened abruptly as her thoughts finally found direction. Jack was certainly in danger but not from something tangible like a Goa�uld system lord or an energy weapon. A shiver raced up Sam�s back as she pushed away from the glass and stood in the silent bedroom. He�s in danger of being alone, she thought bitterly. A choice I made, for both of us! She sat down heavily on the end of the bed and ran trembling fingers through her hair. Maybe Jack is more ready to move on than I give him credit for and maybe that�s why I can�t! What am I afraid of? Is Jack really as dedicated to this war as I am, or am I just fooling myself because I don�t want to push on without him by my side? If he is ready to pull back, perhaps retire to an advisory position, what does that mean for us? Can I go through the Stargate knowing that he�s waiting for me? Can he let me?

Questions! Sam�s mind screamed back at her. Her head began to pound dully and she massaged her temples, struggling to drive the tension to the back of her mind. How long should he have to wait to know where I stand? How long will he wait? She gasped softly, a tremor of fear passing through her. Would there come a time when Jack would move on? How would it feel when the door was finally irrevocably closed?

The last thought drove Sam to her feet with a sickening rush. With trembling hands she wrenched off her robe and pulled on her clothes from the previous evening before dashing out into the hallway. The air still smelled faintly of bitter sugar tainted smoke, mixed with pizza sauce. Feeling vaguely nauseous Sam strode through her dark house, gathering her keys and coat as she went. She pulled on her boots and stepped outside gasping as the cold air slammed her in the chest. Tears sprang to her eyes and she brushed them roughly away.

�Damn wind!� Sam muttered darkly.

What do I say?

Sam pushed the question to the back of her mind and brushed a shaking hand across her eyes as she backed from the driveway and onto the street. The colonel lived in a neighborhood similar to her own, across town. How ironic that we surround ourselves with families and yet we are alone, Sam thought sadly. She navigated the empty streets, driving faster than she should.

Am I running towards Jack or away from my own fears and insecurities? Sam could not be sure and the conflict ate at her.

The car rounded a bend in the road and Sam pounced on the brakes an involuntary shout escaping her lips. Parishioners attending midnight mass were scattered on the sidewalk and in the street. Dressed in their finest, they chatted and laughed in small groups, oblivious to the tumult of Sam�s troubled emotions, or the proximity of her vehicle. Taking several deep breaths to calm her frazzled nerves Sam eased forward, forcing herself to wave and smile politely at the well meaning people whom she passed.

Jack lived on a hill; his two-story home perched on a wooded lot with a large fenced backyard. Perfect for a family�Sam observed, not for the first time, as she pulled to a stop diagonally across from the colonel�s dark house.

His truck is missing�

Where is he?

Sam leaned back in her seat. Now that she was here, she felt an urgency to confront Jack, to finally speak her mind after a year of stolen glances and furtive touches. An eternity of standing close enough to feel the heat from his body and smell the scent that was uniquely his, leather and coffee and the faint spice of his aftershave�

But he wasn�t home.

He�s a grown man. He has a right to go out whenever he feels like it. �Sam shook her head struggling to accept the fact that Jack had chosen to celebrate the holiday without any of his friends�

Without her.

The growl of an approaching car caused Sam to slouch deeper into her seat. She wouldn�t embarrass Jack or herself by allowing him to see her. Hoping that he wouldn�t notice her vintage Porsche she peered over the edge of her door. Her eyes grew wide with shock when she discovered a taxi parked lengthwise across Jack�s driveway. The driver was waiting patiently while his passenger stumbled from the car and stood unsteadily in the snowy street.

Jack had his back to her. Slightly stooped and swaying, he fumbled with his wallet for a long moment before extracting a bill and passing it to the driver. The man nodded his thanks and wished Jack a muffled Merry Christmas before pulling away with a spit of slush and snow. The Colonel watched him go, clearly at a loss. His jacket was open and it billowed with the stiff breeze. He was so close Sam could see the ruddy color of his flushed cheeks in the glow of a nearby streetlight. He coughed thickly and rubbed tiredly at his neck before stumbling up his driveway and onto the porch. Sam winced and nearly bolted from her seat as he fell heavily on the wooden steps. In the dead silence of one-thirty am she heard him swear with the pain in his freshly bruised ribs. Climbing shakily to his feet, he felt above the door for his key and let himself in, slamming the door in his wake.

Sam sat for a long time. The cold seeped around the gaskets of her car doors chilling her until her fingers had gone numb. He doesn�t need you to watch over him, she reasoned with herself. Jack hadn�t turned on any lights doubtless he had simply fallen into bed, clothes and all. What would it be like to slip the worn leather jacket from his shoulders? Caress the taut muscles of his stomach and run her hands through the salt pepper hair on his chest�.

She bit her lip and rubbed her hands together trying to ward off a chill that was not entirely external. It wasn�t the first time she had entertained such thoughts, but it was the closest she had ever been to acting upon them. There was nothing to stop her from stepping through a single wooden door� nothing but years of service and devotion to a life that she could not bear to give up. Sam bowed her head. A feeling of defeat washed over her bringing with it a crushing numbness. When had a job become more important than happiness? When had happiness stopped being about her work and started being about the complex man who lay so close, but infinitely beyond her reach?

Sam straightened in her seat and looked at the dark house. There were any numbers of reasons why Jack had gone out. Speculating was pointless. With a sigh of resignation she started her car and pulled into Jack�s driveway to turn around. She sat for a moment, hoping for reasons she could not fathom that the throaty rumble of the Porsche would awaken him. But the house remained dark and she reluctantly backed into the empty street.

She drove home telling herself that tomorrow would be the day, that Christmas would bring them closure, or a new beginning. But as she dashed from her car and into the warmth and security of her house, Sam wasn�t sure which one she wanted.

******

Christmas morning was bright and clear. Sam sat on the couch sipping her second cup of coffee and only half watching the holiday parade on TV. The questions brought on by her late night excursion tumbled through her mind. She had spent many fruitless hours tossing and turning in bed before giving up and rising with the sun. As she watched the parade, she found herself nodding off, her body finally giving in despite the increasing clamor in her brain.

�This is ridiculous�� Sam put her coffee cup down with a thump. The liquid sloshed onto the magazines scattered across the coffee table. �Damn!�

You can�t think your way out of this. There is no logical equation to explain love.

When the hell had logic dictated matters of the heart?

The question flashed through her mind catching Sam off guard as she wiped up the spill. How many times have you run to the scientific, the linear, unalterable concepts of time and space to find your answers? She asked herself. Shaking her head Sam paced back to the kitchenette to rinse out her dishcloth before laying it across the sink. The answers aren�t there, they never have been. The answer to whether or not she had any future with Jack O�Neill rested squarely in her ability to confront the man and open up about her feelings.

Sam went back to the couch and flipped off the TV with a frustrated snap. It�s my move, she thought. She could feel the first faint tendrils of fear spreading from her stomach outwards until even her fingers had begun to tingle. Why can�t I deal with this? Do I have a hope in hell of sorting this out if I can�t even confront myself? Shaking her head she wandered down the hall to the bathroom.

She turned on the shower, adjusted it until it was as hot as she could stand and then stood motionless for a long time beneath the jets. The steady thrum of the water soothed her and for a brief moment conscious thought was driven back into a comforting haze.

Why does this have to be so hard, and hurt so much?

Sam scrubbed a tired hand across her face and leaned against the wall. She had never allowed herself time to grieve for the relationship that might have been�.

Why? Is it because I really haven�t given up?

Hope springs eternal Sam, she told her self and grimaced. Jack would love that�

What can I say? The question roared to the forefront of her mind. It repeated itself over and over dissipating the soothing warmth and chilling Sam until the water felt like ice pricking her skin until it was raw and wrinkled. Mechanically she shampooed her hair and lathered her body. The pastel swirls of bubbles drew her eyes to the drain. She watched fixated as they spun and popped before disappearing. So fragile she mused, perfect jewels but finite, once they�re gone they�re gone�

Shaking her head Sam rinsed off and climbed from the shower. The onslaught of fresh cool air from the fan caused her teeth to chatter painfully as she hurriedly dried off and struggled into her robe. Sam returned to her bedroom and stood in front of her closet chewing on her lower lip as she stared at the minimal choices that comprised her wardrobe. She felt suddenly giddy, as if making the decision had lifted a weight from her shoulders. The outcome of the ensuing conversation, at least for the moment, wasn�t nearly as important as finally choosing to move forward. Nerves will come later, Sam warned herself as she pushed hangers back and forth. Eventually she decided on a forest green angora sweater and a pair of black slacks accented with ankle boots and a simple gold pendant. When she had combed and blown dried her hair, she stood back and regarded her image with a worried frown.

What will he say?

The mirror of the query that had haunted Sam�s restless night now flashed like a neon sign in her mind�s eye. The promised nerves twisted her stomach into painful nauseating knots and she swallowed hard, her resolve dissolving like the suds on the floor of the shower stall.

There are no answers here, her mind silently raged. Stop stalling!

Sam shook her head and strode out of the bedroom and down the hallway. She walked into the living room and approached the Christmas tree with trepidation. The heavily laden branches of the fake fir shadowed a single present. A gift bag stuffed with midnight blue tissue. In the bottom rested the nondescript brown paper covered object Sam had purchased two nights before. Her present for the colonel, for �Jack.� She forced herself to say the name aloud. To make the gift as personal in her head as it was in her heart.

She reached down and picked up the bag. The gift felt solid and reassuring as she cradled it in her hands. Taking a deep breath Sam went to the hall closet and grabbed her coat from its hanger.

The sun was dazzling on the fresh clean snow and she stood blinking, waiting for her eyes to adjust before stepping off her stoop. The street was lined with cars as families gathered to celebrate the bounty of Christmas. Sam could hear the delighted sounds of children and she turned at the soft hiss of a sled on the snow. A neighbor gestured and called out. She grinned in response, the eager wave of the child on the sled bringing tears to her eyes. She let the moisture cling to her eyelashes and freeze to her cheeks, unwilling to wipe it away. Somehow it�s fitting, Sam thought as she pulled her car keys from her pocket and unlocked the car door. The neighbor continued down the sidewalk as she backed into the street and started across town for the second time in less than 12 hours.

The colonel�s house was much as it had appeared the night before. The only footprints leading to the front door were his and his truck was still conspicuously absent. Sam pulled into its usual spot and leaned back in her seat with a sigh. This is it, she thought. Fresh feelings of apprehension washed over her and she peered self-consciously in the mirror on the visor. Jesus Sam, he�s probably too hung over to notice what you look like! Shaking her head Sam grabbed the gift from the seat. She eased open the door and climbed from the vehicle. The dusting of snow on the asphalt was slick and Sam slid, falling heavily against her car.

�Damn! Is anything else going to go wrong?�

�Carter?�

Sam froze and turned carefully towards the front porch. Jack was watching her, his face as white as the snow. Dressed in a worn out sweatshirt and a pair of jeans he leaned against the door jam regarding her from behind dark glasses.

�Uh, Sir�� she stuttered. This wasn�t the way it was supposed to happen.

�Carter?� he repeated hoarsely and winced. �Jesus I hate hangovers��

Sam nodded, unwilling to let Jack know that she had seen his homecoming until she was on firmer ground, emotionally, and physically. They stared at each other in silence. The Colonel occasionally rubbed his bare feet against his legs or a hand across an obviously stiff neck, while she fidgeted with the zipper on her coat. Finally Sam could stand it no longer and she cautiously crossed the slippery driveway to stand at the edge of his lawn.

�Merry Christmas, Jack,� she murmured softly.

Her voice carried easily across the snow and Jack registered the use of his first name with a tilt of his head and a lift of his eyebrows. He said nothing for a long, teeth grinding moment and Sam bowed her head. Have I made a mistake?

�I told you, Carter. I don�t do Christmas.�

Sam�s head snapped up and she forced a nervous smile to her lips. �I know you did, but I do and we�I missed you last night.�

Jack removed his sunglasses. Wincing against the glare, he stared at her, his dark eyes unreadable. The silence, like the cold, seemed to penetrate after a long moment and he gestured at her to come up onto the porch and into the house.

Once inside the relative warmth of Jack�s entryway, Sam released a shuddering sigh and unzipped her coat. Jack did not notice her discomfort. He had proceeded into the kitchen where he was fiddling with the coffee filters. His fingers were as pasty as his face and they trembled slightly as he struggled to separate the gauzy paper.

�Here, let me help�� Sam offered hesitantly.

Jack looked up but said nothing as he stepped aside. With an inarticulate mumble he slid the coffee can across the counter to her and walked into the living room.

This isn�t going to be easy, she thought. But then why should it be? Nothing ever is when it comes to Jack, or me� She finished making the coffee and walked into the living room trying not to think about what she had to say. Now that Jack was right in front of her, she was at a loss. The words that tingled on the edge of her tongue felt wrong somehow, not worthy of the feelings that provoked them.

Jack had built a fire sometime before she arrived and he was standing in front of it. He did not turn as Sam entered the room and perched on the edge of the couch. She waited, too unsure of herself to speak. The tension in the room built until Sam could hear only the pounding of her heart and the rasp of her anxious breathing.

�Sam what are you doing here?� He whispered a tone of exhaustion and sadness underlying his words.

You�ve been alone with him a thousand times, Sam thought, this isn�t any different. But it was and she couldn�t lie to herself anymore. She had earned the truth and for better or worse so had Jack. She swallowed hard.

�Last night�it was fun but�we�I�� she faltered and took a steadying breath. �I missed you, you should have been there, Jack.�

�Why?�

Sam blinked, taken aback by the simple one word retort. Have I really been that successful at pretending to move on?

Jack had turned and was watching her. His arms hung loosely at his sides and his long elegant fingers were twitching slightly.

�Well?� he breathed.

�Well�what?� Sam shook her head and got to her feet. She paced the short distance to the French doors that opened onto the back deck. Snow glittered in storm driven patterns on the glass. Sam traced them with her fingers. The chill numbed her skin but she ignored it as she struggled to answer Jack�s question.

�You wouldn�t have wanted me there,� Jack murmured into the heavy silence that had fallen between them. �Not Christmas Eve of all days.�

�Why?�

�Because�holidays aren�t my thing. Not anymore.�

�Since Charlie?� Sam guessed in a gentle whisper.

Turn around and face him, her heart screamed. She could hear the hitch in his voice, the sorrow and longing for a time long repressed, but not forgotten. Can I stand the sight of Jack cowed by events he cannot change, by guilt that he has never been able to shed completely? Sam chewed her lip feeling like a coward.

�Yeah,� Jack affirmed quietly. He cleared his throat. �I stopped doing holidays after he�died. Sara wanted to put up a tree that year but�� Jack trailed off and Sam heard the creak of the floor as he walked from the room.

Sam stood before the window feeling torn by the urge to flee the house and act like nothing happened come January first, or to follow Jack up the stairs to whatever fate awaited them. Her heart quickly won out and as she walked across the living room to the staircase she had to admit that there had never been much of a contest. Regulations be dammed, she thought determinedly as she marched down the short hallway to Jack�s open bedroom door.

He was stretched out on the bed, lying on his stomach with his head cocked towards the doors, which led out onto the balcony. Sam could see the covered form of his telescope where it was attached to the rail and a pair of wooden chairs sparkling with an icy coating in the bright sunshine. She dropped her eyes to the still form lying on the rumpled bed. Jack�s head was resting on his folded arms, his hair sticking out at odd angles. She allowed her eyes to travel the length of his body, drinking in his lean muscular frame in a way she never dared before. She could feel her body responding to the visual caress and she swallowed loudly. Jack stirred and turned towards her, his face pale and drawn looking.

�Sam?�

She stepped cautiously into the room forcing her eyes to meet his curious gaze as she crossed the space between them and sat on the bed.

�I know you went out last night,�

Jack�s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Rolling onto his side he propped his head up on his arm.

�How did you know?�

�I saw you come home.�

He was so close she could feel the warmth from his body against her side.

�Last night� What were you doing here last night?�

�I wanted to talk to you then�but it didn�t seem like the right time.� She smiled slightly as he ducked his head in embarrassment.

�No, last night wouldn�t have been good,� he mumbled into his chest. �I gave the keys to the bar tender at O�Malley�s�

�They finally let you back in?� Sam teased and was rewarded with a chuckle.

�Yeah, as long as I promise not to toss anyone else through a window or a wall.�

The armband incident at O�Malley�s had earned the team a forced hiatus from the popular eatery. Sam had not been back and she doubted if Daniel had either, though the sensitive archeologist was rather pleased at the results of his newfound strength. Sam raised her eyes to the ceiling. The mission to destroy Apophis� ship opened the door for both of us�and I closed it. Regret washed over her. So much time wasted�

�Cassie and I were talking last night��

�And?� Jack prodded raising his head to stare expectantly at her.

�She said that I was blind, that I didn�t see what was right in front of me. That I didn�t see how much you cared about me.� The words tumbled out heedless of Sam�s insecurities.

Sam shifted until they were face to face, her eyes sought his, searching for some sign that she hadn�t made a fool of herself. Fear and a touch of hope mirrored back at her, the same emotions that tugged and twisted her stomach in knots every time they got too close.

�She�s right,� Jack whispered hesitantly. �I don�t know how, but she�s right.�

Sam nodded slightly, forcing herself to breathe. Perhaps it�s not too late for us!

�I don�t know how either, I thought we had been so careful.�

I was so careful I stopped seeing what is patently obvious to anyone who knows either of us, she thought bitterly.

�You should have been there last night. We�re your family, we love you.�

�We?� he repeated.

Sam swallowed hard and dropped her gaze to her folded hands. She squeezed them together until she felt the bones grinding painfully. Get a grip Sam!

�I�ve missed you. Ever since the Entity things haven�t been the same between us��

�Is that what you want? For things to be status quo?� Jack rolled abruptly away from her and jumped to his feet. �Whoa�� Ashen faced he sat back heavily on the bed and put his head between his knees. �Jesus why do I do that to myself?�

Sam waited, listening to Jack�s shallow rapid breathing and watching him massage his scalp with shaking fingers. She could hear her heart slamming in her chest in response to his outburst. Is that what I�m asking for, to go on living our lives in some hellish purgatory, so close and yet so far apart?

Eventually Jack raised his head and climbed slowly to his feet. He turned towards her his pale face etched with resignation and regret. �You died that day at my hand. When you came back to us it was probably the happiest day of my life. Then�I watched you pull away from me. I tried to give you space because I thought that was what you wanted but I couldn�t stop caring�I tried but I couldn�t. Sam I don�t think I can go back to the way things were before�and to be honest I don�t want to.�

He strode from the room without looking back.

What does that mean? She wanted to demand an answer but Jack was not going to make it easy. And why should he? She argued with herself, you haven�t given him any reason to cut you any slack. Sam sighed deeply and got to her feet. He�s waiting for you downstairs, what are you going to say? She wanted to stifle the inner voice, the mocking self righteous tone of her long denied subconscious, but the truth was too powerful and insistent to be pushed aside any longer.

Jack was lying on the couch with his feet towards the blazing fire when Sam entered the living room.

�I thought you�d gone home,� His face was hidden behind his arm, his words sounded muffled and strained.

�No, I wanted to talk some more if that�s okay��

�So talk.�

�What did you mean, upstairs?�

�You said you wanted to talk, not that you wanted me to talk,� Jack pointed out quietly.

She shook her head. Jack was totally justified in forcing her to speak but that didn�t make it any easier.

�I�m sorry.�

�For what?�

�For how I�ve treated you.�

Jack lowered his arm and shook his head. �You were no worse than I was. We�re adults, we know the score.�

�It doesn�t justify my behavior, please don�t make excuses for me.�

Jack nodded, his eyes drifted from her face towards the fire. The flames spat and crackled in the silence, somewhere a dog barked followed by the rumble of a passing truck. Sam leaned back in the worn armchair and gazed at the flames, unable to confront the pain in Jack�s eyes as she spoke the words that had been so long in coming.

�I thought that I was doing us a favor if I found someone else. I thought you would move on as well. I didn�t realize how much I was hurting you and myself.� She could feel his gaze resting on her cheek as she continued. �I didn�t realize how much I would miss you until you started to pull back. Suddenly there was a hole in my life��

�Welcome to my world,� Jack remarked dryly.

I deserved that, Sam thought with an inward wince. �The other day in the lab I was thinking about Mark��

�Your brother?�

�Yeah. He�s going skiing in Vermont for the holiday. I was planning on being with him and his family for Christmas.�

�Dad out of town?�

�Yes, he�s gone scouting for a new Tok�ra base��

�Oh, that�s right,� Jack rubbed tiredly at his face. �I remember now. Wonderful stuff beer.� He added dully.

She turned in her seat until they were face to face. Jack dropped his gaze to study his hands, which were folded across his chest.

�I wanted to spend the holiday with family, with people I love,� she murmured.

Jack�s brown eyes widened in response but he remained silent.

It�s out now, for better or worse, she thought to herself. Jack remained obstinately silent and after a long moment spent twisting the hem of her sweater Sam got to her feet. The present for Jack was lying beneath her coat in the entryway. She retrieved it and walked back into the living room.

�Penny for your thoughts?�

Jack had rolled on his side and tucked his chin into his chest. Is he sleeping? Sam thought, vaguely horrified. After a moment he stirred and looked at her. Sam gasped at the sadness she saw in his eyes. Kneeling down she placed a cautious hand on his folded arms.

�So�� She whispered softly.

Jack flinched and looked away. Sam bit her lip but she didn�t relinquish her hold on his arm. The skin was warm beneath her fingers. He trembled slightly at her touch and she momentarily increased the pressure, trying to reassure him as well as herself that the conversation wasn�t a dream. When he turned back to her his features were carefully schooled into a dispassionate mask.

�I couldn�t be there Sam, not yesterday of all days.�

�Jack, no matter what�s happened over the last five years I�ve always been there for you. You could have come to us. Why go through this alone?�

�Because it�s who I am,� he replied adamantly �I can�t change who I am for you or anyone else. I can�t change what happened to Charlie either��

Sam bowed her head. The raw emotions that flickered in his hooded gaze sent shivers up her spine. Jack�s inner pain was so close to the surface it filled the room, crowding at the warmth and cheer of the fire. She stroked his skin until the tremors died away beneath her fingers and waited, allowing him to regain a measure of control before looking up. He was gazing at her face, his eyes following the contour of her cheek, tracing the fullness of her lips. Sam felt the color rise in her cheeks but she did not look away when he spoke.

�I didn�t know how you felt��

�I�m sorry I�ve kept you in the dark for so long,� Sam sat back on her heels still holding lightly to his arm, unwilling to break the tenuous connection between them. �And I don�t want you to change, not for me or anyone else,� she added gently.

He offered her a pale smile in response.

�To be honest I�m surprised you waited for me,� Sam admitted cautiously. �I thought I had driven you away for sure,�

�I�m a patient man.�

Sam grinned at the irony of the statement. �I wouldn�t have blamed you really.�

He sat up sliding his arm through her fingers until he caught her hand in his palm. �I told you I�m a patient man. Some things are worth waiting for.�

Sam blushed at the intensity of his gaze. He cradled her hand in his softly stroking her palm. Tendrils of fire raced across her nerves and she swallowed hard.

�What�s in the bag?�

The spell was broken by his murmured question and Sam exhaled a shaky breath. �It�s a present, for you.�

His face lit up and he smiled broadly as he peered into the bag. Sam stifled a giggle as he carefully removed the tissue paper and pulled out the round lumpy object.

�This is�interesting.�

�Open it,� Sam urged, her own excitement matching the glint she saw in his eye.

He began to pick at the tape.

Sam groaned. �You�re kidding right? You must have been one of those kids at Christmas who folded your wrapping paper! Just open the damn thing!�

Jack�s smile grew even wider at her impatience. �As a matter of fact I was.� He admitted as he pried the tape free and pulled off the paper and bubble wrap. The rock beneath was gun metal gray and covered with lumps of black and brown on its rounded side. �What the hell�?�

�Turn it over,� Sam murmured. She climbed to her feet and sat on the couch. Jack�s thigh was warm against hers and she leaned on his shoulder liking the feel of his muscular arms beneath her cheek. He glanced sideways as she settled against him. His soft brown eyes roamed across her cheek before meeting hers. He held her gaze for a long moment before dropping his eyes to the rock cradled in his hands. He slowly turned it over, his eyes widening with surprise and pleasure.

The interior of the geode was a mass of pink and lavender crystals. Clear quartzite gleamed at its center, reflecting and refracting the brilliant colors. The minerals seemed to glow with a life of their own, winking and glinting shyly in the shafts of stray firelight.

�Sam, it�s unbelievable. I�ve never seen one like this.�

Sam opened her mouth, the urge to extol the virtues of the geode�s crystal structure was almost too powerful to ignore. Instead she sighed heavily and leaned back against the couch. You�re not that person today she admonished herself sharply. Jack hadn�t noticed her discomfort, and she was grateful. Her mind drifted back to the stormy evening two nights previous when she had braved the ice and snow to make the purchase.

At the shop there was a large bin of geodes most of them were still whole, buy at your own risk. She had considered purchasing one of them half the fun of such a gift was cracking it open for the first time. But the reasons behind the purchase drove her to further explore the small shop. The more she had thought about the gift the more important it became to pick something as unique as the recipient. A reflection of how she perceived Jack O�Neill. A small display case beneath the counter had caught her eye. It was filled with a variety of minerals and stones, including three geodes of various sizes. The salesman had been very excited by her interest and had eagerly pulled out the largest of the three for her inspection. Sam had dismissed it out of hand. The minerals inside were dull browns and oranges, nothing passionate about their muted glow. She gestured to the smallest one and when the cashier placed it in her hand, Sam knew it was the one. Now as she sat watching Jack study her gift Sam felt a sense of contentment. If nothing else I�ve done this right, she mused with a soft smile.

�Thank you for this.�

�I�m glad you like it.�

�I�m sorry I don�t have something for you��

Sam sat up straighter and took the geode from his open palm. �I knew this was perfect the second I held it.� She looked into his warm brown eyes. �I wish I had been as sure about you and I.�

Jack shook his head. �There�s a lot standing in our way even now.�

�I know��

�Your career for one thing, and mine. � He grimaced.

�Jack?�

�Huh?� He took back the geode and sat back against the couch cushions, slowly turning the rock in his long elegant fingers. Caressing the edges of it, exploring the crevices with care less he dislodge even one of the crystals.

Sam smiled and settled against his shoulder, letting the warmth of him radiate through her body.

�It�s Christmas,� she murmured. �Let�s just enjoy today, now that we both know that there will be tomorrows.�

He leaned forward and carefully put the geode on the coffee table. At Sam�s nod he slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close against him.

�I�m not sure what today means for either of us.� He admitted softly as he kissed the top of her hair.

Sam inhaled the sharp scent of him, close against her skin. She could feel the steady reassuring beat of his heart beneath her fingers as she slowly rubbed his chest. The firelight played across his strong jaw, casting his face in shadow. She reached up and caressed his cheek and felt him smile against her fingers.

�I used to think that science was the only sure thing in life. That the laws that governed the universe were unalterable�but the Stargate proved me wrong. Maybe there are no absolutes��

�Oh I don�t know�� Jack rubbed her shoulder. �I think there�s at least one constant in the universe that we can depend on.�

�Like?� Sam prodded.

�The way we feel right here, right now.�

*THE*END*