It all happened so fast, and yet at the same time it all played out in slow motion, like some awful B-movie. He stood transfixed; the discharge reverberating in his ears, the flash floating through the air as though somehow suspended there, the dull thump of the blast hitting Sarah�s chest, and then the thud of her body impacting the floor, the ruby blood oozing onto the polished surface. And now, he looked down to see smoke rising from the staff weapon that he held in his trembling hands.

It seemed so surreal, but he found himself rushing to her side and falling to his knees. Putting his hand to her neck to check for a pulse, and then to the wound that he had caused. Her pulse was weak, barely perceptible. Her eyes flashed and Osiris was gone. All that remained was his beautiful Sarah, her pale blue eyes looking up at him. Her soft, lilting voice saying his name like a melody to an old English lullaby.

Daniel�

All the other sounds in the room faded away. It was as though they were frozen in time. He gently lifted her head into his hands and caressed her face, tenderly brushing the flowing blond curls away from her eyes.

�I�m so sorry, Sarah,� he whispered, his eyes brimming with tears.

�It�s alright, my darling, you had no other choice� I love you, Daniel.�

Before he could answer, she sighed one last breath as her eyes stared up at him, unblinking.

�I, I love you too.�

�No, this can�t be happening again,� he muttered to himself as the tears trailed down his face. He sat staring sightlessly, his mind�s eye searching inwardly for an event that had occurred in almost exactly the same way just four years ago. That too had played out in horrifying slow motion� Ammonet raising her hand to hold him in the clutches of her ribbon device, him trying to stop her, only that time he was unable to shoot her. Then Teal�c firing upon her with his staff weapon, Shar�e�s body falling to the ground, her eyes flashing before becoming her own again, whispering, �I love you, Dan-yel.�

�No, not again.�

Sam raced to Daniel�s side. She placed her hand on his shoulder, softly shaking him to bring him out of his daze.

�Are you okay, Daniel?� she asked.

�Yeah,� Daniel swallowed audibly and slowly nodded. �Yeah, I�m�I�m fine.�

Sam took Daniel�s arm and lifted him to a standing position. He remained rooted to the spot, staring at Sarah. She tugged at his arm to get him to move. �C�mon, Daniel. We have to go.�

�Okay� okay.� Daniel followed but he still remained dazed, frequently looking back at Sarah�s lifeless body and tripping over his own feet for a few steps before finally going with Sam.

�Dr. Jackson, Doctor Fraiser will see you now��

Daniel was grateful for the interruption. Too much time sitting offered too many opportunities for thinking of things that should best stay in the background for now.

After arriving back at the base, Janet conducted her requisite post-mission check-ups. Daniel sat quietly and complied obediently as she and her staff poked and prodded, drew blood work, and took X-rays. He realized he had been the only one to have escaped physical injury on the mission, but Janet still seemed overly cautious examining him. It had been that way after every mission since his descension. Sometimes they all still treated him as though he were going to break or die on them again, or something. Janet commented a few times that he seemed awfully quiet and kept asking if he was okay and did he want to talk about anything. With each inquiry Daniel smiled faintly and responded, �I�m fine.� The truth of the matter was, he just couldn�t bring himself to verbalize everything that had happened. Speaking would make it all too real, and he wasn�t quite ready to deal with that. Besides, even if he did want to talk, where would he begin?

After the examinations had been completed, Janet ordered all of them to go home and get some rest.

Rest? Yeah, right.

Daniel would have much preferred to remain on base and do some work. He was exhausted, but his eyes felt like the proverbial saucers. Leftover adrenaline from the mission, shock, he couldn�t be sure of the reason. Janet was insistent. She said she would be checking all of their offices to make sure they had left. Knowing the doctor, she would do just that, so he figured he�d better abide by her orders.

Daniel got in his car and somehow managed to make it home, stopping by the store first to pick up groceries that he didn�t really need. Upon arriving home, he took each item out of the bag carefully and systematically placed them in the cupboard one by one. That task complete, he sorted through his mail, examining and opening each piece with the utmost care. Maybe he�d catch up on his laundry, and while that was going, pick up his apartment Not that there was much to organize. Most of his possessions had been disposed of when they thought he was dead. While straightening up the few magazines on the coffee table, the bookshelf caught his eye. In the haste to set up this new apartment for him, whoever had put the books away had put them back haphazardly. Now would be as good a time as any to arrange the books in alphabetical order by author, or should that be by title? Oh well, he could begin with the authors, and then always rearrange them again later if he felt the need.

He tried to occupy his time with these menial tasks, anything to keep from thinking and feeling. This is what he always did after some painful event in his life. Just swallow hard, suck it up, and keep going.

Life goes on after all, right?

Daniel was beginning to think the night would never end. What else was there to do? His mission report, he could work on writing that. Focusing on work was a good thing, surely that would help pass some time. Although he wasn�t really looking forward to writing this particular one, the report had to be ready by the morning, anyway. Sitting down at his desk, he picked up pen and paper and began tapping the ballpoint on the wooden surface.

Where to begin?

The reports about archaeological findings and discoveries of new cultures were easy to write, but reports about the military types of missions didn�t come quite as naturally. Writing about this mission presented its own challenges. A logical place to start would be when Jacob had gotten him and Sam out of the cell after being captured by Osiris. Daniel reflected on what had transpired and took great care to include each detail he could remember. But once he got to the part where the System Lord found them in the hallway and struck Jack with the hand device, he stopped. Daniel felt a knot in his stomach. The words would not come.

Not quite ready to think about this, not yet.

He blew out a deep breath, pushed back the chair to get up, walked across the living room, and slumped onto the couch. The rest of the report would have to wait. It would be all right to finish it in the morning. His mind would be clearer after getting some rest.

Daniel looked up at the clock again. It now read 11:30, and he still wasn�t any closer to sleep. He turned on the television, hoping to find an old movie or some other program to lull him there. Every so often his eyes would drift over to his desk, knowing the mission report was still looming, but he couldn�t bring himself to write it.

He tossed and turned, wrapping and unwrapping himself in the couch blanket. Fluffing and re-fluffing the pillow from the bedroom. Two movies later, he glanced at the clock again. 3:20? How could it be 3:20 and he still wasn�t asleep? He desperately wanted, needed to sleep. His eyes strayed back to the bookshelf�

Why didn�t I think of this before?

Walking across the living room, Daniel pulled a book from the bookshelf, knowing exactly which author he wanted. He chose a book by Budge. Daniel had read his books and picked apart Budge�s theories so often, that now they were just plain boring. Surely the combination of the book and the infomercials that were the only thing left on T.V. would put him to sleep. It seemed to work fairly quickly. His eyes felt heavy, and he could feel his muscles start to relax�finally�.

It was dark. The air was filled with smoke from staff weapons, making it difficult to see, and the stench of fumes, burnt flesh, and dead bodies was almost suffocating. Everything had come to a standstill, if only for a moment before the sound of heavy booted footsteps headed their way. It was still so dark and then there she was, emerging from the shadows. Weapons fire began blasting from all sides, it was so hard to think. A flash of light and the hum, he knew that sound all too well; the thud, Jack�s body crashing into the wall. �Sarah!� From far away, he could hear Jack�s plea, �Daniel!� and he wanted to help, but he just couldn�t make himself fire the zat. Another flash, this one from a staff weapon, was heading straight toward him. From out of nowhere, Karen was flying through the air, pushing him out of the way. And then Sarah turned the hand device on Karen. He managed to somehow pick up a stray staff weapon. No! This can�t be happening! Suddenly, he was standing behind Sarah. Karen�s eyes were gaping at him, her look so piercing that he wanted to turn away, but he couldn�t tear his gaze from her. She was pleading with him, �I saved your life, Dr. Jackson�please, help me!� and he wanted, needed to help, but he couldn�t do it. All he could say was �I�m so sorry, I just can�t!� Then all of a sudden it was Sarah�s face appearing before him, just after firing the staff weapon upon her. She looked at him questioningly as she begged, �Why, Daniel? How could you do this to me?� His hands felt sticky and wet, and looking down he saw they were covered with her crimson blood. The next thing he knew, Jack was standing in front of him, pointing at Karen�s dead body and shouting, �How could you do that to her?�

N-O-O-O!!

Daniel awakened with a start and gasped for air. His t-shirt and hair were drenched with sweat, and his heart was pounding so hard that it hurt. He swore he could still smell the choking smoke of a fired staff weapon. He blinked his eyes and tried to shake the horrible thoughts out of his mind.

Taking a deep breath to try to compose himself, Daniel stumbled to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. Once it was ready, he poured a cup and grabbed a muffin from the package he had picked up at the store the night before. After taking a couple bites, he realized that he still wasn�t terribly hungry. Daniel tossed the muffin onto the plate and swallowed what was left of the coffee in his cup. Heading into the bathroom to shave and shower, he caught his reflection in the mirror. Bloodshot and deeply circled eyes looked back at him.

Jeez, I look about as bad as I feel.

He thought perhaps a nice hot shower would help him appear somewhat more presentable and revive him enough to be at least fairly coherent at the debriefing. A chill ran down Daniel�s back as it dawned on him�the mission report. He still had to finish writing that! Why couldn�t all of this just go away for a while? After showering and dressing, he walked out to the living room and attempted to complete the report. But the words still wouldn�t come. Nothing he could write would justify his actions, or lack thereof that caused Karen�s death. He angrily swiped the papers off the desk and headed out the door.

Daniel sat silently during the debriefing, clenching and unclenching his fist. He trained his gaze on Jack as he spoke, although he didn�t really see him. Focused on the voice as though somehow mesmerized by it, though not really hearing what was said. The older man seemed to be making a point of not looking at him, but it really didn�t matter. By concentrating on that voice, then he could block out his thoughts about the events that transpired on the ship. Jack�s words were nothing more than background noise, but Daniel�s attention was piqued when he heard him mention his and Karen�s name in the same breath.

��At that point, Sir, we had succeeded in disposing of most of the Jaffa. There was one left, though, who attempted to fire on Daniel before Lt. Col. Griffin pushed him out of the way. It was then that Osiris�� Jack stopped suddenly. �I can�t do this any more!�

What was going on? If anyone could hold things together, it was Jack, no matter how difficult the mission. He thought he heard General Hammond say something, but Daniel was too taken aback to hear the exact words. The next thing he knew, Jack was racing out of the room. Everyone sat stunned for several moments. General Hammond cleared his throat to break the silence. �Major Carter, would you please continue giving the rest of the report?� Daniel sat holding his breath in anticipation as Sam prepared to recount the events from where Jack had left off. She was visibly shaken, but continued on. �Of course, Sir. Well, Sir, everything was happening so fast. Before we knew it, Osiris struck Lt. Col. Griffin with the Goa�uld hand device, and before any of us had a chance to react��

�No, Sir,� Daniel interrupted, fixing his gaze directly at the General. �That�s not quite accurate. I had a chance to react, and I didn�t. I froze. What happened to Karen was my fault.�

�Dr. Jackson, those were extremely extenuating circumstances,� the General reassured. �You were put in a very difficult position, and I�m sure if any of us were in that same situation�well, what happened was certainly understandable.�

�Thank you, Sir,� Daniel replied softly. As supportive as General Hammond was trying to be, he couldn�t shake the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Sam relayed the rest of the rest of the mission report.

As the debriefing drew to a close, General Hammond informed the team that they would be on stand down for two weeks until everyone had sufficiently recovered from their injuries. The team filed out of the room in silence, but Daniel observed Sam making her way determinedly down the hallway. He knew where she was heading. He wished he could join her in going to Jack�s office to check on him, as they always did for each other when one of them was in trouble. But not this time. Daniel knew he was the last person Jack wanted to see at this point. Better to give the man some space.

Not knowing where else to go, Daniel made his way back to his office. Standing in the doorway, he spotted a pile of file folders strewn across his desk. They contained photographs of writings from an ancient temple that SG-12 had discovered on their mission to P3X-249 and needed to be translated. Another table was filled with artifacts SG-9 had brought back from P2Z-421 that needed to be studied and catalogued. Everything had been put on hold during Jonas�s rescue, and the work had piled up while he was gone.

The debriefing had conjured up memories of the mission and another healthy dose of guilt. Though it was a daunting task, Daniel welcomed the work as a way to occupy his time and his mind. Picking up each folder, he found himself staring into space, his mind wandering. Frustrated, he ended up tossing them onto his desk in disgust. Sitting in the silence of his office allowed his thoughts to stray to places he didn�t want them to go. He had to get out of there and get his mind on something else. It occurred to him suddenly that he hadn�t visited Jonas since their return. Helping someone else would be the ideal way to get his mind focused on something constructive.

Daniel stood hesitantly in the doorway of Jonas�s room in the Infirmary, shifting his weight on his feet and looking back and forth between the bed and the floor. Janet and a nurse were quietly conferring by the bed and the doctor was jotting notes in his chart. It had seemed like a good idea at the time to visit him, but now Daniel wasn�t so sure. Seeing the young man in restraints, along with all the other medical equipment surrounding him, brought back memories he thought he had long since buried. He was surprised at how uneasy it was making him feel. Apparently noticing his discomfort, Janet stopped what she was doing, walked toward him with her gentle smile, and touched him soothingly on his arm.

�Hi, Daniel. You doin� okay?� she inquired.

�Yeah, I�m fine. I just, um�came to check on Jonas. Jack said on the ship that since I�ve been through this same thing that maybe I could help him. Thought I�d give it another try.�

�It�s good that you came when you did.� Janet replied. �Teal�c�s been here for quite some time. I finally had to order him to leave and get some rest himself. Jonas could use the company.�

�I�m still not sure what I can do, though.�

�Well, Daniel,� Janet answered, �You probably don�t remember because you were pretty out of it at the time. When you were suffering from withdrawal from the sarcophagus, the rest of SG-1 sat by your side and talked to you. Trying to help you through.

�Yes, I do vaguely remember that, and it did help to know they were there.�

�Then I�m sure that would help Jonas too. Let me know if he needs anything.�

Daniel watched Janet walk out the door before taking his spot on the stool next to the bed. �Hey, Jonas, it�s me, Daniel,� he smiled.

�No!� The younger man stirred restlessly in the bed. �You�re just another illusion trying to get me to tell the Pellans what they want to know, but it�s not going to work!�

�Everything�s going to be all right,� Daniel comforted.

�Please help me!� Jonas whispered. �They�re coming any minute to beat me again�I can�t stand it anymore!�

Daniel took Jonas�s shoulder, trying to reassure him. �No one�s coming, you�re safe.�

It continued for several hours�Jonas alternated between struggling against the restraints, his eyes wide with fear, or lying silently and staring blankly into space. Daniel did his best to console the young man. Wiping the sweat off his face with a cool cloth, clutching his shoulder and speaking soothingly, trying to set his mind at ease. As difficult as it was to see the Kelownan in this condition, it felt good to be able to focus on helping someone. Daniel realized as Janet returned to the bedside that he actually hadn�t thought of the mission or the debriefing for almost the entire time he had been sitting there.

�It�s time for another dose of sedative,� the doctor stated

�Good, he could really use it about now,� Daniel affirmed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. �It�s really tough seeing him like this. It�s bad enough that he�s having to withdraw from the effects of the sarcophagus, but having to deal with what the Pellans did to him as well, that�s just too much for anyone to have to go through��

Daniel felt a hand on his shoulder. �That is true, DanielJackson, but JonasQuinn is strong. I have every confidence that he can overcome this ordeal.� Daniel was surprised to see Teal�c standing next to him. Hearing his deep, but comforting voice made him believe in the young man�s recovery. �I will sit with JonasQuinn now.�

�Nooo, I don�t think so,� Janet interceded in her most positive, but firm voice. �You�ve both put in a lot of time here today. Since I just gave Jonas a sedative, he�s going to be out for awhile, so why don�t the two of you just skeedadle?� She waved her hands to shoo them away.

The doctor must have seen something she didn�t like, because Daniel noticed her squinting her eyes and looking at him rather intently. �Daniel?� Her voice rose as she said his name, as though she was trying to sound cheerful, but was clearly not happy. �When was the last time you ate?�

�Um�let�s see.. He briefly paused, looking up at the ceiling to retrieve the memory. �It was this morning. Yeah, I had some coffee and part of a muffin.� He felt quite proud of himself for being able to have a ready response.

�No, I mean a good meal,� Janet countered.

�Oh�I don�t know, I don�t really remember.�

�Okay, well that does it!� she declared. �You will now be heading to the commissary to get a nice, hot meal.�

�But I�m not really hun��

�Ah, ah!� Janet interrupted, putting her finger up to ward off Daniel�s protest. �No arguments! Teal�c, would you please go with him and make sure he eats something? I�m counting on you.�

If Daniel had learned anything during his time at the SGC, it was that you didn�t cross Janet Fraiser when she gave an order. �All right, all right.� Daniel had to laugh. �I give up! C�mon Teal�c, let�s go grab a bite and talk for a bit.�

The lunchtime crowd had long since dissipated, and it wasn�t quite time for supper yet. However, the cooks at the SGC always kept some food on hand for the latecomers whose shifts had run over, or for SG teams who had just returned. Once Daniel smelled the food, the queasiness that had abated during his time with Jonas returned. But for Janet and Teal�c�s benefits, he would at least order and attempt to eat something. He finally settled on the roast beef and gravy with a helping of mashed potatoes and peas on the side, and a cup of coffee to wash it down. He wrinkled his nose and grimaced as the SGC server plopped the food that he really didn�t want onto his plate. The queasiness was quickly threatening to become nausea as he and Teal�c took their seats.

Daniel thought he could distract Teal�c from the fact that he wasn�t going to be eating very much by engaging him in conversation. �So, Teal�c, � he began. � How are you feeling?�

�The Tretonin is helping me recover from my physical injuries quite effectively.�

�Good, how about mentally? You�ve been through quite a tough time yourself.�

�Jaffa warriors are taught very early how to remain strong in the face of mental torture,� Teal�c explained matter of factly. �I will be fine.�

�Well good, I�m glad to hear that.�

�And what of you, DanielJackson? You have been uncharacteristically quiet.�

�For a change, huh?� Daniel smiled. He stirred his mashed potatoes around and took a mouthful, trying to make Teal�c think he was actually going to eat.

�You have not seemed yourself since our rescue mission. I mentioned this to Colonel O�Neill aboard the Scout ship.�

�Yeah, and I heard him say he really didn�t give a damn.� Daniel shifted in his seat and stirred his peas and mashed potatoes together. �But I don�t blame him, Teal�c. He�d just lost someone very close to him, and I was the cause of that. He had every right to be upset with me.�

�Did you not also lose someone close to you?�

Daniel gulped, trying to swallow back the bile that was rising in his throat. �Yes, yes I did.� He sighed deeply. �Teal�c, can we change the subject, please? I really don�t want to talk about this anymore.�

�Of course, DanielJackson,� Teal�c answered quietly.

Daniel once again tried to shift the focus. �So Teal�c, what are you going to be doing with your time while we�re on stand down?�

�I believe I will visit Ry�ac and Master Bra�tac,� Teal�c smiled.

Daniel sipped his coffee and smiled in return. �I should have known that.�

�And you, DanielJackson?�

�Oh, I�ve got mounds of work. I�ve gotten a bit behind, and this will give me a good opportunity to get caught up.� Daniel noticed Teal�c looking disapprovingly at his plate.

�You have not eaten, DanielJackson. Doctor Fraiser entrusted me to make sure that you did.�

�Aw, come on, Teal�c. Can�t this be our little secret, just this once?� Daniel raised his eyebrows and looked at Teal�c with the most earnest look he could invoke. �I�ll eat more later when I�m hungry, okay?�

After considering for a long moment, Teal�c conceded. �All right, DanielJackson, I will hold you to that.�

�Thanks, Teal�c, I owe you one.�

�I shall hold you to that as well.� Teal�c got up from his seat and bowed slightly toward Daniel. �I will now return to sit with JonasQuinn.�

�That will be good, Teal�c. I�ve noticed that you two have forged quite a strong friendship in the time I was gone. Even though it doesn�t seem like it, I�m sure he knows you�re there and your presence is a comfort to him.�

�I hope you are correct,� Teal�c replied.

Daniel rose from his seat as well and dumped his tray. �I think I�ll head back and get a start on some of that work I have waiting for me. Will you be going to Karen�s funeral tomorrow?�

�No, I do not think so. My injuries would be difficult to explain, and I do not wish to upset Lieutenant Colonel Griffin�s family any further,� Teal�c explained.

�I see. Well, I guess I�ll be seeing you around, then. Take care of yourself, Teal�c.�

�And you as well, Daniel Jackson.�

He stood outside doorway to his office once again, biting his lip and furrowing his brow. As Daniel peered inside, his eyes rested on the translations he had left on the desk. What before seemed to offer a reprieve from his thoughts was now almost like an albatross. He knew that if he sat down in the solitude and stillness of the office, the thoughts and feelings that had been lurking just below the surface would return full force. His eyes drifted over to the table with the artifacts.

Maybe if I can just keep busy�

If he could take hold of something tangible, feel something in his hands instead of just sitting at his desk, it would be enough to keep his mind from straying to the places he didn�t want it to go right now. He picked up the first artifact from the table and the file folder with the accompanying information that SG-9 had noted thus far�

�These pain sticks were found in the cell where Colonel O�Neill and Jonas Quinn were held prisoner by Osiris��

Osiris�Of course that would have to be the first file I just happen to look at�

As Daniel stared at the object, he saw Sarah�s face smiling back at him. His thoughts traveled to happier times. The two of them strolling hand in hand around the campus of the university, getting lost in each other�s eyes while they leaned over a display of artifacts they were supposed to be studying. The melodic way she said his name, her infectious laugh whenever they made a new discovery. The gentle way she touched his face with the back of her hand, the floral scent of her perfume, the passionate love they made in his university office after everyone had gone home�

Her body crumpling onto the floor as he fired the staff weapon upon her.

Daniel jumped and almost dropped the pain stick as he heard a soft rap on his door. He exhaled and shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts out of his mind.

Sam poked her head into the doorway �Hey, Daniel, sorry to interrupt,� she apologized.

�That�s O.K., just trying to get some work done.�

�You looked kind of deep in thought there, you okay?�

�Yeah, I was,� Daniel replied, though not offering where his thoughts had just taken him. �So, what�s up?�

Sam stepped in a little further. �I was just wondering if you�d like to head over to O�Malley�s with me to get a bite to eat?�

Sam was trying to appear cheerful, but her voice quivered and her eyes were slightly red. �Sam, what�s wrong?� he queried.

�Nothing�s wrong. What�s wrong with one friend asking another friend for dinner?� she countered.

�Well, nothing, except that said friend doesn�t usually stand there with red eyes, that�s all. What�s going on?�

�I don�t really want to talk about it right now, but maybe at dinner, okay? So, will you join me?�

Yes! Getting away from the reminders of what had happened, a noisy crowd instead of a silent office or apartment, a chance to help Sam with whatever was troubling her�

�Sure, I�d love to join you,� Daniel replied. �When do you want to go?�

�How �bout I meet you there in about an hour? That will give us a chance to finish up what we�re doing and change.�

O�Malley�s was a bit busier than expected for a Thursday night. The usual mix of regulars was there. The locals who hung out for their nightly rounds of supper, beer, and pool. Some businessmen stopping by on their way home to relieve the pressures of the day. The sign outside welcomed others to some sort of convention in town, although he didn�t pay much attention to what is was. The crowd and the country-rock music playing in the background provided the perfect escape. Although it was crowded, Sam and Daniel had no trouble in finding a seat.

A smiling, young waitress promptly greeted them. �Can I get you folks something to drink?�

�Yes, two beers, whatever you have on tap, please,� Daniel responded. �First round�s on me, Sam. You can get the next ones.�

�Sure thing!� the waitress exclaimed. �Why don�t you take a look at the menu, and I�ll be right back with your drinks.� She winked at Daniel and spun happily on her heel.

�I think you have an admirer there, Daniel,� Sam laughed.

�Yeah, yeah, yeah,� Daniel rolled his eyes and grinned shyly. He grabbed the menus from their holder on the table and handed one to Sam. �Look at your menu.�

They both sat in momentary silence, perusing the menus. Finally, Sam peeked over hers at Daniel.

�What are you gonna get, Daniel?�

�I don�t know, what are you getting?�

The waitress, who had returned with the drinks in record time, interrupted the short discussion. �Are you ready to order?� She smiled sweetly at Daniel once again.

�Sam, why don�t you go ahead?�

�Hmmm�� she hesitated. �You know, I�m not really very hungry after all. I think I�ll just get whatever your Soup of the Day is, and a side salad with Ranch Dressing.

�Me either,� Daniel added. �That sounds good. I�ll have the same.�

As the waitress left to place the orders, Daniel picked up his glass of beer and cradled it in his hands. �Remember that time a few years ago when Anise wanted us to test those armbands, and we were so hungry that we ordered four steaks apiece?� he asked, chuckling at the memory.

�Yeah, we totally surprised the waitress, didn�t we? I remember Colonel O�Neill�.� Sam�s voice trailed off and she looked down, but Daniel could see the hint of tears brimming in her eyes

�So, that�s what�s bothering you. Something happened with Jack when you went to see him earlier, didn�t it?�

�Yes it did.� Sam nodded, and then looked up quizzically at Daniel. �But how did you know I went to see him?�

�Just a hunch,� he offered with a half smile, tilting his head slightly. �You want to tell me what happened?�

�To be honest with you, I�m not really sure myself. I went to check on the Colonel to make sure he was okay after the debriefing, and he just shut me out. In fact, he was being very hostile. He was really angry with me.�

Daniel reached across the table, taking hold of Sam�s hand. �You know, he probably wasn�t even mad at you. He was probably still upset about everything that happened on the mission and losing Karen, and he just didn�t know how to say it, or maybe he wasn�t ready to talk about it yet.�

�No, Daniel,� Sam countered, shaking her head and pulling her hand away. �It was more than that.�

�What do you mean?�

�Well, before we left on our mission, Colonel O�Neill and I spent some time together.

�Yes, I know.�

She looked at him inquisitively. �How?�

�I spoke to Jack before the mission�but��

�He tried to reach out to me, and I pushed him away.�

�Why?�

Sam closed her eyes, sighed, and shook her head again. �I don�t know. I�m afraid, I guess.�

Daniel scowled in puzzlement. �Afraid of what?�

�My feelings. I don�t know what he wants from me.� Sam bit her lip and furrowed her brow. Daniel could see the frustration and confusion in her eyes.

�What do you want?�

�I�m not sure. I don�t know what to do with these feelings I have. I mean, if I, we, give in to those emotions, there will be no turning back. We�re both in the military, Daniel, and there are regulations against having a relationship. I can�t risk everything I�ve worked for.�

�Yes, that is a problem.� Daniel sighed and nodded in acknowledgement. �Why don�t you give both of you a couple days to sort everything out? Maybe by then Jack will have dealt with things, and you�ll both be ready to discuss where the two of you go from here. You have to talk about this.�

�Maybe you�re right. Speaking of talking, have you spoken with the Colonel since we�ve gotten back?�

Daniel�s eyes widened as he stared blankly out the window, hearing Jack and Teal�c�s conversation aboard the Scout ship echoing in his head�

�DanielJackson does not appear to be himself.�

�I don�t give a damn to tell you the truth!�

The lingering knot in his stomach twisted tighter. Sam waved her hand in front of his face. �Daniel?�

He squinted his eyes and scowled. �What?� he answered feebly

�I asked you if you�ve spoken with Colonel O�Neill since we got back.�

�No�I don�t think that�s such a good idea right now.� Daniel took a large swallow of his beer and gazed back out the window, trying to concentrate on the music and voices in the background.

Sam patted his arm. �You know, Daniel, you�ve been through quite a bit yourself the past few days. Do you want to talk about anything?�

Nope, not going there. I came here to forget�.

�No thanks, Sam. I�m okay, really. � He smiled, trying to convince Sam, and himself, that he was doing fine, just fine. Mercifully, the waitress returned with their food before Sam could pursue the matter any further.

Yes, he came here to forget, and Daniel was going to make sure that was exactly what happened. He always enjoyed talking with Sam. But he knew the subjects that meant the most to her, and used that knowledge to engage her in conversation. Anything to keep his inner demons at bay for just a little while longer. Her bright, blue eyes shone with excitement. She talked about everything from her niece�s school play, to the improvements she had made on her motorcycle, to her latest projects at the SGC. Daniel felt he had succeeded; they both had managed keep their minds off the things they were trying to forget

�So Daniel,� Sam interjected, her eyes smiling, �now that I�ve managed to monopolize the whole conversation, what�s going on with you? What will you be doing with your time off?�

�Catching up on work, mostly.�

�Besides that, I mean.�

�I�m not sure.� Daniel shrugged. �I haven�t thought about it, really.�

�Oh.�

The silence hung between them for what seemed like an eternity before the waitress returned to their table.

Thank God for that waitress. Her timing is impeccable�

She had returned a few times during their meal, looking more dejected with each visit.

�You folks sure everything was okay? You�ve both hardly touched your food.�

�Yes, it was fine, thanks. I guess we just weren�t that hungry after all,� Sam reassured. �We will take another round of beers, though. Remember, these are on my tab this time.�

�Yes, ma�am!� The waitress�s smile returned. As she walked briskly away, Daniel noticed Sam peering over his shoulder.

�Hey, Daniel, no one�s at the pool table. Wanna play?� she winked.

His eyes brightened.

Perfect! Now he wouldn�t be stuck trying to think of conversation. �Sure, but only if you give me a few pointers first. As I seem to recall, you�re somewhat of a pro.�

�Not exactly, but okay, you�re on!� she replied, laughing.

Looking at them, no one would have guessed the anguish they were hiding. They were having such a good time that Sam was shocked when she glanced at her watch after finishing a game and noticed the late hour. �Daniel, it�s getting awfully late, and we have a big day ahead tomorrow. We probably should be going.�

Daniel knew exactly what she meant. Karen�s funeral was tomorrow. �Yeah, I guess we should get going.�

They put the pool sticks away, paid the bar tab, and headed out the door. As they stood outside, Sam reached over and took hold of Daniel�s arm. �Thanks for coming with me tonight and thanks for listening earlier. If I�d have had to go home and spend all that time alone��

�I know,� Daniel smiled in understanding.

�See you tomorrow,� Sam called and waved as Daniel watched her get into her car.

�Yeah, tomorrow,� he muttered wistfully.

It had been such a long day, a long past few days, actually. Daniel felt certain that this night would bring the sleep he so desperately sought. But lying in bed, he found himself in the same predicament as the night before. Eyes wide open and checking the clock every few minutes to see how much time had passed. Unable to lay in bed any longer, Daniel sat on the edge of the mattress and swung his legs. He finally got up, paced around the bedroom, and looked out the window. Watching the occasional car pass by on the street below.

Maybe he just needed to unwind from the evening at O�Malley�s.

Daniel headed back out to the living room to follow the previous night�s routine, hoping to find another old movie or some program to hold his interest until he felt tired enough to sleep. He sank onto the couch and picked up the remote, switched on the T.V., and began flipping through the channels�

The AKC Dog Show Championships, nope, click; a 1930�s musical, nope, click; a late night talk show with people from a television program he was never home to watch, nope, click; a sci-fi movie with the main characters fighting their way through a battle with aliens, definitely not, click. And then, something caught his attention. He leaned toward the television, took off his glasses, and rubbed his eyes in disbelief. Unnerved, his hands began to shake and he dropped the remote onto the floor. It was an infomercial for a new, revolutionary type of cookware.

Oh my God, it couldn�t be�

The girl pitching the cookware was almost a dead ringer for Karen�tall, long, shiny brunette hair, piercing blue eyes. Daniel snatched the remote from the floor, swiftly turned the T.V. off, and slammed the control onto the coffee table. There was no escape from it.

Suddenly, he found himself rehearsing what he would say to Karen�s family at the funeral. He�d know exactly who they were, too, because Karen had shown him pictures while on the long journey aboard the Scout ship to the Pellan home world. He could visualize the scene of going up to them after the service and introducing himself�

�Hello, I�m Daniel Jackson,� and he would extend his hand for a handshake. �I�m so sorry about Karen. I was with her on her last mission��

That�s as far as he could get. Daniel kept going over the scene in his head, trying to find just the right words to explain his actions, or more accurately, inaction. Unable to think any longer he was about to give up, when one last scenario came to mind. He pictured Jack stepping from the crowd of mourners, pointing a finger at him and shouting, �This is the coward who let Karen die!� Then Karen�s sister and grandmother looking at him with disgust and yelling,� Go away! Get out of here!�

Daniel grabbed his head and pressed hard, trying desperately to push the images out of his mind. He had to get some sleep. His eyes drifted to the kitchen, where a bottle stood alone on the counter. It was as though it had outstretched hands, beckoning him to come take hold of it. Janet had given him some pills to help ease the pain of the burns sustained in the mission to rescue Jack. Normally he wouldn�t have considered it, but he was desperate. When he had taken a dose before, it made him a bit sleepy. And now that he thought about it, his legs had been hurting a bit. Daniel picked up the bottle and read the label. .

Percodan�one to two tablets every 4 hours for pain.

It would be all right to take just one, wouldn�t it?

He downed the tablet with the recommended half glass of water and headed back to bed. After a short time, Daniel could feel the medication beginning to take effect�

She was so beautiful, dressed in a flowing white gown. Sarah always did look especially lovely in white. In fact, she looked absolutely luminescent as she stood in the lush, green field, her long blond locks caressing her shoulders and highlighting her angular face. Another figure, equally as radiant, stepped into view from the opposite direction. It was Sha�re. She was smiling that shy smile of hers, her eyes twinkling, and was dressed in her ceremonial Abydonian robes. He had missed her so much and it was wonderful to see her again. They both extended their hands, inviting him to walk with them. Sha�re took him gently by the arm. �Come, Dan-yel, walk with us.� �Yes, Daniel, please do join us.� Sarah handed him a large stick, he presumed for walking. �Here Daniel, you�ll need this when the hill becomes steep.� He accepted the staff, looking at Sarah in bewilderment. She grabbed hold of his other arm, and they began making their way slowly up the hill. Spending time with the both of them again was so comforting; he didn�t want it to end. As they reached the upward incline, another familiar voice was calling his name. He spun around to see Karen standing at the foot of the hill. �Hey, Doctor Jackson!� She was dressed in her fatigues, eagerly waving with her ever-ready grin. Sha�re and Sarah suddenly let go of his arms, and his eyes widened with concern. The women turned and nodded to each other, as though they were making some secret pact. Their eyes flashed, and their lips curled upward into wicked smiles. They raised their hands and growled in unison, �Now!� Beams of light flashed from their hands, and Karen screamed sickeningly as she was flung to the ground by the force of the combined hand devices. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, �No! Stop!� The walking staff had transformed into a Staff Weapon. His attention shifted back and forth between the two women and Karen. This was all so confusing. What was he supposed to do? He couldn�t shoot the two people who had meant the most to him in his life, but he couldn�t let Karen die either. He fired first upon Sarah and then Sha�re, the impact of the blasts hurling their bodies into the rocks that lined the path. In his moment of hesitation, it had become too late. Karen�s screams had faded away, and she lay with eyes frozen open, her mouth agape. He fell to his knees and pounded the ground�

NOOOOOO!!!

Daniel awoke on his knees, pounding the bed and gasping for breath. His throat was raw and his heart was racing. As he dropped onto the pillow, he felt dampness against his cheek.

Had he been crying in his sleep?

The nightmare had been so vivid that he lay paralyzed for a few moments. Looking at the clock, he hung his head and was filled with a sense of dread. It read 4:30 a.m. Five and a half more hours until Karen�s funeral

He made his way through the dark bedroom to the bathroom to splash water on his face, trying to calm himself. Without meaning to, Daniel caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and was startled by what he saw. The person looking back at him was hardly recognizable.

Was it just the lack of sleep that was changing his appearance, or was the unrelenting guilt finally altering him into someone he didn�t even know anymore?

I have to get out of here. But where should I go?

Although returning to the SGC would stir up memories of the mission, it seemed like the only logical place. Work had always provided some measure of comfort. Besides, at this early hour, perhaps the guards on duty would be too tired near the end of their shifts to notice his appearance or make the usual small talk. Maybe today would be the day he could tackle the translations of the writings SG-12 had brought back from their mission. No reminders there.

Daniel walked numbly toward the kitchen to put on his morning pot of coffee, but stopped in his tracks halfway there. Even the thought of coffee threatened to cause the nausea that had returned after the nightmare to come to fruition. Maybe later at work would be better. Turning, he headed back to the bathroom to get ready for the funeral. As he stood in front of the mirror to shave, he looked past his reflection, unable to even look at himself. Daniel swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut, once again trying to push the unwanted feelings away. He finished his shower and mindlessly reached into his closet for a suit to wear to the funeral.

He had timed it perfectly. When Daniel arrived at the SGC, the guards were changing shifts, and he snuck inconspicuously into his office. He sat down at his desk. With a sigh, he picked up and opened a folder. Instead of alien writings, it contained the unfinished mission report. Daniel slammed the folder back onto the desk and pushed the palms of his hands into his eyes. Glancing up at the wall, Daniel�s mind wandered back to the horrific events of the mission and the debriefing. He stared hypnotized at a blank space on the wall as though it were a movie screen. Watching events unfold over and over, until some noise would snap him into reality before it all started again.

A soft rap on the door interrupted his thoughts. Daniel jumped, startled by the intrusion.

��Hey Daniel,� Sam began. �Can I come in?�

�Yeah, sure.� Although he didn�t quite feel up to talking, he was in desperate need of the distraction.

�How are you doing?�

�I�m fine,� Daniel smiled weakly.

�Really?�

He looked up at Sam again and shook his head. �No, not really.�

�You look nice,� she smiled, obviously struggling to think of something to say to help lift his spirits.

�Thanks. The last time I wore this suit was to Professor Jordan�s funeral. Seems that�s the only time I wear it, to funerals�� His words trailed off as he turned away.

�Did you get any sleep?�

�Oh, on and off, I guess. Every time I fall asleep, I have nightmares and wake up again.� Daniel took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. �It just doesn�t stop, Sam. I can�t get these images out of my mind�doesn�t matter if I�m awake or asleep. Everything just keeps playing in my mind, like some video that keeps rewinding and replaying, over and over and over.�

Sam put her hand on his shoulder. �Daniel, do you want to talk about it?�

�What�s there to talk about? Two people are dead because of me, and I�ve probably lost the best friend I�ve ever had. That pretty much sums it up.�

Sam�s eyes filled with concern. �Do you think maybe you should talk with Doctor McKenzie?�

�Why? It�s not going to change anything,� Daniel muttered as he stared blankly into space.

�Well no, it�s not. .At least keep it in mind, OK?�

�Yeah.�

�I�ll see you in a little while, then. I�m heading out to the cemetery. The service begins in a little less than an hour.�

�Actually, I�ve been sitting here debating whether or not I should even go. I�m not sure Jack would want me there, and in light of what happened, I�m not sure I deserve to be there.�

Sam took hold of Daniel�s shoulders and directed his gaze toward her. �Daniel, you have every right to be there. Besides, we all need to be there to help Colonel O�Neill get through this whether he wants us there or not. And for us to get, pardon the clich�, a sense of closure to this whole mess.�

She was right. He still wasn�t fully convinced he deserved to be there, but Daniel knew had to go. If for nothing more than to show respect for Karen and her family, and to support Jack.

�I suppose you�re right.� he acquiesced and gave Sam another small smile.

�So, come on then.� She put her arm in his. �I don�t really don�t want to go by myself. Why don�t we go together?�

Daniel drove them to the cemetery. Sam said she would catch a ride back to the SGC with General Hammond after the service and small reception afterward. The drive to the cemetery was a quiet one. They passed the time making small talk, trying not to acknowledge their discomfort in attending the service, although both for different reasons. Daniel parked the car with the others along the roadside.

He felt the torrent of guilt rise as he saw the members of Karen�s family standing by the graveside. His reservations about attending returned when he noticed Jack standing with Karen�s family as he and Sam got out of the car.

�Sam, why don�t you go on ahead? I think I�ll just stand here during the service. I want to be here, but I don�t want to intrude on the family�s privacy either. Besides, I�m not too sure Jack would want to see me right now. I�d just be a reminder to him of everything that�s happened.�

Sam put her arm around his shoulder. �Are you sure, Daniel?� I�m sure Karen�s family would be comforted to have her friends surrounding them, and as for Colonel O�Neill��

�No, Sam, I really think it�s for the best. I�ll be fine, really. Looks like they�re getting ready to begin. You�d better make your way to the graveside.�

He heard General Hammond�s voice offering the standard words of supposed comfort, but Daniel knew they were so inadequate, and so untrue. Karen�s family would never know the real story of what had happened to her aboard Osiris� ship, but he knew all too well. As the General spoke, all he could picture in his mind was the sight of Karen thrown by the hand device and his inability to stop what was happening.

Daniel was startled back into the present by the grating sound of tires on gravel as an Air Force van pulled into view. He looked back toward the graveside. The gnawing knot in his stomach that just wouldn�t go away intensified as he gazed upon the grieving faces of Karen�s family and friends. They all stood so stoically, trying to put on such a brave front. How could he ever adequately explain what had happened? How could he make them understand? Would they ever be able to forgive him when he couldn�t even forgive himself? The guilt seemed to be mounting with each passing minute, and he began to wonder if he would ever get out from under the weight of it.

I knew I shouldn�t have come.

A figure dressed in black strode toward the headstone. Daniel dug his fingernails into his hands and gulped hard, trying to swallow the large lump that had formed in his throat.

�The Lord is my shepherd��

He tried to recite the verses he had first learned as a child at his parents� funeral, and heard again later at Professor Jordan�s, but the words just wouldn�t come out�

�The Lord is��

Professor Jordan�Sarah�

What about Sarah�s family? They didn�t even know she was dead. They must have been so worried these past three years, wondering where she had gone. Daniel knew they should be told, and that he should be the one to do it. Even though it had been so many years ago, he had met and gotten to know Sarah�s parents when they were together. It was something that needed to be done, if for nothing more than to give them peace of mind, but he just couldn�t think about that right now. How would he even begin, anyway?

�SQUAD READY!�

�AIM!�

�FIRE!�

Once�

Twice�

Three times�

�SQUAD RELENT!�

Daniel drew in a startled breath. He could feel each shot of the rifles resonate throughout his whole being. The sound of a lone trumpet mournfully playing the opening strains of Taps pierced the air, and the tears that had been threatening spilled down his face. He had done such a good job of containing the guilt and the memories of what had happened into the nether reaches of his mind. Pushing them away and filling his head with other thoughts whenever they would come too close. All of this was making everything just a little too real.

As the crowd dispersed, Daniel tried to make his way to speak to Karen�s family. But his feet felt as though they were cemented in place, his legs wouldn�t move. He fully intended to offer his condolences, try to explain what happened, but the words that usually came so easily seemed to be failing him now. Daniel stared at the pavement, trying to think of something, anything, to say, when he heard footsteps.

�What the hell are you doing here?�

Oh no.

He brushed the tears away, and took in a shaky breath.

This was not a conversation he wanted to have right now.

Daniel shifted his feet in the gravel. �I thought I should come��

�Why?� Jack demanded hotly.

Why?

He swallowed hard and glanced up hesitantly at Jack.

�Because I�I was there��

Jack growled an oath and pointed back towards the stone with one trembling hand. �Fat lot of good it did her or any of us!� You have no business here, leave.�

I know�

Jack wasn�t saying anything he hadn�t already thought himself, but Daniel felt the need to explain his presence further.

�I should pay my respects��

�No,� he denied in an icy whisper. �Go home, Daniel.�

�Jack��

Please let me try to explain�

�Honest to Christ, Daniel! If you don�t get the hell out of here��

�You�ll what?� he challenged quietly.

Where did that sudden spurt of bravado come from? Daniel knew that Jack was this close to hitting him, and actually a part of him wouldn�t have minded. He certainly deserved it, and maybe if Jack hit him it would make both of them feel better somehow.

Jack blinked, seemingly just as surprised as Daniel was by his bold remark.

�Go before I do something I may regret.�

�Is that even possible?�

Jack O�Neill never regretted anything in his life.

Daniel turned away, his hands raised in a gesture of surrender. There was nothing left to say. He got in his car and drove away.

Daniel had fully intended to go to the reception that Karen�s family was holding after the funeral, to try to say to them all the things he had wanted to say at the service, but couldn�t. During the drive to the outskirts of town where Karen�s sister Julie lived, the confrontation with Jack kept replaying in his mind. He didn�t think he could possibly be made to feel any worse, but the older man�s words and anger had managed to do just that. How could he face Karen�s family now? Daniel turned the car around. He needed to find a quiet place to clear his mind, to put some distance between himself and all the emotions the day�s events had stirred to life.

Daniel ended up at the Cheyenne Mountain State Park, hoping it would offer the solace he so desperately needed. He strolled around the grounds, trying to take in the beauty of the surroundings. The cloudless, azure blue sky, the majestic pines, and the gurgling streams provided the perfect balm for his aching soul. Daniel sat down on a bench and closed his eyes, soaking in the soothing warmth of the sun and letting it comfort him. The tightened muscles in his back and neck began to relax, and he felt his head drop slowly toward his chest.

POP! POP! POP!

What was that? Gunfire? Daniel was jolted awake by the sound. He had dozed off when he sat down to rest for a moment after his walk. Looking around nervously, he tried to locate the source of the noise. In the play area, a group of children were giggling as they popped balloons they had bought from the vendor in the park. The peace he had briefly achieved on his walk was shattered into a million pieces, just like Osiris�s ship when it exploded, the loud noise serving as yet another reminder�

�SQUAD READY!�

�AIM!�

�FIRE!�

Karen�s funeral, the argument with Jack�

Daniel decided at that moment that there was one thing left he had to do�he had to try to see his friend again. Perhaps it was a foolish idea in light of the earlier conflict at the funeral, but if he was to overcome this unrelenting guilt, he had to try one more time. Jack was the one person he needed to talk to, and the only person that he hadn�t been able to. Maybe if he could make Jack understand, make things right with his best friend and receive his forgiveness, then maybe, just maybe, he could begin to put this terrible experience behind him.

Daniel sat parked in Jack�s driveway for what seemed like hours. He spent the time reliving the events from Osiris�s ship, trying to think of how he could possibly explain his inaction to Jack. The sound of an accelerating engine shook him from his thoughts. Glancing in his rear view mirror, he spotted Jack�s truck speeding into the driveway.

I have to do this�.

The pickup came to a stop, and Daniel was filled with renewed determination. As he climbed from his car, Jack also got out of his vehicle, not acknowledging the younger man�s presence. Daniel followed him across the porch and into the dark entryway. Not waiting or asking for an invitation that would not be forthcoming. His heart was pounding so loudly that he thought certainly Jack could hear it. Instead, the older man headed for the kitchen, continuing to ignore Daniel as if he weren�t there.

Daniel waited by the fireplace with growing discomfort as Jack frantically unpacked his bags of groceries. He stood quietly, not wanting to talk until the older man was ready and risk upsetting him any more than he obviously was. Suddenly, Jack stopped his organization. He slowly approached the living room, holding a beer in his hand. The younger man squinted and bit his lip in anticipation of what his friend was going to say or do next.

�What the hell are you doing here?�

Daniel fidgeted, jingling the change in his pocket. �I�uh�I�m not sure really.�

Jack twisted off the cap of his beer and took a long, bracing swallow. �You�re not sure?�

�No�I�took a walk this afternoon. Needed to clear my head a bit about what happened earlier.�

�Which earlier?� he demanded levelly, as he walked around the edge of the bar and stepped into the living room.

�At the funeral,� Daniel clarified quietly.

�You had no right to be there, Daniel,� he bit out acerbically.

�You were going to hit me, weren�t you?�

Daniel said it, not because he was angry or terribly surprised by it, although perhaps he should have been. Just looking for confirmation of what he suspected to be true, saying it almost as a statement of fact.

�Yes I was�I still might if you don�t get on with it.�

Daniel nodded in reply. �I had to go, try and speak to the family�to you�about what happened.�

�Why? What the hell difference does it make?� Jack walked further into the room, directing his steps towards the back of the couch.

Is he trying to get away from me?

�I�m not sure what I wanted�� Daniel leaned on the mantel and stared into the dusty fireplace. He was fumbling for the right thing to say. It was true; he really didn�t know what he was looking for. Absolution, maybe? Finally, the words came tumbling out, without thought to how they would sound or what reaction they might provoke. �You have to know I didn�t mean for this to happen�I never thought��

�You never thought��

How could he explain? Jack wouldn�t even let him get the words out.

Jack shook his head and bit down hard on his lip. �You never do, Daniel. It�s come back to haunt us more times than I can count, but no more.�

�What?� Daniel asked in disbelief. What is he talking about?

He can�t mean what I think he means�.

�I�m going to recommend to Hammond that you be taken off field duty, permanently. No one else is going to��

�Jack, please. You can�t��

�I can�t? Daniel, do you understand how massively you fucked up? Don�t you get it yet? She�s DEAD for Christ sakes! There is no way you can change that.�

�I know��

�Do you now?� Daniel�s eyes widened as Jack drained the beer and threw the bottle into the fireplace, almost hitting him with it. He flinched, stepping hurriedly aside as the bottle whizzed past his hip and exploded in a shower of amber glass. �Do you really?�

�Yes, dammit! I would do anything to take that back��

�You can�t! She�s dead because you froze and why did you freeze�� Jack shook his head and leaned on the back of the couch. �You froze because you thought you could rescue Sarah. She was dead already! You put the retrieval of a dead woman above the safety of the living!�

�I didn�t��

�Yes you did!� He cut off the denial with a hoarse shout. �We depend on one another every time we go through that Gate. You could have killed Osiris, and Baal, and all the rest of those slimy bastards two years ago! But yet again, Daniel knows best. You didn�t, you let the bitch live! Why, because you thought you could save her!�

Maybe I still could have�

�You let them go and then Baal caught me and put me in that hell hole! You stood by and you watched and waited��

�I tried to help you��

Didn�t he realize there was only so much I could do?

Jack pushed on. �You stood by and watched me die how many times? Finally you had the balls to stand up to Oma, to try and rescue the Abydonians. What the hell good did it do? They�re all dead too!�

Why is he doing this to me?

Daniel�s chest tightened as he struggled for air, taking in short, gasping breaths and exhaling shakily. He clenched his fists in an effort to control the tremors that wracked his body. Everything Jack said was the truth, but with each indictment directed against him, the room closed in. Pressing harder and harder until he felt he would be crushed by it.

Jack growled his rage and spun away, burying his face in his fingers. �They�re dead and now Karen and Sarah are both dead. Only one died a long time ago, and the other should have lived long enough to become a spinster aunt.�

Oh God, please stop.

�Jack I��

The words tried to come out, anything to deflect this verbal assault. But they stuck in his throat. What could he say, really? Daniel felt like the room was suffocating him. He had to get to out of there. As he headed for the door he heard Jack add one more insult�

�You know what, who gives a damn? Screw you and the horse you rode in on Dr. Jackson. It�s not my problem anymore.�

What? What was that last comment supposed to mean? At that moment, he didn�t care. Everything else Jack had said was swirling around in his head like a maelstrom, and he didn�t have the ability to process that last little tidbit of information. Racing from the house, Daniel grabbed his stomach and doubled over as though wrenched with pain. It felt like Jack had just punched him with all his might and he couldn�t catch his breath. In fact, he wished the older man would have struck him. This attack was far more painful than any punch Jack could have leveled against him. Daniel ran to his car and slammed the door shut. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, trying to gather his composure before putting the car in reverse and speeding away.

Daniel mindlessly drove around the city for hours, not registering anything that he saw. The neon signs, the headlights of oncoming traffic, the lines in the road, were all a blur. He didn�t know, didn�t care how many red lights and stop signs he must have passed through. All he could see was the anger on Jack�s face, the fierce look in his eyes. All he could hear were Jack�s scathing remarks echoing repeatedly in his mind�

�Daniel, do you understand how massively you fucked up? Don�t you get it yet? She�s DEAD for Christ sakes! There is no way you can change that.�

�You froze because you thought you could rescue Sarah. She was dead already! You put the retrieval of a dead woman above the safety of the living!�

�You let them go and then Baal caught me and put me in that hell hole! You stood by and you watched and waited��

�They�re dead and now Karen and Sarah are both dead. Only one died a long time ago, and the other should have lived long enough to become a spinster aunt.�

Daniel somehow returned to the Cheyenne Mountain Complex. He would have driven through the security checkpoint at the entrance of the base, if not for the large gate blocking the access to it. Daniel put the car in park and stared straight ahead. The guard on duty pounded on the window and motioned for him put it down. Daniel complied, but continued staring dazedly forward, not hearing the guard as he called to him.

�Sir? Sir?�

Finally, the guard reached into the car and shook Daniel�s shoulder.

�Dr. Jackson?�

�What?� Daniel uttered feebly.

What did he want?

�Your ID badge, Sir?

�Oh�.yeah�..right.� Daniel�s eyes darted around the car as he tried to recall where he would find his ID badge.

�Probably in the pocket of your jacket, Sir, � the guard offered helpfully.

�Yes�right.� Daniel fumbled through his jacket. He pulled the badge from his pocket and handed it to the guard.

�Are you all right, Sir?�

Daniel nodded, almost imperceptibly. �Yes�I�m fine.�

By sheer force of habit he parked his car, placed his access card in all the right slots and greeted the guards stationed in the hallways with the perfunctory �Good mornings� just like he did every morning. Daniel was startled to find himself standing in his office, at a loss to recall how he arrived there.

He sat down at his desk and stared with glazed eyes at the wall, physically and emotionally exhausted. He hadn�t slept in four days. The lack of sleep, the memories, the guilt, and the nightmares were tormenting him. It was all getting to be more than he could handle. Daniel just wanted everything to stop. He rested his hand on his desk and made a fist, pressing his thumb along the inside of his bent forefinger and rubbing them together.

clickclickclickclick�

Again,

clickclick clickclick�

Daniel became mesmerized, fascinated with the sound. Finally, a distraction from his torturous thoughts, something else to focus on. He repeated the motion over and over. Discovering he could manipulate the number of clicks, the volume and the rhythm simply by increasing or decreasing the pressure and speed with which he pressed his fingers together. He could make clicks all in a row, or spread them out; long clicks or short, staccato clicks, loud or soft.

�Daniel!�

Sam�s voice sounded a million miles away. He was so captivated by his new discovery that he didn�t want to break his concentration�

Click clickclick click clickclickclick�

�Daniel, I�ve been trying to reach you since 7:00 last night! I finally gave up around midnight and went to bed, but I couldn�t sleep. I�ve been so worried about you! Where were you?� The alarm in her voice momentarily drew his attention.

�Driving� I was driving.� He continued looking ahead intently and rubbing his fingers

Click click click click

Now his head was nodding along with the rhythm of the sound.

�Driving? Where could you have been driving all that time? How long have you been here? It�s 4:00 in the morning!�

Rubbing, clickclickclick�click, nodding.

Daniel was enjoying this repetitive motion. It was rather comforting in its simplicity. But he could feel Sam staring at him, waiting for a response. He supposed he probably should answer her, so he scowled and squinted his eyes, struggling to recall where he had been� nothing came to mind. Daniel shrugged his shoulders and didn�t look up. �I don�t know. I don�t remember. I was just� driving.�

Click clickclickclickclick

Sam gave no reply and he continued to feel her eyes on him, as though she expected him to say something else. Daniel swore her stare was boring a hole right into the back of his head. He wished she would just go away, allowing him to continue with the task at hand. Maybe she�d leave if he told her what Jack had said.

�Went to Jack�s last night. He said he�s going to recommend I be taken off active field duty.�

�What?� Sam asked incredulously.

Clickclickclickclick

�Yeah�said something about it not being his problem, but he wasn�t going to risk my putting anyone else�s life at risk any more.�

Rub, click, nod, Rub, click clickclickclick, nod

�What?� she repeated.

Didn�t she hear me?

�Daniel, I don�t want to leave you alone, but I�ve got to go talk to Colonel O�Neill.�

�Yes, you do.�

She�s finally leaving!

Had Sam said something about someone coming to stay with him? It wasn�t important, really. The only thing that mattered was returning to the repetitive motion and the comfort it provided. He refocused on the movement of his fingers. Slipping easily into the escape once again.

How long had he been occupying himself with this diversion? It must have been quite awhile since the joints in his fingers were beginning to hurt. It didn�t matter; he was enjoying himself with this newfound entertainment. There was a minimum of thinking required. Deciding how fast or slow the clicks should be. Whether they should be loud or soft, or how many he wanted to make. He wasn�t going to stop now just for this minor inconvenience.

�Daniel? Daniel!� Janet was calling to him, but he didn�t want to be interrupted. Maybe if he didn�t answer, she would go away.

No such luck. Janet stood in front of him and leaned down. Lifting his chin toward her with one hand while holding his clicking hand with the other.

�Daniel, please stop what you�re doing and look at me!� she ordered The concern was evident in the doctor�s eyes. Daniel sighed deeply and stared at her, extremely annoyed at the intrusion.

Why won�t she just leave me alone?

�What?� he snapped.

�Well, I�m here to talk to you,� she replied. �Sam was very worried about you, and called the Infirmary. Dr. McKenzie isn�t here yet, and I was here early checking on a patient, so I thought I�d come down.�

�Oh. I�m fine, really. Can I please get back to what I was doing now?�

�In a minute, Daniel. I can see that you�re not fine. Please talk to me. I know you�re very upset, and I want to help.�

Janet had let go of his face, allowing him to resume staring at his desk. �You can�t help. Nobody can help,� he muttered.

�Why don�t you tell me what you�re feeling?�

�What I�m feeling?� he growled. �You want to know what I�m feeling?�

�Yes, Daniel.�

�I�ll tell you what I�m feeling,� he snarled through clenched teeth. �I�m feeling like everything that happened is my fault.�

�Daniel, what do you mean?�

�Everyone is either hurt or dead because of my actions, or lack of them. Now would you please just leave me alone?�

Daniel could feel Janet�s hand on his shoulder, as though she were trying to comfort him. He really didn�t want it there, but resisted the urge to shake it off.

Maybe if I just sit still a little longer, she�ll go.

�All right, Daniel, all right,� she said softly. She turned his face toward her again, removed his glasses, and looked in his eyes.

She�s still here!

�Daniel, when was the last time you slept?�

�I don�t know,� he shrugged. �A few days ago, maybe. Why?�

�You really need to talk with Dr. McKenzie about all of this, but he won�t be in for a while yet. It�s been too long since you�ve slept. You need to go home and get some rest. I�m going to prescribe something to help you sleep, on the condition that you come back here later to talk with him.�

That didn�t sound like such a bad idea. At least the part about the pills and sleeping. McKenzie, well that was another matter. Daniel really didn�t have any intention of talking to him, but he�d agree to about anything right now, just for a chance for some nightmare-free sleep.

�Okay.�

�Okay, good. I�ll be right back. Don�t go away.�

The echo of Janet�s heels clicking against the tile quickly faded down the hallway.

Finally, a couple minutes of peace.

Rub, click, nod. He began his routine again. It was interrupted all too soon as the sound of the petite doctor�s footsteps grew louder once again. Daniel looked up slowly to see her holding a small amber-colored bottle. Seeing the prospect of eventual reprieve from his thoughts and the very real possibility of sleep was enough to divert his attention.

�All right, Daniel, here you go,� Janet began.

He took the bottle and turned it over in his hands, admiring it like a precious treasure. The doctor began to deliver the instructions for taking the medication. Listening to the pills rattle around in the bottle seemed far more interesting.

Janet�s voice droned on in the background.

�Okay?� she asked.

�Okay.�

He hadn�t heard a word she said, but it seemed like an appropriate response.

Janet lifted Daniel by the arm to a standing position. He should have to be able to get up by himself, but doing so would require too much effort.

�Daniel, I don�t want you driving in your condition. I�m going to call for an airman to take you home.� The doctor took hold of his hand. �Now remember,� she added, �I want you back here early this afternoon to speak with Dr. McKenzie.�

He nodded slightly. �All right.�

Everything was going to be all right now.

From the moment Janet handed him the pill bottle, Daniel felt strangely calm. A peaceful sleep was just within his grasp. Relief, albeit temporary, from the memories and overwhelming guilt that plagued him. He ignored the airman�s efforts at small talk, silently staring out the window of the car. Preoccupied instead with envisioning the simple tasks he needed to accomplish in order to reach that moment.

Get on the elevator. Press the number 5. Get off the elevator. Remove keys from pants pocket. Turn the lock and open the door. Walk to the kitchen. Get a glass from the cupboard. Take the water out from the refrigerator. Fill the glass with water. Put the water away. Walk into the bedroom, change, and go to sleep.

Somehow visualizing the process provided a measure of comfort.

The bedroom was bathed in the first rays of the burgeoning Colorado sunrise. The muted hues would soon explode into full-blown brightness, not exactly conducive to sleep. Daniel stepped to the window and closed the blinds. Crossing the room, he grabbed a t-shirt and sweats from the dresser and changed his clothes. He sat on the bed and reached for the pill bottle, reading the directions that he had not heard Janet give.

Take one pill before bedtime.

Just one?

He shrugged his shoulders.

All right.

Daniel swallowed the pill. Pulling the blankets around him and waiting contentedly to drift off to sleep. It had been so long, he had almost forgotten what undisturbed sleep felt like.

Finally.

They all stood on the Peltak of the Scout ship, breathless from their narrow escape off the Mother ship. Everyone waited in silence for the inevitable to occur. Suddenly, a blinding flash filled the sky and the Scout ship rocked from the impact of the explosion. Rising above the chaos, two familiar voices cried out in desperation, �Please, help us Daniel!� It was Sarah and Karen. How could that be?

Then, in the blink of an eye, he was standing with Oma, looking down upon Abydos and Anubis as he prepared to execute his destruction.

�Please Oma, you have to stop him!�

She frowned and shook her head. �I tried to tell you what would happen if you interfered, Daniel. I�m so disappointed in you.�

All of a sudden, Jack stepped into view.

�I know, Oma, he always thinks he knows best,� he added, raising his hands in frustration.

�I�m so sorry! Please Oma, you can�t let this happen!�

His eyes grew wide in disbelief as Anubis�s skeletal hand reached to activate the weapon. The pyramid and all of Abydos and its people gone in a heartbeat. Sickening screams rose through the rubble and devastation�

�Please, Dan-yel, help us, help us!�

STOP!!!!!!

Daniel woke up screaming and panting from the horror of this latest nightmare. Once he regained his bearings, he slowly turned his head and spotted the pill bottle on the nightstand.

No more. This is going to stop.

The young man angrily snatched the bottle and emptied the remaining medication into his hand. Downing them with what was left of the now lukewarm water in the glass.

He fell back onto the bed and waited for the drugs to work. Finally, the medication began to have the desired effect. As his eyes dropped closed, one final thought passed through his mind.

I have to make this all go away�

It was huge. It should have crushed him, but somehow he was conscious and fully aware of everything going on around him. Sam and Teal�c were trying to help pull him out from under the massive weight, but to no avail. And then suddenly, the weight seemed to shift slightly. He was finally able to extricate himself from the boulder lying on top of him. Sam and Teal�c smiled broadly and patted him on the back. They pointed toward the mountain and he nodded in understanding. He knew what they meant, what he had to do.

There was a path that had been carved out around the outside of the mountain. The climb should have been an easy one and it would have been, except for one slight hindrance. In the distance, a multitude of people were sitting and standing along the path. Many stood at the bottom of the mountain, decreasing in number as he glanced toward the top. From this vantage point, their faces were indistinguishable.

Making his way closer, the faces of those at the base of the mountain came into focus. Several of the Abydonians he had grown so close to during his year on their planet were waiting for him. As he began to travel up the path, many of them grabbed onto his sleeves and pant legs, pleading softly, urgently . �Dan-yel, please stay, please help us!� He regretted having to leave them, but at the same time felt an inner calm. He shook his head, smiled, and continued along the path.

As he progressed further, the crowd thinned. Now, only a smattering of people remained. First, he saw Kasuf. The older man put an arm around his shoulder and gestured toward the ground, inviting him to sit down. �Good son, please stay and talk awhile.� Although wanting to remain, he once more indicated his refusal.

The next person he met was Ska�ara. He and Kasuf had been the only true family he had known since he was a child, and it was so difficult to decline this invitation as well. The desire to stay was great, but he had to go on. He patted Skaara gently on the shoulder and smiled sadly as he walked away.

His destination was within view, but he was growing so very tired. And then there she was�Sarah. A vision to behold, dressed in a flowing white gown that shone brilliantly in the sun. Sarah drew him into an embrace, her soft, soothing voice filling his ears� �Daniel.� She spoke the name so gently, his heart could have melted right there and then. His former lover always could get to him when she said his name that way. It was so tempting to stay. But only one more person remained between him and his goal. Softly brushing Sarah�s hair from her eyes, he tenderly lifted her hands away, smiled regretfully again�and left her standing there.

He was almost there, but the air was getting thinner, and it was becoming hard to breathe. He wasn�t sure he could make it. The last person stepped out onto the path and stood before him. It was Sha�re, his beautiful, beloved Sha�re. She ran her fingers through his hair, and he cupped her face in his hand before they kissed, lovingly and softly. �I love you, Dan-yel.� He spoke for the first time� �I love you, too.� Then, he nodded and smiled before pointing towards the peak of the mountain. Taking the final steps up the path, the journey was now complete.

The view was absolutely breathtaking. He could see for miles around. In the far distance, snow-tipped mountains glistened in the sunlight that was hovering just below the horizon. Pale pink and lavender clouds decorated the sky. They were so thin and delicate, it appeared as though someone had taken watercolors and painted them there. As the sun began to make its appearance, it illuminated the rolling hills of lush, green grass. The field was interspersed with Black-Eyed Susans, his mother�s favorite flower. Pine trees skirted the edge of the valley. The last remaining dewdrops shimmered in the sunlight as they hung precariously from the tips of the branches. Waiting to be nudged from their perches by the slight breeze rustling through his hair.

The air was so clear that he barely felt the need to breathe. Looking down, he saw the faces of those he had met along the path. They were all smiling back up at him. He had never felt so free, so at peace, not even when he had been Ascended.

The calm was abruptly interrupted by a voice shouting his name. �Daniel! Daniel!Daniel, wake up!� He scowled for a moment, feeling rather confused.

That�s odd, aren't I already awake?

He spun around to see Sam standing before him. The fear in her eyes unsettled him. As she shouted his name, she took him by the shoulders and began shaking him.

Why is she here? Why is she acting like this?

Just as suddenly as his friend had appeared, she was gone. Sam ran down the mountain as though having to be somewhere in a hurry. Her voice began to fade, but he could still hear bits and pieces of a conversation she was having with someone in the distance... �Please hurry! ...barely breathing...beating very slowly...I don�t know...bottle�s empty...please hurry!� Who is she talking about? Certainly not him. He had never felt better in his life. Sam promptly reappeared and began the whole routine again, this time slapping his face and shaking him harder than before.

Why is she behaving this way?

He stared at her questioningly before shrugging his shoulders and walking away. Needing to return to that peaceful place he had found before she interrupted him. He recovered a spot of quiet solitude, and the immediate feeling of tranquility was even better than before. His body felt so light and he was floating, higher and higher...

Gazing from this new vantage point, he saw a different scene than before. Sam was still there, but instead of standing on the mountain she was in his apartment, and so was he. He was still floating, yet he could look down and see his body lying on the bed. Tears were streaming down Sam�s face. She was pounding on his chest and breathing into his mouth in between sobs and shouts of �Come on, Daniel!�

Why is she doing that?

Medics rushed into the room.

What are they doing there?

The one who appeared to be in charge pushed Sam out of the way as he continued her ministrations.

�How long have you been administering CPR, ma�am?�

�I don�t know,� Sam cried. �He started having a seizure, and then he just stopped breathing!�

�How long ago was that, ma�am?� the medic pressed, his tone becoming more urgent.

�I told you, I don�t know!� she yelled �A couple minutes, maybe!�

The medics launched into a frantic discussion�

�I�m not getting any pulse!�

�He�s not breathing! Bag him until we can intubate!�

One medic ripped off his t-shirt while the other began hooking him up to a heart monitor.

�CPR�s not working, charge the paddles!�

Daniel continued watching with interest as his body rose and fell each time the paddles were applied to his chest.

�He�s going into v-fib!�

Hmmm.. This must be what it�s like to actually die. But this wasn�t supposed to happen...

Sam�s body shook with sobs. He hated seeing her like that. This new place was exactly what he had been searching for. Yet as terrible as he had felt before his journey, he wasn�t quite ready to die, not just yet.

He opened his eyes slowly and blinked hard. Trying to orient himself to his surroundings and bring the blurrier than usual world into focus. When his vision began to clear, it was so familiar...the sights, sounds, and smells he knew all too well from countless visits to this place. The gray walls with peeling paint, the beeping of a heart monitor and other various machines. The smell of antiseptic, IV bags hanging on poles, boxes of bandages neatly arranged in piles on shelves against the far wall.

As Daniel glanced to his left, he was surprised to discover that the IV tubing was attached to a needle stuck in his hand, and the heart monitor was beeping in rhythm with his own heartbeat. Not that he should be surprised. He had been through this scenario before. Turning his head slowly to the right, he noticed Sam sitting next to the bed with her head down and her eyes closed. What was going on? Just behind Sam was a machine pumping air. His eyes darted from the machine to his stomach. Daniel panicked when he realized that it was rising and falling in unison with the pump. He searched his still clouded mind, struggling to remember. What had happened to put him in this position? He had to know. A tube in his mouth that continued down his throat prevented him from communicating with Sam. He squeezed her hand as hard as he could.

Sam�s head jerked up and her eyes widened, apparently startled by the sudden and unexpected movement.

�Daniel? Oh my God, Daniel! You�re awake! Daniel, can you hear me?�

He nodded in affirmation.

�Daniel, I�ll be right back!� His friend raced out of the room calling, �Janet, Janet, he�s awake!�

Moments later, they returned, speaking in hushed tones.

�How long has he been awake?�

�I don�t know. All of a sudden, he was squeezing my hand.�

�Did you tell him what he did?�

What is she talking about?

The two women entered the room.

�Welcome back, Dr. Jackson,� the doctor began icily. Janet was not speaking in her usual comforting tone. Daniel was puzzled by the annoyance in her voice and appearance.

I wish they would just tell me what�s going on.

Sam took hold of his hand. �Daniel, do you remember what happened?�

He shook his head.

�You took an overdose of sleeping pills.� She pushed the hair back from his forehead reassuringly. �You tried to take your life.�

I did? No. No, I wouldn�t do that.

Daniel scowled and shook his head vehemently in protest.

�Yes you did, Daniel.� Janet retorted. �This little stunt took quite a toll on your respiratory system.� Her attitude softened slightly, although she was still clearly upset. �I�m going to leave you on the ventilator for another hour, just to make sure you�re able to breathe well enough on your own. I�ll be back to check on you then.�

�Yeah, Daniel. I think I�ll step out for a bit and grab a bite to eat,� Sam added. �I�ll be back in a little while, too.�

Daniel could overhear the beginning of the women�s conversation as they exited the room, shaking their heads.

�I still can�t believe he tried to kill himself. I mean, I knew he was in rough shape, but I just didn�t realize��

Sam�s voice trailed down the hallway.

Wait!

Daniel felt tired enough to sleep, but a throbbing headache and gnawing questions kept him awake. He closed his eyes and furrowed his brows, trying to recall the events that had led to this moment. Gradually, bits and pieces of memories came together�

I took one of the pills Janet gave me to help me sleep�it didn�t work�I had another nightmare and I woke up. I had to sleep, so I took more. They think I tried to�No, that�s not it!

After what seemed like mere minutes, Janet walked briskly into the room, followed by one of SGC nurses. �All right, Daniel, let�s listen to your breathing before we take you off the ventilator. I�m going to turn it off for just a moment. Breathe through your nose for a minute.� The doctor put a stethoscope to her patient�s chest. Satisfied, she continued clinically reciting the remaining instructions. Her tone was cold and detached.

�First, I�m going to pull the tape from your mouth. Then, on the count of three, I�m going to pull the tube out. When I do that, you need to exhale as hard as you can. It�s going to make you gag, and your throat is going to hurt for a couple days. Do you understand?�

Daniel blinked and nodded.

Janet carried out the procedure, and she was right. It made him gag, and it did hurt.

The young nurse, Glenda, put a straw to his mouth. He sipped the proffered water to soothe his raw throat.

� I�m leaving now. I have a patient to attend to who actually values his life,� the doctor snapped harshly. �I�ll be back to talk with you later.�

Janet spun on her heel and stormed out of the room.

�But�but�� Daniel coughed, trying to explain. She left before he could say any more.

He looked pleadingly at the nurse, who shrugged her shoulders and smiled hesitantly.

�Do you need anything else right now, Dr. Jackson?� she offered.

�No, thank you.�

�Okay, then, try to get some rest.�

As Glenda left the room, Sam peeked her head in the doorway and smiled.

�Hey, you! Janet said I could stop by and sit with you for a few minutes. Is that okay?�

Yes, please! I have to make someone understand what happened.

Daniel nodded and swallowed hard in an effort to speak. His friend sat down on the stool next to the bed. �So, how are you feeling?�

�Sam, I didn�t,� he began, his voice a hoarse whisper.

�Didn�t what?�

�I didn�t try to kill myself.�

�It kind of looked that way, Daniel.�

�Don�t you think if that�s what I had wanted to do, I would have been successful at it?� he countered.

�You almost were,� she replied softly. Sam looked down at her lap.

�Oh.�

But how could she think I would actually consider that?

�That�s not what I meant to happen, Sam,� Daniel insisted. He looked intently at her, his blue eyes begging for understanding. �You have to believe me!�

�Okay, Daniel, I believe you. But why don�t we talk more about this later. Janet really wanted you to rest for awhile.�

Daniel nodded and sighed in frustration.

�Dr. Jackson, I hate to wake you but��

Someone was gently tugging on his shoulder, trying to rouse him from unexpected sleep.Daniel hadn�t planned on dozing. He had closed his eyes and laid still in an effort to placate Janet and Sam. Resting was out of the question, however. There were more important things to attend to, like trying to figure how to make everyone understand that what happened was just a big mistake. Somewhere in the process, he had nodded off. Daniel peered out from half closed lids to see a lab technician standing over him, armed with a needle and vials to collect blood samples.

The young woman snapped on her gloves and took a rubber strap from the kit, securing it tightly around Daniel�s arm. He winced slightly as she slid the intrusive object beneath his skin. He had never had the stomach to watch his blood being drawn, and tried to redirect his attention. Searching the room for another place to focus, his gaze stopped abruptly at the door. Janet was standing in the entryway with her arms crossed, shooting an icy glare in his direction.

�Okay, Dr. Jackson, that should do it.�

�Are you sure?� he grimaced, imploring the young woman to stay.

Anything to postpone the inevitable.

The lab tech raised her brows in surprise, her green eyes twinkling. �I think that�s the first time I�ve ever had a patient ask me to draw more blood!� She chuckled and nodded her head as she gathered her equipment. �Yes, I�m sure, Dr. Jackson. Believe me, we�ll be back for plenty more later!�

Doctor Fraiser entered the room silently as the young woman exited, still laughing to herself. Though petite in stature, the doctor�s presence loomed large. Daniel glanced up hesitantly as she removed something from the pocket of her jacket. She handed him his glasses.

�Here, put these on, � the doctor ordered.

He scowled. �Why?�

�Because I said so, and there�s something I want you to read.�

�Okay,� he intoned. Realizing she was already angry, Daniel complied.

The doctor reached back into her pocket to take out another item. She produced a pill bottle, which she held in front of him.

�Read the label aloud, please,� she commanded sternly.

He sighed heavily. He knew where this conversation was heading. �Take one capsule before bedtime.�

�And what is the quantity listed on the bottle?� the doctor persisted.

Daniel felt his cheeks flush in frustration. �Look Janet, please don�t treat me like a child.�

�Answer me!�

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. �Three.�

�And how many are left in the bottle?�

�None.�

�Meaning you took how many?� The doctor�s voice rose with each question she posed.

�Well, the bottle�s empty, so I guess that would be three.�

Daniel jumped as Janet slammed the bottle down on the stand.

�Don�t get flip with me, Dr. Jackson! How dare you violate my trust!� she yelled. �As your doctor and your friend, I expect you to be responsible with the medications I give you!�

�I�m sorry.�

�You used pills that I gave you to try to take your life.� Janet�s voice quivered as she fought back tears. �How could you do that?�

Daniel struggled to find the right words to explain. �It�s just that�I took the medication just as you prescribed, but it didn�t work�I had another horrible nightmare and I woke up and I just had to make it all go away for a while, you know?�

�So you weren�t trying to take your life?�

�No, Janet.�

�Well, I�m very relieved to hear you say that, Daniel,� Janet touched his shoulder and smiled. �You had us so worried. Your condition was very critical for a while, and we didn�t know if you were going to pull through. You really are quite fortunate to have made it through this one.�

�I know. It was a stupid thing to do, and I�m really sorry.�

�I�m sure you are,� she reassured. �You�ll still need to talk to Dr. McKenzie, though.�

Great�

�Is he going to cart me back to Mental Health?� he quipped, only half in jest.

�In light of what you�ve just said, probably not. You�ll need to tell him everything you just told me.�

�Can�t you tell him?�

The doctor smiled again. �No, Daniel, he needs to hear it from you. But I�ve asked Dr. McKenzie to wait until tomorrow to come in so you can get some rest.�

As Janet left the room, Daniel blew out a deep breath to quell the queasiness he felt churning in his stomach. The psychiatrist was the last person he wanted to talk to. It was hard enough making Janet understand what happened. How was he going to explain it to McKenzie?

It had been a busy morning, filled with mundane activities that made the time pass quickly. The day began with Nora gently shaking Daniel�s shoulder to wake him from a sound sleep. True to her word, the eager lab technician returned early to take yet another blood test. Shortly thereafter, Janet stopped in to check on her patient. She explained that along with the respiratory distress he suffered, he had become dehydrated as a result of not eating. This condition, combined with the overdose produced complications. His electrolytes had become imbalanced, causing an irregular heartbeat. The doctor added that he would have to remain in bed one more day in order to monitor his heart before allowing him to get up. The experience had taken quite a toll, and staying in bed one more day didn�t seem like such a bad idea.

By the end of the morning, Daniel was surprised at how worn out he felt. Even the simple tasks of talking, sitting up to eat, and turning over while Glenda changed the bed proved exhausting. He closed his eyes to rest briefly when the sound of muffled conversation filled the hallway. Janet�s voice was recognizable, but he couldn�t identify the other speaker until they drew nearer.

��He�d been under a great deal of stress. I prescribed just a few pills to help him sleep over the next couple days.�

�And he took how many?�

McKenzie.

Daniel shook his head and closed his eyes. The name sent a cold shiver down his spine. His mind raced back to his last encounter with the man. The doctor had been so quick to assume that he was insane when infected with Machello�s Goa�uld killing invention. This latest incident would only serve to reinforce McKenzie�s belief that he was unstable. Returning his thoughts to the present, he realized the two doctors had ended their discussion. Daniel opened his eyes and turned his head toward the door. The psychiatrist was standing there, file folder in hand.

�He�s coming to take me away, ha ha, he he!� Daniel wisecracked.

The doctor shook his head and smiled slightly as he entered the room. �Hello, Dr. Jackson.�

�Hi�� Daniel took a deep breath and peered at McKenzie from beneath half closed lids. �Well, are you?�

�Am I what?�

�Here to take me to Mental Health.�

�Why don�t we talk first, and then we�ll see where we go from there,� Doctor McKenzie replied as he pulled a stool next the bed and sat down.

�Based on past experience, you�ll have to forgive me if I don�t exactly trust your judgment,� the younger man rejoined.

�Fair enough.� The doctor pursed his lips and nodded. �But before you return to active duty, General Hammond has ordered that you and I talk about what happened.�

Daniel raised his eyebrows in surprise. �You mean I still have a job?�

�Why wouldn�t you?�

�Because Colonel O�Neill said that he was going have me taken off active field duty�permanently.�

�To my knowledge that hasn�t happened, so why don�t we go ahead and talk, all right?� the doctor replied. He opened the folder and pulled a pen from his pocket, sitting poised and ready to write. �So Daniel, why did you take the overdose of pills?�

�You don�t waste any time, do you?� he grinned.

McKenzie peered over his glasses. �Were you trying to commit suicide?�

The smile quickly vanished. Daniel looked intently at the psychiatrist and shook his head. �No� No.�

�Then why?�

He shifted in the bed uncomfortably and averted his focus from the doctor. Not wanting to see the disapproval that would surely be evident in the older man�s eyes. Daniel felt like a school-aged child who had been caught cheating on a test under the judgmental glare of his teacher, except in this situation the stakes were much higher. He stretched his tense shoulders and breathed deeply to calm himself. His explanation would have to satisfy McKenzie enough to keep him from being readmitted to Mental Health. Visions of the padded cell came flooding back. The last thing he needed was a return trip to that awful place.

�I, I needed to sleep, � he began. �I hadn�t slept in a long time, and I�the nightmares�the guilt�I just couldn�t take it anymore and I had to make it stop�for a while, anyway.�

Out of the corner of his eye, Daniel could see McKenzie scribbling notes in his chart. The doctor leaned forward in his chair.

�Nightmares and guilt about what?�

Daniel looked at him quizzically.

Surely he had to know�

�You must have read the mi��

�The mission reports? Yes, I�ve read them,� the psychiatrist interrupted. �But I noticed something rather interesting about your report, Daniel. Yours doesn�t seem to be finished.�

The younger man stared down at a design on the tile. �General Hammond said I could have some extra time to work on it,� he mumbled. �I just never got around to it, that�s all.�

�I have a suggestion,� Doctor McKenzie calmly responded. �Why don�t we finish it right now? I�ll read from where you left off, and you can go on from there, all right?�

�No.�

�No?� the doctor intoned.

Daniel glared at McKenzie. �Look, I told you why I took the pills. Why don�t we just leave it at that?�

�You think that by not talking about what happened, it will just all go away?� countered the psychiatrist.

Daniel�s felt his stomach drop and the blood drain from his face. As much as he knew McKenzie was right, he was afraid. Fearful of putting what happened into words and hearing himself say them out loud. It was too painful, too dark a place to go. Once he went there, would he ever be able to pull himself out?

�Well, do you?� the doctor persisted.

Daniel looked up at the ceiling and shook his head fractionally. �No.�

�Good. Then let�s begin, shall we?�

The younger man continued staring upward as McKenzie began reading from his report.

�We came across a cell where we believed Teal�c was being held. Lt. Col Griffin was attempting to disengage the lock, when we heard Osiris and several of his Jaffa approaching from the intersecting corridor. I suggested an ambush. We hid from Osiris until Colonel O�Neill gave the order to attack. As we were firing on the Jaffa, Osiris struck the Colonel with his hand device. I��

�That�s where you stopped. Why don�t you take it from there?�

�I, uh�I� � he stammered. �I had a zat in my hand, but�I knew I had to� I tried to shoot her, him� but I�I couldn�t.�

�Please continue,� the doctor gently prompted.

�We had taken care of all the Jaffa, but there was one left. I guess he tried to fire on me� Kar� Karen� jumped �pushed me out of the way. She, she lost her w�weapon ..�

�Then what happened?�

Daniel shifted in the bed again, gripping and fisting the sheet tightly before pulling it up to his chin. Trying to control the spasms that wracked his entire body. The words became more staggered now, interrupted by audible gulps and short, halting gasps for air. Each breath required more effort as he drew closer to describing the tragic events. He felt nauseous. His mouth moved, trying to form the next syllables.

�I�I�fffound a staff weap�weapon�picked it �up��

His eyes flitted across the ceiling, his mind�s eye looking back and forth between Karen and Sarah. The events unfolding before him in living color. Experiencing again the tragedy on Osiris�s Mother ship as the terrible memories came flooding back.

�I�I can�t. What should I do? I don�t know what to do��

�It�s all right, Daniel.�

He began to hyperventilate.

�No�.no�S�s�s�Sarah�fired�hand dev.. ice �thr�threw�her� against�the�wall�

Broken phrases were now interspersed with anguished groans�

�No�no, no�� he moaned. �Oh God, no�She�s dead, she�s dead! I let...I let her�I let her die!�

His body convulsed with silent sobs as tears streamed down his face.

�What happened next?�

�I killed her!� he cried. �I killed her! Oh no, oh no, no, no�I killed her! � Daniel lurched over the side of the bed, vomiting onto the floor. Lying bent over, the tears suddenly stopped and his blue eyes widened.

�I killed her, I killed her,� he muttered repeatedly. �I killed them both�. I killed them both�I killed them both��

�Doctor Frasier! Please come quickly and bring a sedative!� Doctor McKenzie shouted.

Daniel had drawn himself into a tight ball. He was still gripping the sheets as the doctor lifted him back onto the bed.

�It�s all right, Daniel,� the doctor reassured. �You were placed in an impossible situation.�

The words didn�t register. He stared blankly up at McKenzie and kept repeating, �I killed them both��

The medication began to take effect and his body relaxed. Janet pushed the damp hair off his forehead, trying to calm him. �It�ll be all right, Daniel,� she comforted.

�I killed them�I killed both of them�I killed both of��

Pain.

It was with him from the moment he awakened from the drug-induced sleep. A deep, intense pain that made his whole body ache. It emanated in the pit of his stomach and radiated to every sinew and muscle. Paralyzing his entire body so that he couldn�t move, couldn�t speak, couldn�t think. It took every amount of strength to even breathe. All he could do was feel the overwhelming grief that engulfed him�

�Glad to see you�re awake, Doctor Jackson!� the nurse Glenda enthused. �Just in time for me to check your vitals! Could you turn over for me so I can get your blood pressure?�

Daniel was in the exact position as he had been before he had drifted off, clutching the sheet and laying with his knees drawn up near his chest. He heard Glenda�s words, understood what she was asking him to do, but he couldn�t make his body cooperate. He stared up at her silently before returning his gaze to the wall.

�Doctor Jackson?� The young nurse watched him intently for a moment before calling to another nurse.

�Michelle, can you help me with this patient, please?� she called.

Was she talking about him?

Daniel could hear another set of footsteps enter the room.

�Can you help me turn him over? I asked him, but I don�t think he heard me. He seems to still be in shock.�

The two nurses rolled him onto his back, his hands still tightly gripping the bed covering. Daniel watched helplessly as they pried his fingers loose from the sheets and placed his arms back onto the bed. He wished they would just leave him alone, but didn�t have the strength to resist their actions. A spot of peeling paint on the wall caught his attention, and he became entranced by it. He felt Glenda wrapping the blood pressure cuff around his arm and then taking it off, and vaguely heard the sound of Michelle�s footsteps as she crossed the room. Staring at the wall seemed more important.

It wasn�t long before Janet quietly entered the room. �Hi Daniel.�

He was surprised to hear her voice. When had the nurses left?

It would require too much effort to turn his head towards Janet, so he continued staring straight ahead. The doctor gently took hold of his chin and directed his gaze toward her. �Daniel, you doin� okay?� she asked with a tentative smile.

Daniel looked at Janet desolately. The words wouldn�t come out. He somehow summoned the energy to faintly shake his head.

�Do you want to talk?�

His eyes widened and he shook his head again, this time more vehemently.

�Daniel, you were in a very difficult position. No one blames you��

His body began to shake uncontrollably as he stared wide-eyed at the doctor. Three words escaped his lips, his voice scarcely a whisper.

�Dead�M�My�fault�.�

�It�s all right, � Janet consoled, softly touching his arm.

Daniel gasped as he jerked his arm away, pulling it to his chest and balling his hand into a fist. He couldn�t stand to have anyone touch him. Why would anyone want to?

�Would you like to just be left alone?�

He nodded slightly.

Daniel returned his gaze to the spot of peeling paint. Hoping that if he stared at it long enough, he could get lost in it and block out the pain for a while�

Would it ever be over?

Time was endless. It was all a blur, day rolling into night into day. The weight of persistent sadness hung over him like a blanket of fog, enveloping him and reaching into the very depths of his being.

It had been a night of fitful sleep. Long stretches of wakefulness broken by short, restless catnaps. The thud of a med cart being pushed through the hallway jolted him from the latest one. He hadn�t noticed it during the last few days, but the light streaming into the room from the hallway seemed unusually harsh. Turning away from it seemed too difficult a task, however. He squeezed his eyes shut and pushed his head into the pillow. Drawing the blankets up around him in an effort to block out the invasive sights and sounds.

As the moments passed, the sorrow was accompanied by a new feeling, no less debilitating in its effect. Anger? Rage? Bitterness? Maybe none of them, maybe all three. An exact name to describe it escaped him.

How ironic, Daniel smirked to himself. The man who knew twenty-three languages couldn�t come up with one word to name an emotion?

He only knew that he was miserable and wanted to be left alone.

The click of heels against the ceramic tile intruded upon his little world of misery. Daniel cracked open his eyes to see Janet striding briskly into the room before coming to a stop at the side of his bed.

�Good morning! How�s my favorite patient?� she exclaimed.

Oh please.

He returned his gaze to the wad of sheet clutched in his hand and didn�t respond.

Janet pursed her lips and sighed heavily. �I�m fine too, thanks for asking!� the doctor added sarcastically.

Why can�t she just leave me the hell alone?

The doctor shook her head. �Still not talking today, huh?�

Trust me, you wouldn�t want me to. You don�t want to hear anything I have to say.

�How are you today, Daniel?�

You really don�t want to know.

It was no longer an issue of not being able to speak. It was more a matter of not wanting to talk. He felt so awful inside that he was afraid of what might come out.

�Well, anyway, I need to examine you. I�d like to check your heart and respiration before we get you up today.� She reached across the bed and placed her stethoscope down his gown. The cold metal against his back caused him to shiver.

�Okay, look Daniel,� the petite doctor continued. �I need to listen to your heart and your chest. Now I may be strong for my size, but I refuse to turn a big boy like you over, so you need to do it.�

Didn�t she realize what she was asking?

He peered up at her and frowned.

If I don�t move, she might just change her mind.

Peeking out from the edge of the blankets, he could see Janet standing with her arms folded and tapping her foot impatiently, waiting for him to comply.

She wasn�t going anywhere.

All right.

If he did what she wanted, perhaps she would go away.

Daniel completed the excruciating process of repositioning himself onto his back.

�That�s better.� The doctor nodded and uttered an occasional �uh-huh� as she placed her stethoscope onto various spots across his chest. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. It was all he could do not to scream and grab her hands. Having anyone touch him was still almost unbearable. The examination seemed to take forever. Eventually, Janet stood back and smiled. �All right! Everything sounds great!� she pronounced. �Glenda�s going to bring you some breakfast and get you started with a bath, and then we�ll get you up for a walk to the door and back. Maybe you can sit in the chair for awhile too!�

I don�t think so.

�Come on, Daniel, � Janet pleaded, as he once again failed to respond. �Look, I know you�re still very upset, but please talk to me. I know you�re able to.�

Why couldn�t she just let him suffer in silence?

�Not hungry,� he mumbled.

�I knew you were still in there!� Janet�s eyes sparkled and her face beamed with a radiant smile. �As far as eating goes, you really need to in order to get your strength back, so Glenda will be in shortly with your tray.�

Daniel stared up at the doctor and blinked slowly, not uttering a word.

Janet�s shoulders slumped slightly. Her smile faded as she gently put her hand on his shoulder.

Why did she insist on touching him?

�All right, I�ll be back to check on you later, okay?�

Daniel breathed a sigh of relief as she walked out of the room.

No sooner had Janet left than Glenda came bounding in with the tray of food.

�Hey, Doctor Jackson! How ya� doin?�

Doesn�t this girl ever take a break?

Her cheerfulness was beginning to grate on his nerves.

Daniel flinched as the nurse pushed the button on the side of the bed to raise it so he could eat. The creaking of the springs as the bed moved slowly into position sounded unusually piercing. He scowled as she carefully pushed the stand holding the tray of broth, tea, jell-o, and apple juice in front of him.

�I know, it�s not real appetizing. Same old thing. But Doctor Frasier thought since you got sick yesterday, maybe we�d better take it easy and start you back with something light today.�

Daniel thought he might just vomit again as the smell of the broth wafted into the air. He gulped, trying to swallow back the bile that was rising in his throat.

Broth? Who ate broth for breakfast, anyway?

�There you go.� Glenda smiled hesitantly. �Would you like some help getting started?�

�No.�

�Okay, I�ll go check on a couple of other patients. I�ll be back in about ten minutes.�

Don�t hurry.

As soon as the nurse left the room, Daniel pushed the tray away. He couldn�t stand the smell of the food any longer. Even the sight of it disgusted him. He turned his head and closed his eyes to avoid looking at it.

How could ten minutes have gone by so quickly? Before long, Glenda�s voice was calling from outside the door. �So, Doctor Jackson, how did�� She stopped mid-sentence as she entered the room and glanced unhappily at his tray.

�Oh, Doctor Jackson,� she said, her tone filled with disappointment. �You haven�t touched a thing. Doctor Fraiser is not going to be happy about this, not one bit.�

�Later.�

�But the soup and the tea will be cold later, � the nurse complained. Daniel glowered at her. She raised her eyebrows and sighed. �Okey-dokey then! I suppose I could save the juice, and the tea will be all right for you to drink cold and the jell-o should hold for awhile,� she rambled. �Later it is. But I�ll still have to tell Doctor Fraiser.�

You do that.

She set down the towels she was holding and removed the tray, placing it on the counter against the wall. �It�s time for your bath, anyway.�

Daniel winced as Glenda began to fill a plastic tub with water. Every noise seemed magnified. The dull sound of her shoes hitting the floor as she crossed the room to the sink. The squeaking of the handle as she turned the faucet. Water splashing into the basin. The thud of the tub as she set it on the stand next to the towel, washcloth, and small bar of soap.

�Are you gonna be okay, or do I need to stay and help you?�

�I�m fine.�

�All right. Just call me if you need anything.�

Thankfully, she left him alone for awhile. Daniel sat staring at the container of water. He knew he should wash, but couldn�t make himself reach for the washcloth. No amount of soap and water would remove the stains. Karen and Sarah�s blood, along with the Abydonians� would always be on his hands. Unable to stand it any longer, Daniel lowered the bed and closed his eyes.

�Doctor Jackson!�

Oh no, not again. Doesn�t she have anything better to do?

Glenda stood over him, looking disapprovingly at the untouched towels. �Doctor Jackson, you haven�t even started your bath yet!�

�Later.�

The nurse exhaled in frustration. �The water will be cold later!�

Daniel narrowed his eyes and stared fiercely at her. �Then get me some warm water later,� he growled.

�We don�t give baths later in the day.� She reached down to lift him into a sitting position. �Here, let me help you,� the nurse offered.

Daniel �s arm flew up with lightning speed as he harshly pushed Glenda�s arm out of the way, blocking her attempt to help him.

�I �said� LATER!� he yelled.

They both remained frozen for what seemed like hours, their gazes fixed on each other. Glenda was wide-eyed, her mouth slack-jawed and her hand still outstretched. Daniel was holding his arm in the same position, clenching his fist and glaring defiantly at the nurse. Janet rushed into the room.

�Nurse Jenkins, what�s going on? I could hear yelling all the way down the hallway!�

Glenda let out a shaky breath and looked at Janet as she entered the room. Daniel never took his eyes off the stunned nurse. She was finally able to speak. �It seems Doctor Jackson doesn�t want to take his bath today.�

He transferred his insolent stare to the doctor as she stood watching him for a moment. She shook her head slightly as she glanced back the nurse. �The bath can wait. We can do it later.�

Nurse Jenkins swallowed hard and nodded.

Both women left the room in silence.

Finally.

The peeling paint. What was there about it that made it so fascinating? It was almost as he had some strange connection with it. He laid spellbound by the spot, staring at it until it finally occurred to him. That�s the way he was feeling. As though he was rotting away inside, the putrid decay eating away at him layer by layer. Coursing through his veins and permeating the very core of his soul. He could almost picture it in his mind.

He still couldn�t name the feeling, but at least he could visualize it.

Why didn�t that make him feeling any better?

�Doctor Jackson?�

Didn�t she get the message last time?

Daniel rolled his eyes and grasped the sheet with both hands, pulling it up to his chin once again.

Glenda cautiously peeked in the doorway. �Now before you say anything, Doctor Jackson, I just want you to know this is not my idea.�

Daniel turned his head, following the young woman as she slowly crossed the room. He scowled, pressed his lips together, and clenched the sheets as tightly as he could. Trying to exercise every ounce of self-control left within him. The nurse continued her discourse as she rearranged the IV poles and lowered the railing on the bed, seemingly unaware of Daniel�s displeasure at her presence.

�Trust me, if I had anything to say about it, I�d leave you alone,� she continued. �But Doctor Frasier really wants you to get up today, so I�m just here to help, okay?�

No, it�s not okay.

The nurse stood by the edge of the bed.

If you don�t leave, I can�t be responsible for what I do�

�Now, I�m just going to reach behind you and help you up, and then we can get this over with.�

His eyes widened as he watched Glenda reaching down to take his arm.

Don�t. Don�t do it!

�Why don�t you let me��

�Why don�t you get off my back!�

The infuriated nurse threw up her hands. �That�s it! I�ve had it!� she snapped.

Daniel watched her as she stormed out of the room. �I give up!� she exclaimed in exasperation. Janet came into view. �What is it, Glenda?� she asked.

�I don�t know what to do with him! Dr. Jackson is usually so cooperative when he�s here, but he won�t do one thing I ask him to do!�

I don�t feel like being cooperative.

It was all McKenzie�s fault. If he hadn�t opened up these wounds, just left him alone and let him keep his feelings under wraps, he wouldn�t be acting like this. Now they all just had to suffer the consequences. Daniel felt rotten and ugly on the inside, and didn�t care who knew it. Turning on his side, he pulled the blankets all around him. His emotions were all over the place and he couldn�t hide it any more. All he wanted to do was wallow in self-pity, or whatever it was he was feeling.

�Good morning, Daniel.�

Not him. Not now.

Hadn�t she just left?

He didn�t know just how much time had passed since his confrontation with Glenda, but apparently it wasn�t long enough. McKenzie now stood outside the doorway.

�Are you awake?�

Daniel lay perfectly still, hoping that the psychiatrist would think he was asleep and leave. It didn�t work. The creaking of the doctor�s shoes as he crossed the room, and the screech of chair legs on the floor broke the silence as he pulled the piece of furniture next to the bed.

Maybe if I keep my eyes shut�

He heard the doctor sit down in the chair. Daniel could feel his eyes on him.

�All right. I�ll just wait until you�re ready, then.�

He wasn�t going away. Daniel could hear the tapping of a pencil against a folder, the squeaking of plastic as the doctor shifted in the chair.

Finally, he had enough.

�Get out.�

McKenzie raised his eyebrows. �Nice to see you, too.�

�Go away.�

�You know I can�t do that, Daniel.�

�I�m not going to talk to you,� the younger man snarled from behind the blankets.

�That�s not an option,� the psychiatrist countered.

�You can�t force me.�

�You�re right, Daniel, I can�t. We can always continue this conversation at Mental Health if you�d like.�

Was this supposed to be reverse psychology?

He thought back to the time in the padded room and the unwanted solitary hours he had spent there. Suddenly, the isolation it offered didn�t seem like such a bad thing after all. At least in there maybe he�d be left alone, save for the orderlies bringing meals and the occasional visits from McKenzie.

�I don�t care.�

Doctor McKenzie pursed his lips and nodded. �All right, I�ll go make the arrangements.Daniel watched from behind the blankets as the doctor rose from his chair and crossed the room to leave. �It will be good to have you there. I�m sure the other patients will enjoy getting to know you in the support groups. We�ll have more opportunities to talk. And we can start you on medication to help with your depression.�

More talking? Having to deal with other patients? More medication that distorted reality? On second thought, perhaps it wasn�t such a good plan.

�No.�

�Good.� McKenzie returned to his chair beside the bed and opened his folder. �So, how are you feeling today, Daniel?�

The younger man resented the doctor for forcing his hand. If he was going to have to talk, his answers were going to be concise. He certainly wasn�t going to give McKenzie the satisfaction of looking at him. Daniel hid behind the twisted sheets. �Doctor Fraiser says better,� he mumbled.

�I�m glad to hear that, but that wasn�t exactly what I meant.�

I know, I was trying to avoid the question.

�I was talking about how you were feeling emotionally.�

How could he possibly explain what he was feeling? Like he was rotting away and dying inside? There were no adequate words to explain it.

�I don�t know.�

�You don�t know? All right. Let�s make this a multiple-choice question, then. I�ll give you a list of feelings, and you can tell me which ones apply.�

When did he get to be such a smart-ass? .

�Let�s start with happy. Are you feeling happy?�

What kind of a stupid question is that? Do I look happy? I�m not even going to dignify that with an answer.

Daniel peeked out from behind the sheets and glared at the doctor before returning his gaze to the wadded sheet he gripped in his hands.

�I guess not,� McKenzie shrugged. �How about depressed?� .

That sounded as good as anything.

�I guess.�

�Angry?�

�Yes,� he answered through gritted teeth.

�Who are you angry at?�

�At you. At everyone.�

�And why is that?�

�Because you�re all making me talk about things I don�t want to talk about.�

�Anyone else?�

�Myself.�

�Why?�

�Why do you think?�

The doctor leaned forward in his chair. �You�re angry about what happened aboard Osiris�s ship?�

Good guess.

�But people close to you have died before. What�s made this the final straw?�

�I�m responsible for them, for all of them,� Daniel muttered.

�What do you mean?� the doctor queried.

�Karen, Sarah, Jonas, Jack, the Abydonians, all of them.�

�I don�t understand, Daniel.�

�It�s all my fault. If I had just done what I should have, Jonas wouldn�t be the way he is, and Jack wouldn�t have been captured by Baal and he wouldn�t have had had to die over and over with me watching and powerless to stop it, and then I wouldn�t have interfered and the Abydonians would still be alive and�I don�t want to talk about this anymore! Please leave me alone!�

Daniel closed his eyes and began rocking back and forth, repeatedly whispering, �Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone��

Doctor McKenzie took hold of the younger man�s shoulders to stop him. Daniel gasped and wrenched back, his eyes wide in surprise.

�All right. We won�t talk about this anymore for now. But I have one more question for you. What do you do when you suffer a loss in your life, Daniel?�

�What?� he asked disbelievingly.

�How do you deal with the difficult things that happen to you?�

Daniel squinted up at the doctor in puzzlement and shrugged. �I don�t know, I just do.�

�Do you ever talk about things?�

�Not really, no.�

The psychiatrist pressed on. �How long have you handled things that way?�

This was getting annoying.

�I don�t know. Do you have a point?�

�Just bear with me for a moment. What�s the first really awful thing that happened in your life?

The younger man was silent for a moment before responding. �When my parents died.�

�How old were you when that happened?�

�Eight. I was eight.�

The doctor sat down again in his chair. �You watched them die, didn�t you?�

�Yes.�

The mere mention of the words took him back to the tragic events. He could picture the horrible scenario unfolding as though it were yesterday. Why did something that happened over thirty years ago still cause such a piercing twinge in his stomach?

�Who did you talk to about it, Daniel?�

�I didn�t.�

�You mean you were only eight years old, you watched your parents die, and you never talked with anyone about it?�

Daniel shrugged and shook his head. �No.�

�Why?�

�Because it hurt too much, and all I wanted to do was try to forget.�

It was easier that way.

�So all your life, whenever something painful happened to you, you just pretended it didn�t happen?�

�Yeah, pretty much. I�ve managed all right.�

Doctor McKenzie peered over his glasses at his patient.

�Like you�re managing now?�

He had a point.

The bluntness of the statement caused a cold shiver to run through him. Daniel swallowed hard, trying to dispel the tightness that had formed in his stomach. He looked down at the sheets in an effort to avoid the doctor�s stare and shook his head fractionally.

�I�ll be back tomorrow to talk with you some more, all right?�

Daniel nodded in silent acknowledgement.

Somehow, that didn�t seem like such a bad idea.

All his life, people had always remarked about how impressed they were with his ability to handle the setbacks in his life. What a brave little boy he had been when his parents died, how strong he was when he lost Sha�re, how well he had adjusted when he descended. In reality, their comments couldn�t have been further from the truth. But it was matter of necessity, the only way he had managed to preserve his sanity through the onslaught of tragedies all these years. Just block things out and go on. Besides, he had to be strong. He only had himself to rely on after his parents died. But McKenzie was right. He wasn�t managing that well now. It had always worked before. Why wasn�t it working now? Perhaps too much had happened. He couldn�t hide from the truth. Not this time.

CRASH!

The sound of clanging silverware and rattling plates caught him unaware, jarring him from his thoughts and taking his breath away. Daniel had been so deep in thought that he hadn�t heard her come into the room. After slamming the tray of food on the stand, Glenda spun on her heel and began to leave.

�Wait.�

The nurse hesitated for a moment before continuing her exit.

�Please Glenda, wait.�

She stopped again, but did not turn around.

�I�m sorry.�

Still no response.

�I�m sorry for the way I treated you yesterday.�

This was not going the way he had planned. Daniel had spent a good part of the previous day thinking about how he would try to make things right. She was not reacting as he had hoped. He searched his mind, trying to think of what else he could say to elicit some kind of response.

�I didn�t know what to do with what I was feeling yesterday, but I shouldn�t have taken it out on you.�

�No, you shouldn�t have,� Glenda finally retorted, still facing the door.

Daniel raised his eyebrows and sighed deeply. He was running out of ideas.

�I�m really sorry. I hope you can forgive me�I�ll buy you a cup of coffee?�

The nurse turned slowly and smiled broadly. �All right, Dr. Jackson, I forgive you.�

Daniel let out a sigh of relief and smiled wryly back at Glenda, shaking his head. �You were making me grovel, weren�t you?�

�Yes, and I was enjoying every moment of it, too,� the nurse replied, her eyes twinkling.

�A little too much, if you ask me.�

�Just remember though, if you ever act like that again, I�m the one with the needles!�

Daniel grinned and nodded. �I�ll be sure to keep that in mind.�

�And yes to the coffee, by the way. Now about that breakfast, are you going to eat it, or am I going to have to stand here and force it on you?�

�No, no, that�s okay,� he smiled. �I think I�ll be fine on my own.�

�And you are getting up today, whether you like it or not!� she added, her reddish blond curls bouncing as she began her exit from the room.

�All right, whatever you say!�

As she stepped into the hallway, Glenda stopped and turned suddenly, poking her head around the doorframe.

�You know Ill be back to check on you!�

�I know, believe me, I know!� Daniel chuckled.

She winked and smiled again before exiting the room.

It occurred to him that for a few brief moments he hadn�t thought about everything that happened, or felt the awful, sick feelings that had been with him since this whole mess began. As soon as Glenda left, however, Daniel could feel the emotions and the lump in the pit of his stomach return. He let out a sigh and stared at the food before closing his eyes and shaking his head. Trying to will himself to begin eating the bland cereal that did not want to go down. But the nurse would be back shortly, and he did not intend to incur her wrath again. Or see the look of disappointment in her eyes, for that matter. Daniel slowly picked up the spoon and stirred the Cream of Wheat around in the bowl. Visions of his nurse�s disapproval spurred him on to take one mouthful, then another, until he was surprised to see it was almost gone. Now all that was left was some dry toast and the remainder of the tea.

Daniel swallowed hard and gave himself a pep talk. �Okay, you can do this.� Just as he was about to take a sip of the now lukewarm beverage, he heard the sound of knuckles wrapping gently on the door.

Oh no, I�m not done yet.

�Hey, Daniel, are you up for a visit?�

He let out a sigh of relief. Sam.

�Sure. You can give me a good excuse for not finishing this stuff that the commissary tries to pass off as food,� he grinned.

His good friend laughed quietly. �How are you feeling today?�

�I�ve got a big day ahead. I get to take a couple walks and sit in that nice blue plastic chair over there.�

�Are you feeling better than you were yesterday?�

Daniel looked at her quizzically. �What do you mean?�

�I came by see you yesterday, but Janet said you weren�t really in the mood for visitors. I was here when you were yelling at Nurse Jenkins,� Sam replied softly.

He looked sheepishly down at the floor. �You heard that, huh?�

Sam raised her brows and nodded. �Yeah, I did. So, are you feeling better?�

�I guess.� Daniel bit his lip and shrugged his shoulders. �I don�t know, to be honest with you. I�m not really sure what I�m feeling.�

�I�m sure Doctor McKenzie will help you figure things out.�

�Yeah� That�s enough about me. What have you been up to?�

�Well, after I left here yesterday, Jack and I went for a drive in the country and��

Jack.

Hearing the name and the unpleasant memories it invoked caused Daniel�s stomach to churn and the bile to rise in his throat. He turned his head and looked away from his friend

�Daniel, the two of you really should talk,� Sam gently urged.

�Are you sure that�s what he wants, because I�m not really sure that�s what I want,� he retorted, still staring at the wall.

�You should try to resolve things between you,� she pressed.

�Oh, I think he�s made it pretty clear where I stand with him.�

�He really feels bad about everything that�s happened, Daniel,� Sam interrupted. �I know he wants to talk.�

�Well, if it�s his idea�maybe.� He furrowed his brows and turned his head slowly back toward his friend with the sudden realization of what she had said.

�Wait a minute. You called him Jack. What�s changed?�

Smiling shyly with her eyes twinkling, Sam glanced down and slightly tilted her head. �Well��

Daniel grinned and motioned with his finger. �Come on, this is me you�re talking to. What�s going on?�

�Do you remember the day I came to see you in your office the day you��

He blinked slowly and nodded. �Vaguely,� he interrupted. Eager to spare them both the unpleasant memories of that day.

�I went to talk to Jack about his threat to have you removed from the SGC and the way he was treating you. Well, one thing led to another, and we got into a pretty deep discussion about our feelings and��

�And?�

�We�ve decided to try to explore our relationship and see where things take us.�

�So, he really did it then, huh?� He really retired?�

�Yes, he did. With all he�s been through, he�s at a point in his life where it�s something he really needs to do.�

Daniel chewed his lip and nodded. �Yeah, I suppose so.� After a momentary silence, he smiled and took hold of his friend�s hand. �I�m really happy for you,� he added. �I know this is something you�ve wanted for a long time. That the both of you have wanted.�

�Okay, Dr. Jackson, how�d you do? Are you ready to get up now?� Glenda strode briskly into the room, stopping abruptly when she saw the conversation taking place. �Oh, I�m so sorry. I didn�t mean to interrupt.�

�That�s okay,� Sam smiled. �I�ll take that as my cue to leave.�

�You can stay a little longer, can�t you?�

�No, actually, I need to get going. Jack and I are driving up to his cabin for the weekend, and I need to run some errands before we leave.�

It was rather strange to hear Sam refer to Jack by his first name, but he was pleased at how happy she was. �All right, have a great time. I�m sure you will!� Daniel grinned.

Sam smiled broadly and winked as she made her way to the door. �Thanks, I�m sure we will, too!�

�I really am happy for you, you know,� he called after her.

Sam stopped and peeked around the doorframe, her blue eyes sparkling. �I know you are, thanks.�

Daniel truly did feel happy for his dear friend. But the happiness was accompanied by an unexpected sense of melancholy. Was it because Sam wouldn�t be there when he was released to go home? Teal�c was back on Chulak and obviously Jack couldn�t be counted on. Jonas was in no condition to help. No one would be there as he began to try to pick up the pieces of his life. Or maybe it was because it occurred to him that his friends� lives were going on while he was stuck in this quagmire of guilt. Perhaps somewhere mixed in there was a feeling of envy. That they were experiencing something he would never have again.

Glenda took him gently by the arm and smiled softly. �Are you okay?�

Daniel shook his head to clear his thoughts. �I�m sorry. I didn�t finish it all.�

�That�s all right, you did just fine. Ready to get up?�

�No, not really,� he smiled weakly. �But let�s get this over with.�

Glenda reached around to help him off the bed and onto his feet. He was grateful for the nurse�s support. Daniel was surprised at just how unsteady his legs felt.

�How are you feeling?�

�My legs feel like Jell-o.� Daniel chuckled softly as he recalled the numerous times the gelatin and its many colors had been a part of the team�s conversations.

�What are you laughing about?� Glenda asked.

�It�s nothing, really.� The smile faded as Daniel realized that those lighthearted times they shared together most likely had come to an end.

Glenda joked that he had better hold his gown together unless he wanted to give everyone in the Infirmary a thrill with a peek at his behind. He smiled and shook his head. She always had an innate sense for knowing when someone needed their spirits lifted, and exactly the right words to do it. The nurse continued to encourage him and tell him how well he was doing. After progressing halfway down the hall, Daniel stated that he needed to stop and rest. She agreed without argument and they headed back to his room.

�You did great, and we�ll try to go a little bit further later.� Glenda led him over to the chair that was pushed up against the wall. �We�re going to let you sit up awhile.� She walked over to a shelf and produced two magazines along with his glasses. �Major Carter brought these from your office for you to read. And,��she reached into a tote bag and displayed a newspaper. �I took the liberty of bringing in my newspaper from home, in case you wanted to see what�s been going on in the world since you�ve been out of commission.�

Daniel reached up and took the proffered reading material from her hands. �Thanks, that was very thoughtful of you both. It looks like that will be enough to keep me busy for awhile.�

�I�m going to check on some other patients and finish some paperwork. I�ll be back later.�

�Okay, thanks. � He smiled weakly and nodded.

Having already read the magazines, Daniel picked out the news section from the paper and snapped it open to get a better look at the contents inside. He stared intently at the print, trying to make some sense out of the stream of letters and words before him. They all ran together in a blur. He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to refocus his concentration, but to no avail. Sam�s voice kept echoing in his mind�

�Daniel, the two of you really should talk.�

She was probably right. However, Jack certainly didn�t seem as though he was willing to forgive him for what he had done, and understandably so. And Daniel wasn�t sure he could forgive Jack either. It seemed his friend had gone out of his way to say anything to hurt him. How could they ever overcome these obstacles and repair the tatters of their broken friendship?

Frustrated, he angrily crumpled the paper and threw it onto the floor.

�Hello, Daniel.�

Daniel looked up to see Doctor McKenzie standing in the doorway, his arms crossed in front of him and cradling the ever-present file folder. How long had he been standing there? Had he just witnessed this latest exercise in futility and frustration? The younger man returned his gaze to the floor. �Hi,� he answered awkwardly.

Ordinarily, Daniel would have dreaded seeing the doctor, but he was surprised to find himself almost welcoming the psychiatrist�s presence.

�Good to see you up and around,� McKenzie continued as he crossed the room and drew another chair opposite Daniel�s. �How are you feeling today?�

The younger man bit his lip and sighed heavily, once again at a loss for words. �I�m honestly not trying to be difficult, but I�m really not sure what to say, how to describe it.�

�Are you still angry?�

Daniel shook his head slightly. �No. Not at you anyway,� he added with a half-smile.

�At yourself?� the doctor queried.

�I guess.�

Doctor McKenzie scribbled a few words on the chart before closing it once again. He returned his gaze to his patient without saying a word. Simply stared, his gaze unwavering, as though he expected Daniel to say more.

Finally, the words came. �I�m tired�just so tired.�

�Well, that�s understandable, considering everything you�ve been through the past couple weeks,� the doctor reassured.

�No, that�s not what I meant.�

�What did you mean, then?�

He was finally able release the emotions that had been festering inside �I�m tired of being responsible for the lives of so many people. I�m tired of this guilt. It�s all around me, it�s all through me, I can�t get out from under it.�

The psychiatrist said nothing, waiting for his patient to continue.

�I did, for a little while.�

�When?�

�When I took the pills, it went away for a while.�

The doctor held his pen against his lips and nodded, apparently pondering the response. �Daniel, I know you said that the overdose was accidental, but do you suppose there was a part of you that purposely took those pills?�

A cold shiver ran down Daniel�s back, and he felt the gooseflesh rise all over him. It was a possibility he had never allowed himself to consider. But in the harsh light of reality, he had to admit the truth. �Maybe, for a split second, yes.� He drew in a shaky breath and looked up at the ceiling, �I just, uh, I needed to get some relief�I just needed it all to be over.�

�All right, Daniel.� The doctor nodded in apparent understanding. �Now let�s talk about that guilt and just how much of it is justified.�

The younger man�s eyes widened in disbelief. �What?� he snapped. �How can you say that? With everything I�ve done, how can you say that my guilt is not justified?�

�Well,� the psychiatrist countered, �Why don�t we discuss things and find out?�

When had all the activity in the normally hectic atmosphere of the Infirmary suddenly come to a stop, leaving in its place a deafening silence? Daniel grimaced and shifted in his seat. His heart pounded as he intently stared at McKenzie methodically flipping the pages of his burgeoning file one by one. The sound of rattling paper and the blood rushing in his ears vied for his attention. The archaeologist had never been especially religious, but he had learned enough from his parents before they were killed, and from his studies of various cultures to know what was thought to happen when someone died. How one was called before God to face judgment for wrongs that had been committed. That was how he felt, like a sinner being called to account for all his sins. He swallowed hard in an effort to ward off the impending wave of nausea that was mounting in the pit of his stomach.

The doctor finally spoke. �You said that none of the recent events would have happened if you had done what you should have. What did you mean by that?�

�A few years ago, I was sent on a mission for the Tok�ra to kill all the System Lords at their meeting with a toxin the Tok�ra had developed. But, I uh�I couldn�t do it.� Daniel rolled his eyes and smiled sarcastically. �Big surprise, huh?�

�Why couldn�t you do it?� Doctor McKenzie inquired.

�Sarah was there.�

�As Osiris?�

�Yes. I just thought maybe I could��

�What?�

�Save her.�

�Uh huh.� The psychiatrist crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair. �What do you think would have happened if you had carried out the mission?�

�Well, that�s obvious,� Daniel retorted. �Jack would never have been captured by Baal, Jonas and Jack wouldn�t have been captured by Osiris, and we never would have been aboard Osiris�s ship, so Karen would still be alive��

�Was there any other reason you didn�t follow through with the plan?�

Daniel scanned the tile floor, trying to evoke the suppressed memories. �Yes,� he added. �Osiris announced that she was there representing Anubis. Later, I heard her say that once the System Lords accepted Anubis back, that he would carry out his plan to destroy Earth. Jacob always said it was better to have many System Lords fighting amongst themselves than to have one all-powerful one, so we decided it was best to abort the mission.�

�So you did the right thing?�

The younger man nodded. �I suppose. But that�s not the point. Jack was right, I let my personal feelings get in the way of what I should have done. And look what happened as a result.�

�Daniel, there was no way you could have anticipated everything that�s happened. You made the best decision you could have at the time under the circumstances, didn�t you?�

The younger man raised his eyebrows and blew out a deep breath. �I guess so.�

�Let�s continue on.� The doctor lifted the next page of the chart. �You also said that you watched Colonel O� Neill die repeatedly when he was captured by Baal?�

�I was there, � the younger man muttered desolately.

McKenzie leaned forward. �How is that possible?�

�It wasn�t long after I had Ascended. I saw that Jack was in trouble, and I just had to be there for him, try to help him through. He begged me to help him escape and I wanted to, but I just couldn�t.� The younger man scowled and bit his lip. �Well�I could have, but I couldn�t.�

Daniel wished the psychiatrist would say something, but he remained silent.

�The Others had rules about not interfering. I was still newly Ascended. I didn�t know what would happen to Jack, or to me for that matter, if I did. I did help him, though.�

�How?�

Daniel tilted his head slightly and offered a faint, knowing smile. �I kind of gave some people ideas for a plan.�

�Does Colonel O� Neill know that?�

�Not exactly.�

�Why didn�t you tell him?� the doctor rebuked.

�Well, I probably would have if I had known he was still so angry with me.�

�Do you think maybe you should tell him now?�

�I don�t think that�s gonna happen. We�re not exactly on speaking terms these days.�

�But you did interfere with the events on Abydos?�

�Yes.�

Daniel sighed deeply and closed his eyes in an effort to gather his thoughts. Faces of loved ones flashed through his mind. The explosion that rocked the planet and the piercing cries for help pounding in his throbbing head.

�Daniel?�

�I should have left well enough alone. I just should have told Jack that the Eye was on Abydos, and let the team deal with it. Or at the very most, I should have stopped with helping them find it. I just thought I could�I just wanted to� But I was stupid to think I could make a deal with Anubis to save the Abydonians, and it was arrogant of me to think I had the power to stop him if he didn�t �And because of that, Anubis has the Eye, and everyone on Abydos is gone. Jack�s right, I always think I know what�s best.�

Doctor McKenzie nodded slightly. �What do you think Anubis would have done if you hadn�t told Colonel O�Neill about the situation on Abydos?�

The question caught the younger man by surprise.

�Well, I�� he stuttered, narrowing his eyes. �I guess he probably would have destroyed the planet looking for it.�

�And what if you hadn�t made the deal with him?� the doctor added.

�I suppose he would have wiped out Abydos anyway.�

Doctor McKenzie raised his brows and nodded again. �Daniel, I think you have to take responsibility for the fact that Anubis is more powerful now than ever because of what you did. But to say that you are responsible for the deaths of the Abydonians, I�m not sure that�s the case. I think it�s safe to assume that Anubis would have destroyed Abydos whether you had done anything or not.�

�Maybe,� the younger man acquiesced.

The doctor leaned forward and peered over his glasses. �You do that a lot, don�t you, assume responsibility for things?�

Daniel shrugged and shook his head. �I guess. I hadn�t really thought about it.�

�Uh huh.� The psychiatrist sighed deeply and looked at his patient. �Why didn�t you discuss any of this with Doctor Willard when you first came back?�

�She never asked. All she wanted to talk about was what is was like to be Ascended and how I was adjusting to returning to human form. I didn�t really want to talk about it anyway, so I never brought it up.�

�I see. We�ve covered a lot of ground today, Daniel. Do you want to stop for now, or do feel like continuing?�

�I feel like stopping, to be truthful.� The younger man shifted in his chair and smiled faintly. �I�m exhausted, but I�ll have to talk about it sometime, so I might as well get it over with.�

�All right.� The doctor turned the next page in his patient�s chart. �Let�s talk about Sarah.�

Sarah.

Daniel fell back against the chair as a new torrent of guilt and grief washed over him, feeling his whole body sag under the weight of it. He dropped his head and gazed at the floor, unable to meet the doctor�s eyes.

�What would you have done differently?�

�I didn�t have to kill her, � he answered, his voice quivering. He swallowed hard and tried to blink back the tears. �I could have distracted her, I could have fired lower, but I didn�t have to kill her.�

�And what would you have accomplished by not killing her?� Doctor McKenzie calmly asked. His matter of fact attitude was becoming infuriating.

�What do you mean, what could I have accomplished? I could have saved her!� Daniel snapped.

�How could you have saved her?�

�What?� The younger man was taken aback by the question.

�You heard me, Daniel. How could you have saved her? The Tollans aren�t around to help anymore, and the Tok�ra aren�t exactly in a position to offer their assistance these days either. What do you think you could have done?�

�W�w�w, well,� he stammered. �I, I don�t know. It�s just that I�I couldn�t save Sha�re, and I made a vow to myself to do whatever I had to do to save Sarah. I always thought that��

�You didn�t really have a choice, did you?�

�That�s what Sarah said just before she died, that I didn�t have a choice.� Daniel chewed the inside of his lip and looked to the ceiling in an effort to regain a measure of composure. �We were together for a long time. I still cared very deeply for her.�

�Daniel, you�re going to have to allow yourself time to grieve. You�ve lost someone very special to you.�

The younger man closed his eyes, and the tears that had been threatening ran slowly down his cheeks.

�And what about Lieutenant Colonel Griffin?�

Oh God. Not that. That was the one subject that was just too painful to talk about. Daniel felt like he had just been punched in the stomach, and he struggled to catch his breath.

�I�ll ask you the same question. What would you have done differently?�

�I should have done something, anything. Like I said, I could have fired a distracting shot, or done something. But I just stood there, I froze. And now she�s dead. There�s nothing you can say that will absolve me of that.�

The psychiatrist pursed his lips and raised his brows. �I wasn�t going to.�

�Then how am I supposed to live with that? I don�t think I can ever forgive myself.�

�Well, you have two choices. You can either give up, and stay in this place forever, or you can try to accept what�s happened and move forward with your life.�

�But Jack�s never going to forgive me,� he uttered softly.

�You can�t be responsible for his feelings, Daniel. You can only be responsible for yourself. Speaking of Colonel O�Neill, it seems that a lot of your guilt was placed there by him.�

The younger man stared down at the floor. �Yes, I guess it was. I know he was upset, but he held me responsible for everything.� Daniel looked up slowly as the realization finally struck him. �I let him, didn�t I?�

�You let him do what?�

�I allowed him to heap all that guilt on me. I guess I was feeling so guilty about what happened with Karen and Sarah, that I took it.�

�Do you think that�s where some of your anger is coming from?�

Daniel chewed on his lip and nodded slightly as he considered the doctor�s suggestion. �Yes. I�m angry with him because he�s blamed me for things I didn�t have control over, and at myself for allowing him to do it.�

The older man stood up to indicate his impending departure. �Doctor Frasier will be releasing you to return to active duty soon, and I see no reason to prevent that from happening, but I�ll need to continue to see you. We still have a lot to discuss and help you work through.

�I�m not going back. I�m going to resign.�

The doctor reached down and placed his hand on his patient�s shoulder. �Daniel, you�re still in the midst of the stages of grief. You shouldn�t be making any major decisions right now. Give yourself some time to sort things out.�

�I�ll see. But I don�t think I�ll change my mind.�

As he made his way to leave, the doctor stood in the doorway and took off his glasses. �Think about what I�ve said, Daniel, and my nurse will be calling you with a schedule of your appointments.�

�Incoming traveler, incoming traveler!�

Sgt. Davis�s sharp declaration and the shrill blast of the claxons pierced the calm of the peaceful morning. The red glare of the flashing lights mesmerized Daniel into an almost hypnotic stare as the standard rush of soldiers raced through the hallways, their heavy boots thundering against the ceramic tiles. Normally, nothing could prevent the eager scientist from joining right behind them, not even when Janet was advising him to take it easy after his appendectomy and SG-1 was returning home. He was always curious to discover who would be the next arrival. But now, he had more pressing issues to think about.

�Give up or keep moving forward with your life��

McKenzie made it sound like it was an easy choice.

�False alarm, Doctor Jackson,� the young airman announced as he entered the Infirmary. �Just SG-12 arriving home ahead of schedule. Are you ready to go now?�

Glenda burst through the door right behind him. �Hold your horses there, young man! We have some paperwork to finish up on. Now you just stand right outside there, and he�ll be ready in a few minutes.�

�Yes ma�am,� the airman dutifully complied.

�This is one place I get to be in charge!� The nurse flashed a broad smile and winked. �I don�t really have any paperwork,� she whispered. �I just wanted a chance to say goodbye and wish you luck. So, are you ready to bust out of this place?�

Daniel smiled weakly. �Yeah,� he lied. Part of him was ready to go home, but it felt safer to be here.

�Thank you�for everything,� he continued. He reached over and gently took Glenda�s hand in his.� Thank you for putting up with me and way I acted, and thanks for taking such good care of me while I was here.�

They gazed at one another for a long moment before dropping their hands to their sides. Both of them looked awkwardly at the floor, both caught unaware by the mutual feelings they were sharing. The young nurse continued looking backwards as she made her way to the door. �Well, okay then, I�ll be seeing you,� she murmured quietly. Suddenly she stopped and peeked around the doorframe. �I�m still holding you to that cup of coffee!� she called with a grin. �Next week, when you come in for your checkup!�

�Okay.� Daniel smiled wistfully as he watched her leave. Under normal circumstances, he might think about getting to know the vivacious, attractive nurse better. She was so different than any other woman he had ever known. But he knew it would be wrong to involve her in his life. There were so many issues to deal with that he didn�t think he could handle any relationship for a while. And to ask her to deal with his emotional baggage would be unfair.

The airman returned, interrupting his thoughts. �Are you ready now, Doctor Jackson?�

�Yeah,� he nodded. �Let�s go.�

It was a quiet trip home. Daniel was grateful for the airman�s reticence. He wasn�t really in the mood for talking. There had been enough of that over the last few days to last him a lifetime. The tall, regal pines that lined the path leading from the Cheyenne Mountain Complex seemed to run together, forming a green blur as the car slowly made its way down the winding road. Interrupted occasionally by the slices of life taking place outside of the stately homes owned by the more affluent citizens of Colorado Springs. Children playing a game of tag in the sprawling yards. A yard care worker mowing his grass on a riding lawnmower. A husband and wife dressed in business suits, briefly kissing each other goodbye before hurriedly getting in their cars to leave for work. Daniel felt like a bystander watching people go about their lives. Similar to when he was ascended, but worse. At least then, he had a reason for feeling detached. He was a non-corporeal being, meant to be an observer. But now that he had returned to human form, it wasn�t supposed to be this way. He closed his eyes and listened to the low hum of the motor, trying to suppress the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach.

The airman brought the car to a stop outside his apartment building, and Daniel gave him a nod and a curt �thank you� before closing the door. The taillights dwindled to red pinpricks as the car pulled out of sight.

Taking hold of the large wooden handle and pulling open the heavy glass door, he nervously scanned the lobby. Hoping desperately that none of occupants of the building would be present. The last thing he needed was a chance encounter with one of them. Daniel could only imagine what the rumor mill was saying about what had happened to him. Started by his well intentioned, but somewhat nosy neighbor, Mrs. Walker. He could just hear her high pitched, elderly voice going on about poor young Dr. Jackson and how they carried him out on a stretcher, and oh my, he just didn�t look well at all, his face was just as white as a sheet and he was hooked up to all sorts of machines, and on and on. Daniel didn�t really feel like giving any explanations for his absence. Luckily, no one seemed to be around. Stepping onto the elevator, he let out a sigh of relief. Grateful that the first leg of the journey to his apartment had been uninterrupted

Upon arriving at his destination of the fifth floor, the elevator drew to a stop and the metal doors screeched open. Daniel peeked cautiously around the corner, making sure the hallway was clear. Safely reaching his door, he hurriedly tried to jam his key into the lock, but it didn�t fit.

Damn it!

He was sure he had the right one. Daniel fumbled with the remaining objects and the key ring tumbled to the floor. Bending over to pick up the errant keys, a familiar voice stopped him short�

�Doctor Jackson, Doctor Jackson!�

I was so close�

He plastered on a faint smile and turned around. �Hello, Mrs. Walker.�

When Daniel moved into this new building, he discovered that his neighbors on the fifth floor were an older couple, a businessman who made frequent business trips, and two widows. He thought that it would provide a safe, if somewhat uneventful existence. Able to come and go as he pleased without too many questions. Mrs. Walker and her friend, Mrs. Bartlett, had other ideas, however. They saw in him a son they could take care of. On many occasions, they had taken it upon themselves to bring Daniel meals after he returned from his extended times away, or little plates of cookies, even trying to fix him up with their single daughters. As much as he appreciated their concern, it was times such as these when he would rather be left alone.

The short, somewhat portly woman with the little gray bun approached, her arms outstretched and the ever-present smell of Ben-Gay permeating the air. �I saw you getting out of the car as I was looking out my window,� she began.

Lucky me.

Upon reaching her young friend, Mrs. Walker wrapped her arms tightly around Daniel and nearly smothered him with a hug. �We were so worried about you, dear.�

�Thank you, Mrs. Walker, but I�m fine now.�

�What happened?� she persisted.

�I had a bad reaction to some medication, that�s all.� he lied. �I�m much better now, really.�

�Oh my, that�s terrible,� the older woman replied, patting Daniel�s arm. �What kind of medication was it? What kind of reaction did you have because you know, one time I had a bad reaction too, to some blood pressure medication, and they had to call the ambulance for me. Why don�t you come in and I�ll fix you a nice cup of coffee, and you can tell me all about it.�

�Thanks anyway, but I think I�ll just go in and get some rest if you don�t mind.�

�Of course not dear, but you call me right away if you need anything, anything at all.�

�I will, thanks.�

As the woman made her way down the hallway, Daniel let himself into his apartment. Leaning against the door and blowing out a deep breath, relieved that he had finally escaped the cross-examination. He stood scanning the room, trying to re-acclimate himself to his surroundings. The stark white walls were bathed in the golden hues of the mid morning sun. The place looked more immaculate than he remembered. It felt like it had been such a long time since he had been here. Everything seemed so familiar and yet�

The glint of sunlight on the gold door handle drew his attention. To the right was his bedroom door. It was closed; perhaps someone was trying to shield him from any reminders of the events that had taken place there less than a week ago. Daniel set down his duffel bag and began to take a few tentative steps towards the room, as though he were a bystander at some terrible accident scene. Wanting to see what happened, but at the same time not really wanting to see. Although he had no memory of what transpired, he could only imagine what remnants of the medical attention he had received for his overdose lay behind the door. Reaching for the door handle, he stopped short and shook his head, not ready to venture in there quite yet.

Daniel headed for the living room instead. He walked over to the mantel of the fireplace and began picking up various artifacts collected over the years from around the world, and off world as well. He ran his fingers over the curves and undulations of each piece: a wooden mask from Ecuador, an ancient game piece from an Egyptian pharaoh, a spear from.the Unas home world, a ceramic piece of pottery from a dig in Mexico. He caressed each object and hoping to reconnect to some part of his past life. It was no use. Each item he touched only served to remind him that these possessions belonged to another person a lifetime ago. The pottery slipped from his hand, falling to the floor and shattering into tiny pieces. Just like his life, Daniel mused.

Stepping over the broken pottery, he moved into the kitchen with the hope that maybe if he put on a pot of coffee, it might return a sense of familiarity. Opening the refrigerator door to reach for the can of ground-roasted beans, an abundance of food appeared before him. Everything from cold cuts and cheese to cartons of Chinese food, to a multitude of fruits and vegetables; the space was filled to capacity. So that�s what Sam had to do before she left on her long weekend with Jack. Clean his apartment until it was spotless and stock his fridge. It was just like her to be so thoughtful. He then opened the freezer door and found casserole dishes labeled �tuna noodle� and �chicken�. With Love from Mrs. Walker and Mrs. Bartlett, the notes read. They really were sweet ladies. While Daniel stood momentarily enjoying the attention they had lavished on him, the mist from the freezer drifted into the air, its icy tentacles encircling his head. It reminded him of Oma and his time as an Ascended being. The familiar feeling of nausea rumbled in his stomach. It occurred so often these days, he was almost getting used to it. He slammed the door shut and stormed out of the kitchen.

The summer Colorado sun was shining brightly now, covering the entire apartment in its rays. Too much brightness and a glaring reminder of the world outside. Daniel walked purposefully to the lanai doors and closed the blinds. As he returned to the living room, the ringing of the telephone broke the silence. Before he could reach it, the answering machine picked up.

�Hello, you�ve reached Dr. Daniel Jackson, � the message began. �I�m not available to answer��

Daniel quickly reached over the counter and switched off the machine. After the unrecognized number faded off the caller ID box, he turned the phone off as well.

Nope. Don�t want to talk to anyone or hear anything anyone has to say�

Give up or move forward with your life.

Right now, the former seemed highly preferable.

Daniel headed to the bedroom for a change of clothes. He opened the door hesitantly, afraid of what he might find. To his surprise, the room appeared much as he had remembered it. No signs of his overdose were readily apparent. He reached in to grab a T-shirt and pair of sweats from the drawers and changed his clothes. Knowing what happened there still made him feel slightly uncomfortable. He took a pillow and quilt off the bed, closed the door behind him, and returned to the living room.

Daniel wandered over to the couch and lay down, pulling the quilt around him and drawing up his legs, waiting for the time to pass. Watching the arm of the grandfather clock swing back and forth, listening to the chimes signaling the passing of the hours. Hoping to simply fade into the furniture and away from the world.

He had had enough. Too much talking and trying to work things out. No amount of discussion was going to change anything. Daniel thought that talking with McKenzie would make him feel better; instead it only served in making him feel worse, if that was even possible. He knew in his head that everything that the doctor had said was true. Why couldn�t he shake this feeling of shame and remorse? A sudden pounding on the door startled him, and he quickly raised his head off the pillow.

�Doctor Jackson, Doctor Jackson, could you please come here for a minute?�

Not her again.

Daniel fell back onto the headrest of the sofa.

All I want is to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?

�Doctor Jackson, I need your help with something!� his neighbor persisted.

Mrs. Walker made it sound urgent. Daniel fought with the quilt to untangle himself and threw it on the floor before unwillingly trudging to the door.

He cracked open the door. �What is it, Mrs. Walker?� he asked with a hint of irritation in his voice.

�I know you just got home and I hate to bother you, Doctor Jackson,� the elderly woman began with a hesitant smile. �But I�ve just come back from grocery shopping, and there are a couple bags in my car that are just too heavy for me to carry. I was wondering if could you help bring them up to my apartment?�

I don�t want to go out there�

�Isn�t there anyone else who can help you?�

�Well, to be honest, you�re the only one available to help that�s home at this hour of the day.�

�Oh.� Daniel looked at his watch, it read 2:15. He bit his lip and glanced down sheepishly at his bare feet. �All right, just a minute. Let me put on some shoes.�

After slipping on his tennis shoes, Daniel followed Mrs. Walker down the hall and into the elevator. He shifted his feet uneasily and stared blankly at the opposite wall, half listening as his neighbor prattled on about what a nice day it was and how lovely the weather had been the past few days and how it felt like fall was right around the corner. Nodding politely and interjecting the occasional �uh-huh� when it seemed appropriate. The elevator seemed to move in slow motion. He thought he might just scream if he didn�t get out of there soon. Relief came as the doors finally slid open.

Daniel held the door for the older woman and stepped outside. As they made their way to the car, two teenagers raced by on their skateboards, laughing as they sped down the sidewalk. Across the street, two college-aged students rode their bikes on their way to class. A young couple stood kissing in front of the coffee shop and gazed longingly at each other before going their separate ways. A businessman walked briskly past, concentrating intently as he talked on his cell phone. Life was going on all around him. Daniel hadn�t realized quite how much he had missed all of it.

Give up, or move forward with your life�

Maybe now it was time to start moving forward.

Mrs. Walker popped open her trunk, and Daniel hoisted the bags out and up to his neighbor�s apartment. Once inside the cozy one-bedroom, he set the groceries on the kitchen counter just inside the entryway. �You need anything else, Mrs.Walker?�

�That will be all Dr. Jackson, thank you,� she replied, taking hold of his hand.

Daniel gently squeezed the older woman�s hand and smiled. �No, thank you.�

She stared at him for a moment, looking rather confused. �All right, dear, you�re welcome,� she added, shaking her head.

�See you around.�

His kindly neighbor would never know how much her simple request of assistance had actually helped him in return.

As he stepped into his apartment, Daniel walked back to the lanai and opened the blinds. Walking back towards the living room counter, the blinking light of the answering machine caught his attention. If he was going to get back into his life, he�d better see who was trying to reach him. There were two messages showing. He pressed the button to hear the recordings.

�This is Mary from Dr. McKenzie�s office concerning your appointments next week��

Daniel quickly grabbed the pencil and pad from the end of the counter. He didn�t want to miss those appointments. After writing down the dates and times, the next message played, catching him off guard.

�Hey Daniel, this is Sam. Jack and I are up here at the cabin, and we thought it would be fun to have a barbeque. A little get together to celebrate your getting out of the Infirmary, and just a chance for all of us hang out and relax. Teal�c, Jonas, and General Hammond will all be here. We know you just got home, but if you�re up to it, Jack and I would really love for you to come. Hope you can make it.�

Well, that�s interesting. Jack wants me to come up there? I doubt it.

Daniel paced for a long time around his apartment, deliberating whether he should make the trip or not. As good as it would seem to see everyone outside of the Infirmary, he was sure he�d be constantly under their watchful eyes. And Jack? Certainly any conversation with him would be awkward at best.

But if I�m going to move forward, then maybe I should try one last time�

Daniel threw on a shirt from his bag that was still sitting on the floor, grabbed his keys off the counter, and headed out the door.

The grating of gravel under his tires as he drove up the driveway sounded Daniel�s arrival at the cabin. Dashing his hopes at making an inconspicuous entrance. He stood against the car, staring at the cabin before finally working up the fortitude to walk towards the door. Moving closer, he could hear the sounds of muffled conversations and clanging plates and silverware that filtered through the entryway. After a few moments, he wrapped gently on the wood frame and stepped inside.

All activity ceased. Teal�c sat motionless with a hamburger halfway to his mouth; Jonas had just taken a bite of something and stopped chewing. Sam was pouring General Hammond a glass of water and Jack held a plate mid-air as he was spooning some of Sam�s famous baked beans onto his plate. Everyone sat in silence.

�Hi.� Daniel raised his eyebrows and smiled nervously.

�Daniel.� Sam put down the pitcher she was holding and walked forward. She smiled broadly and put her arm around him, gesturing towards the table. �I�m so glad you made it! Come sit down.�

�Took you long enough,� Jack mumbled under his breath.

Daniel took his place at the table between Teal�c and General Hammond. Jack was seated at the end, across from the General.

�Yeah, sorry. I didn�t get Sam�s message till later in the day.� he apologized

The older man never looked up or acknowledged the comment.

Sam interrupted the uncomfortable moment. �That doesn�t matter, Daniel. We�re just so glad to have you here.�

Everyone resumed their activities. �Yes, DanielJackson, it is good to see that you are feeling better,� the Jaffa chimed in.

�Son, we�re glad you could make it,� General Hammond added, patting the archaeologist on the back. �How are you feeling?�

�Better, thanks. Jonas, how are you doing?�

Daniel noticed that the Kelownan had remained quiet since his arrival. He glanced up from his plate with a half-hearted smile instead of his usual infectious grin. �It�s been difficult. But I�m getting a little better each day, I think.�

�That�s good, I�m glad,� Daniel responded softly. He knew it would take quite a while before Jonas would be himself again.

Sam tried to re-initiate a conversation that had been taking place before his arrival. �So, General Hammond, you were telling us about your granddaughters?�

�Yes I was,� he smiled proudly. Their leader recounted stories about what the girls were doing on their summer vacation, and how a little boy on Kayla�s soccer team had a crush on her. While Teal�c began explaining dating customs on Chulak to Jonas, and Jack and the General continued their discussion, Sam leaned across the table and whispered to Daniel. �Speaking of crushes, Janet tells me there�s a certain nurse in the Infirmary that seems pretty sweet on you!�

Looking down at the table, he titled his head and grinned shyly. �Yeah�Glenda. She�s a nice girl. Very fun to be around.�

Sam raised her eyebrows and smiled expectantly. �And?�

�And we�re having coffee next week, but I think we�ll just be good friends for now. I need to get my life straightened out first, and who knows how long that�s going to take so��

Daniel hadn�t realized that Jack and General Hammond had finished their dialogue, and were listening to the last part of his conversation with Sam. He glanced over at Jack in time to see him rolling his eyes and shaking his head in apparent disgust

The younger man shifted in his chair and sighed in frustration.

Evidently sensing the tension, General Hammond asked Jack about his plans now that he was retired. Teal�c and Jonas were still talking about girls they had crushes on when they were young. Daniel sat back and listened to the two simultaneous discussions. Maybe it was better not to say too much right now. He occasionally shot a glance in Jack�s direction, trying to get a further read on where he stood with his friend, although he had a pretty good idea. The older man never looked his way.

With everyone finishing the last of their meals, Sam stood up and began clearing the dishes.

�Who�d like some dessert and coffee?� she asked. �I made brownies!�

�Chocolate and coffee, two of my favorites,� Daniel grinned.

Sam winked back at him. �I even put walnuts in them, just for you, my friend!�

�Save me some, would �ya?� Jack glared at the younger man. �I need to get some air.� He stood up, pushed in his chair, and walked briskly out the door.

Apparently, that was meant for me.

He got up to help Sam clear the dishes, placing the plates in the sink as she put on the coffee.

�It was a mistake for me to come. Jack didn�t really want me here, did he? This whole thing was your idea, right?�

�Well, yes,� Sam confirmed. �I thought maybe if the two of you got together in a calm, relaxed atmosphere, maybe you could talk. I know down deep Jack really wants to work things out with you. Just give him some more time, he�ll come around,� she reassured.

�Yeah.�

Somehow, I don�t think time is going to help the situation.

�I think I�m gonna go home now.�

Sam picked up the plate of brownies and turned around. �At least stay and have your dessert. I made them just for you, you know.�

�I know, I�m sorry,� Daniel apologized. �I�ve sort of lost my appetite, and I�m really beat. It�s been a long day, and I need to get home.�

�You could always stay here tonight. You could sleep on the couch,� Sam offered.

�Under the circumstances, I�m not sure that would be the best thing to do. Hey everybody,� he called to the remainder of the team. �I�m heading home now.�

�But DanielJackson, Colonel O�Neill and General Hammond have offered to teach JonasQuinn and myself a new game,� Teal�c replied. �I believe it is called Gin. The Colonel has said previously that you are quite skillful at this game. We thought perhaps you could help us.�

Daniel smiled back at his friend. �Maybe another time. I�ll be seeing you around, okay?�

The three men rose from their seats. �We will see you out then,� Teal�c offered.

�No, that�s okay, thanks. You stay and enjoy those delicious brownies,� Daniel answered, gesturing for them to stop and sit down. �I�ll see myself out.�

Sam walked over to the door and touched her friend on the arm. �At least let me send some food with you to take home.�

�Oh, I think you�ve already taken care of that. I�ve got enough food in my refrigerator to last for the next month�or two�or three,� he laughed. Daniel took hold of her arms. �Thank you for that, by the way,� he continued. �Thanks for everything.�

Sam reached up and hugged him. �You�re welcome. I�m just sorry things didn�t work out.�

�Yeah, me too. Give me a call when you get back, okay?�

Daniel stepped outside, quietly closing the door behind him. Walking off the last of the porch steps he stopped momentarily, contemplating the events of the evening. He hated leaving without having resolved things with his friend. But considering what had transpired, he doubted that would ever be possible.

The high-pitched squawking of a bird overhead diverted his attention. In the remnants of the sunset, Daniel glanced upward to see the outline of a bald eagle rising against the fading indigo and magenta hues. He watched as the creature soared majestically across the sky, following its flight until it flew out of sight. His eyes came to rest upon a lone figure sitting in a folding chair on the dock.

Jack.

Why should I even bother?

Before he even realized it, Daniel found himself heading down the path to the lake. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he stood next to the empty chair on the deck. He rocked back and forth on his heels and stared out over the lake, attempting to ease the mounting apprehension. A gentle breeze lapped water softly against the wooden slats and crickets chirped in the background, creating a deceptively serene, idyllic atmosphere. Daniel stared up at the blanket of stars covering the now clear night sky. The man in the moon smiled down blissfully upon them, unaware of the tense scene playing out below.

Daniel cast a fleeting look down at Jack and asked, �Mind if I join you?�

�Suit yourself,� Jack muttered, shrugging his shoulders.

Daniel pulled the chair forward and grimaced as its legs scraped against the wood, breaking the stillness of the evening. He licked his lips and swallowed hard, trying to bring some moisture back to his suddenly dry mouth. �So� � he began, looking straight ahead.

�So��

�Nice evening. I�ll bet it was a beautiful sunset.�

�Uh huh.�

�I can see why you love it here. It�s really quite peaceful.�

�Yep.�

�My neighbor, Mrs. Walker says she thinks fall is right around the corner,� Daniel continued, rubbing his arms. �I think she may be right. There�s a bit of a chill in the air tonight.� He glanced in Jack�s direction, hoping for some sort of reaction.

Nothing.

Shaking his head, he closed his eyes and sighed heavily. �I shouldn�t have come. I almost didn�t, you know. I lost count of the number of times I started to turn around and head back home. And just now, I was on my way out to my car. I wasn�t even going to come out here.�

Silence.

�Damn it, Jack!� Daniel snapped. As he stood up to leave, he pushed back the chair with such force that it fell over. Walking away angrily he added, �You know what? To hell with you! I should have known better than to try ��

He stopped suddenly and spun on his heel, looking directly at Jack. �No. You are not going to do this. You are not going to drive me away. I came up here so we could settle things, and that�s exactly what we�re going to do!�

� �Ole Doc McKenzie tell you to come here?� the older man quipped.

Daniel narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw, staring intently at the back of Jack�s head. �No, he didn�t. Speaking of McKenzie, are you still seeing him because you should be. Seems like you�re still pretty messed up too.�

�Do you have a point?�

�Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. It�s time you listened to me. You�ve had your say, and now it�s my turn.�

�You�re giving the orders now?�

�Shut up, Jack,� he retorted icily.

Daniel took a deliberate step forward, closing the distance slightly between them.

�First of all, I did want to save Sarah on board that ship with the System Lords. But if you�ll remember, Osiris announced that Anubis was there, looking to rejoin them.�

�I read the report,� Jack interrupted coldly. He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.

Is he even hearing me?

�Then you know I had a valid reason for what I did.�

�What do you want me to say, Daniel, that you�re right? Fine, you were right. You always are, aren�t you?�

Daniel took another step closer, punctuating each point with his movement.

�On Abydos, I accept responsibility for giving Anubis the Eye and all that control. I shouldn�t have tried to make a deal with him, and I regret that.�

�Do ya� now?�

�But I am not responsible for what happened to the people there. He would have destroyed the planet no matter what I did. You can�t blame me for that.�

Jack dropped his head and looked down at the wooden slats. �Feel better now?�

Daniel ground a fist into his open palm and exhaled shakily. Trying to resist the urge to storm over and knock the sarcasm out of the older man. He instead moved slowly forward until he was standing even with him, hoping the close proximity might provoke some acknowledgement.

�I did help you.�

Jack sat up slowly and turned his head, his brows raised in question. �Excuse me?�

�In Baal�s cell, I helped you.�

The older man�s forehead wrinkled into a deep-set scowl. �What are you talking about?� .

At least I finally got your attention.

�You�re my friend, Jack��

�Oh, really? If I was your friend you would have done something,� he snapped.

�I couldn�t just let you continue to go through all that, and I certainly wasn�t going to let you die��

Jack jumped up from his chair and pointed angrily at Daniel. �But that�s exactly what you did, didn�t you?� he accused. �You let me die over and over again, and you did nothing to stop it. When I begged you to help get me out of that hellhole, what did you do? You offered me Ascension! You knew I�d never go for that. Was that supposed to be some kind of sick joke?�

I'd go for that?"

"I did it for you."

The bold, yet simple reminder caught Daniel off guard. He looked down pensively at the ground and nodded. "I know." Taking a deep breath, he lifted his eyes slowly and redirected a steady gaze at his friend. �You said all you wanted was a fighting chance. Well, I gave you one.�

Jack scowled and sighed in annoyance. �How�?�

�I visited Teal�c and gave him the idea about asking Yu to attack Baal�s fortress. Then, I went to Yu and persuaded him to help.�

The older man stood silently for a few moments, his dark eyes darting back and forth. It seemed as though this latest admission was too much to process all at once.

�Now wait a minute. When I asked you��

�If Oma and The Others had been listening, I couldn�t be certain what they would do or what would happen to either of us. I wasn�t supposed to interfere, remember? I couldn�t take that chance.�

�But you could have told me after you came back.�

�And you could have told me you were still angry.�

Jack stared at Daniel incredulously.

Then again, maybe not. Not your style, right?

�About what happened with Karen��

Jack turned away and looked up towards the sky, letting out a shaky sigh. �You should have done something, Daniel,� he growled.

The younger man swallowed hard. �I know�believe me, I know. I�ve replayed everything in my mind, and I�d give anything to do it over, but I��

�You can�t,� Jack broke in. �You were a coward, and because of that a good woman is dead.�

Daniel narrowed his eyes and glared intently at the man who had been his friend. �That�s enough,� he retorted deliberately, his tone angrily quiet.

�Oh?�

�I�ve taken about all I�m going to take from you.�

Jack quirked an eyebrow.

�I feel bad enough about what happened, so terrible that I almost died, not that you care."

"Sam told me what happened," Jack replied softly. "How could do you something so stupid?"

Daniel grimaced and shook his head. "Gee thanks. Your concern is really touching."

Jack exhaled an exasperated sigh. �You know what I meant.�

Do I?

Daniel nodded ever so slightly, unwilling to give more.

Jack averted his focus and shifted his weight from foot to foot. The mere mention of the subject was obviously making him uncomfortable, and his minute display of concern took Daniel by surprise.

"I don�t need you laying any more guilt on me Jack," he continued. "I�m not going to let you do it anymore. You�re not the only one who lost someone important to them, you know. I can�t change what happened. It will be with me for the rest of my life, and I have to find some way to live with it. I hope you can forgive me someday, but if you can�t, then all I can do is try to accept it and get on with my life.�

Jack stood quietly for a few moments and stared down at the ground before returning his gaze to Daniel.

�I know what you did wasn�t intentional,� he finally responded, �but I can�t promise anything. It�s going to take me a while to get past this.�

The younger man nodded. �Okay.�

Jack pursed his lips and sighed deeply. �Now, if you don�t mind, I think I�ll be heading back.�

Daniel followed as the older man began walking toward the cabin. �So, you and Sam, huh?�

In the light of the full moon, he could see the corners of Jack�s mouth forming a slight smile.

�That�s great. It�s about time. I�m very happy for the both of you.�

�Thanks�

�You really retired?�

�Yes, I did,� the older man affirmed. "I've had enough, Daniel. I've been through too much, and in order to protect my sanity, I have to get out. Besides, if Sam and I are ever going to have a chance, then I have to do this. So, when are you heading back to work?�

�I don�t think I�m going back. Doctor McKenzie says I shouldn�t make any quick decisions, but��

�He�s right, Daniel,� Jack interrupted. �Give it some time before you decide.�

�Okay.�

�And if you�ll excuse me, I�m going to join that lovely lady on the porch.� As they drew closer, Daniel could see Sam sitting on the porch swing smiling broadly, the light illuminating her already radiant face. Apparently relieved and proud that the two men had begun speaking again.

Jack turned around and called, �I�ll be seeing you around, all right?�

The younger man nodded and smiled wistfully. �Yeah, okay, see you around.�

Daniel watched as Jack bent down and kissed Sam softly on the cheek. He sat down on the swing and put his arm around her. She whispered something in his ear before resting her head on his shoulder. They appeared happy and content.

From inside the house, Daniel could hear the voices and quiet laughter of his other friends. He stood staring at the cabin, reflecting upon all that had happened since that fateful moment on Osiris�s ship. How his failure to act set in motion a chain of events that would inexorably change everyone and everything. The repercussions, for better or worse, would be felt for the rest of their lives. The future was unsure, but now it was time to move on�

He walked to his car, started the engine, and drove away.