Major Samantha Carter paused on the 4th floor landing in front of the large window. Outside the sky was gunmetal gray. The city below hunkered down within itself, enveloped in a curtain of early spring drizzle. She ran her fingers through her short, blond hair and chewed absently on her lip, still vaguely uneasy about why she had ventured out on such a miserable day.

To her left a door slammed, Sam jumped as voices and footsteps rounded the corner. A tall man wearing a hat and a thick jacket approached gesturing rapidly with his hands as he chatted with the petite redhead at his side. They smiled at her without interrupting their conversation. Easing past Sam they jogged down the stairs the sounds of their passage fading with distance.

Sam shook her head and sighed. The man�s gesticulating hands and his rapid-fire speech brought to mind the reason she was standing hesitantly before the window. Down the same hallway was her friend and teammate�s apartment. But the man inside was not the Dr. Daniel Jackson she knew and cared for so much.

It had been three days since they had returned from Abydos having interred the body of Daniel�s dead wife in a traditional ancient Egyptian ceremony. Three days of silence. Until that morning when Sam had finally given in to her concerns and called the archeologist.

His� hello� was subdued, his answers to her questions barely audible murmurs. He had told her he would be back in a week and not to worry, no he didn�t need anything. He did not want to talk. Then there had been silence on the phone, not even a good-bye.

Sam sighed again as she slowly rounded the railing and walked down the dim hallway.

General Hammond had ordered SG-1 to stand down for that week, they were all due for R&R. As was her custom Sam had decided to catch up on some research she had been conducting, after reluctantly turning down a fishing invitation from Colonel O�Neill. Now, as she stood in front of Daniel�s apartment door she wished she had gone with the Colonel for more than one reason. Plastering a smile on her face she reached for the doorbell button and pushed.

A series of chimes sounded from within. Sam listened for the sounds of footsteps and heard nothing. She pressed the bell again and waited, shifting uneasily on her feet feeling conspicuous though the hallway appeared empty. After a long moment she raised a tentative hand and rapped softly on the painted wood.

�Not home?� came a voice from down the hall

Startled Sam glanced up and shook her head. �I saw his car across the street.�

�I see,� the old lady who owned the voice nodded and disappeared into her apartment.

�Okay,� Sam mumbled to herself and knocked more firmly. From beyond the door she heard a stifled curse before it was abruptly wrenched open.

Daniel was dressed in a pair of gray sweats and a blue sweatshirt. Several days� growth of beard shadowed his sunken cheeks and his blue eyes were dark and red-rimmed behind his glasses. �Did I wake you?� Sam stammered, taken aback by his disheveled appearance.

�Wake implies that I�ve slept,� he mumbled in response. �What are you doing here?�

He�s been hanging around with the colonel too much. �I uh�you didn�t sound�� she closed her eyes and took a breath. �I was worried about you.�

�I�m fine, � Daniel held the open door like a shield, his body half hidden behind it, his pale face unusually guarded.

�Okay�� Sam let out a hissing sigh between her teeth. �Can I come in?� �

Why?�

�Why?� She shook her head, catching her lip between her teeth again. Why is this so hard? �Daniel you look like hell.�

�You�ve been hanging around Jack too much lately,� Daniel answered dully before abruptly releasing the door and turning away from her.

Sam winced at the echo of her own thoughts but proceeded into the apartment shutting the door behind her with a soft click.

The small crowded living room was stacked with books, file folders littered the floor and coffee table interspersed with the remains of a half eaten sandwich and several glasses of water. Daniel slumped onto the couch ignoring the magazine that slid to the floor. He did not look at her but instead picked up a small wooden figure and began to slowly turn it in his fingers.

�Daniel?� Sam crossed to an armchair and perched on the edge.

�What?�

Sam blinked and clasped her hands. He had snapped at her. Daniel never snapped. Well that�s not entirely true. Images of Daniel gesturing wildly at a bemused Colonel O�Neill brought a faint smile to her lips. Daniel never snapped at her, she thought grimly, her smile fading. �Daniel I came here because I care, please��

Daniel put the figure back on the end table and raised a placating hand. �Sam just leave it alone.�

�Daniel you need to deal with this�� Sam gestured helplessly her heart ached to see him like this.

�Deal with this?� Daniel�s voice was a harsh, bitter whisper. �And how am I supposed to do that Sam? Sha�re is dead!�

Sam got to her feet and began to pace the room trying to ignore the knot in her stomach. What have I gotten myself into? �Daniel shutting yourself away isn�t going to bring her back,� she pointed out after a lengthy pause.

�I know that.� Daniel bowed his head and closed his eyes. �But right now I can�t see beyond this point��

His voice caught and Sam froze mid stride. Turning slightly she could see him sitting on the couch. He had removed his glasses and drawn his knees up to his chest, hugging himself as he rested his head on them. She could see shimmering streaks of silent tears coursing down his cheeks. He seemed oblivious to her presence and a part of Sam wanted to take the opportunity and run.

She had never dealt well with emotional pain. The burns from a staff blast, the searing, strident streaks of horror delivered by a ribbon device; these were a tangible menace and therefore easier to respond to. But the weeks, months, years of emotional distress brought on by the death of a loved one were too deep, and when she tried to touch them they fled like phantoms into the darkest corners of her mind. The death of her mother and the emotional withdrawal of her father had scarred her in ways Sam had yet to truly understand. Perhaps she never would.

This isn�t about me! Willing her heart to slow Sam crossed the short space to the couch and settled on the edge of the cushions. Placing a gentle hand on Daniel�s back she rubbed slow circles between his shoulder blades.

Daniel gasped and raised his head with a start. His blue eyes were large and dark as he looked at her. �I�m sorry,� he fumbled thickly.

�For what?� Sam hoped her voice sounded more reassuring than she felt.

�I didn�t mean to�� he ran an arm roughly across his face. �I�m not very good company�

�I didn�t come here expecting you to entertain me,� Sam smiled attempting to lighten his mood.

Daniel did not smile back. �It�s just so hard�I didn�t realize how hard this day would be.�

�What day?�

Daniel shifted to face her. �The day I finally had to let her go. I guess I thought I had done that a long time ago.�

Sam nodded stiffly. Sha�re had been gone a lot longer than 3 days. Was that why she had expected Daniel to pick himself up and move on? Gods what was I thinking Her insensitivity filled her with dismay. �Daniel I�m sorry.�

He blinked confusion skittering across his slack features. �I know,� he managed softly.

�No not for what you think, � Sam tilted her head and closed her eyes get a grip here! �I wasn�t thinking about when I told you to deal with this. I mean it�s only been three days I guess I just thought�� she shook her head. �I�m not very good at this�

�No I know what you meant,� he raised his eyes scanning the room before pointing to a picture on a bookcase. �That was taken about a month after Jack left me on Abydos the first time.�

Sam let it drop for now, content to let Daniel lead the conversation in any direction that would distract him. She followed his finger until she spied the photo in a dark wood frame. The picture was of Sha�re walking in a lush clearing filled with orange and yellow flowers. She was dressed in Abydonian robes and cradling a woven basket. The sun had filled her dark hair with copper and mahogany highlights and her teeth were a brilliant flash of white behind full smiling lips. Sam did not approach the photo, sensing somehow that it would be an unwanted intrusion into the life of her friend. Instead she sat close beside him, their knees touching slightly, and she listened to his halting words.

�We were collecting fruit in an oasis about a day�s journey from the temple. The Abydonians rarely went there during the time of Ra. Traveling in the open without permission was discouraged,� he grimaced. �But that all changed, every day was a celebration. I intended to save my film to chronicle my finds in the temples, I guess even then I was thinking at some point that I would come back to Earth�� he trailed off and dropped his gaze to his hands.

Sam saw that they were shaking slightly. She placed a steadying hand on his arm and squeezed. �Go on,� she urged.

Daniel licked his lips and looked up at the photo again. �We were walking back towards the trees and the sun was shining so brightly, like it always was there. Sha�re was talking with one of her friends. She was so animated so alive�� he swallowed at the word. �I just had to take that picture.�

�It�s lovely Daniel and so was she.�

�I couldn�t save her Sam, why couldn�t I save her?�

Daniel gazed at her through moist eyes and Sam felt a brief flash of panic. I don�t know! What does he expect from me? She wanted to tell him something anything to ease his pain. She could feel him shaking beneath her gentle touch and she gripped his arm harder as if somehow that would anchor him against the grief that threatened to overwhelm what little control he still had. �There was nothing you could have done Daniel.�

The words had been said before, they sounded no less hollow now in the eerie silence of Daniel�s apartment than they had at the SGC a few days before.

Sam slid her hand down his arm and clutched his cold fingers in her own. The open grief on his sallow face tore at her. Hot tears sprang against her eyelids and she swallowed hard forcing them back.

Daniel started at her touch but did not pull free. Instead he stared down at their entwined hands for a long time and then slowly brought his eyes up to meet hers.

It was as if the Daniel she knew had been locked behind a transparent wall, just as he had appeared after his exposure to the sarcophagus on P3R636. She could see him lurking, his warmth and innocence shackled this time by grief, overwhelmed and beaten. A sense of helplessness washed over her, now as then, he seemed beyond her reach.

Sam gasped and looked down becoming acutely aware of his hand in hers. He had begun to rub her palm with his thumb, making slow circles. She started to pull away and he made no real effort to hang onto her.

�Daniel?�

He looked at his hand, which now lay limply on the couch between them. �I don�t know what I was thinking Sam I�m sorry.�

�It�s okay,� she hurriedly assured him and then paused, was it? Sam shook her head memories of Machello and Daniel�s brush with death flashed before her eyes. She had sat by his bed pleading with him to hang on. �You can�t die on me now.� Her words rose unbidden, what did they mean, then or now?

She had never told anyone, not even Janet, how she felt sitting alone with Daniel, certain that they would loose him despite all their efforts. She felt torn by the two men closest to her, one of them outwardly strong and often unreadable, though she sensed his soft underside, the other openly passionate and intellectually stimulating. Both of them emotionally wounded, not unlike herself Sam noted.

Daniel�s inadvertent descent into madness had thrown Sam into even greater emotional turmoil. She had lain awake long into the night after he had been taken to the hospital trying to sort out her feelings. The conclusion she reached was not at all satisfying to her clinical mind. She was afraid. Afraid of being drawn into a full-blown relationship with someone who needed to be healed. Not just from the damaging effects of an alien device but from all the grief of a shattered childhood. She had traveled that path before with Jonas Hanson. The experience had left her cold on the whole concept of love and commitment and it had left her wondering what she really expected of any relationship. How could she possibly allow herself to care? Despite her best efforts to distance herself Sam had felt drawn to Daniel. She hoped her feelings would fade as he returned to health, but they had only intensified. Now with the death of Sha�re Sam saw the last barriers to any relationship between them falling into dust and she was more confused than ever.

Daniel had fallen silent and was looking with unseeing eyes towards the window. Sam rubbed her hands on her jeans and rose to her feet. Wandering into the kitchen. she spied the kettle on the stove and filled it with the hose on the back of the sink as the basin itself was filled with dirty dishes. Putting it on to boil she scanned the counter and cupboards until she found a huge jar of instant coffee and a pair of chipped mugs with SGC emblazoned on them. �When was the last time you ate Daniel?� she mumbled.

�Yesterday, � was the soft reply at her back.

Sam jumped; one of the mugs tumbled to the floor and broke apart into several large pieces. �Oh Daniel I�m so sorry�� Sam dropped to her knees and began to gather up the glass.

�Sam what are you doing?�

She looked up and found him staring down at her a small brush and dustpan in one hand. He helped her to her feet and cleaned up the glass before tossing the implements in a corner of the kitchen..

Sam jumped at the loud clatter. �You should eat something,� she chastised him with a small smile to take the sting from her words.

�I�m not hungry.�

They stood in silence listening to the slow build up of the kettle. Above it�s steady hiss could be heard the sound of rain. Lashing the windows in a sudden intense squall.

The kettle screamed and Sam jumped again. Why am I so nervous, what am I afraid of? She busied herself with the coffee and turned to find Daniel watching her. �What are you doing?� he repeated softly.

�I�m making coffee,� she said brightly and felt instantly like an idiot.

�I know what you�re doing I mean what are you doing?� he said with emphasis as he took his mug.

�I�m not quite sure,� she fumbled. �I came over here to see how you were and I said something really stupid and now I feel like an idiot,� she blurted out before taking a hasty sip of coffee. �Ouch that�s hot!�

�Sam you aren�t capable of saying anything stupid, � Daniel denied, a faint smile playing on his scruffy lips.

�I meant about��

�I know what you meant,� he put his mug on the counter and took her hand in his. �It�s okay.�

Sam dropped her eyes to their hands. Tendrils of warmth emanated from where flesh met flesh and radiated inward, No this can�t happen! The thought screamed in her mind even as she placed her own mug on the counter and stepped closer to Daniel. Raising her eyes to meet his she saw beyond the veil of grief and registered a sense of surprise and a measure of welcome. Her heart skipped a beat as she moved close enough to feel the heat from his body through the thin clothing. �Daniel��

He raised a hand and softly pressed her lips closed with a finger. The hand trailed down her arm until it met its� mate. He cradled her hand in his tracing her palm and fingers with slow deliberate strokes all the while his intense blue eyes held her gaze. Dropping her hand to her side Daniel gently touched her shoulder and then her neck before cupping her face in his hands. He caressed her cheeks and Sam felt her heart quicken, do I want this? Is this how I really feel about this man I�ve called friend for so long??

Daniel froze and Sam�s breath caught in her throat.Does he sense my hesitation?

�What am I doing?� he exploded suddenly and bolted from the room.

What have I done? Sam bit her lip and stared up at the ceiling. Didn�t she want this? Didn�t she need to know? Sam groaned inwardly at her selfishness. What about Daniel? He deserved more than this he deserved an explanation. Running her fingers through her hair Sam walked into the living room. Perhaps now wasn�t the best time she mused, but there would hardly be a better one. �Daniel?�

He wasn�t there.

She scanned the room, noting that the bathroom door was open and the small white room was dark and empty. Turning towards the window she spotted him on the balcony beyond, standing in the driving rain. �What the�?� The door to the balcony was in the bedroom. Sam crossed to it and then paused, do I really want to go in his bedroom?

A part of her screamed Yes! Hadn�t she wanted to for a very long time now? Ever since the day she had sat with him in the infirmary and pleaded with him not to die. Since she had watched his slow spiral into madness, until the day he woke up and they had to tell him Sha�re was gone. She wanted to hold him, to comfort him, to heal him�

The last thought sent her slumping into a chair. Was that all it was? Had that always been all it was? The doubts gnawed at her. Is it simply that Daniel is here and finally accessible. It�s been so long since anyone has touched me� �No that can�t be it,� she whispered. Determined to find the truth buried beneath her confusion Sam rose to her feet and stepped across the threshold into his bedroom. The room�s temperature had plummeted due to the open door. Rubbing her arms she crossed the room and stepped outside.

The rain had eased back again to a drizzle but Daniel was drenched. His short brown hair was plastered to his skull and water ran in rivulets off his fresh beard. He did not turn around instead he acknowledged her presence with a shake of his head. �My God Sam what must you think of me!� he whispered.

Sam felt something cold and distinctly unpleasant grip her insides, if you only knew Daniel. �This isn�t your fault Daniel,� she approached him and touched his back, he trembled and she slid her hand around to his arm gently turning him to face her. �Nothing happened,� she reassured.

�Something almost did,� he would not meet her gaze

Sam tipped his chin up with firm but gentle fingers. �What if it had?� did I really ask that question, do I really want the answer?

�What if�?� he trailed into silence, finally meeting her gaze with troubled eyes, �Sam I�ve just lost my wife how can I possibly��

Sam closed her eyes, struggling to form words that would make them both understand what had passed between them. �Daniel I can�t answer your question, only you know how you really feel��

�That�s just it, I don�t!� he turned away. Leaning on the railing he bowed his head. �I don�t know what to think any more,� he took a deep breath. �Sha�re is dead but she�s been gone for so long Sam. I had to distance myself or I think I would have gone insane�and now that she really is beyond my reach I don�t know what to feel, or even how to feel.�

Sam didn�t miss the emphasis of his words. Sighing she went to the railing and leaned on it, her shoulder brushing against his. The wall in his eyes, the bleak tone of his voice, they were his defense against a mind numbing state of being. A state he had plunged into the day Apophis stole Sha�re�s soul. Sam placed a hand on his arm and squeezed it firmly. The exposed skin was cold and clammy beneath her touch and he was shaking though she wasn�t sure if it was from the weather or from the demons that lurked behind his dark eyes. �Daniel I want to help you��

Help, was that what it was?

He looked at her then, his blue eyes wandering over her body like a gentle caress before finally meeting her gaze. Sam gasped at the longing she saw there. Daniel reached for her and pulled her into his arms, bending slightly he kissed her deeply. His tongue probing and searching Sam�s mouth, shooting tingles of surprise and pleasure through her.

Is this what I want?

Daniel trailed his lips down her neck sending brief flashes of fiery pleasure shooting through her limbs. She moved closer to him moving her hands up his back and through his hair liking the feel of the soft wet strands. She wanted to let go, needed to let go! She leaned against Daniel and felt the pounding of his heart against her chest. His breath quickened in her ear and she gasped as he chewed on her lobe. There was no denying the attraction she felt for this gentle troubled man but�

What am I afraid of? Is it something, or someone?

Sam could not name the emotions that swirled up and around her but they cried out for her attention blotting out the pleasurable tingles brought on by Daniel�s tender kisses. He moaned softly against her neck, gently but insistently he was moving them both towards the open door and the bedroom beyond.

What happens once we step over the threshold?

The thought gave Sam pause and she reluctantly pulled back. Daniel urged her forward with probing kisses across her neck and up her jaw line. Sam stiffened, No this isn�t right! I can�t do this until I�m sure that it�s Daniel I want and not simply��No Daniel�we can�t�I can�t!� Sam wrenched herself free her heart slamming in her chest.

�Why?� Daniel�s voice was a stricken whisper as he stared glassy eyed at her. �I thought��

�Oh Gods Daniel I�m so sorry!� Sam buried her face in her hands, unable to look at him. What have I done? I came over here to offer him comfort and support and instead� The thought was too unbearable to finish even in the privacy of her mind.

Sam stood quietly for a long moment staring at the floor when she finally looked up she discovered that he had left the balcony. Horror at her actions sent her stomach flipping as she went inside and closed the door behind her. Not daring to look at the rumpled bed where they had almost ended up she walked quickly into the living room.

Daniel had turned on a lamp. He was sitting on the couch looking wan and miserable in the pale yellow light. Sam crossed to the armchair and crumpled into it, totally at a loss to explain her actions. The silence between them lengthened until it was almost painful to breath.

�It�s Jack isn�t it?�

Sam blinked Daniel�s question fell on her ears like a physical blow. �Why would you say that?�

�Because it�s true�it has been for a very long time.� Daniel picked up the wooden figure he had been playing with earlier and began to turn it again. Over and over it spun on his slender fingers and he stared at it fixated by the movement as he continued. �When we came back from Hathor�s planet you two weren�t the same�something happened inside that complex,� he dropped the figure and met her eyes across the dim living room. �And when the alternate universe Sam came through the mirror��

�Daniel stop�

�Why? What are you afraid of?�

Sam closed her eyes suddenly desperate to block out his words. She had come so close to simply using Daniel! It had been so long since any man had touched her for more than a fleeting moment.Am I really that desperate that I would stoop so low? The thought brought a flood of guilt for what had almost happened moments before.

Is Jack the real reason I can�t make love to Daniel?

Her last long term relationship had been a dismal failure and she was loathe to go through it again, especially with someone as complex as Jack O�Neill. But something had happened on Hathor�s planet, there was no denying it. She hadn�t dared to think, hope, that Jack shared her feelings. Letting in that hope meant opening herself up to a complicated morass of feelings that threatened her emotional stability in more ways than she could name. It had never occurred to Sam that Daniel or anyone else had sensed the change in her. Had the colonel felt the shift in their relationship? If so what could it possibly mean to either of them? The logistics of a relationship with her CO sprang to mind and Sam winced realizing that yet again she was retreating from dangerous emotional ground into a safer clinical state.

Sam opened her eyes and looked at her friend, sitting quietly on the couch, his feet drawn up till his knees touched his bowed forehead. �Daniel I don�t know what to say,� she murmured softly.

�I�m right aren�t I?� he looked up at her. �What were we doing just now?�

�I didn�t come over here to�� She stammered to a halt. How could she say what she was now realizing as the truth?

�I know that!� he assured her �But that doesn�t change what happened out there.� He pointed to the balcony and let his hand drop to his leg with a muffled slap. Daniel reached for his discarded glasses. Looking through them he scowled at the smudgy surface and tossed them back on the table. Sighing deeply he struggled to meet her gaze, �Sam I�m attracted to you, I have been for a long time now but I couldn�t, didn�t act on it because�� he gestured helplessly at the picture behind her head. �You know why.�

Stunned by his admission Sam looked at the floor, the walls, the clutter on the table, anywhere but into his earnest blue eyes. How could she tell him that her actions had stemmed from her selfish desire to feel a man�s touch? Or from an innate need to heal the wounded souls that populated her world?

Outside the rain came down in a punishing rush that rattled the windows, blotting out the fading light of late afternoon. Sam rose and crossed to the window, playing absently with the blind chord. She could feel Daniel�s eyes following her, seeking, pleading for an explanation. Her stomach tightened painfully, will things ever be the same again if I tell him how I feel, if I tell him I made a mistake by letting him get too close, by touching him�

Sam caught her lip between her teeth. She owed him that much, she knew. �Daniel I thought I wanted that�� she gestured at the balcony. �I do find you�attractive and I thought out there when we were so close that I was ready, that I wanted something more but�� she stumbled into silence, hugging herself against the sudden chill that radiated from within. How cruel is this? How absolutely pathetic! �I shouldn�t stay.�

Daniel met her halfway to the door, his hand firm as he guided her back to the couch. �But�� he prompted.

Sam looked down at her folded hands and shook her head. �I don�t know. That�s the problem! I mean I enjoy your company and it�s been so long since I�� she froze realizing what she had said.

Daniel had heard the implication and he pulled his hand from her arm as if burned. �Was that what we were doing? Filling a need?� his voice dropped to a whisper. �Was that all it was for either of us?�

Dare she hope that he saw things in the same vein that he needed to be held as much as she did? Or was that just guilt talking? �I can�t believe I would ever use anyone that way, least of all you,� she murmured. He looked as stunned as she felt and instantly Sam knew that what had or hadn�t happened would never go beyond the moment, for either of them. �Daniel��

�No I understand and I guess I�m guilty of the same thing really, not a very nice thought,� he sank back onto the couch and closed his eyes with a sigh. �I suppose there is an upside to this. At least we�re comfortable enough with one another to think that it was at least possible.�

Sam nodded slightly, suddenly remembering to breathe. �I guess� Silence reigned in the small cluttered room. The kind of oppressive quiet that could only come after such an awkward moment, �Daniel are we really okay?�

�I hope so,� was the hushed and not altogether reassuring reply.

Sam closed her eyes and listened to the rain pounding on the windows.

* * *

Daniel closed the door and leaned heavily against it.

Sam had stayed for another half hour, vainly trying to make small talk as they sipped their reheated coffee and watched the storm slowly subside. Now she was gone and he was exhausted with the effort to fathom what had really happened.

The events of the last week spun through his mind bouncing about in the darkness that had descended there. Bright flashes of happier times with Sha�re and a life that now seemed idyllic bliss occasionally pierced the gloom before fading to be replaced with the oppressive reality of the situation. Daniel groaned, sometime in the last half hour his head had started to pound.

He stumbled into the kitchen and turned on the overhead light. �Oww� The glare sent sparks shooting across his vision as he fumbled in the cupboard for the Advil and a glass.

Back in the living room he sat on the couch. Leaning his head against the worn cushions Daniel closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the city, which had returned now that the rain had finally stopped.

What had possessed him to act on his heretofore hidden attraction to one of his closest friends? Was it as she herself implied, simply because they were lonely? Daniel shook his head and wished he hadn�t as the blood roared in his ears. Was either one of them capable of using anyone that badly? Would it have been so wrong if they had made love knowing why they were doing it?

The thought sent shivers racing down his back. He had wanted her so badly. The feel of her hand in his, her soft touch on his back, the taste of her�

�Yes,� he murmured, his own voice sounding oddly out of place in the quiet apartment. It would have been wrong for them, perhaps other people could have gone on without qualms, but Sam was special even if he was not.

Voicing his denial gave it substance but didn�t make it any more bearable. Daniel got wearily to his feet and wandered into the bedroom and out onto the balcony. Down below streams of cars passed by, small light encrusted bugs that trawled the street amidst a fog of exhaust fumes and kicked up spray. He leaned on the railing feeling utterly alone despite the press of humanity all around him.

�Daniel are we really okay?�

Sam�s tentative question echoed in his thoughts. Will we be okay now that this �event� had happened between us? Daniel took off his glasses and ran a troubled hand through his hair.

Was she really talking about us?

His hand paused and dropped listlessly to his side. The last hour had brought any fantasies he had ever had about him and Sam to a close, but it had opened up a whole new chapter for her. Is she really unaware of how Jack feels? The thought was ludicrous to Daniel, how could she not see? Daniel groaned as the direction his thoughts were taking was finally made clear to him. He had known and yet he had been willing to go ahead, to make love to Sam if she had allowed it. What kind of friend would do that?

Cut yourself some slack it�s been a hell of a week!

But did that excuse his actions?

Daniel turned from the balcony rail and walked purposefully into the bedroom. He tore his still damp clothing from his body and tossed it into the growing pile in the corner. Hunting in the dark for clothing he grabbed the first articles that touched his fingers. Swiping his keys from their place on the dresser he took his jacket from its� hook and headed out of his apartment before he could think himself out of what he had to do.

He had driven halfway across town when he remembered that Jack had gone fishing for the week. Somewhere in the haze that was his recovery from Ammonet�s attack and the funeral, Jack had told him he was going away and had asked him to come. Daniel had refused, he hated to fish and more than that he knew that he would be an emotional disaster area. A condition that Jack found distinctly uncomfortable despite the soft side they all knew he had.

Daniel pulled to the side of the road. Where should he go now? What should he do? A fleeting image of him seated on a barstool with a tall mug of untouched beer before him brought a small smile to his lips. That would never work! He pulled back into the busy rush hour traffic and continued as before. Hoping Jack would be home, but now at a total loss for what he would say if he was.

The hulking form of Jack�s pick-up truck could be seen parked squarely in the drive as Daniel rounded the corner. He slowed to a halt and parked on the street. A single light glowed in what he knew was the kitchen window and the eerie blue glow of a TV reflected off the drawn blinds of the large bay window off the living room.

Daniel removed his glasses and gently massaged his throbbing temples. The stress of fighting traffic had only added to the pain. Grimacing he replaced his glasses, and zipped his coat as he climbed from the car and strode up the brick walk to the front porch. As he raised his hand to knock the heavy wooden door opened and Colonel Jack O�Neill stood before him.

�Daniel?�

�Yeah�um hi.�

�You okay?�

Daniel sucked in a calming breath and shook his head. �Um no, not really.�

Jack stepped back and gestured. �You want to come in?�

He nodded silently. Shedding his coat on the bench in the foyer Daniel stepped past his friend into the cozy living room . Jack had lit a fire and Daniel went to stand before it. Rubbing his hands against the inward as well as the outward chill. He heard Jack walk behind him into the kitchen. The fridge door opened with a soft sucking noise and the clink of glass was heard. Footsteps padded back into the living room and he felt the cool dampness of a bottle against his skin. �Um no��

�Relax Daniel it�s water, � Jack turned off the TV and settled onto the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

Daniel opened the proffered water and took a long swallow. Jack was watching him silently through lowered lids, slowly sipping his beer. He edged closer to the fire and put the water bottle on the mantle. �It�s funny, now that I�m here I don�t know what to say��

Jack�s eyes flicked to the fire as it popped and crackled. �You don�t have to say anything if you don�t want to,� he answered softly.

Such was the nature of their relationship Daniel mused as he held his hands in front of the flames. Their mutual concern for the Abydonian people and the shared experiences of working in the SGC program had allowed them a certain level of understanding and respect.

Daniel swallowed hard. He valued the friendship and the emotional well-being of the man who sat so calmly before him. He had watched Jack struggle to overcome the devastation of Charlie�s death, only to be reminded of it via the Crystal manifestation of his son and later the bio-engineered Reetou child. Each new experience brought fresh grief and a degree of distance that concerned Daniel. He firmly believed that Jack had finally closed the door on that painful chapter of his life but in so doing he had also built a wall around his heart.

Could he let Sam in? Was he capable of feeling what was so obvious to Daniel, especially after what had nearly happened in his apartment a scant two hours before. Daniel took his water from the mantle and crossed to the armchair that faced the fireplace. Lowering himself into it he studied the flames through the bottle, watching them dance and shimmer in the glass. When he looked up Jack�s gaze had shifted back from the fire and he was watching him expectantly.

Daniel smiled inwardly. For all his hard-nosed exterior Jack was a sensitive person and it hurt him to see his friend in pain. �I thought you were gone,� he ventured.

�Too cold to fish, � Jack grimaced and took a swallow of beer,

Daniel nodded and took a deep breath. �Sam came to see me� Something warm and tender flickered in Jack�s eyes at the mention of the major but he said nothing as Daniel continued. �She wanted to see how I was doing?�

�And you talked her ear off just like you�re doing to me?�

�Not exactly.�

Jack�s eyebrows rose slightly at his denial. �Go on,� he urged quietly as he regarded his now empty beer bottle.

Daniel licked his lips and drained the last of the water from his bottle. His headache throbbed to life as he considered how to respond. �We were talking about Sha�re,� he winced at the name. �I was telling her about this picture I have��

�The one on the bookcase?� Jack guessed. He got to his feet and gestured for Daniel to continue as he headed for the kitchen.

�Yeah that one,� Daniel affirmed as Jack snatched another beer and returned to his place on the couch. �Anyway we were talking and I was�upset. Sam started rubbing my back�and then we were in the kitchen holding hands�and�� he trailed to a stop feeling distinctly foolish, like a child explaining his actions to an impatient parent. When he looked up Jack was staring at him. His friend�s eyes had gone blank, unreadable and Daniel cringed. What must he be thinking? Daniel hurried on anxious to stop the images forming in Jack�s mind. �We were on the balcony and �we kissed�but then we didn�t��

Jack�s relief was visible though he tried hard to cover it. Daniel sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. Jack didn�t need to know why they hadn�t made love and if he were truly honest with himself, Daniel realized he really wasn�t in a position to explain it to either of them. Neither he nor Sam had actually said that there was no future for them but Daniel knew she could never consider a relationship with him beyond friendship. He would have to accept it for his own peace of mind and for Jack�s sake he would have to bury any thoughts of it deep within himself.

Daniel opened his eyes and studied his friend's profile in the orange glow of the flames. The lines in Jack's angular face were highlighted by the smudgy shadows thrown by the firelight, dark brown eyes invisible beneath slightly bushy brows. His jaw slowly ground from side to side as he trained his gaze fixedly on the flames, avoiding Daniel's eyes. "Jack?"

�What?�

"We didn't do anything," he reassured.

The tension did not leave his friend's face as he turned and faced Daniel.�Why?�

The blunt nature of the question did not surprise Daniel, but the raw emotions etched in Jack�s features sent his heart jumping into his throat. If he hadn�t been completely sure of his assumptions when he spoke to Sam he was now. Jack was jealous and he was hurt that either Sam or Daniel would consider any sort of relationship beyond friendship, let alone act on it.

Daniel sighed heavily and got to his feet unable to face the intensity of his friend's silent stare. Jack had a way of making people squirm without ever having to speak. Daniel had never been on the receiving end of such a forceful look from his friend and he found it more than a little unnerving. He paced the length of the living room and stopped before the French doors that opened onto the deck at the back of the house. �There are a lot of reasons,� he murmured softly.

Jack�s reflection shifted in the glass but his gaze never left Daniel�s back.

�Sam isn�t in love with me�it would be wrong�just wrong,�

�Did she say that?�

Daniel flinched at the note of desperation he heard in his friend�s voice. �Not in so many words,� he admitted. He looked at his feet and then back up but Jack had slipped silently from the room. Daniel stood for a long time listening to the crackle of the fire and the occasional splashy grumble of cars passing on the wet street.

Jack�s simple question brought months of internal speculation into specific relief for Daniel his friend cared for Sam, beyond the realm of CO and subordinate. A half hidden smile, a stolen glance a brief touch of a hand. Glimpses of feelings flashed through Daniel�s mind like still photographs. He found himself in awe of the fact that Sam had not seen what was so very obvious. Or perhaps she had and was too scared to admit it? Daniel bowed his head swallowing hard.Admitting her feelings would leave her vulnerable to the same kind of pain I�m dealing with! Tears sprang unbidden to his eyes. Daniel took a few deep breaths, struggling to get a handle on his emotions before he went looking for Jack.

When he had stilled the shaking in his limbs and calmed his breathing Daniel walked up the stairs and down the short hall to Jack�s bedroom. The door was open and he could see through to the double doors leading out onto the deck. His friend was a dark silhouette against the smattering of stars just visible through the breaking cloud cover. Daniel proceeded through the dark bedroom, stifling a curse as he stubbed his toe on the bedpost. The door was ajar and he gently pushed it open Jack acknowledged his presence with a stiffening of his posture and a slight bow of his head. Daniel rubbed his arms against the creeping dampness and went to stand by his friend. �Jack we couldn�t go through with it because of you.�

The older man turned slightly his face unreadable in the darkness.

�What happened on Hathor�s planet?�

�You were there,� he answered roughly, his voice thick with the emotions he was hiding.

�What happened between you and Sam?�

�Nothing.�

�Come on, Jack.�

�Daniel why do you want to get into this right now? Don�t you have enough to deal with already?�

There was genuine concern in Jack�s voice and Daniel accepted it gratefully but he could not back away. �No I don�t really want to get into this but I couldn�t let what happened, or rather what didn�t happen, go. I had to tell you that and I guess I have to know why it couldn�t work for Sam and I. What held her back?"

�Did you ever think she just wasn�t interested?�

Daniel blinked rapidly the rebuke chipping away at the fragile control he clung to.

�I�m sorry Daniel, � Jack placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. �I didn�t mean that really.�

Daniel nodded stiffly not trusting his voice. Knowing the reasons why Jack was lashing out didn�t make it any easier to deal with. He licked his lips and moved down the deck until he was in the corner with his back to Jack as if somehow that short distance would make the words come easier. �Jack, Sha�re has been gone for 2 and a half years. I wanted to wait for her and a part of me lived for the moment I would find her again, a big part of me! Every time we ran up against the Goa�uld I thought that somehow some way they would lead me to her and we would be together again. But there were days I thought I would go insane! The waiting the hoping, it wears on you�Sam was always there, with a smile a kind word, she�s a beautiful person inside and out.� Daniel shrugged his shoulders. �I fell for her, I didn�t want to but I did. In her own way I think she fell for me too, at least for a little while.�

�But you said you didn�t�� The voice at his back was a pained confused whisper and despite his own fragile state Daniel felt for his friend.

�We didn�t,� he repeated quietly. �Because she�s not in love with me and being lonely isn�t enough of a reason for either of us.�

�No I guess not.�

Daniel recognized Jack�s answer as far more complex than it sounded but he chose to let it lie. Clearly Jack was just as perplexed by his own feelings as Daniel was. There was no point to digging any deeper, at least not now. Daniel slowly turned around to face his friend. �What happened, Jack I need to know.�

Jack sighed heavily. �Come on lets go back downstairs.�

It wasn�t really an answer but Daniel followed willingly hoping for more. They went back to the living room and Jack added another log to the dwindling fire. He got another beer from the fridge and offered Daniel the same, this time he did not refuse. Sitting diagonally across from one another in the comfortable living room Jack cracked his beer and took a long pull. �You read the report?�

It was more statement than question but Daniel nodded affirmation as he took a hearty swallow of beer. The dark brown liquid burned his throat but he welcomed the spreading warmth as it hit his stomach.

�Well I didn�t write down everything that happened when Sam found me.�

�You didn�t?� Daniel stifled a belch. �What did you leave out?�

�Officially Sam found me and defrosted me, we blew the facility and got the hell out of there just in time to rescue your sorry asses and that was that. �Jack drained his beer in two long swallows and set it on the table...

�But there was more wasn�t there?� Daniel prompted.

�Yeah,� Jack continued to look at the dancing flames, his voice a monotone. �Hathor discovered the Tok�ra and surprised Carter, she was using one of those hand devices,like Ammonet used on you.�

Daniel shuddered remembering the pain the Goa�uld had caused. Ironically one of the most agonizing experiences of his life was tainted with the bittersweet joy of one last moment with the one woman he had truly ever loved. �Poor Sam,� he murmured softly, Jack continued on as if he hadn�t heard.

�I came to about that time, I grabbed Hathor and threw her into the Cryo-vat and then I just collapsed. I was so cold and Sam was there�� he shook his head smiling faintly at the memory. �We hugged Daniel, she asked how I was and I told her I was chilly but otherwise okay, then she told me about Trofsky and all the SG teams who had come to rescue us. It was all business and yet�it wasn�t.� He turned finally bringing his eyes up to meet Daniel�s questioning look. �I was just so glad to see her, I couldn�t believe we were both alive and in one piece. I never wanted to let her go.�

Daniel nodded slightly, the memory of Sam�s warm skin so close to his, the smell of her hair as they kissed drifting to the surface of his thoughts and slowly fading at the look he saw in Jack�s eyes. For the first time in years there was genuine emotion in the brown depths, a hope for something new and precious. I can�t take that away from him. Daniel shivered slightly and downed his beer in two long swallows. Ignoring the bitter taste he relished the heat that spread through his limbs. Even if I could, I wouldn�t.

Jack had said very little but it was enough for Daniel to understand all that he had seen in the intervening months since their narrow escape. He didn�t need to know more, time would tell.

The mingled joys and sorrows that made up his life for the last 5 years played through Daniel�s mind as a kaleidoscope of colorful images. In the hush that had fallen between them Daniel heard Sha�re�s voice interspersed with the soft hiss and pop of the wood. Heard her laughter in the chimes of the mantle clock as it tolled the hour. He looked up at the stonework above the mantle and saw the prison on Chulak, where Sha�re had been changed from his gentle loving wife to a creature of evil, incapable of compassion. Daniel dropped his gaze to the table beside him. A small square Japanese Sand Garden was placed in its� center. A variety of colorful rakes arranged neatly around the edges. The sand varied in shades from gray to rich deep brown. �Just like Abydos.�

�Huh?�

�Oh sorry, I didn�t realize I said that out loud,� Daniel whispered. He indicated the Garden with a wave of his hand. �It remind me of Abydos�I was thinking about Sha�re.�

�Daniel for what its worth I wish things could have turned out differently.�

�So do I, � Daniel shifted in his seat. Bowing his head he picked up one of the rakes and drew slow spirals in the sand. Thoughts of Sha�re and their life together had brought him nearly to tears again and he struggled to hide it, unwilling to put himself or Jack through another emotional catharsis like the one induced by Shyla�s sarcophagus.

�Daniel?�

�Yeah?� Daniel mumbled into his chest.

�It�s okay�you don�t have to hide how you feel. You�ve lost her all over again, and this time for good. I can�t imagine living through Charlie�s�death�again. Though I�ve come pretty close I guess�� Jack fell silent.

Daniel swallowed the lump in his throat and looked up at his friend. Jack�s face had relaxed into a wistful expression, his pale smile tinged with sadness. He rose and went to the mantle. There were a scattering of objects on the dark polished surface one of them was a photograph of a child. Charlie, Daniel now realized, as he watched Jack pick up the picture. He traced the face of the smiling youngster with long elegant fingers that trembled ever so slightly. Sighing deeply Jack replaced the picture and walked into the kitchen.

�Damn.�

�What?� Daniel turned at the mumbled curse.

�I�m out of beer, � Jack pushed the fridge door closed with his foot and walked back to the couch settling down with a grunt.

Daniel turned away and watched the fire for a time. The warmth and peace of his home with Sha�re seemed like a distant dream, a fantasy that couldn�t really have been part of his reality. �Jack?�

�Huh?�

�Does it ever get any easier? I mean it feels like I�ve lived this nightmare for so long. I want to wake up, I need to move on.�

His friend did not answer his gaze firmly fixed on the fire. Daniel shifted in his seat. Perhaps there is no end? Only a gradual fading until the pain of loss became a shroud that colors ones life but does not smother it.

�I never considered what I would do if she actually died,� voicing the thought sent a shiver crawling down Daniel�s back. �I just assumed I would find her, and everything would be okay�but it�s not.�

�It will be� Jack murmured, his voice steady and reassuring.

�How do you know? I mean ever since the day Apophis�took Sha�re it feels like I�ve been walking down a dark tunnel. Each day it got darker and darker and now that she�s gone I look around and its like��

�I know Daniel�God I wish I didn�t, but I do, � Jack dropped his eyes to his tightly clasped hands, the only outward sign of the inner pain he wrestled with. �When Charlie�died� he swallowed hard at the word. �I thought I would go nuts. I wanted to die and the Abydos mission seemed the perfect way to go�but then everything changed,� He looked up a determined look in his dark brown eyes as he locked gazes with Daniel. �There was something to live for. I found out I still had fight in me and moving on became more important than letting go.�

�But how do I do that?� Daniel rose and paced the gap between the chair and the French doors. Where do I go from here? �Sha�re was the reason I�ve fought so hard against the Goa�uld. The hope that we could go back to the life we had��

Jack�s voice dropped to a whisper as he came to stand beside Daniel. �She�s gone Daniel.�

The statement rang with a finality that Daniel could no longer hide from. Swallowing the lump in his throat he scrubbed roughly at the fresh tears that stained his cheeks. Beyond the glass the sky had cleared and the stars were drops of pure brilliance shooting shafts or iridescent fire through the darkness.

Jack walked from the room and returned with Daniel�s coat and his own. �Come on, � They proceeded up the stairs and back out onto the deck off the bedroom. Jack drew a chair up to the telescope he had mounted on a permanent base off the porch railing. He leaned forward peering into the lens and slowly adjusting the knobs on the side of the long silver shaft. Eventually he slid from his seat and gestured for Daniel to take his place.

Daniel settled into his seat and looked into the lens. The telescope was focused on a single bright star, which winked a pale bluish green. �What�?�

�The name of the star isn�t what�s important here.� Jack admonished gently. �When I think about Charlie �or when what we do every day gets to be�too much. I come up here and I look through that lens,� Jack sighed. �I look for the light Daniel.� He placed a hand on Daniel�s shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. �Everyone fears the dark and sometimes there doesn�t seem to be any way out of it but when I look up there I see�light. The future all there for the taking and I find a reason to go on, to get up in the morning, � his face lit with a lopsided grin. �Of course there are a lot of reasons to get out of bed in the morning��

Jack�s words were not eloquent but they were warm and sincere, a glimpse into the carefully sheltered soul of a man that Daniel felt privileged to call friend. The firm pressure on his shoulder was like an anchor and Daniel clung to it as he leaned forward again and gazed at the single star.