�O�Neill do you require assistance?�

Jack scrubbed chilled fingers across his clammy forehead and blinked in a vain effort to focus. Do I�? �No.�

�Are you certain?�

Just go away! He bit back the automatic retort with effort. Teal�c was trying to be helpful. It wasn�t the hapless Jaffa�s fault that he had made friends with a bottle of Whiskey over the last few hours. A decision he now regretted with the fervor that could only be found in the dull throb and cotton mouthed harbingers of a burgeoning four-alarm hangover. �I�m fine, T. Go home, the cab is waiting.�

The larger man stood uncertainly on the top step of Jack�s porch. Soft frosted light spilled across his broad shoulders. Darkening the inky shadows cast by the brim of his hat, and hiding the heavy countenance completely. After a moment, Teal�c tilted his head, the whites of his eyes coming into view as he studied Jack�s sorry state. �You appear unwell.�

We�re moving beyond appearances at hyper speed my friend�Jack mused darkly as his stomach roiled. �I just need some sleep��

Teal�c stepped down and sank one booted leg calf deep in the fresh snow, �If you are certain��

Gods yes! Hot acid boiled at the back of Jack�s throat and he swallowed hard. �T��

�Very well.�

The Jaffa turned away as Jack fumbled frantically for his house key. The small silver object was attached to a ring, which was the only thing that saved it from plummeting to the slick steps and sliding into the snow. The ring would be difficult enough to retrieve in the fresh powder when sober, impossible in his current state of inebriation. He fitted the key into the niche and nearly choked on a threatening burp as the lock clicked and released. A wave of nausea dimmed the world to crackling pinpoints as Jack wrenched the key loose and lurched into the suffocating warmth of the house�s dark interior. The ring slipped from his weak grasp and landed with a teeth-jarring rattle on the floor. Abandoning it, Jack stumbled through the empty house. He found the bathroom purely on the instinct of self-preservation. Blood pounded heavily in his ears as sudden dizziness forced him to his knees. He flipped open the toilet lid and lost the contents of the last three hours into the dark porcelain void.

Cold sweat popped across his hairline and poured salted trails down his tense back. Jack clutched the sides of the toilet and gasped into the darkness. Somewhere in the back of his muzzy brain, his subconscious was laughing. Beyond the overwhelming disgust at having been physically ill rose gales of maniacal giggles at his rampant stupidity. He coughed thickly, clearing his throat as copious release evolved to spasms of dry heaves that shot stars across his vision. Oh for cryin� out loud�Yeah this was a great idea. Merry Christmas and happy fuckin� New Year! Gradually, the tremors subsided and he was able to sit back against the cold tile wall. Wiping a shaking hand across his mouth, Jack stared sightlessly up at the dark ceiling.

�Teal�c, Jonas, and I were going to O�Malley�s to grab a bite to eat. We would really like you to join us, Sir.�

�Why?�

�Huh?� Carter blinked her large, blue eyes clearly puzzled. �Why?�

�Is there an echo in here?�

�Because we�re hungry,� Jonas supplied helpfully.

Jack glared, unduly irritated by the hinted grin lifting the corner of the Kelownan�s lips. The why was obvious, at least to Teal�c and Carter. I appreciate the sentiment, but�He nodded stiffly towards Sam. �I don�t do holidays��

�We are aware, O�Neill. This is not intended as a celebration, merely a chance to�� Teal�c searched for the word and continued after a moment with the ghost of a smile. ��Unwind after a difficult mission.�

Jack snorted derisively at the memory. The sound rebounded off the tiles, eliciting fresh, stabbing pain behind his throbbing eye sockets. Jesus, Holy god�

�I don�t think so, but thanks��

�Sir�� Carter�s touch was brief. A cool tingling pass above the prickled skin of his forearm. He dropped his eyes to the spot where flesh met flesh and bit back a heavy sigh. She continued in a faint, tentative tone. �We could all use the break��

Spending the evening bonding with SG-1 would usually be a pleasant diversion, but things had changed markedly in the last few months. He could sense them drawing closer, protecting his healing psyche from the lingering effects of Baal�s imprisonment and the remnants of Kanan. It was uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of such attention. Jack had always been the protector. Submitting to weakness, acknowledging the need for comfort went against the basic tenants of his nature.

He blinked, breaking the tenuous almost tangible connection between Carter and himself. I want to�dear God�I want to sit in a corner of the room and watch you play pool and whip the local boys� country asses. I want to watch Jonas grin and flirt and catch that secret smile as you gently, but firmly reject his overtures. I want to hear Teal�c�s murmured comments as he struggles yet again to understand the crazy traditions known as the �Christmas season�� I want to smile, and laugh� and cry. The latter caught Jack off guard. He coughed to stifle the bitter sigh clawing up his dry throat, and made a decision that would surely lead to regret. �Yeah, I guess��

Oh yeah, great idea�

Jack eased onto his side and stretched out, laying his cheek against the cold floor. The grit coated linoleum smelled faintly of plastic and ammonia. He swallowed a threatening burp and struggled to think beyond the pounding in his skull.

I can handle this� The silent resolution was formed with the certainty of the dammed. Jack stepped from his truck and waited impatiently for Sam to park her Volvo. He could feel Teal�c eyes resting lightly on his numb cheek. He had been under constant, silent scrutiny for the entire drive down the mountain and into the controlled chaos of Christmas Eve in downtown Colorado Springs. The Jaffa was a master at monitoring his surroundings and retaining the gleaned information with utter clarity. Being the object of such intense observation was more than a little disconcerting.

Jack crossed his arms and leaned heavily on the truck. Behind him, the car�s engine died and the doors creaked. Jonas� excited voice puffed into the chilled air. His tone and words filled with the animation of the curious and the innocence of a child. Jack swallowed a groan.

The people on Jonas� planet had several religions, but nothing akin to a Christmas tradition. The concept was completely foreign and endlessly fascinating to the young man. Daniel had approached each new culture with similar enthusiasm. The reminder was painful and filled Jack with renewed resentment for the Kelownan. The rational side of his brain had forgiven Jonas� part in Daniel�s �death�. Ultimately his friend had made the choice. In the laboratory, in the dream state before Ascension, and in Baal�s cell Daniel was responsible for his actions and inactions: no one else. The facts held little weight in Jack�s current state of emotional fragility, however.

�O�Neill?�

�Huh?�

�You seem�distracted.�

�No, I�m fine.� He covered the lie with false cheer, gathering Carter and Jonas in with a wave. �Let�s eat!�

What utter crap. Jack pushed up from the floor and staggered to his feet. The dim interior of the bathroom spun alarmingly. He blinked cold sweat from his eyes and stumbled into the bedroom. The rumpled sheets and blankets were indistinct brownish humps in the pale, amber light seeping beneath the drawn shades. He collapsed in their midst and threw a clammy arm across his brow.

Just kill me now�

He picked at his steak and listened half-heartedly as Jonas prattled on about the history of the Santa Claus myth. Carter was trying her best to look interested and sneaking occasional worried glances in his direction. Jack forced down another bite of beef and chased it with a healthy swallow of Whiskey. Sometime in the last half hour he had gone and picked up the bottle from the bar. Teal�c raised an eyebrow and Sam dared to frown when he reclaimed his seat. He glared in response.

Yes it�s stupid and you both should know me by now�

It would have been a refreshing change to actually get angry, instead of drowning his discomfort in ice and liquor. But he didn�t have the heart to completely ruin the evening. Jonas at least was having a good time.

�What about you, Colonel?�

Huh? Jack blinked. When did I become part of the conversation? �What?�

�I was just asking Major Carter what she did for Christmas. Special traditions. Do you�?�

Do I? I did� He swallowed the last of the Whiskey and put the glass down with too much force. �No� not anymore.�

�Oh.�

A tremor passed over Jack�s frazzled nerves. He leaned back in his chair and jammed one shaking fist into the pocket of his trousers. �I used to�when I was married�� The words slipped out leaving him cold and weak with remembrance. He glanced up, relieved and saddened to catch Sam�s eyes. They were large and gleaming, reflecting the Christmas lights slung in the rafters. She nodded fractionally, and he bit back a gasp when her hand strayed onto his quivering leg beneath the concealing edge of the table. �When my son was alive�we did a lot of stuff��

�I didn�t realize�� Jonas fell silent.

Why should you? Jack cleared his throat, concentrating on the comforting warmth of her hand. �It was a long time ago.�

�I see.�

I doubt it. Jack straightened and poured a fresh glass of liquor. The pressure on his leg increased and then slowly slid away. He took a bracing swallow. The loss of her touch left a physical ache in its wake.

Please� The thought remained unformed as his brain and heart desperately scrambled to articulate the need.

Jack moaned into the stifling silence of the empty bedroom.

The evening steadily disintegrated as the level of whiskey in the bottle sank towards the tabletop. Jonas made no further attempts at conversation with him. Choosing to socialize rather than suffocate beneath a tide of memories he could only guess at. Jack regretted his candor and the heavy woolen blanket it tossed over the already strained evening. The past could not be helped, however. The festivities surrounding them only added to the gloom.

The oppressive nature of his mood eventually forced Carter to abandon him, albeit temporarily, to Teal�c�s tender mercies. The choice to participate or wallow left in his lap. Jack watched her do exactly what he had predicted. A good ole� boy with a streak of chauvinism acres wide was clearly displeased at being put in his place by the Major�s magic fingers. Teal�c convinced the fellow to sit down. Jack took in the exchange with a drunken smirk on his sallow face. Slouching deeper in his chair as whiskey and worry left their mark on body and spirit.

I should go home, this is no good.

Jonas moved to the bar and tried to make some headway with a chubby redhead seated at the corner. The woman laughed softly at something he said and patted him good-naturedly on one well muscled arm. Jack winced, and struggled to swallow his annoyance with a whiskey chaser. The Kelownan did not deserve his ire, sullen looks and muttered comments. Jonas had done his best to please everyone from General Hammond to the janitors at NORAD. He was owed relaxation. The unique pleasure of trying to enjoy the holiday with the wonder and innocence of a child�

Jack coughed thickly and rolled to a sitting position. Vertigo dimmed his vision to sparkling pinpoints. He ran chilled fingers across his throbbing skull and over his neck, kneading the taut muscles as he fought the obstinate wash of unwanted memories. The pictures coalesced on the hard gray walls of his subconscious, heedless of bitter fears. Images of happiness that he had refused to examine for countless years. Time was meant to bring peace, and the ability to appreciate the good and release some of the horrors that populated one�s recollections. At least that�s what everyone said. Jack gingerly shook his head and stared blankly at the curtained French doors.

It was a lie.

This business of moving on; letting go, forgiving and forgetting, accepting what you can no longer change� Complete and utter nonsense.

�Sir? Are you okay?�

�Carter,� he murmured hoarsely. Lost in painful reverie, Jack had not seen or heard her approach. Now she was sitting close beside him, her presence warm and reassuring and unaccountably disturbing. �Something on your mind?� The words emerged with stunning clarity considering the alcohol and the time of day and year. Did she notice?

�No, but apparently there�s something on yours.�

Jack flinched at the assumption. Apparently she had. He swallowed the automatic urge to lie and glanced at her.

Sam had changed to civvies before leaving the mountain. Beneath her lined leather jacket she wore a red angora sweater trimmed with tiny snowflakes at the wrist and neck. The material clung to the curve of her hips and breast, and Jack felt a tingle in his groin as he truly looked at her for the first time. Black slacks and stylish ankle boots clung to her shapely legs, drawing his eye from the floor to her lap. He watched her hands balling a paper napkin as she waited patiently for him to reply.

�I�m fine, Carter, don�t hover.�

She bit her lip. �I know better than that and I�m sorry��

�For what?� Warning bells sounded. Reverberating across his raw nerves as she shifted in her chair and their knees bumped.

�I should have told Jonas to forget it. I know how hard this time of year is for you��

�But you didn�t.� The words came out in a biting whisper, pain temporarily overriding rationality. Jack straightened up. She was trying to catch his eye and he strove to avoid that probing stare with increasing desperation. �I should go home��

�I thought it might be easier after everything�s that�s happened.�

Everything?

Jack pushed to his feet and walked to the doors that opened onto the balcony overlooking the backyard. Cold radiated through the thick glass and heavy curtains, chilling his fingers as he nudged the cloth aside and peered out. The wind had picked up and snowflakes were swirling in wispy funnels above the drifts that banked the back fence, and humped across the clear stretch between the house and picnic table. Condensation frosted the glass, obscuring the view. He wiped it away with an irritated grunt. The sky was clear above the glittering lawn. Stars twinkled, blinking in and out behind the clouds of wind tossed snow.

What had happened? Then or now? He shook his head and leaned heavily on the doorframe before pushing away and allowing the curtain to settle back into place. Everything was an all-inconclusive term. Sam was referring to Baal and the Sarc and the lifetime of horrors carried out during his brief imprisonment. Or Wodan and the freakshow of misfits Nirrti created. The stark disbelief and creeping terror as they faced mortality yet again, death and regret� Jack rubbed his arms against the inward chill. Everything meant far more than she could possibly know.

He wandered into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his sweaty face and then returned to bed. For too many years Christmas had been filled with maudlin memories. A time to wallow instead of a chance to enjoy the only family he had left. Jack lay back on the sheets and pulled the crumpled comforter over his hunched shoulders. Tonight was just another bead on a string of sorrows.

Light?

Jack blinked and raised a hand against the brilliant yellow glare spilling across the bed. What the hell?

�Hi, Jack.�

Dear sweet Jesus! He sat bolt upright as the light dimmed to a tolerable glow. �What are you doing here?�

Daniel crossed his arms and leaned against the frame of the bedroom door. �I was in the neighborhood.�

�Yeah, right.� His stomach clenched uneasily as reality, or something like it slowly dawned. �No seriously, what the hell are you doing here?�

�Relax, its nothing like the last time.�

�I�m relaxed!� Jack protested.

�If you say so.�

�Wait a minute�� Jack stood up and turned around, amazed and concerned by the seemingly healthy state of his overtaxed body. �I drank enough whiskey to sink a submarine last night��

�This is last night,� Daniel replied mildly as he eased away from the door and walked into the room. �Have a seat.�

�I think I�d rather stand thanks.�

Daniel shrugged. �Suits me.�

Jack watched his friend circle the room. Daniel paused by the nightstand and flipped over the book resting there. He winced as dust floated into the air. Jack smirked, half expecting a sneeze. He had not turned a page in two months. The curious archeologist moved on to the half open closet door and peered inside. The objects within glowed faintly as he glanced through them. The dull rasp of hangers on the metal rod made Jack�s hair stand on end. He folded his arms and fingered the chapped flesh of his elbows as Daniel drifted towards the bathroom.

�I would ask how you�ve been keeping yourself but�� Daniel raised an eyebrow and wrinkled his nose. ��It seems pretty obvious.�

Jack rolled his eyes. �Did you stop by for a critique?� He was past curious and working his way rapidly towards annoyed. �Daniel��

�What�s the matter, do you have another date with that whiskey bottle?�

Jack stared nonplussed. They had argued many times in life, even a few in death� �I was sleeping, Daniel,� he pointed out in a level whisper. �You woke me up.�

�Easier than it sounds, I�ll have you know.� The younger man sat on a chair beside the bed and regarded Jack from beneath half closed eyelids. �I was hoping things would be better for you this year.�

�You want to tell me how you arrived at that bit of logic?� Jack sank onto the bed and stared at the floor through laced fingers. In truth he didn�t want Daniel, or this booze induced wraith, to tell him anything. Screwing up was a full time job best done as a single. Self-pity an activity not fit for the social scene. He looked up, expecting to be alone despite the persistent glow that washed the color from the short nap carpet beneath his bare feet.

Daniel shook his head. �I�m not going away.�

Crap� �So?� he prompted irritably.

�I could��

�What!� Jack snapped.

�Tell you, but it might be easier to show you��

Now what is that supposed to mean? �Daniel, I�m really not in the mood for this��

Daniel laughed softly. �What, no shoes through the chest this time?�

�Funny.�

�Not really, and I�m quite serious��

Jack groaned and lay back on the bed. �Look, for some odd reason you�ve decided to make a housecall. Fine, dandy in fact, but I could give a tinker�s damn. I know I�ll have one whale of a headache tomorrow for my troubles, so I might as well get started. Merry fucking Christmas, now get the hell out!�

�Jack?�

He ignored the query. The glow beyond his clamped eyelids shifted, diminishing and then returning with painful intensity. Jack buried his face in the pillow, coughing at the stale, rancid smell of his own breath. �Go away!�

�I�m sorry about what happened with Baal, but I couldn�t do anything. You do understand that, right?�

Do I? Jack had chosen not to analyze the events in Baal�s fortress too closely. The whole experience left him frighteningly numb and empty in a way he dare not explain, even in the privacy of thought. With the support of the Air Force, McKenzie forced a certain level of candor. But even he knew where to draw the line. He authorized Jack�s return to duty with reluctance, his assistance and advice limited by the unprecedented nature of the situation.

Picking up the pieces of his life had allowed a certain distance. He could move forward, so long as the details of how and why the Blending occurred remained in the obscurity of memory. Daniel�s question brought the past to the fore with stunning force. Jack stifled a gasp as the shock hit him anew. Yeah, Daniel I do� He struggled with the lie, nearly gagging as the words clogged his suddenly dry throat. �I do��

�You�re lying.�

Jack bristled. �You�re pretty ballsy for a fucking ghost,� he spat.

�I�m right.�

You are� There was no sense in asking how. Jack rolled over and slitted his eyelids. �Can�t you tone that down a bit?�

Daniel shrugged. �You have something against light? Or is it reality?�

�Screw you.�

�I can accept that you�re angry. If the situation were reversed, I would feel the same. But don�t lie to me about it and stop hiding from the truth.�

�Which is?� Jack challenged icily. Despite his most fervent desires, Daniel refused to fade back into the woodwork. His continued presence hinted at more powerful forces at work, or the world�s worst hangover. Further conversation, even if he were only speaking to the wall, was the only way to sort out which. Jack released a weary sigh and sat up slowly, still holding the pillow in his sweaty palms. �You were saying?�

Daniel snorted and shook his head, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. �You can never make it easy on a person, can you?�

�Why start now?�

�True enough.� He looked at the ceiling for a long moment before continuing. �There�s more going on here than Christmas blues, isn�t there?�

An icy shiver prickled the flesh on Jack�s bare arms. He rubbed the pimpled skin, not daring to meet the younger man�s questing gaze. �Maybe��

�You�ve reached the end of your rope? The last mission nearly went sour and you�ve had enough? Giving up?�

�Facing that reality you�re preaching about,� Jack retorted wearily. �The road ahead is shorter than the one behind, that�s all.�

�No, it�s not.�

�Am I stuck in a time loop? Because the last time I checked there was a lot more silver than brown on my head.�

Daniel sighed, his voice tinged with exasperation. �There�s more than age involved here��

�Oh?� Words of protest crowded into his arid mouth. Jack bit them back, striving to rein in the anger that threatened to overwhelm him. This had to be a dream, a hallucination of the highest order� But would his subconscious be so daring? He sighed deeply. �So what if there is? What the hell difference would it make at this point? Who would it hurt if I walked away?�

�You can�t be serious.�

�Can�t I?�

�You�re a lot smarter than that.�

The words from the cell echoed between them, charging the air with a frightening energy. �That�s where you�re wrong,� Jack murmured thickly. �That�s what you�ve always failed to see�� A tremor rippled the length of his spine, and he clenched the pillow with tingling fingers. Real or imagined, Daniel had heard what he had always tried to hide from himself. The sense that no matter what he did it would never be enough. Family and friends would continue to suffer and die in spite of good intentions. Wanting and having the best for everyone concerned were mutually exclusive goals. You could not achieve the latter without sacrifice, and by virtue of that sacrifice someone deserving invariably lost. �Reality has never been a problem. Now go away.�

Daniel walked to the bed and sat down on the edge. When he spoke the words were gentle, but filled with resolve. �You�ve accused me for years of skewed vision. Seeing only what I wanted to see and not the harsher light of truth. Your version of the world is just as twisted my friend, it�s time you realized that.�

Jack raised his head, frustration and grief bubbling forth. �What do you want from me, Daniel?�

Within the burnished light that bathed his features, Daniel�s eyes burned cobalt fire. �I want to show you something.�

The glow that surrounded the bed began to grow and change. The light thinned, washing the furniture and floor in a translucent stain of gold and copper hues. Details merged and separated, casting the familiar in a haze of shadowy forms lacking linear definition. Their edges evolved into arcs and depressions tinted with brassy highlights. Jack rubbed a hand across his eyes. The effect remained. Twisting and turning his world into dizzying nonsensical shapes, until he was forced to lie back and close his eyes.

�Dad?�

Ice flooded through Jack�s body, catching his breath mid gasp.

No�

It had been years since he had dreamed of�

�Dad?

No�

Daniel, how could you?

A small hand rested on his arm. The soft fingers squeezed and then slid down to his hand. They cupped over his clenched fist, tenderly fondling the scars and calluses on his knuckles. Jack forced himself to breathe, concentrated on drawing air into his shrunken lungs.

Daniel, make it�him�go away�

�Dad?� Warm breath tickled his ear and bathed his cheeks. �Wake up.�

Jack swallowed hard, tasting fear and bitter tears.

No�

He opened his eyes.

Charlie�

His son grinned shyly. �Geez, Dad, I thought you�d never wake up!�

I was�I am�dreaming� �Charlie?�

�Yeah?�

Jack drank in the small face. A mischievous sparkle lightened the deep brown eyes, and Sara�s sweet smile lifted the corners of the pouted lips. The rounded cheeks were creased with familiar dimples and the shock of brown hair that fell in straight lines across the creamy forehead� The form before him radiated the innocence only his son could possess. Jack bit back a sob, forcing grief and gratitude to the back of his mind. He sat up and grasped the child�s frail shoulders. �Who are you?�

�Dad!� Charlie protested petulantly. �We don�t have time for this!�

�Answer me!� he demanded, giving the child a forceful shake. Surprise and a touch of fear blossomed in the bright eyes. Jack ignored the urge to comfort. He tore his gaze from the obstinate apparition and glared frantically around the changed room. �Daniel!�

Silence.

�Dad?� Charlie whispered.

�What?� He continued to scan the haze. Where are you, Daniel? Son of a bitch, this isn�t fair! How could you�Jack trembled as a feather touch brushed his cheek. Panic fluttered in his chest, gradually overwhelming the rage that had nestled there. He took a deep breath. �What,� he repeated quietly, still unable to look at the impossible being clutched in his numbed fingers.

�I have to show you something, please.�

The voice changed, drawing Jack�s restless attention. The figure was the same, but the innocence had left the chocolate gaze. Replaced by a wisdom and intensity far beyond Charlie�s nine years. The transformation was striking and drove Jack�s thudding heart into his throat. He shook his head violently and abruptly released the child�s shoulders. Suddenly the thought of touching, accepting, this�phantom� as reality was overwhelming. He needed to think.

Jack got up and paced the floor from bed to doors. The fact that he felt perfectly normal, if a little detached did not surprise him. Somehow Daniel had suspended time or reality, or both. But this� He turned, catching sight of the child standing by the bed. He had discovered the pad of paper and the pen Jack kept next to the phone, and was drawing. Curious in spite of his misgivings, Jack paced closer and peered over Charlie�s shoulder.

A Christmas scene was taking shape. A curtained window trimmed with garland, a door with a wreath. After a moment, a blocky tree emerged. Squares and rectangles populated the floor beneath it, some wore scraggly bows others were clean white blocks. The child drew a couch and a chair and stick figures standing around the tree.

Three figures.

Charlie looked up, catching Jack off guard with a painfully brilliant smile. �Do you remember?�

�Yeah,� he whispered hoarsely. �I remember.�

�Take my hand.�

Every instinct screamed protest. This cannot be happening, Charlie is dead! And yet� Jack looked down at the proffered hand. The small fingers were cupped slightly, the skin flushed pink. His arm rose involuntarily, bringing his hand to rest on the squared shoulder of the child. He marveled at the feel of the red cotton and the warmth that radiated through it. Muscles rippled beneath his touch as Charlie shifted closer. Jack released a shuddering sigh and allowed his hand to slip down the bent arm. His fingers trailed across the veins and sinews of Charlie�s wrist. Lingering over the reassuring throb of life.

You are dead�

Denial slipped away as his fingers enclosed Charlie�s hand.

His son tugged him towards the table and pointed at the drawing. �Come with me.�

�I can�t,� Jack whispered softly, desperately into the void. I want to more than anything in this world�

Charlie turned, his soulful gaze drawing and holding Jack�s moist eyes. �It�s okay, Dad.�

The muted colors of Jack�s bedroom suddenly intensified, and a pulsing roar blocked out the reassuring murmur of Charlie�s voice. Beige, cream, red, gray, blue, and gold; the world was a riot of dazzling hues. He gripped his son�s small fist, drawing strength from the tangible sensations of knobbed bone and pliant flesh. The bed and the table twisted before his eyes. Morphing their shape and colors, until a couch and Christmas tree appeared in their place. Jack turned and discovered a window where his closet and bathroom doors had been. Sunlight spilled through the open curtains and splashed onto the polished wood floor below. The penetrating white noise gradually dissipated as his surroundings solidified. The strains of nearly forgotten carols filled the air. Words of peace and friendship rose and fell, forcing a lump into his strangled throat. The smell of bacon and fresh baked pastry tickled his nostrils. He sniffed appreciatively, the scents adding texture to the images and sounds.

�Dad, are you coming?�

Jack spun around. His eyes going automatically to the stairs that he knew would have replaced the bedroom door and wall. A younger version of Charlie bounded into view. His quivering form clothed in Spiderman pajamas. He stood before the mountain of presents, eyes gleaming as he rubbed his hands together.

The hand in Jack�s jerked slightly and he glanced down. His son was laughing at his younger self and looking slightly embarrassed. �Baby jams.�

�Huh? Oh, those!� Jack grinned in response. Only a grown up child of nine would consider Spiderman pajamas pass�!

�Mommy!� young Charlie wailed impatiently.

�I�m coming, hold your horses!� Sara walked down the steps belting her blue cotton robe. Jack gasped softly. At her throat was a silver heart pendant. A gift he had given her in the wee hours of the morning after they made love.

�She loved that pendant, she still has it.�

How do you know? He swallowed the question, longing for, yet terrified of the answer.

�Wait for your father,� Sara admonished gently as young Charlie reached for a foil covered box.

�Daddy!�

Jack felt a flush of dismay color his sallow cheeks as his Alter strolled into view wearing a Santa hat and sporting a garland wreath around his neck. �I�m here, let�s get this show on the road!�

Young Charlie tore into the present. A truck emerged amidst the chaos of glittery paper and ribbon that shortly covered the floor. The child clutched the silver and gold toy and leaped onto his father�s lap. �I love it! Sam has one just like it!�

�Cool,� the Dream Jack enthused. He draped an arm around Sara�s shoulders and drew her close against his chest. They watched, sharing kisses as their son found the largest box hidden behind the tree.

�Dad, this is from mommy and me!�

Jack blinked and rubbed a clammy hand across his face. His fingers came away damp. He stared at the glint of moisture that coated the callused tips. Tears? When was the last time I cried? The answer churned his stomach and he pushed it forcefully aside. No, not here! This is not the place! Charlie stepped closer and leaned against his leg. He dropped a hand to his son�s hair and stroked the fine strands. The silent reassurance gave him the strength to shift his attention back to the scene playing out before them.

Young Charlie tugged on the box and the tree shuddered as he bumped the stand.

�Charlie, let me help you please��

�I got it!� he replied indignantly.

Sara smiled and sank back against her husband�s chest.

Jack felt a tingle of remembrance as she snuggled against the Alter. She had taken a shower after their early morning �activities� and smelled faintly of cinnamon and roses. It was an odd combination, which he recalled as utter heaven whenever he sat close beside her. Dream Jack bent his head and kissed her temple, murmuring softly in her ear. She laughed, and Jack�s heart clenched in jealousy.

How can I envy the past?

The question lingered as young Charlie finally pulled the box into the center of the room. �Open it, Dad!�

The Alter chuckled softly and leaned towards the box. �Only if you open another one of yours first,� he teased.

�Okay!�

�Oh geez!� Charlie groaned

Jack smiled at his son�s chagrin. �You don�t remember being that excited.�

�Sure I do,� the child murmured soberly.

The voice and tone were completely at odds with the childlike form Jack perceived. He sensed the wisdom and shrank from the nagging feeling that this was more than an alcohol induced trip down memory lane. Or Daniel�s idea of a sick, albeit not entirely unpleasant, joke.

Young Charlie unwrapped an odd shaped gift that turned out to be a Soccer ball in a box. He laughed and pulled on the cardboard carton with a determined grimace. �Come on, stupid thing!�

�Give it to me, son.� Dream Jack reached for the ball.

�Jack, watch this,� Sara prompted quietly. The Alter looked up, his eyes never wavering as Charlie ripped the wrapping off a long, flat box.

Cars and loops of racetrack were emblazoned on the front of the carton. Young Charlie finished removing the paper and paused. His brown eyes widened and a toothy grin dimpled the flushed cheeks. �Cool!�

�Oh wow, neat. When did you get that babe?�

�The same day I bought this.� She indicated the large container at their feet.

�Open it dad!�

�Okay, okay!� The Alter put up a calming hand and pulled the box closer to the couch. �Well it�s big��

�Open it, I wanna� see!�

�I think you were more excited than I was,� Jack commented sotto voiced.

Charlie nodded against his leg. �Mom never found out, but I saw it in the closet before she wrapped it.�

Jack snorted, �Why doesn�t that surprise me?�

His son grinned.

Dream Jack was slowly pulling the tape off the corner of the box. Young Charlie watched impatiently, his quivering body shifting from foot to foot. �Dad!�

�I�ll get there,� his father reassured with a small smile. �Have patience.�

�He�s six,� Sara reminded.

�True.� The Alter continued his methodical unwrapping. The tape tore some of the glitter from the red foil, but otherwise left it intact.

�I swear you could drive a saint crazy,� Sara commented after five minutes of careful work had only released one end of the paper.

�Why do you think I always had the last present at Christmas?� Dream Jack replied, unphased by their impatience.

�Dad!�

�Alright already!� He threw up his hands. �You win!� He ripped the sparkling paper from the box and stared. Struck utterly speechless by the picture.

�You like?� Sara asked anxiously.

�It�s perfect��

�It�s perfect,� Jack repeated the younger man�s words and released a shuddering breath. �It was the nicest thing anyone had ever given me,� he continued wistfully.

Charlie tugged on his arm, drawing his attention. �I remember. Do you remember showing me how to use it?�

The recollection was pure fire. Jack repressed a tremor as joy crumbled to ashes. �We spent hours in the backyard,� he murmured distantly. �Just looking up at the sky.�

�You used to tell me that Grandma O�Neill was watching us.�

�Yes.�

�You told me that someone had spilled the big dipper and that�s where the Milky Way came from. I laughed every time and so did you. Do you remember, Dad?�

�Charlie��

�Do you?� he insisted.

The small hand rose up and grasped Jack�s chilled fingers. He stared at the fleshy bond, fighting the burn of repressed tears. �Yes,� he managed. �We laughed a lot� but you�re gone now��

�I�m still here. Just as the crystal tried to tell you. I�m here, inside of you.� Charlie spread his free hand across Jack�s chest.

His heart hammered in response to the comforting pressure. An eerie mirror of the Crystal entity�s attempt to touch his heart and mind with the same message of hope.

I want to believe, I need to feel you again. I�ve missed you.

His inner voice was ragged, raw and bleeding with the emotions that strove to break free.

�She will always be a part of you too.� Charlie�s voice drew him outward, away from the painful, consuming maelstrom. Jack shook himself and stared transfixed as the scene morphed for a second time.

The sunlight flared and died into dusk beyond the window. The colors deepened and darkened, taking on the distinct red and orange glow of firelight. Young Charlie�s tinkling laughter faded as his form disappeared. Jack trembled at the departure and Charlie squeezed his fingers. Sensing the sorrow. He swallowed hard and focused on Sara and the Alter seated on the couch.

Their faces were cast in bronze by the flames crackling fitfully in the fireplace. Bits of glittering tinsel clung to their clothes, picking up the multicolored dazzle of the Christmas tree. Dream Jack stroked long fingers through Sara�s hair and kissed her eyelids. �Thank you,� he murmured as he bent to nuzzle the slight rise of her cheek.

�For the telescope? I was just hoping I got it right��

The Alter laughed softly and kissed the corner of her mouth. �Not the telescope�� He fumbled for a moment and Jack ached in empathy. �Thank you for today�for everything. Charlie and�us��

�Oh that!� She smiled and grasped her husband�s probing fingers. �You�re welcome, now and always.�

Always�

Jack turned away and stared at the ceiling. Sorrow and regret clawed at his twisted insides, leaving him cold and desolate. �No more, please� I�ve hurt her enough� I can�t� relive this�� he begged softly.

�I have to go now,� Charlie murmured.

No�

A dull ache exploded in Jack�s chest. He spun around and dropped to one knee, desperation strangling his dry throat into silence.

Don�t leave� I�

The words refused to come. He pulled his son close and inhaled the fresh scent of his hair and the baby soft skin.

I didn�t mean to push you away�not now�not then�.

�It�s okay, Dad,� Charlie whispered. Small hands stroked through Jack�s hair and encircled his neck as he trembled uncontrollably. �I�m always with you.�

The body of the child shimmered and softened within his grasp. Jack sat back and stared wide eyed as the form of his son blurred and brightened. Rainbow hues cascaded over his shoulders and between his fingers. Melting and fading to a translucent haze.

no�NO�NOOOOO!

He closed his eyes and bowed his head in mute acceptance.

Silence enveloped the dark room. Pressing down upon his curled form and sucking the air from his lungs. Jack pulled in a shaky breath, fighting the cloying grip of bitter tears.

What just happened?

�Jack?�

What� He looked up, startled by the familiar tone and address. This has to be a dream�nightmare� God, let me wake up!

Daniel stood in the bedroom doorway. His body encased in a muted golden aura, which barely penetrated the midnight gloom. He uncrossed his arms and stepped further into the room, a slight smile on his lips. �Are you okay?�

No� �Why did you do that?� Jack growled icily. The vulnerabilities stirred to life by Charlie�s appearance pushed him to his feet. He stood trembling by the bed, fists clenching uselessly. How does one attack a wraith? Defend against a being once called friend who could bring about such pain? �Why!�

�Because you needed to remember.�

�Do you remember, Dad?�

�Not like that!� Jack grated. �I didn�t need to go through that. You of all people should know��

�Yes, I am uniquely qualified, I too have regrets.� Daniel interrupted. He remained calm, seemingly undisturbed by Jack�s bluster. �Charlie was the most logical person��

�He�s dead, Daniel!� The words exploded between them, shattering the still, hot air. �My�child� dead because of something stupid and totally preventable��

�You didn�t listen to a word he said, did you?� Daniel reproved gently.

No you�re wrong�I heard every word� Jack licked his lips and stared at the floor. �I heard,� he whispered desolately. �I saw�� It hurt so much� Sorrow gripped his heart and stifled the air into noxious fumes that burned down his dry, swollen throat. He swallowed hard, attempting to draw the vestiges of self-control into a tight, useful bundle. They fell away, leaving him bent and broken. A fraction of the young man who had enjoyed the long ago Christmas with such unfettered joy. �That�s not who I am��

Daniel sat on the bed. �It�s who you were.�

Jack sank down onto the edge of the mattress and bowed his head into his hands. It was true. There had been a time when he could not have imagined life any other way. He was consumed by the overwhelming necessity to protect and defend mother America against foreign aggressors for a single, higher purpose, the safety and happiness of his nuclear family. The desire had cracked and splintered with the chilling report of a single gunshot.

�Don�t you see? Charlie has not forgotten who you used to be,� Daniel continued. �As long as you remember him, a part of you will always be that person. To deny that part of yourself is to lock him out. To forget that time and to shut off any chance of ever revisiting a semblance of that existence.�

What if I can�t�He fought the urge to voice the question. If Daniel were a figment then the entire experience was merely a manufacture of his fractured subconscious, seeking release in logic. Further inquiries would prove only one thing, he had finally lost it. The safer explanation was that Daniel was actually sitting on the bed. However illogical the premise appeared, it did offer some emotional succor. The carefully modulated tones of solace, the slight heat of flesh and bone were incontrovertible evidence of reality. Could his senses be trusted? Jack looked up, carefully searching the younger man�s open features and earnest blue eyes. There was no doubt or deception lurking in those cobalt depths, only sadness and lingering wisps of hope. Jack sighed deeply. �Do you honestly think I could forget my own child?�

�No I don�t, and neither does he. But for years you have overlooked what Charlie brought to your life. Allowed yourself to think that the war, the fight, is all there is or ever was. And now you�re tired and you see nothing more��

�Daniel��

�I know you as well as anyone, maybe better�� He fell silent for a moment, allowing the unspoken reference to form and dissipate like so much polluted air. �There always was more to you than you let people see. Even now you shut out who is most important. They need to be a part of your life, Jack. Let them help you remember��

�Why? So they can feel as lousy as I do? So Carter�� The name slipped free and fluttered to the floor on leaden wings. Jack clenched a fist and pounded it silently on one trembling knee. Forcing the air in and out of his lungs by willpower alone. He had never dared, not even in dream... Somehow it was wrong to give vent to the feelings he kept so carefully hidden. As if speaking would give them the final burst of energy required to become irrevocable truth. �I can�t do that,� he concluded dismally.

Daniel shook his head and stood up. �I can�t force you to understand. But others know your worth, even if you refuse to see.�

�Meaning?� Jack queried wearily.

The archeologist quirked an eyebrow and offered a wan half smile. �Wait for it��

Jack closed his eyes. Resigned to the journey Daniel insisted upon. In the morning things will be clearer� He shivered. Won�t they?

The world brightened, raising a tracery of veins across his closed lids. Warm air fanned his cheek and lifted the hair plastered to his neck and scalp. The scent of roses and the lilt of birdsong rode the comforting breeze, tantalizing and teasing his shattered senses. Jack licked his lips and cautiously opened his eyes.

�Hello, Colonel O�Neill.�

�Lya?�

The Nox woman smiled softly. A halo of greenery surrounded her petite form. Flowers and twigs were woven into the cascade of ashy, lavender hair spilling over her shoulders. She stepped forward and offered a fragile hand. �Come with me��

�Why?� The urge to question, the instinct for caution was ever present. He stood and pivoted slowly, taking in the altered form of the bedroom with an air of clinical detachment. It wouldn�t do to let her get too close, if in fact he had any choice in the matter�

Beyond the misted edges of the summer glade Lya inhabited, he discovered a landscape shrouded with snow. A road wound a black ribbon between the rise and fall of drifts and crevasses that butted the pavement. As he watched, a lone, silver car crested a distant rise and drew nearer with the speed and silence of dream. Jack suppressed a tremor of unease as recognition dawned. He reached involuntarily for Lya�s small hand and enclosed it in firm grip. �Where?�

�Listen,� she admonished in a comforting singsong. �You will see.�

The scene accelerated, propelling them forward with a sickening rush. The edges of his vision blurred to transparent rainbows. Earth and sky shimmered, gray and white changing into a dazzling array of colors, which seemed to hum and glow with life. Jack staggered, his body impacting heavily with Lya�s. The Nox woman touched his shoulder, her form warm and solid by his side. �Do not be afraid��

I�m not�

The inner denial sounded weak even to him. Jack bit his lip, seeking the tangible iron tang of blood and flesh as an anchor against the ever changing scenery. Liquid warmth flooded his parched mouth. He glanced at Lya, chagrined by his obvious distress. She nodded fractionally and redirected his gaze with her free hand.

Jack gulped a steadying breath and refocused on the interior of Samantha Carter�s silver Volvo.

She was concentrating on the twisted roadway. Her face a blank mask, an obvious attempt to hide her feelings from the anxious passenger seated to her right.

The man shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with the silence. �Sam?�

�Yeah?�

�You�re worried about him, aren�t you?�

�Who?� She murmured.

Jonas rolled his eyes and fingered his small chin. �It�s okay. You don�t have to pretend for my benefit.�

�I�m not pretending anything,� Sam denied with a nervous chuckle. �What are you talking about?�

�The Colonel.� She stiffened and he sat up straighter. Small brown eyes roamed across her flushed cheeks. Seeking and finding confirmation in the set of her jaw and the brief, bright flash in her blue eyes. �I know.�

�Do you?� she whispered.

�It�s obvious��

�Oh?�

�At least to anyone who is close to you�� he fumbled for a moment. �I mean has spent a lot of time��

�I get it,� she concluded, offering an encouraging smile. �It�s not that simple, Jonas.�

�Things like this never are.�

She tilted her head and glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. �Things like this?�

Jonas grimaced and looked out the window for a long moment. �On Kelowna we have similar rules regarding fraternization amongst our military personnel, the concept is hardly unique and it has a logical basis��

Jack glared at the Dream Jonas. Briefly overwhelmed with hurt and anger for Carter and himself.

�I know that,� Sam interrupted wearily. �What�s your point?�

Yes, what is your point? Jack echoed the sentiment. Lya leaned against his shoulder, her voice rising in a lilting response to the unspoken query. �Be patient.�

Jonas cleared his throat, �My point is that even the highest ranked officers recognize the failings of the human heart. What is not acknowledged officially cannot be reprimanded or sanctioned.�

�Don�t ask, don�t tell?� Sam muttered ruefully. �I�m not sure I can live with that.�

�Do you have a choice?� Jonas countered, his tone gentle but insistent.

�Yes.�

The breath caught in Jack�s throat. His every nerve stilled by the threat and promise of a single word. He struggled with the knowledge that Jonas knew and understood the war that raged in silent fury within his heart and hers. Fought the tide of hurt that they had endured for the sake of honor and the salvation of humanity on countless occasions. Rode the waves of regret for never having taken the chance and acted upon the defiance that hovered beneath everything they did and said. He felt weak and vulnerable, his soul laid open by a question born of care and innocence.

�Choose carefully,� Jonas advised softly. He touched her arm and Sam swallowed audibly. The car wavered and straightened as she strove for control. �Don�t walk away��

�What if he has?� She blinked rapidly and her hands tensed on the steering wheel. The flesh of the fingers drew tight across the bones and turned an ashy gray. �For months I�ve waited for him to talk to me, looked for a sign that this�thing�� her lips twisted into a frustrated grimace, ��Or whatever it is between us�� She fell silent, dashing trembling fingers across a pale cheek.

�Sam?� Jonas prompted. His hand moved to her shoulder. Encircling the joint with comforting strokes of his fingers.

�I don�t know if it�s over, if it ever was�� she managed harshly. �I closed the door on us so long ago� I don�t know if it will ever be reopened, if he even wants it to be��

Jack turned away, unable to watch the tears gathering in the corners her eyes.

�Is it true?� Lya asked.

He wanted to scream denial. Of course not! I love her, I have for a long time! The words crowded against his clamped teeth. He wrenched free of the frail woman�s grip and pounded a clenched fist into his open palm. But how can I offer her half a man?

Jack sank onto the soft carpet of greenery beneath their feet. He rested his forehead against one hand and fingered the blades of grass and the delicate flowers that coated the ground. Lya sat down besides him, folding herself into a graceful triangle. He looked up, searching her serene countenance.

�Is it true?� she repeated.

�Do I want to be a part of her life?� Jack whispered, nearly choking on the despair that clogged his throat. �Is that what you�re asking?�

�I am not asking the question, you are,� Lya responded. Her delicate mouth curled in a patient smile. �You have been asking it for months.�

Jack trembled, his body awash in cold sweat. �Since��

�Yes,� the Nox confirmed, saving him the pain of verbalizing his fears.

Jack sighed wearily. �I am half a man�how could I ask her to make that choice?�

�You are the man she fell in love with,� Lya denied calmly.

�No,� he retorted with feigned conviction. �It�s better if I walk away, if I never make her choose��

�You are afraid she will walk away, so you are running,� The Nox concluded.

�I can�t ask her to give up everything for a tired old warhorse. Besides, I�m nothing if not replaceable.�

�Not to her.� Lya brushed his shoulder and tilted her chin, indicating the forgotten scene.

Jack twisted involuntarily, drawn despite the sorrow blossoming within.

The car had drifted to the roadside. Sam stared out the windshield, trying in vain to focus on the patterns of snowflakes gathering on the frosted glass. Jonas mirrored her pose, but his hand strayed to her forearm. Jack flushed enviously as his fingers trailed over her closed fist and firmly grasped the taut, white flesh.

�You won�t know unless you ask.� He squeezed harder as twin tears spilled down her cheeks. �Are you willing to take that chance?�

�I�m afraid he�ll walk away��

�How is keeping silent going to prevent that?� Jonas pointed out.

�It won�t�� she cleared her throat and turned glistening eyes in his direction. �I don�t know what will.�

�Talk to him, Sam. Make him see that there is a reason to go forward. Make it harder for him to run.�

�He�ll resent me for it. For keeping him here, forcing him to live in purgatory while I move forward with my life.� She scrubbed a hand across her face. �I couldn�t live with that, and I don�t think he could bear to watch me go through that Gate knowing he couldn�t be there��

The truth of her words stung him to the core. Jack shook his head and looked at Lya. The Nox gazed back at him with large, violet eyes, her expression unreadable. �It is up to you to make her see that both are possible.�

�I�m not sure they are,� he admitted tiredly.

�So you would run? For what purpose?� Form and voice grew before his eyes. Lya stood and stared down at his hunched body, her eyes flashing chips of amethyst. �To make her wonder? To torture yourself with the question?�

�For freedom!� Jack bit out. �Because I�m��

�Afraid.�

Yes�oh God yes�

�You�re living with assumptions, not facts.� Jonas� plaintive murmur interrupted his thoughts. Jack shivered with the force of the young man�s words. He shifted focus to Sam, curious and fearful of her reply.

She closed her eyes, appearing to gather her thoughts and will. �It�s all I have.�

�No, there is so much more.�

She grimaced at the assertion. �Oh, what makes you so sure?�

Jonas laughed, �Are you serious?�

�Of course!� Sam smiled faintly, clearly heartened by his apparent disbelief.

�Every time he looks at you, calls your name� The way he moves and acts when you�re in the room��

�He never says my name and I never say his,� she countered stiffly.

�Why?�

�Because its close.� She shook her head and fingered the worn leather of the steering wheel. �Too close.�

�He says it every time. You just aren�t listening,� Jonas retorted with a smug grin.

�Maybe��

When did you get so smart, Jack wondered absently as the Kelownan shifted in his seat. It was disconcerting to realize that they were both so transparent. At least for Carter there was the comfort of friendship to ease the pain of confusion. Unfortunately fact did not equal answers, and camaraderie offered little in the way of direction. He swallowed hard and watched in wistful silence as Sam pulled onto the roadway. Lya shifted meaningfully beside him and Jack raised a hand against the sudden glare. Not surprised when the Volvo and the snow covered mountaintop faded in a brilliant whitewash.

The Nox woman brushed a hand through his tousled hair, her voice a breathy echo in the heavy silence. �Do you see?�

�What?� Jack clambered to his feet. A renewed sense of loss washed through his quivering frame. Have I missed the point?

�She sees what you do not. All of your friends do. As do the myriad of beings who have passed through your life. Human, Jaffa, Asgard�� she grinned shyly. �Nox. All of us have felt your touch and are better for it. Do you understand?�

It was too much to grasp. Jack shook his head, �No. I�m just a man doing a job, how can you expect me to accept that?� he replied adamantly.

�How can you think so little of yourself and your contributions to the world?� Lya challenged, her gentle tone hardening noticeably. �You insult all of us, Samantha included, if you refuse to consider the truth.� Her rounded features softened into a pale smile, taking the sting from the rebuke. �I wish you well.�

�You�re leaving?� His jaw went slack, and Jack closed it with a frustrated snap. �But��

The edges of the Nox blurred and paled. Her slight form lost cohesion, washing the forest glen in a myriad of shifting hues as she faded from sight. The soothing breeze and intermittent birdsong ceased abruptly, allowing the suffocating silence to close in with unmerciful swiftness. Jack blinked and gasped involuntarily. Shocked by the darkness that replaced the comforting sunlight in the span of a heartbeat.

�Jack?�

He turned at the soft query. Daniel stood in the doorway, a barely visible silhouette.

�What happened?� Jack waved expansively at the inky blackness that obscured their surroundings.

�This is you, or rather what you expect,� his friend replied grimly. �The destination you will reach if nothing changes.�

�What? A void?� he queried in disbelief. �Come on��

�Why would I lie?� Daniel demanded as he pushed away from the door. All the color had left the glowing cheeks. The figure that closed the gap was translucent, painting the walls and floor in shades of ash.

Jack stepped back, a twinge of fear nestling in his twisted gut. The troublesome assertion that this was a dream was rapidly fading into a futile desire. I need to wake up, face the hangover� face Christmas with all its maudlin memories� He crossed his arms, unwilling to give in to the ghostly figure that approached.

Daniel stopped inches away. His empty eyes roamed across Jack�s set features, forcing an anxious shiver down his back. �Why?� he reiterated.

�You wouldn�t,� Jack admitted restlessly.

�No, I wouldn�t,� Daniel agreed. �This is the last time I will talk to you.�

Concern flared and Jack reached for the grayed shoulder. �Are you going to be okay?� His fingers slid through cloth and bone and he pulled back, horrified. �Daniel?�

The young man nodded, his lips curling into a grimace. �You know what it�s like, comin� back from the dead��

�Takes a while to get the color back in the cheeks�� Jack completed the phrase in a dark, desolate whisper. �Really?�

�Really,� Daniel assured.

Jack flinched, confused by the weight of Daniel�s pallid fingers resting on his shoulder. �Neat trick,� he muttered nervously.

�I have my moments.� He smiled crookedly and squeezed Jack�s cold flesh. �For once in your life listen, really listen and don�t be afraid to say what needs to be said. It�s past time for secrets.�

It was useless to deny the younger man�s simple wisdom. Jack sighed regretfully as Daniel�s hand slid from his shoulder. �I�m not sure how you did any of this�� he shrugged, quirking his lips into a wry grimace, ��Or why for that matter, but�Thanks.�

Daniel smiled sadly. �I think you know why, and you�re welcome.� He offered his hand and Jack took it. Reveling in the warmth of the rough flesh clutched firmly in his grasp. The touch of friendship seemed to ignite the vanished light. A faint silvery glow outlined the younger man as the solidity of his hand collapsed and slid free. Jack blinked and drew a deep breath, refusing to look away as Daniel�s body faded into the gathering shadows.

�Jack, fancy meeting you here.�

What the� Daniel you can�t be serious. Jack clenched an empty fist and turned on his heel. �Oh for cryin� out loud, this has to be a joke�� he dragged a hand across his haggard features, muffling a groan of dismay. �What the hell are you doing here? Did someone spike my whiskey?�

Harry Maybourne shrugged and offered a gap toothed grin. �It�s your nightmare, I�m just the errand boy.� Muddy, brown light spilled across the shorter man�s rounded shoulders as he stepped from the gloom. �Nice place, early Boy Scout or American Gothic?�

�Answer my question, damn it,� Jack demanded hotly.

The ex-officer�s beady, blue eyes flickered from the floor to Jack�s anxious visage. He snorted and shook his head. �You�re quite the piece of work, aren�t you?� he commented.

�I�m a piece of work? Pot calling the kettle, don�t you think?�

�Maybe,� Maybourne allowed. �Still, this is your walkabout, not mine. Pretty dismal little purgatory you have going.�

Miserable bastard� He repressed a string of oaths, flinching at the sour bile that frothed into the back of his throat. �Do you have anything useful to say?�

�That depends on whether you are in the mood to listen.� Harry rubbed pensively at his scraggly beard. �I know Charlie and Lya have tried talking to you��

�Leave my son out of this,� Jack warned acidly.

�Temper, temper. I�m just making an observation. Small talk as it were��

�Get to the point.�

�What�s the rush?�

�Because the thought of spending one extra minute in or outside my head with the likes of you��

�Jack, you wound me,� Harry muttered plaintively.

�Don�t tempt me.� A harsh barking laugh split the fetid air between them. Jack shivered from sole to hairline. �Get on with it.�

�Well, don�t say I didn�t try and warn you.�

�Noted.�

Maybourne pivoted and began walking towards a dimly lit rectangle hovering in the swirling murk. �Are you coming?� he called absently when Jack remained rooted to the floor.

I�m going to regret this� Jack forced his frozen feet into motion and jogged to catch up to the rapidly receding silhouette. They walked for what felt like hours, but could have been seconds. The elusive light appeared to move as they approached. Right to left, higher and lower, receding deeper into the muddy swirl. Finally, Jack called a halt. Disgusted with the shorter man�s infuriating silence and the changeable nature of the void. �What exactly is the point here?� he rasped.

�There is no point, at least according to you,� Harry replied cryptically.

�Has Daniel been giving lessons in obtuse?� Jack grumbled.

�You want simple? Black and white?�

�That would be a nice change.� For the first time Jack felt a measure of control. Harry Maybourne was a known quantity. He was a born cheat, devoid of morals, and possessed of a decidedly warped code of ethics. All were qualities that could be read and dealt with, at least in the known universe. The latter thought brought Jack up short. There was no denying the oddness of his current situation. Did the rules really apply? �Black and white?� he prodded, loath to give up any advantage, real or perceived.

�That would wrap things up nicely, wouldn�t it?� Harry taunted. �You and I both know that life doesn�t come in a neat little package. There are always strings left untied��

�I�m not in the mood for this crap��

�Really?� Harry smiled ominously and the environment changed with a flick of his stubby fingers. The muddy, gaseous streaks hardened to ice chips that rained down upon Jack in a punishing spray, bruising and slashing his exposed skin. The distant hum of white noise built to an ear splitting screech, shooting daggers of pain through his throbbing skull. He ducked and covered his ears. Hiding from the onslaught of muddy darts and unearthly howls. The air thickened and filled with noxious fumes. Jack fell to his knees and tucked his chin into his chest, trying to breathe through his T-shirt. The stench burned his nostrils and coated his constricting throat with a fiery acid slick.

�Harry�� The plea was barely a breath. Jack swallowed painfully and tried again, �Stop��

�Not what you expected?� the other man remarked blandly.

The onslaught ceased abruptly, leaving Jack in a trembling, breathless heap. He coughed to clear the fumes and winced at the whistle of air as he struggled for breath. His heart was pounding with the stress, sending swaths of crimson stars across his blurred vision.

Dream�hallucination�nightmare�?

His mind groped frantically for an adequate description. Logic did not apply however, and he was left with the disquieting sensation that the scenario, for lack of a better term, would have no distinct conclusion.

Am I destined to live out my existence here? Jack shook his head and sat back on his heels. Has that been the point?

�Ah, now we�re getting somewhere,� Harry shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded towards the distant glowing portal. ��You ready?�

How did you�? Jack squelched the thought and clambered to his feet. Light and sound exploded in a deafening, dizzying assault as the shifting rectangle hurtled towards them. The cloying murk vanished, replaced instantly with the brilliance of a late fall afternoon on a tree lined street.

Jack reeled back against Harry�s unyielding form. The other man grunted at the impact and caught his elbow in a cold, steadying grip. He shivered beneath the touch, but did not pull away. Instinctively conscious and accepting of the scant comfort another human being could supply. The periwinkle sky and blazing leaves scalded his vision, a disconcerting dichotomy to the oppressive gloom that had encased them.

Wind stirred the fiery foliage and rattled the limbs above his head. Jack raised a hand against the spray of fine grit and wet leaves. Shielding his eyes, he peered down the wide barren ribbon of roadway. The sun was uncharacteristically hot for a late fall day. Cold sweat broke across Jack�s forehead and ran salted tracks into his eyes. He winced and wiped them clean. In the distance rose the throaty roar of a large engine. He squinted, struggling to identify the approaching vehicle. Tendrils of fear fed the burgeoning headache behind his eyes. Panic quickened his pulse and filled his twisted gut with anxious butterflies. Faint physical reminders of how he had begun this Dickensonian adventure and what pleasures awaited with the coming of the dawn.

Assuming I ever wake up� Jack ground his teeth and bottled the grim thought as the vehicle drew abreast.

A truck�

My truck?

He stared at the old man hunched behind the wheel.

It can�t be�

A shiver spread from his pounding heart to the tips of his tingling fingers. Jack turned, his mouth agape. �Me?�

�You,� Harry affirmed, apparently indifferent to his budding horror. �At least who you will be,� he continued as he released Jack�s elbow and crossed his arms.

�No��

�Why not?� the shorter man challenged. �Given your frame of mind and what you intend to do.�

�You couldn�t possibly��

Harry grinned knowingly. �Couldn�t I?�

Yes you could� The world tilted and spun, and suddenly he was a passenger in the truck. Gazing at his aged self as they drove down the deserted street.

The driver reached forward and punched the volume control on the radio. The cab filled with static and he grunted softly, pushing the tiny stud marked Seek. Numbers scrolled by on the digital readout, replacing the static with choppy music or dead air. The old man rolled his eyes as they navigated around a parked vehicle and turned onto another street. A voice abruptly filled the silence, and he touched the volume control a second time.

Click�static��Unconfirmed reports say that Air Force One was shot down over the East Coast�� deafening silence. Jack shifted, watching his older self for signs of reaction. The Dream Jack continued to stare blankly out the windshield. The tightening of his white hands on the steering wheel the only indication that he was even listening to the scratchy broadcast. �� The first Lady was in�� static, ��President Kinsey had bordered the plane on his way to an emergency meeting in�� click�.��Unconfirmed reports state that the attack on the President�s plane came from�� static�. The white noise rose to deafening proportions. The driver punched the radio and briefly closed his eyes before returning his attention to the roadway.

President Kinsey? Dead? How? Why? Jack grimaced. The latter was a fervent wish, but not something he would ever actively consider. Clearly he was not responsible, but who was?

The truck lurched as it climbed over a curb. Jack clutched the door and stared out the window. Forgetting the shrewd politician for the moment. The streets were more than Sunday morning quiet, they were completely empty. As if the people who lived and worked on their edges had packed up and left. Abandoned their lives and possessions for some inexplicable purpose... He drew a stuttering breath. As if they had been taken�

The thought coalesced into undeniable reality within the span of a single pounding heartbeat.

Taken?

President Kinsey?

He swung haunted eyes on his future self.

Dream Jack was watching the road ahead. His eyes were sunken, lifeless orbs in his skeletal face. The thin lips were set in a twisted smile, and he seemed unaware of the tear that was sliding down his waxy cheek.

What he deserves� The thought flashed unbidden into Jack�s groping mind. Kinsey dying by virtue of an assassin, earthbound or otherwise, how apropos! He trembled at the ease of the conclusion and the faint feeling of satisfaction that accompanied it. Death should never be hoped for, wanted or desired, but if anyone�

No!

He shook himself, disgusted and frightened at the direction of his thoughts.

The truck lurched again, drawing Jack�s attention outward. Rows and rows of neat white stones greeted his questing gaze. In every direction the rectangles marched in concise lines. Undulating waves of granite etched in tears.

Arlington National Cemetery.

Oh my God�

The rumble of the big V-8 ceased abruptly. Jack turned, pensively regarding his older self from beneath half closed lids. Dream Jack sat back in the deep seat and looked out the window, his gaunt features utterly lifeless.

Why would I go to Arlington? I know people buried there, at least I know of them� He fidgeted, fingering his chin as he dropped his eyes and studied the pattern of dimples on the worn seat. The driver shifted and the pattern changed. Lightening as he opened the door and slid from the seat. Jack looked up in surprise and hastily reached for the handle at his back. The truck, like the trees and stones, was undeniably solid. He was unnerved, yet gratified at the necessity of opening the door and stepping out onto the firm, soft greenery.

His Elder self moved away from the parked vehicle on stiff legs. The tall frame was bent slightly at the shoulders, and for the first time Jack noticed his clothing. The boots that were scuffed and cracked at the heel, one glued sole peeling free and softly flapping as he walked. The long coat torn on one shoulder and sporting a worn, glossy sheen at the elbows. A thread trailed along the ground behind the wearer like an indiscriminate tail, which somehow engendered the old soul with a greater degree of fragility. Jack swallowed a pitiful sigh. How can I feel sorrow for myself? It was wrong in ways he could not readily fathom and feared to explore.

He walked in the other man�s wake on silent feet. Was it possible to disturb the dead? Did they hear his ghostly footfalls? Would they hear? The inconsistencies of the situation made Jack�s head spin and his stomach churn. He rubbed absently at his abdomen and quickened his pace. The old man moved with surprising speed between the stones. One bony hand clutched at his hat as a sudden breeze stirred the fallen leaves and rattled the limbs over their heads.

They drifted through the granite markers, seeming to gain speed and purpose with every step. In the end, Jack was jogging. Struggling to keep up with his Elder, who covered the distance with a rapidity born of dream. The old man stopped abruptly, forcing Jack to step hastily to one side.

What the hell�

Dream Jack squared his shoulders and looked towards the heavens. Scanning the skies above with pale, misted eyes. His posture straightened, and the protesting crack of his twisted spine split the air, forcing a shiver down Jack�s damp back. He raised a hand to shield against the sun and slowly turned. His mouth gaped open and moved soundlessly as he spoke to the stones and the wind.

Jack stared, nonplussed by the actions of his future self. Who did I come to see? Why here and why now?

�Relax, Jack.�

He spun, his fists clenching automatically as he dropped into a stiff crouch. Harry smiled and waved off his reaction. �Touchy touchy.�

�Where were you?�

�I�ve been here all along, watching. How else would I know where to take you and why?�

How should I� He swallowed the sarcastic retort with effort and stood erect. �Harry.,,�

�Watch,� the smaller man admonished sharply.

Jack shook his head and turned away, grumbling. His Elder self had dropped his hand, apparently satisfied by what he did, or did not see in the clear blue skies. With evident reluctance his gaze settled on a cluster of gleaming, white stones standing sentinel over a trio of fresh graves. The rich, dark soil gave the new sod a muddied appearance. Infant shoots of grass and flowers barely covered the slightly humped mounds.

The old man carefully lowered himself onto his left knee and reached out a trembling hand towards the center grave. He pressed the soft soil and leaned hard, forcing his hand to sink. Blades of grass and a scattering of tiny yellow petals poked between his fingers as he pushed. His arm trembled with the strain and his hand twitched, digging furrows into the damp sodl. Jack stepped to one side, studying his elder�s face. Shadows flickered in the deep set eyes. Images of sorrow past and present flared and vanished, smoldering flames bursting and dying to smoking embers. Life seemed to flee as he sank onto his bad knee and brought his free hand to meet the first, clenching the tender grass and tearing it loose with a silent gasp of agony.

What could possibly�

Jack licked dry lips and swallowed hard. He could feel Harry�s body to his right. Hear the squish of the man�s loafers in the grass and smell the vinegary odor of his breath. Existent or imagined, loved or despised, the ex officer was as close to reality as he could get at the moment. Jack dragged his eyes from the grief stricken image of his future self and met Maybourne�s thoughtful gaze.

�What happened?�

�I think you can guess, you already have at least part of the answer,� Harry murmured.

�Kinsey screwed up somehow?�

�Of course.�

�And now he�s dead?�

Maybourne nodded. �So you heard.�

�You�re not making this easy��

�You expected something different?�

�I didn�t expect anything at all!� Jack snapped in exasperation. �I went out last night and got drunk. The next thing I know I�m playing �This is your Life� with Daniel��

Harry chuckled and indicated the gravesite with a tilt of his scruffy chin.

Jack swallowed the anxious tickle in his throat. He hated cemeteries and what they represented. Going into one, especially a place as revered as Arlington, was not something he would do voluntarily. He coughed at the sudden lump that formed in his throat. Unless�

He stepped past the old man�s bowed form and squatted in front of the stones. His eyes blurred and he squeezed the lids tightly closed, keeping his head tilted towards the ground.

No�

Jack�s arms rose involuntarily and he rested trembling hands on the sharp edges of the marker. Absently caressing the cold granite as he struggled for control. Of their own volition his fingers trailed down the face of the memorial and found the symbol of a dove etched into the rock. He caressed the curves and dips of the carving, absorbing its meaning with a chilled soul.

No�

�Harry��

There was no reply.

Unwanted tears burned against his clamped eyelids as Jack�s hands dropped further. A date�numbers and slashes�a name. He choked, fighting to breathe past the painful sobs that clogged his throat.

No�

Jack�s raised his head and peered at the inscription through blurred eyes.

Samantha Jean Carter
Beloved Daughter
Dedicated Soldier
Loyal Friend

Oh�God�

He sprawled backwards onto the damp grass and covered his face with bone white hands.

She was dead�she would die before him.

Loneliness and shattering grief washed twin tides across his aching soul. Blocking out the warm sunlight and the pitiful figure still hovering above the mound of cold earth. Acid tears trailed down Jack�s cheeks, soaking his temples and pooling in his ears. He cried silently. His body twitching spasmodically as he fought the raw release for reasons that seemed trivial in light of the simple inscription

Shame, embarrassment, dignity; what did they matter? She was dead and I never�

A shadow fell across his grief stricken form. Distracted, despite his pain, Jack looked up into the haunted eyes of his elder self.

The old man had climbed to his feet and was staring blindly at the ground. His penetrating gaze passing straight through Jack�s body. He pivoted and approached a second stone. His skeletal hands stroked the top of the marker and fell to the dove etched above the date and the name. Jack�s eyes followed their progress. Drawn to the carved letters in spite of the clamor of warning ringing hollowly through his spinning brain.

Teal�c
Warrior and Loyal Friend

How�when�why?

Jack resisted the urge to read and absorb the date above the name. To know when was to invite worry and error. The logic of the conclusion offered scant solace to his splintering heart.

His Elder self turned and regarded the third marker with a twisted grimace. He removed his hat and stroked a hand through the white, wispy hair beneath.

Age will not be kind, Jack noted in a vain effort to distract his mind and eyes from the face of the third monument. Inevitably, his gaze dropped to the carved letters as the old man rested a hand on top of the marker.

Jonas Quinn
Friend
Loyal servant of his adopted people

My team�my friends�

�Not anymore, not for a long time now,� Harry quietly remarked on the unspoken sentiment.

Jack cringed and turned away from the desolate scene. �Why would I do that? I could never abandon my friends, it�s not in my nature.� He hissed between clenched teeth. �You of all people should know that!�

�Never leave a man behind?� Harry snorted. �You left them behind years ago when you chose to walk away. That is what you�ve been thinking about, isn�t it Jack?�

�You have all the answers, you tell me!� He embraced the hot rage that blotted out the dull throbbing ache of despair. �You seem to know what I�m thinking and why! You know what happened here��

�So do you!� the other man retorted icily. �Look inside yourself for the answers��

Jack laughed harshly. �That�s a joke! You talking about conscience, implying morality��

�I�m not laughing.� Harry stepped back and gestured towards the gravestones. �Neither is he.�

The temperature plummeted suddenly and the rising wind began to vibrate. Eerie overtones rattled his teeth and throbbed counterpoint to his quickening pulse. Jack peered upwards, seeking the source of the large shadow blotting out the sun. He was not surprised when a Goa�uld Mothership loomed into view. Its triangular sides gleamed in the refracted sunlight, a tri-sided jewel heralding the finality of earth�s existence as a free world.

They had been taken�

Every last human being captured, killed, or enslaved�

He dropped his eyes to the bent figure standing in front of the center gravestone.

Dream Jack fondled the top of the marker. His lips moved soundlessly, talking to the woman buried in the ground below. Relating in death what should have been said in life.

Jack swallowed bitter grief. How could I let this happen? How could I let her go without telling her?

There was no proof that Sam had gone to her death without knowing his feelings. Only an assumption that ate at his blistered subconscious, and a certainty born of an intimate knowledge of his inability to confront the most basic of human emotions.

Am I responsible for this?

He looked up at the growing bulk of the Mothership. It was slowly descending over Washington D.C. Death Gliders swarmed like angry bees from its belly and commenced circular patterns over the city. Errant bolts of energy struck the ground eliciting fires and explosions that resounded through the still air.

Too much to consider�

He turned away from the dying metropolis.

The old man had straightened and was staring fixedly at the advancing forces. His hands were shoved deep into his tattered coat pockets and his sunken eyes glistened with restrained tears. He blinked rapidly and clenched his grizzled jaw as a particularly loud explosion rumbled through the ground. Tree limbs quaked noisily in response and fresh leaves fell to the earth in a disconcertingly cheerful shower. As the shockwave retreated over the undulating field of stones, he pulled his hands free.

Jack bit his tongue, fighting a blossoming fire of remembrance. He had been there before. At the bottom, on the edge, bereft of hope. It was utter terror to realize that he would find his way back to that place of woe, and this time there would be nothing to stop him.

A ray of sunlight eased past the concealing bulk of the spaceship and touched the barrel of the gun clutched in the old man�s grasp. It gleamed silver fire as he loaded the open chamber with a copper tipped bullet.

No�

He adjusted the housing and closed the gun. The bullet locked into place with an anticlimactic click.

I can�t�

The sunlight vanished and the shaft lost its shine. Cold metal turned gray and lifeless as Dream Jack raised it towards his skull.

I wouldn�t�

A death Glider screamed overhead. Granite markers splintered and exploded beneath a fiery onslaught of amber energy. The old man rested the muzzle of the gun against his temple.

NO!!!!!

Jack bowed his head and closed his eyes.

The sharp report of the small silver revolver cut through the crackling air and the body fell to the ground.

�Jack?�

He sucked in a startled breath and opened his eyes, expecting and dreading the scene in the cemetery.

The muted contours of his bedroom appeared out of the receding gloom. Jack sighed with relief and collapsed onto the bed.

A dream?

�Jack?�

Damn�

�Harry?� he whispered shakily.

�It�s over.�

Really? Jack scrubbed wearily at his face. The beginnings of a killer headache painted the world behind his lids in throbbing slashes of brown and black. He welcomed the tangible pain. The sensation signified a continuation of his life, with all its baggage intact. Placing him in the present, belying the terrible vision. He sat up slowly, allowing the world to settle into place before turning questioning eyes on his companion. �Now what?�

Harry shrugged, �The rest is up to you.�

�That�s it?�

�Isn�t that enough?� The smaller man waved expansively. �Do you expect to be spoon fed? You�re going to have to sort this out on your own from here on out.�

Jack groaned past the sour cotton that filled his mouth. How� he bit back the query and studied Harry�s stocky form through unfocused eyes. Was this how it was supposed to end? He expected to feel enlightened, overwhelmed by a sense of excitement. Hadn�t Scrooge awoken from his experience with a joyful heart and a resounding resolution to put things in order?

Of course old Ebeneezer had partaken of a bit of bad beef and some Yorkshire pudding, not half a gallon of cheap whiskey.

Maybourne�s soft chuckle interrupted his jumbled thoughts. Jack glared at the insolent ex officer, but could not summon the wit or will to silence him. I must look like death on a plate, I know I feel like crap. Who wouldn�t laugh? A pathetic old fool� He squashed the self-pitying thought and pushed determinedly to his feet. �Thanks for stopping by, Harry.�

The shorter man sobered instantly. All trace of levity vanished from the bright, blue eyes as they came to rest on Jack�s sallow cheeks. �I never expected to see you again, not after the Moon��

�Same here,� Jack agreed quietly. The connection to reality did not surprise him. After the longest Christmas Eve of his life, he doubted anything ever would again. He held out his hand to the apparition and offered a genuine smile. �Thanks.�

Maybourne nodded and gave him a firm shake. �You know we�ve had our ups and downs��

�More downs than up�� Jack quipped.

�True.� Harry released Jack�s hand and stepped back. The first strident streaks of daylight had appeared beneath the drawn curtains of the French doors. Pale peach and pink crept across the carpeted floor and touched the dark gray of his trousers. He glanced down and quirked the side of his mouth. �That�s my cue.�

�Good-bye, Harry.�

The fading figure raised a hand and waved. The form and substance of arm and body dissipating gradually into the muzzy shadows of the dawn lit room.

Jack sank back onto the bed and cradled his throbbing skull.

Sunrise�Christmas Day� When was the last time it mattered?

Images and words tumbled through his mind. Faces of loved ones, experiences forgotten, a future yet to unfold. Images that his friends and family had failed to show, but were nonetheless a part of the seasoned landscape of memory.

Jack got up and walked to the French doors. The lock clicked loudly in the dead quiet of the room, shooting a lance of pain behind his squinted eyes. Oh yeah, this had been a terrific idea� He pulled open the doors and stepped out onto the snow packed balcony.

The cold snow on his bare feet sent sharp arcs of pain up his stiff legs and across his knees. Jack bit back a curse and attempted to ignore the physical sensations as he studied the lightening sky. Gold and lavender painted the heavens in broad strokes. The last of the receding stars glittered jewel like amidst the gauze of high translucent clouds. He searched for and found the slitted eye of the moon low on the horizon.

The eye of the whale�

He swallowed audibly. Charlie had often called the murky blue of dusk and dawn �the whale�. The moon formed the eye, its different phases signaling the mood of the behemoth that swathed the earth.

�He�s sleeping, Charlie�� Jack murmured softly. �He�s up there with you and he�s sleeping.� He pressed a hand to his trembling eyelids and released a stuttering sigh. The puffed exhalations bloomed and faded into the still morning air, much as his son had disappeared into the shadows. Minutes�hours�years�earlier.

�As long as you remember him, a part of you will always be that person. To deny that part of yourself is to lock him out. To forget that time and to shut off any chance of ever revisiting a semblance of that existence.�

Daniel�s words whispered above the throb of his racing pulse. Jack drew a steadying breath and cast his eyes towards the burgeoning day. I remember� now and always�Merry Christmas, Charlie.

He dropped his eyes to the snow bundled landscape. Everything was covered in a glittering crystal coating of ice and fresh powder. The posts at the corners of the fence and the roof of the storage shed sported a marshmallow topping tinged pink by the dawn light. Pine boughs dripping with icicles touched the top of the fence. Every needle encased in a tiny, perfect prism. Fluffy white mounds dimpled with squirrel tracks transformed the picnic table and outdoor fire pit from the practical to the pristine. Taking on the appearance of neat Christmas packages set beneath a gargantuan tree. The dips and hollows of animal passage a trail of twisted ribbon across the clean, white blanket.

Jack smiled and turned away from the awakening day. He still felt like crap, but the sense of wonder he had expected earlier was finally emerging. It was Christmas, a time for new beginnings and a chance to set aside the mistakes of the past and look to the future.

Despite the pounding in his head and the threatening roll of his stomach, Jack showered and dressed with enthusiasm. Somewhere between shaving and making a bracing pot of coffee, he determined that the events of the previous night were all in his head. There were traces of reality, hints that could not be explained. Harry mentioning their experiences on the moon, the scent of flowers and the birdsong that surrounded Lya, the smell and feel of Charlie�s skin warm against his face and neck: these traces taxed his searching mind. Still, it wouldn�t do to look too close, perhaps it was meant to remain a mystery.

He did not care what the answer was, anymore than he cared that it was still only 6:30 a.m. Christmas morning. For once, immediate action was more important than considerations. Speculating on the whys and wherefores would surely lead to more internalizing� Jack shuddered as he closed and locked his front door and navigated through the fresh power to his truck. According to Harry, he had reached the end of his proverbial rope by just such activities.

He paused beside the vehicle and stared at it for a long moment. Dim memories of Teal�c driving him home and calling a cab with his cell phone niggled at the back of his thoughts, casting newfound resolution in a haze of shadowy doubt. Jack bit his lip and jammed the key into the niche with grim determination. There would be no turning back!

The image of the gun and the feel of the cold barrel against the tender skin of his temple sent a second, violent tremor down his taut spine. Jack climbed behind the wheel and gripped the leather with chilled fingers. He did not have to imagine the sensations, the memories were all too real. Long, lonely nights spent in Charlie�s room, hovering on the brink of annihilation were a part of his subconscious. Insistent reminders of what he had almost done to all those that cared for him.

Jack shoved the truck into gear, powering through the snowdrift at the base of the drive and out onto the empty street.

The roads were deserted. Traffic lights and Christmas decorations reflected fuzzily in the dirty ice, giving the pavement a comforting yuletide glow. He smirked at the inconsistency. Mindful of the hazard, and grateful for the distracting challenge of driving where the plows had not passed.

As he drove by a large, clapboard covered church, Jack slowed. Wreaths adorned the heavy oak doors and electric candles burned in every window. Red bows decorated the painted shutters, and a carved wooden cr�che surrounded with straw huddled in the side yard. The seasonal accoutrements drew his reflective thoughts reluctantly towards the past. It had been years since he had voluntarily stepped inside a religious structure, offworld experiences notwithstanding. Belief, for want of a better term, was something he had set aside as the world grew increasingly complex, and the existence of a single �God� became more and more unlikely.

Movement caught his eye and Jack drifted to the side of the road. Peering into the rearview mirror, he watched the steady progress of a man clearing the sidewalk in front of the Astroturf covered steps. Errant memories briefly coalesced, and a wan smile lifted his thin lips. His mother had insisted he attend services and he had obliged because it was the right thing for a son to do. Making her happy held the kind of paramount importance only a child could understand. Jack sobered as the thought resolved itself into a painful truth. Especially when his father was conspicuously absent most Sunday mornings, MIA due to yet another all nighter at the corner bar under the convenient guise of �overtime�. How long had it taken Mom to figure out that the old man was lying through his rotten teeth?

Jack pushed open the door of the truck, shoving tainted recollections forcefully aside. It was Christmas, and he had learned something in spite of the sorrow that shrouded the visions of the previous evening. He approached the bent figure and plastered a cheerful grin on his tired features. �Need a hand?�

The man looked up, and Jack was surprised to see wisps of silver hair poking out from beneath his black woolen cap. He smiled and nodded curtly. �Many thanks, my son.�

�You�re welcome, Father,� Jack replied amicably as he pulled a shovel from the bed of his truck. �This is hard work��

�Exercise is good for the soul,� the Priest answered with a chuckle. �I am surprised to see a young man like yourself out this early on Christmas morning.�

Jack flushed�Young man? �I�uh�couldn�t sleep.�

�Ah, I see.�

They shoveled in silence for a while. Clearing the snow before scattering salt and sand onto the ice beneath. �I hope this melts before services,� the old man remarked worriedly. �I have several elderly parishioners who like to attend early Mass.�

�I�m sure it will,� Jack reassured �Father��

�Yes?�

Questions and concerns thickened his tongue. The fresh air and exercise had dampened his hangover, but it returned with a vengeance as Jack struggled for words. He leaned on the shovel and stared at the ground. Sensing the soft gray eyes of the Priest resting lightly on his shoulders.

�Would you care to come inside, my son? Warm yourself, talk a while?�

No� He cleared his throat, reconsidering. �I�m sure you have a lot to do this morning��

�I am never too busy for a troubled heart, come with me.�

Jack followed without question. Noting the limp in the other man�s stride as he made his cautious way up the cement steps onto the rectory porch next door. He pulled off his hat and gloves and grasped the doorknob with knobby, arthritic fingers, wincing slightly. �It�s cold out here, warm inside,� he enthused.

A gout of heated, pastry scented air washed over Jack as he climbed the stairs. He felt a tingling deep inside, a tremor of anxiety and burgeoning warmth as he walked into the neat entryway and shut the door. He brushed the snow from his hair and removed his coat and gloves, leaving them on a chair. The feeling of immediate comfort was not due to the glowing radiator and the scent of cinnamon, however. Standing in this unassuming little house at the behest of a stranger who sensed his sorrow filled him with hope. It was exhilarating and completely terrifying. Jack could sense the Priest�s passive scrutiny and he shuddered inwardly. Concerned by the nearly overwhelming urge to hide from the recently disturbed emotions. Beneath the palpable fear pulsed a desperate need to give voice to the words that had frozen his tongue. He took a deep breath. �Father?�

The Priest held out a cheery Christmas mug full of steaming coffee. �Defrost first,� he urged.

Jack took the proffered beverage and drank deeply. Normally he hated flavored coffee, but this was different. Mildly laced with the nutty essence of pecans and a hint of sweetness, it invited relaxation. He set the mug aside and nodded thanks as the Priest placed a plate of cinnamon rolls on the table between them.

�Eat, my son. It is best to converse on a full stomach, is it not?� The old man�s teeth were dazzling white in the creases of his ruddy face. He indicated a chair and sat down opposite, releasing a lengthy sigh. �A good workout.�

�Yes.� Jack sank into the chair and picked up one of the rolls. Icing oozed over his red, chilled fingers. He licked it, feeling childlike and mildly intimidated by the Priest�s gentle attentions. He took a bite of the warm sweet and chewed thoughtfully, wondering if the older man knew how much he needed this quiet lull. Reaching for his coffee, Jack glanced up to discover the pale, gray eyes hovering on his drawn cheeks.

He knows�.

He swallowed the mouthful of pastry and lowered the cup on the table. �Father, do you think its possible for a man to change, really change?� He fumbled. Waiting for the rhetoric that would undoubtedly fall from the other man�s lips. This is a priest after all, dedicated to seeing the good in the hearts of men. What other answer can I expect?

The older man sipped at his mug. The lined face grew pensive as he mulled his reply. �The Bible teaches us that there is good in everyone, my son. But that�s not what you�re asking, is it?�

�No,� Jack replied carefully. And yes�

�Perhaps the truest answer lies within then.� He looked up, catching Jack�s restless gaze. �Doyou have the capacity to change? That is your question, is it not?�

Yes� He studied the muted green and red plaid of the tablecloth.

�Christmas is frequently a time for introspection,� the Priest continued, apparently taking Jack�s silence for affirmation. �You feel you have changed, and not necessarily for the better?�

What am I doing here�. The question floated through his aching skull, flaunting the wisdom of ever having stopped. Jack bit back a sigh. �True,� he confirmed huskily.

�The past is perhaps the truest mirror of the future. Have you considered that?�

�No, Father, I hadn�t.�

�Who we were is who we can be again,� the Priest murmured emphatically. �How you initiate that change, whether you seek the hand of God as your guide or the wisdom of man�.� He sat back and gazed over Jack�s left shoulder. �Is completely up to you.�

Jack turned in his seat and followed the older man�s line of sight. A Christmas tree trimmed in silver stood in the corner of the cozy living room. Strings of popcorn wove between the glittering garland and the soft glow of tiny white lights. Garishly wrapped packages were stacked in a small, neat pile beneath the hanging boughs. Jack�s eyes wandered over the myriad of bought and handmade ornaments, stopping on a tiny, pewter picture frame.

He rose from his seat, drawn by the indistinct images of people peering out of the worn photo. The floor creaked loudly as he crossed the room and reached for the ornament with numb fingers. The picture was black and white, the edges cracked and faded with age. His lips lifted in a wry smile as he touched the faces within. �Your family?�

�My parents and brother, yes,� the Priest confirmed softly. �I hang it on the tree every year. A reminder of my earthly obligations, and a promise of the joy that awaits us all in the world to come.�

An aching lump swelled in Jack�s throat. He swallowed hard, knowing the perils of the previous evening had nothing to do with the resurfacing sorrow. The joy that awaits us� It was a pledge he was not sure would ever be kept. But the picture spoke of greater promise than a hoped for future in heaven, and he was sure the old man seated comfortably at the table recognized that. A Priest was more than an interpreter of words and symbols. He was a man elevated above others by his devotion to that which could not be explained by mortal man.

�Whether God exists is not half as important as whether the belief in God exists�

He trembled slightly as Daniel�s words of wisdom washed through his confused heart. For a �man of God�, the former was fact and the latter his mission. His earthly obligation... Jack released the ornament and turned away from the sparkling tree. There were some things beyond conscious explanations, out of his or anyone else�s control. A Priest accepted that premise and embraced the mystery. Perhaps there was a lesson here as well?

�Have I eased your heart, my son?�

Jack paced back to the table and lightly rested his fingers on the edge. �I�m not sure anyone can do that, except myself,� he admitted. �But I appreciate your ear.�

�You are most welcome. Will you come to services?�

�I don�t know�� The urge to say no was instinctive, but held little weight. In truth, he could not be certain what the day would bring. The soothing companionship of strangers held a certain appeal. The decision would have to wait, however. Jack smiled gamely and offered his hand. �Merry Christmas, Father.�

�The same to you, my son.� The old man encased his hand in a firm, dry grip. �Be happy.�

Jack slid his hand free and pivoted on his heel. Tossing back a cheerful wave as he gathered his coat and gloves and stepped out into the chill morning air.

The gold of dawn had bled off into a crisp azure blue. In the distance, Jack heard the sounds of awakening humanity. The laughter of children and the amiable calls of passersby carried easily across the snow covered yards and streets. He reached his truck and paused, listening to a Christmas Carol blaring from the speakers of a passing car. The base was turned to deafening levels, yet somehow the hyped up tune retained its yuletide charm. Jack smirked and climbed behind the wheel. The season most definitely meant something different to everyone who participated.

He pulled away from the curb and continued across town. His destination was a development similar to his own on the other side of Colorado Springs. After an uneventful ten minutes of navigating around parked cars and the occasional sled mounted child, he arrived. Pulling onto the unassuming street, he stopped outside a white ranch tastefully decorated with an evergreen wreath and swags of garland over the door and around the porch poles.

Samantha Carter�s silver Volvo was snowed in next to the curb. He parked behind it. The large truck tires riding easily up onto the bank of slush abutting the car�s bumper.

Wisps of anxiety and chattering doubts flitted through the back of his mind as Jack climbed from the truck. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. Bundling the discomfort and pushing it firmly aside. He strode rapidly through the fresh powder clogging the brick walk and reached the porch in a matter of moments.

Silence.

Beyond the heavy wood and glass door he could not detect any evidence of movement. Slightly disconcerted, Jack pulled back the cuff of his sleeve.

7:15 am.

He put a hand to the glass and struggled to see beyond the gauzy curtain within. The tips of tree limbs peeked around the end of the short hallway. Their curled ends heavy with lights and tinsel. Jack craned his neck, struggling for a better view. He was rewarded with a sharp crack and a radiant pain across the back of his stiff shoulders.

Crap�

Rubbing at the offended muscles, he stared at the closed door. Suddenly things were not so clear. The hangover and the events preceding it mingled in a blur of physical and emotional distress, threatening to overwhelm his exhausted psyche.

What am I doing here? What has changed for her, for us? Nothing�

What did a trip through the rarified air of whiskey shrouded memory really mean?

Jack licked dry lips and raised his eyes to the darkened glass. There was only one way to find out. He knocked smartly on the painted wood and waited.

A door slammed at the house next door, prompting an involuntary shudder. Muttering an oath, he tried again. Damn it, Carter, I know we were out late but� Had she stayed out? Jack pivoted and regarded the snowed in car. No, she had driven home, probably right behind Teal�c. He groaned at the jumbled hazy memory of the truck ride across town. She had followed, making sure I got in� He hated the guilty flush that colored his cold cheeks. She didn�t, shouldn�t have had to watch over him, but she had. As was her wont, and his, since the fateful day the Zaytarc testing forced them both to reveal painful truth.

Damn�

Jack shook his head. How can I explain what I know, what I feel�

�For once in your life listen, really listen and don�t be afraid to say what needs to be said. It�s past time for secrets.�

He sighed, enduring the sorrowful twinges that accompanied Daniel�s remembered words. Listen and speak� It was so simple and yet� Jack scrubbed a hand across his furrowed brow and turned back to the door. It was a barrier as hard and imposing as anything his subconscious cared to manufacture. Barriers were meant to be broken. He knocked a third time and turned the knob.

The door swung inward and Jack froze. A myriad of possibilities flashed through his mind, riding a juggernaut of fear and hope. He forced himself to breathe and stepped into the warm interior. Shutting out the chill winter air with a quiet click.

The furnace rumbled softly, and the refrigerator hummed an odd counterpoint. Forced mechanical intrusions in an otherwise ethereal silence. Jack�s hands twitched instinctively as he stepped cautiously down the crowded hallway and into the wanton chaos of Carter�s living room. Boxes and Christmas paper lay in disarray in the middle of the floor. Several neatly wrapped items huddled beneath the Christmas tree, their foil coverings aglow in the soft lights. His eyes were drawn to a relatively small package nestled amidst the mass of tape and tinsel. Apparently the last gift left to be wrapped, judging by the absence of any similar items in the immediate vicinity. Jack swallowed a guilty sigh. The presents beneath the tree were all tagged with neatly scripted labels. He did not need to look to know that the lonely white square in the center of the carpet was his.

What were you thinking last night? After I slid into a drunker malaise and left you to ponder the wisdom of your choices and mine?

Jack pushed a hand through his tousled hair and considered his next move. He could leave. Wipe up the traces of snow left by his boots and drive home without ever speaking to Sam� Save her the embarrassment of admission, the pain of choice� He swallowed hard, lips compressing into a grim line. Save her� that was a joke. He was the one who needed saving and the one that owed succor to all those who had reached out, trying to heal what in some ways would always be broken. His restive gaze skimmed over the brightly decorated room, absently noting the garland that hugged the ceiling and the knickknacks clustered on the bookshelves. Carter�Sam�s� attempt to invite the merriment of the season into her heart and hearth. She always found a way to lend a familial feel to their holidays whenever SG-1 was stuck offworld. Warmth and regret blossomed twin arcs through his tight chest. She always tried so hard�

He sank onto the couch and stared blindly down at the floor. As much as he enjoyed the holidays as a married man and father, it was Sara who had done the work. His single responsibility was buying a present for her. A task usually accomplished at the last minute. Jack smiled wistfully and suppressed a regretful sigh. Making Carter happy would be as easy, if not easier, why was it so hard to consider? He glanced up, seeking solace in the gay decorations. His eyes trailed anxiously over the tree and the endtable with the mounted Norwegian Santa statue resting on it, and fell to the gathering of stockings on the loveseat.

There was a whimsical side to the no nonsense Major. Jack allowed the smile to spread to a knowing grin. She enjoyed the legend of St. Nicholas and all the trappings associated with it. Fostering the spirit of the season no matter their location. Memories of the previous evening flitted to the surface and Jack sobered instantly. Jonas� exuberant retelling of the story and her patient ear as she sat close beside him, worried and wondering� Guilt driven warmth climbed his haggard cheeks. Contemplating the disintegration of the evening was depressing enough, enduring his drunken disinterest must have been almost unbearable.

Jack rose and crossed to the huddle of lumpy, woolen socks. Each one was tagged with a name written in neat, silver script on a rectangle of felt. He fingered the edges of the red and green labels. Jonas, Teal�c, Janet, Cassie, General Hammond; he smirked at her reticence. Even offbase the stocky man was their superior in so many ways. Jack�s hand drifted to the last stocking. Tucked behind the others, it was the only one with an odd colored tag. A rectangle of midnight blue emblazoned with his name. A tremor thrilled across his fragile nerves. Here she dared to use it, to release that part of her heart that was usually locked carefully away. Perhaps the tag was an indication of feelings that could not be enjoyed, but were too painful to ignore? He shook his head at the melancholy musings. Was it hope or fear that inspired such troublesome speculation?

The creak of a door drew Jack�s attention. He stepped back, casting about for a place of concealment. Carter was a well trained soldier, surprising her was not a recommended course of action. Unfortunately, neither was retreat, he recognized as she stepped into view.

Sam crossed her arms, her deep blue eyes taking in his wavering form before falling to the wrapping at his feet. �I didn�t expect you,� she murmured.

Jack nodded, nonplussed by her calm demeanor. Of course he wasn�t a stranger�. Or was he? He glanced up and held her questing gaze for a long moment. �I know.� The words slipped free, heavy with implications struggling for life. �I couldn�t sleep,� he added sheepishly.

�No doubt.� She indicated the couch. �Have a seat. Do you want some coffee?�

He looked down at the proffered place. Carter�s reaction was totally unexpected and left him at a loss. The words and actions spawned by the evening�s mental�physical�meanderings suddenly seemed totally inadequate.

�Coffee?� she prompted gently.

�Yeah, okay.� He ignored the couch and walked to the front window. Cold radiated through the drawn blinds, chilling his hand as he pressed it against the concealed glass. How, where to begin?

Sam busied herself in the small kitchen behind him. Water rang hollowly in the coffee pot, and the thump of the freezer door made him jump nervously. The rattle of china, the crinkle of cellophane, the faint burble of perking coffee� He bit back a sigh of resignation as the sounds of domesticity ebbed through the quiet room.

�Would you like a turnover? Apple?� Jack could hear the chagrin in her voice as she continued, �I�m not much of a cook.�

I know� He smiled softly and nodded without turning. �That�s fine.� The incongruity of the comment struck with stunning force. Jack jammed his hands into his pockets, idly fingering the lint and change nestled there. So much of our lives are intertwined, and yet... �I�m sorry if I scared you.�

�You didn�t,� she replied.

�Oh? You get a lot of strange men in your living room?�

�You�re hardly a stranger,� Sam qualified.

Jack could hear the smile and the sadness in her gentle tone and it ate at him. Hardly a stranger, but perhaps the strangest of all? Sam� He bit back her name and swallowed acid regret. His headache returned with abrupt ferocity, filling his mouth with acidic foam and his vision with crimson arcs. Jack rubbed tiredly at his forehead. �Aspirin?� he whispered, sounding plaintive even to himself.

She laughed beneath her breath, �Just a sec.�

He couldn�t be angry. The hangover was expected and well earned. She could be forgiven a spurt of wry amusement at his predicament. Doubtless he would do the same, and not as subtly. The pad of slippered feet on the carpet interrupted his thoughts. Jack pivoted and accepted the proffered drugs without looking Sam in the eye. I�m not ready, will there ever be a time?

�Water?� She held out a mug.

�Yeah.� He chased the pills with the icy liquid. Swishing it around his sour tasting mouth before swallowing. �Not one of my better maneuvers.�

�I�ll have to agree with you there,� she retorted without rancor. �You look like hell, sit down.� She touched his elbow. �Please.�

The skin tingled at the point of contact, eliciting flares of tremulous fire, which singed his frazzled nerves. Jack clenched the fabric of his pocket with his free hand, striving to quiet the slamming of his heart. Can you hear it, Sam?

The toaster oven dinged loudly and she turned away, taking his empty mug on one finger. He released a relieved sigh and sank wearily onto the couch. Strength of body and will fleeing like so much smoke. How much of his anxieties showed openly on his haggard face. What did she see when he chanced to glance in her direction? Were there any secrets from anyone, except himself, still remaining?

I want�I need�I feel�

Jack dropped his eyes to the Christmas tree. Losing himself in the brilliant pinpoints of red, green, blue, and gold reflecting in the dangling silver orbs scattered among the branches. Pieces of the surrounding room could be seen within the green depths, their images stretched and distorted by the curvature of glass and plastic. Were they mirrors of imagination or reality? Did it matter which, were they one in the same?

�Here.�

He glanced up, surprised to find Sam standing quietly beside the arm of the couch.

�Coffee,� She held out the steaming cup and a saucer with a popover and a fork resting on it.

�Thanks.� He took the items and considered the sweet without enthusiasm. Breakfast was not the subject he wished to discuss. How could he explain what he knew? Did the conversation in the car really happen? A random thought struck as Jack raised an apple laiden fork to his dry lips. Sam, were you trying to explain, to reach me last night because of what Jonas said? He dropped the utensil without taking the bite and raised cautious eyes to her still face.

Sam sipped her coffee, her dark eyes unreadable.

�Last night�� he began slowly.

�Was awkward,� she completed, giving him the out.

It would be his last chance to walk away from the conversation that needed to be said. Jack shuddered inwardly, ignoring the cloying urge to flee. �I�m sorry about that,� he murmured.

�It wasn�t your fault, we should have known.� Sam settled on the edge of the loveseat, carefully avoiding the cluster of stockings wedged into the cushions. �I shouldn�t have asked.�

Yes, you should have� You should never be afraid� Jack took a bracing swallow of coffee. �I�ve made this hard, on everyone. You most of all��

�Sir��

�No,� he shook his head firmly. �Not here,� he indicated the stockings with a gesture of the coffee cup. �Leave it on base, where it belongs.�

�It can�t be that way, especially now,� she denied, her tone carefully modulated. �You know that.�

Do I? The query flitted at the back of his strangled throat. Do you? He looked at the tree and then at her fingers clasped in her lap, twisting the tie of her robe into a knot of creamy silk. His hand twitched, clenching painfully in the concealing fold of his pocket.

I�hurt�I love�

The admission stole his breath and Jack coughed harshly.

�Are you okay?�

No��Yes,� he put down the cup and took a bite of the popover, unwilling to loosen the death grip on the fabric of his pocket. To free the flexing fingers was to reveal his fears in all their glory. Evidenced by the uncontrollable tremors that wracked from tip to wrist, barely suppressed by a will born of desperation. �Why can�t it?� he demanded raggedly.

�What?�

�What are you afraid of?� he pushed.

�I�m not afraid��

�Yes, you are.�

�And you would know, right?� she retorted sharply.

He blinked, taken aback by the abrupt shift. Yes� �Sam�.�

She shivered and rose to her feet. Pacing around the mess in the center of the floor and coming to a stop inches from the glittering tree. �Jonas knows.�

Jack shifted in his seat. How can I react to what I already know? How can I explain my lack of surprise, and the brilliant flare of hope and terror that must surely show on my face? He rubbed a clammy hand across his forehead and met her pensive stare with firm resolve. �I know.�

�How?�

�I just�do, does it matter?�

Sam tilted her head and closed her eyes, breaking contact. �I guess not.� She crossed her arms and stared hard at the floor. �It�s your turn.�

He lifted an eyebrow, confusion twisting his already nauseous stomach into tighter knots.

Her pale, pink lips lifted in a wry smile. �Not what you expected?�

�No,� he admitted awkwardly. What I hoped? Confrontation brought clarity and bone rattling apprehension. Where, how� Jack shook his head and stood up. His legs burned and itched with the urge to cross the room. He struggled with indecision. Cramming his hands into his pockets, grasping for control. To touch was to invite, to share desire, to admit, to succumb? He swallowed loudly.

�Carter?�

�Sir, none of this has to leave this room.�

�And we�re okay with that?�

�Yes, Sir.�

The echoes of their brief, painful exchange after the Zaytarc testing filled the lengthening silence. Sam pivoted. Her eyes were bright in the lights of the tree. Liquid irises reflected and refracted the brilliant pinpoints, concealing her feelings beneath a shroud of rainbows. Her gaze traveled the length of his rigid stance. Consuming his body like water to the damned. She licked white lips and took a cautious step. The heat of her body washed over Jack. He clenched his jaw and rode the tremors of forbidden pleasure that radiated through his chilled midriff.

I want�I need� Do you?

�It was my choice,� she murmured.

Neither of them had to ask. The words reverberated through heart and soul, wrapping them both in the searing heat of hopes and regrets. �And mine,� he qualified huskily.

�Really?� Sam shook her head, her body lightly balanced on the balls of her feet. Every muscle taut, seeming poised for flight. �Would you have walked away from it all if I had said yes?�

�Maybe.�

She laughed harshly. �I don�t believe you.�

�Why?�

�Because it�s a lie.� The intense gaze flickered and dropped to a point in the center of his pounding chest. �We�re both so good at that.�

�Lying?� he clarified.

�Yes.�

�Maybe.�

She took a second step. The movement caused the shimmering silk tie of her robe to fall across his wrist. Jack flinched, his skin tingling beneath the concealing cuff of the jacket. �I took the option away from us.�

Because who you were, who you wanted to be, was more important� He suppressed a weary sigh. How can I blame you for wanting what I had? An identity couched in the comfort of a career filled with meaning, a life of purpose? I need to make you understand� Jack looked up and pulled one hand from the safety of his pocket. Long fingers twitched anxiously, yearning to nudge the hair from her lashes. �I let you,� he absolved. Because I was afraid� It was easier to leave it in the room; to trust our friends and seek solace in their knowledge and continued silence. Easier, but wrong on so many levels. �You can�t take all this on yourself.�

�Can�t I?� she whispered bitterly. �If not then, how about now?�

Jack clenched his flexing fingers into a tight, aching ball. �It wasn�t your fault and I don�t blame you for it.�

�You don�t?� Her jaw dropped, expression mirroring the mystified tone of her hushed words. �For months you�ve shied away. Every time I tried to reach out you closed up. I wanted to tell you I was sorry��

�You don�t have to��

She hushed his gentle pardon with a decisive slash of one bone white hand. �I don�t want absolution on those terms.�

Listen

Jack licked his chapped lips and followed her trembling fingers as they drifted down to her hip.

�I wanted you to Blend because I couldn�t bear the thought of losing you. But when I finally had time to think about what happened in Antarctica and later at the SGC, I realized something��

Hear

��I realized I had no right to ask you to do that. When had I given either of us permission to reach for more?� She shook her head, a rueful tinge coloring her words. �You gave me the power, the control, that day. And I took it without acknowledging how hard it was for you to let go.�

�Sam��

She moved away. Pacing around the pile of gift wrap and secreting herself behind the concealing, bracing bulk of the bar separating the kitchen and living room. �Each time I reached out, tried to give you back some measure of that control, you flinched.� Sam dropped her head and traced a meandering pattern across the glossy countertop with the tips of her fingers. �There was never the right moment and then��

�You almost died,� he finished in a pained whisper.

Don�t be afraid�

�And still, nothing was said,� she concluded. Her voice lowered, barely audible over the roar of his racing pulse. �The more time passed, the more I was sure you would resent me for waiting. For admitting what I can�t help or change.�

Admit? His heart skipped at the word and its implications.

Say what needs to be said�

�I want my career. It�s my identity, a part of myself I want to grow. Do you understand?� Her voice thickened and icy fingers stroked his soul. �Can you forgive me for that?�

�Forgive?� he blundered into silence, unable to confront the bald request with any semblance of coherency. �There is nothing��

�I realized after what happened with Nirrti that I had no right to control this situation.�

Rights? Was this a question of whom was to blame, who had the authority to decide fate for both parties? Jack shook his head and stepped firmly forward, closing the distance between them. Wants and needs seemed to suck the air from the room, leaving him weak, yet determined. He placed both hands on the bar, opening himself to the hesitant embrace of her plaintive gaze.

�That�s not what you told Jonas,� he countered.

�But it�s how I feel,� she replied, apparently choosing to ignore the how and why of his statement.

�I didn�t walk away,�

�I know that��

Do you? Jack bit his lip and fixed her pale face with an unwavering stare. �Not then and not now.�

Sam pushed away from the bar and leaned on the counter behind her. Her fingers rubbed absently at her folded elbows. Their jerky movements the most obvious sign of the war that barely registered in her large, dark eyes.

Jack rounded the end of the bar and stopped. Her eyes met his briefly and then shifted to the floor between them. The full lips pursed and whitened with strain. �Oh.�

He laughed, and she responded by blushing crimson and dragging a hand through her short, blond hair. Jack caught her arm as it lowered. His fingers traced a feathery trail from elbow to wrist and into the cup of her palm. �I could never resent you for trying. For being who you are. You have to know that?�

She did not resist his tender attentions, but her voice was bitter in reply. �But we can�t be� anything more.�

�Sam��

�No, don�t you see?� She moved closer, her hushed tones taking on a note of desperation. �I resent myself. How dare I expect you to give up the fight? I couldn�t bear to stay behind knowing I didn�t have your back. I won�t force you to accept any less.�

�What if you aren�t?�

�What?�

The warmth of her body enveloped him. Her hair and clothing smelled of musk and the barest hint of roses. Jack felt a stirring deep within. Long suppressed sensations spread through his quivering body and his fingers tensed in hers. Responding to urges denied by propriety, restrained by the astringent grip of fear. His free hand rose and stroked the smooth skin of her cheek. �What if it�s not a sacrifice? What if it�s what I want?�

She blinked, clearly taken aback by the novelty of the thought and the brush of his fingertips. �Is it?�

Jack swallowed hard. Taking the plunge as he forced the reluctant words from his cottony mouth. �Last night I doubted my worth. After what happened on Wodan�s planet I couldn�t be sure if staying around was the best for either of us��

�How could you��

He silenced her protestations by pressing a single finger against her parted lips. �I knew my feelings were getting in the way of doing my job. When Nirrti took you away it was like a knife in my heart. Twisting and turning and when Wodan gave you back�� He licked his lips and cupped her cheek. Staring into the luminous depths of her widened eyes. �I wanted to hold you so much. Never let you go but I didn�t� I settled for thank you and hoped to God that you would hear what I couldn�t say.�

�My name?� she breathed.

�That and more,� he replied as he leaned tentatively forward. �I wanted to tell you I love you and that no matter what, we could make it work.� Jack pressed a gentle kiss to her quivering lips, reveling in the explosion of tingles as flesh met flesh. Sam didn�t need to hear his doubts. Lya had listened with an air of understated wisdom, her advice a balm to his questing spirit and confused subconscious. Jack deepened the kiss. His tongue thrusting cautiously against the tender flesh of her gums, before moving on to languidly stroke the smooth enamel of her teeth.

Sam leaned forward and draped her arms loosely around his neck. Her fingers parted the short, silver hair at his temples and caressed the hypersensitive skin of jaw and throat. She parried his internal explorations point for point. Tantalizing the flesh beneath his tongue and the ridged roof of his mouth with rapid thrusts. Jack released her fingers and brought his hand up to caress the rounded tip of her chin. Gasping into her mouth as he struggled to breathe without breaking contact. Her mouth twisted into a grimace beneath his and he finally pulled away. Releasing her lips with a playful nip.

Do you understand? Do I? Jack cradled her pale face between his warm palms, striving to control the rapid-fire beat of his heart. Positive that at any moment the overtaxed organ would leap free of his aching chest and land upon the floor in a spasmodic heap. The ridiculous image shattered the spell of silence and he smiled softly. Encircling her cheeks with absent fingers, as he held her moist gaze. �I wanted to say so much more� It wasn�t something you did or didn�t do that day in the lab. It was me. The person I was, the man I allowed myself to be�� he trailed off. Overwhelmed by the value of the experiences that had filled mind and heart over the long Christmas Eve.

She shifted, laying her head against his shoulder as she enveloped him in an uncertain embrace. �It doesn�t make sense��

He chuckled at her instinctual reversion to logic. �Does it have to?�

�In my world��

�Am I a part of that world?� He took a deep breath, tightening his grip on her quivering frame. �Do you want me to be?�

�Yes,� she whispered into the fabric of his coat. �Yes, I want you to.�

�Then it doesn�t have to,� he assured.

Sam smiled against his chest and clung for an endless moment. Their hearts beat together and he closed his eyes, enjoying the peace of understanding and shutting out the insistent, questioning clamor that signified the future. Too soon she pulled back and he swallowed a painful sigh. Time was moving forward in spite of their desires to freeze the moment. He grinned at her flushed cheeks and twinkling blue eyes. In the end it had been so easy to make her happy�

Sam ducked her head and snagged his hand. He caught the hint of a mischievous smirk on her full lips and he followed in silence. Suddenly anxious for anything and everything she might choose to share.

They walked around the end of the bar and back into the crowded living room. Sam bent and retrieved the small, white box from the pile of wrapping and ribbon. Her enthusiasm faded abruptly, and a frown replaced the erstwhile grin as she placed the gift in his free hand.

Jack repressed a flutter of concern at the change. �What, I don�t even get to unwrap it?�

She chuckled and indicated the floor with a tilt of her chin. �I was going to wrap it last night��

�But�� he groaned inwardly at the inadvertent reminder. The remnants of the monstrous hangover still throbbed fitfully behind his eyes. Not completely eclipsed by the pleasure of revelation and the promises offered. He slipped free of her loosened grip and spun the box between his fingers. �It�s not a lump of coal��

Sam snorted and urged him to the couch with a nudge on his shoulder.

Jack sank to the soft cushions and released a tired sigh. �I�m afraid I wasn�t in the mood for shopping this year.�

�It doesn�t matter, I think I already have my gift.�

From anyone else the words would have been pure sap, something he would normally avoid. But here and now� Similar sentiments tickled the back of his throat, but he chose silence as he rested the box on his knee.

Sam settled onto the couch and snuggled close against his shoulder. Jack pried the lid from the box, enjoying the pleasurable tingles spreading through his lanky frame. She held the cardboard container as he pulled a navy blue velvet case from its depths.

�I wasn�t sure what to get� I hope this is appropriate.�

Jack dismissed her formality with a slight shake of his head and popped open the lid of the box. A pocket watched nestled within. The silver cover was etched with the soaring image of an eagle with a snake clutched in its talons. He stroked the ridged feathers with admiring fingers and offered her a broad smile. �It�s beautiful.�

�Look inside,� she urged softly.

He removed the watch from its velvet nest and pressed the button. The lid clicked and he pushed it aside. Raised Roman numerals studded the face and thick silver arms marked the seconds, minutes, and hours with silent precision. Above the larger display two smaller faces marked time in two separate zones. Below, the phases of the moon and the date appeared to the right and left respectively. Jack studied the timepiece, touched by the extravagance of the gift. �Wow.�

�There�s more.�

There was something about the words and tone that drew his eyes from the watch. Jack studied her face, noting the anxious twist of her lips and the worried lines that furrowed the creamy brow. �Hey�� he touched her cheek and relaxed when she turned and kissed his finger. �It�s okay��

�Is it? I guess I�m still not sure��

Jack acknowledged her discomfort by leaning forward and kissing the corner of her mouth. �I am,� he breathed.

As he pulled back, she squeezed his knee. �Read it.�

�Yes, Ma�am.� He flinched at her playful slap and raised the watch to illuminate the inside of the lid with the glitter of Christmas lights. A series of words was etched within a delicate circle of leaves. He tilted the watch and gasped as the twinkling rainbow revealed their meaning.

In time
What Dreams
May Come
Yours
Samantha Jean Carter

The world moved into specific relief. The sensation of her body close against his, the smell, taste and texture of their surroundings exploded in a dazzling medley that stole his breath. Jack blinked rapidly, caught unaware by the burn of tears and the throbbing ache that filled his throat.

In time�what dreams.

He placed the open watch carefully on the endtable and turned. Sam was watching his face, her jaw working as she chewed nervously on her lower lip. He leaned forward and gently parted kissed her. Tasting, savoring the sweetness of sentiment, the eagerness of heart and mind. She responded without hesitation. Exploring his mouth and tongue, moving easily into his lap.

Jack cradled her as their kisses deepened. She was soft and pliable, a featherweight in his willing arms. He suckled the rounded edge of her lips and the smooth, tender skin beneath her jaw and at the base of her throat. She arched in response to his caress, and he tightened his embrace as he kissed a moist trail up to her ear and nipped playfully at the lobe. �Are you still unsure?� he murmured.

She twisted in his grip and blew a puff of warm air into his ear and across the taut skin of his cheek. �No.�

He nuzzled her neck and allowed her to sit up. �Good.� She slid off his lap and Jack straightened. Clasping Sam�s hand in one of his as he reached for the open watch. He studied the inscription outlined by the reflected aura of the lights, amazed and gratified at the sentiment. Christmas should be a time of hope, of new beginnings, and of forgiveness. He glanced up and mirrored her hesitant smile. All this and more registered in the artful words engraved in silver and the warm glow hovering in Sam�s blue eyes.

In time�What dreams�May Come�

Merry Christmas, Samantha Jean.

THEEND

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