LAZARUS REVISITED (a story told in two parts)
ITALICS = THOUGHTS
Part Two �Moving On��
Major Samantha Carter�s vintage silver Porsche was parked in front of her house. She hasn�t gone out, Jack pulled up behind the car and shut off his truck. Is she waiting for me?
The absurd arrogance of the thought struck him and Jack shook his head, wincing at the stiffness that persisted. Jesus, don�t think much of yourself do you Jack? Just because you�re in the mood for self examination and resolutions doesn�t mean Sam is!
For a moment Jack considered leaving before Sam had a chance to spot him. His earlier resolve seemed to have vanished like so much smoke and he was left with the all too familiar feeling of exhaustion and desperation that had characterized his life of late.
What am I going to say?
Sam saved him further indecision by choosing that moment to emerge from her house. She didn�t seem to notice the hulking monstrosity of Jack�s truck instead she kept her eyes trained on the ground as she walked down the brick pathway to the sidewalk where her paper had been tossed that morning. She was dressed in a pair of black sweats and a retired Air Force T-shirt. A sweatshirt was slung over one arm, as if she had considered wearing it and decided not to when she felt the temperature beyond her door.
Jack�s heart skipped a beat as he surreptitiously watched her. Even dressed in casual clothes, her expression a million miles away, Sam was enough to drive his blood pressure through the roof. He yearned to hold her, needed to feel the gentle yoke of her arms around his neck, today of all days�
Sam paused and spun around, the paper hanging limply in her hand �Sir?�
Jack nodded and stepped from his vehicle. �Carter.�
�How long were you sitting there? I didn�t see you drive up.�
�Not long,� he gestured at her clothing. �Going for the casual look?�
�It�s Saturday, usually I go to the gym but after last night�I didn�t feel like it.�
�Yeah I know what you mean, � Jack ran a hand through his hair.
She gave him an odd look and shook her head ever so slightly, a hardness in her eyes. �I didn�t drink Sir,� she pointed out and turned abruptly away.
Something cold and unpleasant settled into the pit of Jack�s stomach as he watched her walk up the path to the house and slam the door without a backward glance.
He bit his lip and leaned against the truck. What did I expect? A great big smile, a welcome Jack, come in for coffee? Please! Time to get real here! He pushed off the truck and jogged up the path. Taking the porch stairs two at a time he raised his hand to knock and was abruptly confronted with Carter�s pale somber face.
She stood in the doorway her arms crossed. A resigned sigh escaped her lips. �What do you want, Sir?�
Jack�s heart lurched sickeningly in his chest. There was no light in her eyes, not even the hint of welcome in her pursed lips. Sam was tolerating him in a way he had never seen before. �Carter��
She shook her head at his hesitant tone but gestured for him to come in. Jack stepped over the threshold and stood dumbfounded as he watched her walk down the short hallway and disappear into her living room. Sweet! The bottle of whiskey stashed in his kitchen cupboard was starting to look very inviting. Jack rubbed tiredly at his neck and shut the door.
When he reached the living room he discovered Sam sitting on her couch, her legs drawn up Indian style. The magazine she pretended to thumb through was upside down. Jack reached out and flipped it offering her a small smile. �Works better this way.�
The look she shot him was devoid of humor but filled with anger and a spine numbing pain. He dropped his hand to his side and sat down heavily in the armchair across from her.
Sam closed her eyes and leaned back against the cushions. �What are you doing here?�
�I came to�talk I guess,� he replied sheepishly.
�Oh now you want to talk,� her voice dripped ice.
�Carter��
�You know what? Just forget it alright!� Sam rose abruptly cutting him off with a wave of her hand. Her voice was thick with unshed tears. �Daniel is dead for all intents and purposes, maybe you can just shut that out, but I can�t!� Stunned Jack watched her pace the room, her hands gesturing wildly as she spoke. �This isn�t the SGC and I�m off duty. I don�t have to take your orders. You can�t tell me how to deal with this,� she spun and looked at him mouth slightly open a look of disbelief on her face. �That�s a joke! You telling me how to feel!�
The truth of her accusation stung Jack deeper than he wanted to admit. How many times had both Sam and Daniel brought their hearts into a decision while he had stood back, ever the logical one, always black and white, never gray? His military mind always strictly adhering to the protocols that would keep them safe while they struggled to advance their goals. He knew his gut dictated many of his actions and yet it wasn�t the same as truly empathizing with those who�s lives you were about to influence, be it for good or ill. Jack had never found the strength to do that and he envied those who could.
Sam was clearly shocked by her words. She stopped pacing and stood in the center of the room. Her pale face flushed with color as she licked her lips. �I�m sorry I guess that was uncalled for.�
�Which part?� his quip sounded flat even to his ears.
�You wanted to talk?� Sam slumped onto the couch. Putting her elbow on the arm she rested her head against her hand.
Jack fidgeted, unsure how to proceed in the face of her tirade. Everything had seemed so clear when he was standing in the shower! �Carter, I came to�apologize for what happened in the corridor,� she gasped slightly. �Sam, I�m sorry I blew you off.�
She recovered more quickly than he did. �Then why did you?�
Jack sighed heavily. Why can�t I just say it? After all this time and everything we�ve gone through why can�t I just reach out to her? He dropped his eyes to the coffee table between them. A mug with SGC emblazoned in gold sat half full of coffee. The word regulations screamed through his mind and Jack groaned softly.
�Sir?�
He looked up unaware that he had even made a noise until he saw the concerned look on her pale features. �I�m alright.�
�So,� she prodded, her voice shifting back to a cold, indifferent tone.
Jack�s heart slammed in his chest. I�ve actually gone too far! Suddenly the room seemed small and unbearably cold. �Yeah well I guess that was it�� he got to his feet and was halfway to the door before he felt Sam touch his arm.
�I know why you�re here,� she murmured to his back.
Jack stiffened, his body protesting the words he knew he had to say. �I couldn�t talk to you the other day,� he turned slightly. The pressure on his arm was light but persistent and he sensed her soften ever so slightly as he spoke. �Last night it was easier��
�Because of the beer?� she smirked slightly at his frustrated sigh.
�No Carter, well yes but�Jesus I hate this!� he turned completely and faced her. �The beer wouldn�t have mattered one bit if you hadn�t been there.�
Sam dropped her hand to her side with a muffled slap. �It was good to be together last night,� she drew in a shuddering breath, �makes me miss him all the more though.�
�Yeah,� Jack followed her back into the living room and sat down. �I know.�
A look of surprise flashed in Sam�s dark eyes as she settled herself on the couch. �Me, Sir?�
�Huh?� Jack glanced up at the tone in her voice. Did she hear what I said? He swallowed, suddenly cotton mouthed; I can�t believe I actually said it!
�You said the beer wouldn�t have mattered one bit if you hadn�t been there.�
�Yeah that�s what I said,� Jack affirmed forcing himself to breath. It felt like his whole world hinged on her answer.
�Jack?�
The use of his first name was a jarring but welcome sensation. �Yeah?�
�What does that mean?�
�What do you think it means?�
�I don�t know��
�Don�t you? Come on Sam we�ve been dancing in the dark here for a very long time.�
�But nothing has changed,� she protested in a weak whisper.
�It has for me.�
�That�s pretty selfish don�t you think?�
�I suppose it is,� he acknowledged. �But to tell you the truth I�m past caring about what anyone else thinks. Anyone but you,� he added softly.
Sam squeezed her eyes shut and turned away hiding her face behind one hand.
Jack knelt in front of her and took her free hand in his own. She was trembling slightly, tears shining wetly on her flushed cheeks. �Hey?�
She sucked in a shaky breath and rocked her head slowly from side to side refusing to meet his eyes. �The day Daniel�died. I went to see him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry the Goa�uld healing device hadn�t worked and I wanted to tell him�good-bye�� Sam paused and licked her lips. Jack squeezed her hand trying to do with a touch what he could not find the strength to do with words. She continued in a whisper. �I told him that he had an affect on people, and I told him I didn�t know why we waited to tell people how we really feel.� She pulled her hand away from her face and looked at him then. �It could have been any of us, lying on that bed dying. It could have been you.�
The truth of what she said echoed in the quiet room. The fact that Jack would never have let the Kelowans take things that far was immaterial. Their friend was gone.
Sam sniffed loudly and wiped away the tears from her face �I was angry because you walked away and I was angry at myself because a part of me was grateful that I hadn�t lost you! How pathetic is that!�
Sam it�s not too late for us!
It was the closest she had come to an admission in almost two years. Dangerous feelings of hope flared and Jack forced them back. Without releasing Sam�s hand he climbed stiffly to his feet and sat next to her on the couch. There was no doubt in his mind that he would have descended into a world of bitterness and self-pity if Sam had Ascended/died. Confronted by his own guilty thoughts Jack released a long sigh. �You�re human Sam.�
�That�s not much of an excuse,� she muttered.
�I suppose not and why does it have to be? What�s wrong with admitting we�re fallible?�
�Never been easy for me, Sir,�
He winced as she fell back into their old routine. �We�re not on duty remember,� he reminded gently.
�Sorry�� She dropped her gaze to their entwined fingers. �I wonder if he heard me��
�He did,�
�How can you be sure?�
�Trust me, � Jack smiled slightly and squeezed her hand.
�That�s never been the problem,� Sam murmured. She gently disengaged her fingers and shifted sideways on the couch until they were face to face.
It was the beginning or the end Jack could not be certain as he felt her fingers slide from his grasp. Her face had softened into a thoughtful expression and he waited anxiously, powerless to do more. When she finally spoke her tone was tinged with regret.
�After what happened with the Entity, after you shot me. I tried to walk away. I did it for your sake as well as mine. I knew how much you were hurting after what happened and I just couldn�t bear to be the cause of that anymore so I pulled back. I thought if I could finally find someone else then you would to and we could both be if not happy then at least content. It seemed to be working. At least for a little while��
We�ve wasted so much time tap dancing around this!
The guilt over the incident with the Entity had nearly ruined him. Sam should have died that day. Jack had thanked any power that could be named that she had not been taken from him. Her subsequent withdrawal was like a physical blow compounding his pain. Jack was sure Sam blamed him and was angry and hurt that he had nearly killed her. Now he knew the truth and the relief was exquisite but frightening as well. Jack gazed steadily back at her keeping his expression carefully neutral as he waited for her to continue.
If Sam heard the pounding of his heart she did not acknowledge it. �When I met Joe Faxom I thought maybe I had finally found someone. He was sweet and charming��
Jack stiffened but forced his face to remain impassive. The good ambassador was on his short list of people who could not be tolerated. His death on the Volian home world had been little more than an eye blink to Jack.
�Then there was Adrian Conrad.�
�Our twisted billionaire,� Jack muttered darkly.
Sam continued as if he hadn�t spoken. �They left me alone a lot of the time, strapped to that gurney. I had all kinds of chemicals in my system so most of the time I didn�t even know it if was night or day. I just knew I was in trouble and I knew that somehow you were going to find me. � Slowly she raised her eyes, seeming to drink in the contours of his face. She stroked his cheek with cool fingers. �I knew you would and then you were there��
Jack swallowed hard. The relief of that day flooded over him mingling with fresh hope that Sam was coming back to him.
�I knew I couldn�t let go of what we had, whatever it was�is�but still I couldn�t bring myself to tell you and then Daniel�� she looked away and sighed. �I promised myself I would do something, say something to you, but after what happened in the corridor��
�Stop,� Jack raised a hand to her lips and touched them gently running a finger along the fullness of them before dropping it to her arm. He gave her a gentle shake and a firmly shook his head. �I can�t change what happened in the corridor, can�t change how much I was and still am hurting inside. Sam he was my best friend and I miss him more than I could ever explain, even to myself. But we�re here now and we can�t keep going on like this. At least I know I can�t.�
�I know,� her voice was bitter as she studied her clasped hands. �But nothing has really changed. We�re still in the Air Force, you�re still my superior officer ��
�It won�t always be that way��
�It will for the foreseeable future or is there something you�re not telling me?�
The question caught Jack off guard. �I haven�t thought that far ahead,� he admitted reluctantly.
�I guess that�s the problem, neither one of us can bear to look down the road,� Sam rose to her feet and walked into the kitchenette. �Do you want something to drink?�
A drink!
Jack felt his heart sink. For the second time in as many minutes Sam had pulled away from him.
With a sigh of resignation he nodded and muttered. �Ice Water.� There was no point in pushing Sam any harder and if he were honest with himself he had to admit that their conversation thus far had put him on an emotional roller coaster, equal parts elation and trepidation.
Jesus Sam, can we ever get through this?
Sam stood for a long moment in front of the open refrigerator door. Jack could see her jaw moving as she bit her lip. Her shoulders tensed and he heard a heavy sigh that seemed to come from her toes before Sam turned and poured his water from a glass pitcher.
�Lets go sit outside.�
They walked in silence out into the large open backyard. Flowerbeds filled with brilliant spring tulips and pansies hugged the back wall of the house and skirted the fence. Jack noted the neatness of the beds and the almost symmetrical arrangement of the flowers. Everything was in order in Carter�s life, except where he was concerned. He felt a pang of guilt at the thought but squashed it immediately. Whatever happened it had to be a decision made equally. Sam crossed the yard to the single ancient Oak at its center. Beneath the spreading branches was a swing and she sat on one end gesturing for him to join her.
The significance of where she sat was not lost on Jack. She wanted him close but not too close.
�It�s not entirely true,� he murmured as he sat down.
�Huh?�
�What you said in the house, it�s not entirely true. I have thought about what will happen down the road. What needs to happen, I�ve thought a lot about it, especially lately.�
�And?�
Jack shifted uncomfortably, somehow without him realizing, Sam had tossed the ball that was their relationship back into his court. Was now the right time? Would there be another, better opportunity? Memories of Daniel�s last painful moments flashed through Jack�s mind and he scrubbed a hand across his face and through his graying hair. Jesus Daniel, I wish you were here! He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. But then if you were then I wouldn�t be here, now, in Sam�s backyard�
�Jack?�
His eyes snapped open. Sam was watching him her expression thoughtful and concerned. �I was just thinking about Daniel,� he admitted. He turned slightly but kept his gaze riveted on the bench between them. He could feel his own personal walls begin to firm up again�
Enough!
Jack took a deep breath. �I�m tired Sam, worn out. I can�t keep going through the Gate day after day with anything definite to come back to�I need something more permanent in my life.� I need to know you�re there for me! He wanted to tell her but the words died on his lips. It has to be your choice as well as mine Sam�
He sat in the quiet of Sam�s backyard and watched the play of emotions on her face. Her skin was smooth with just the hint of a flush in her cheeks. There were no lines around her wide blue eyes, no streaks of gray in her blond hair�Damn! Jack shook his head and drained his glass. Was it fair to ask such a young vibrant women to settle down with an aging warhorse?
The difference in their ages had never been an issue but as Jack watched the breeze lift and gently tousle Sam�s short hair he thought how young she looked. Innocent despite all that they had been through.
Sam slid closer her thigh brushing against him and sending tendrils of fire shooting up his leg. He gazed into her blue eyes searching for answers, hoping that he would not find regret or, God forbid, pity, hidden in their depths. Instead there was warmth and a hesitant but distinct welcome. Jack released a sigh daring to breath again. The highs and lows of the last few hours were dizzying to contemplate and he could hardly believe he had survived them. The great good fortune of sitting in Carter�s backyard seemed like an unexpected bonus.
Sam shifted even closer. She reached out and cautiously stroked Jack�s cheek, trailing her fingers across his shoulder and down his arm until they rested lightly in his open palm. �I�m scared,� she whispered. �I�m scared of falling for you completely and then having to watch you�die�and I�m scared that if you retire now, in the midst of the fight, you�ll resent me for it.�
�I could never do that,� he clutched her fingers in his. �Sam I don�t know how much longer I can stand seeing you every day and not being able to touch you. Knowing that Hammond or someone else is always looking over my shoulder�� he swallowed hard, �Yet the thought of not being there to protect you or to pick you should you fall�or hold your hand when our luck finally runs out�� Jack�s voice gave out, the thought too hideous to complete.
She kissed him. There was no warning just a sudden delicious pressure against his lips, her tongue gently probing the corners of his mouth. Jack responded eagerly tasting her, running his tongue along the smoothness of her teeth. He brought a hand up to cradle the back of her head and he felt her arms slip around his neck. Fire raced along his nerves as she swept her lips across his jaw line nuzzling his ear before planting a string of gentle caresses down his neck to his collar.
�Sam�� he breathed, �shouldn�t we go inside?�
Her response was to pull abruptly away, leaving him breathless and shaken. God no! Blood roaring in his ears Jack suppressed a sigh of dismay as they stared at one another for an eternity. Sam was breathing in short ragged gasps her eyes large and luminous. As suddenly as she had kissed him, she pulled him to his feet and walked briskly across the backyard and into the house. The back door slammed in their wake as they fled to the living room and lay upon the soft carpet in front of the couch.
Leaning over him she trailed kisses across his hairline before finding his mouth again, her need evident as she explored every part of him. He worked her T-shirt up over her back and shoulders breaking contact just long enough to pull it over her head and toss it across the room. She was braless and he felt his body respond to her full bare breasts only inches from his lips. She arched slightly allowing him to taste one erect nipple. A shuddering sigh escaped her lips as he suckled hard. Her fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt and finally she just tore it free exposing his chest. She trailed her fingers through the hair caressing his muscular abdomen before moving on to his arms and down to his long slender fingers.
Sam bent and nuzzled his chest then worked her way down to his navel where she butted playfully at his taut stomach. When she brought her eyes back up to meet his Jack gasped at the fire that smoldered there. Can this really be happening? Any minute the phone would ring, the alarm would buzz noisily and yank him from this dream that was too real�
She tugged at his belt and Jack reached down and guided her fingers before running his hands up her muscular legs and over her hips gently easing her sweats from her waist. At Sam�s urging Jack lifted his hips and she pulled his pants free. For a heart-wrenching moment she simply stared and he struggled to catch her eye. What is she thinking?
Sam shifted her position and settled herself upon him, her actions blocking out all conscious thought. Jack watched the world around them fade to a pale colorful blur as they moved together in slow rhythmic circles. He could hardly breath as bolts of exquisite pleasure shot through his limbs. Sam arched her back again and Jack teased and nibbled at one nipple and then the other enjoying the shivers that raised gooseflesh on her arms and across her back. Sam leaned down and kissed his shoulder, trailing her tongue across Jack�s skin and leaving a trail of fire in her wake. She nuzzled his neck and gripped his earlobe with soft lips breathing heavily now. Jack ran his hands over her shoulders and across her back, enjoying the feel of her, reveling in the quivers he elicited with the barest of touches. He stroked her silky skin and breathed in her musky scent�
Oh My God!
Before he was ready he was there. Jack struggled to hold back. The bubble that held them close together on the soft carpet threatened to burst plunging them back into a reality he could not bear to face. This time there was no suppressing the gasps of pure pleasure, he ached to say her name but feared his voice would drive her away, would end the fantasy that this had to be�
Sam was the first to break the spell. She leaned across him nibbling his chest and neck until her probing lips reached his ear. �Oh my God, Jack!� she whispered hoarsely. Ecstasy like white-hot fire screamed across his nerves and he gasped her name in return before giving himself in to orgasm with a long shuddering sigh. She matched him, her whole body quivering as she buried her face in his neck.
When the last of their spasms had ceased Sam lay across him, her breathing slow and deep. Jack embraced her, enjoying the feel of her weight on his chest and the gentle stir of her breath in his ear. For a brief moment he thought that she had fallen asleep. Memories of their time huddled together beneath an Artic glacier brought a grin to his face. Even through the pain of that awful experience he had felt a sense of comfort that she was with him. After a time Sam stirred and Jack released her reluctantly. She sat up slowly raising her slender eyebrows at his odd grin. He stroked her cheek with one finger, too emotionally spent to speak. The world around them gradually returned to its natural rhythms. The distant hum of Sam�s fridge could be heard over the low buzz of insects and the occasional call of a bird sitting at the feeder in front of an open window.
�So,� she murmured softly
Jack shook his head his grin relaxing into a satisfied smile. �That was�unexpected,� he managed after a long moment spent just drinking in her body. So warm and close upon him.
�For me too.�
He cocked an eyebrow but did not answer. If she had regrets it was better to let her take the lead. If nothing else he would have these brief powerful moments of extraordinary pleasure to sustain him.
Sam rose gracefully and offered him a hand up. Jack felt his heart do a slow sickening flip, as she remained silent. A myriad of emotions flashed across her features as she studied his naked form. Eventually Sam reached down and gathered his pants and shirt, she looked at the missing buttons and offered him a guilty half smile. �Guess I don�t know my own strength.�
�Guess not,� he agreed taking the shirt and turning it over in his hands. The cold empty feeling had returned to the pit of his stomach sending an involuntary shiver racing down his back. Sam gathered her own clothes and gestured silently for him to follow her down the short hallway.
Jack had only been in her house a couple of times. He recognized that the hall led to Sam�s spare bedroom and the house�s main bath. �There are towels behind the door��
�Sam��
She bowed her head and shook it slowly. �Not now, okay�just�not now.� Waving a hand towards the bathroom she turned and disappeared back towards the living room and the master bedroom beyond.
Jack swallowed hard his stomach clenching painfully. He considered simply walking out the back door but had to dismiss the idea when he couldn�t find his keys in his pants pocket. �Damn.� His whispered curse sounded incredibly loud in the close confines of the hallway. Suppressing a second expletive he went into the bathroom and ran the shower as hot as he could manage. Clouds of steam filled the small room and moisture ran in rivulets down the mint green walls despite the fan.
He lost track of time as he allowed the water to pummel him red.
Did I, we, make a mistake?
NO!
He had made love to Sam a thousand times in his dreams and now finally fantasy was reality and at least for him nothing had ever felt so right.
This has never been just about me!
Jack closed his eyes and leaned against the wall. Memories of pleasures so recently savored spun through his mind mixing with the shame that now forced its ugly head to the surface. Sam had made the first move but had he forced her into it? The question pulsed in time to the steady thrum of the water. The implications left Jack feeling weak and sick with remorse.
The water turned abruptly cold and Jack stepped from the shower. He made a half-hearted effort to dry off and then forcing his still damp body into his clothes stepped into the empty hallway. His shirt hung open and he shivered slightly at the change in temperature. The smell of coffee assaulted his nostrils as he emerged into the living room. Sam was in the kitchenette buttering what looked like raisin toast. She looked up at him a nervous smile curving her lips. �I have jelly if you would rather.�
�No that�s fine,� he sat on the couch and reached down for his shoes, vaguely wondering how and when they had come off.
�You�re not leaving��
Jack looked up at her uncertain tone. She was dressed in a polo shirt and shorts and he could see her curves beneath the forest green material. Jack felt his body responding against his will he struggled to ignore the sensations. �I�don�t know,� he finally managed.
Sam came and set the coffee and a plate of toast on the coffee table. �Please��
He did not replying choosing instead to watch her over the rim of his coffee cup. She was anxious. Flitting about the kitchen, dropping her saucer and cursing softly as her toast skittered across the floor. Occasionally she would look up and briefly lock gazes with him before averting her eyes to the floor, the wall over his head, anywhere but at him.
Does she regret what happened? Am I really to blame?
Anger supplanted guilt in a heartbeat and Jack took a determined bite of his toast. What�s the problem Jack, are you ticked because it wasn�t your idea and now she�s rejecting you? He devoured the toast struggling to sort out how he felt before Sam could speak and somehow change his mind.
Is having as good as wanting? What price will we pay?
The cost of their momentary lapse could be staggering. Jack swallowed hard. The complexities of the situation brought a dull throbbing ache to his skull and he took a hasty sip of coffee willing the caffeine to clear his head and settle his raw nerves.
When she had her toast in hand Sam returned to the couch and perched on the edge at the opposite end.
�I won�t bite,� he quipped. The coldness that gripped him found its way to his voice and Jack saw her wince. �What just happened here?� He needed to hear her say the words, to confirm his guilt or innocence.
Jesus you are a selfish bastard!
Self-loathing was as powerful as any drug Jack realized. He put his coffee on the table and stared out the open window facing the backyard. The breeze lifted the curtains and brought the odor of lilacs into the room. He breathed deeply, the heady scent a welcome distraction.
�We made love,� Sam answered quietly.
�Is that what it was or did we just have sex? Forgive my bluntness Carter, but the way you�re acting tells me that it wasn�t exactly one of the better parts of your day.� Jack snapped, confusion lending a power to his words that he instantly regretted.
�Are you looking for a rating, on a scale of one to ten?� she shot back bitterly.
�Yeah you�re good at that, sure give it your best shot!� Jack saw her gasp at his accusation but he plunged on. �This isn�t a test! This is about us, if there is an us! Can�t you see that?�
Sam stared at the floor. Jack rolled his eyes and shook his head. �I came over here because I needed to tell you how rotten I felt for having walked away from you and because you are the one person on this whole stinking rock that knows how awful things have been lately�I didn�t expect things to turn out this way.�
�Are you complaining?� she responded in a taut whisper.
�No�I mean yes but not�Jesus, Sam!� Jack leaned his head against the couch. �I didn�t stop you before because I�m in love with you, because its what I�ve wanted for a long time now.� He leaned forward searching her face, trying to sort out the jumble of emotions in her dark eyes. �I need to know if it�s what you want or if this was all a mistake.� The words were out and he sat back with a deep sigh. His heart was slamming in his chest and Jack wondered idly if Sam could hear it, to him the sound was deafening.
The silence stretched out between them intense, and suffocating. With a creeping sense of despair Jack tried to accept that she was never going to answer him. Had she made love to him out of pity? The thought was galling. Or perhaps Sam did not know herself or if she did, she just couldn�t bear to hurt him anymore? The last idea was the kindest and Jack latched onto it, shoving his pain and disappointment to the furthest corners of his mind.
When he could stand it no longer Jack swiped his keys from the carpet where they had fallen earlier and climbed to his feet unable to look at her. �I guess that�s it then,� he wanted to run from her silence but forced himself to walk with measured strides towards the front door.
�It wasn�t a mistake.�
�Huh?� Jack glanced back at her, ignoring the brief flare of hope that that warmed his heart.
�We made love, Jack, pure and simple and it wasn�t a mistake.� Sam got to her feet and crossed to him placing cool fingers on his exposed chest. �I need you in my life.� She looked down licking her lips as she stroked his skin. �I just don�t know where to go from here.�
Jack could not suppress the grin that lit his features. He reached down and took her hands in his. �We�ll figure that out together. I never expected you to have all the answers.� She smirked at his comment and he chuckled softly.
�That�s a switch.�
�This isn�t physics or geology or�well you get the idea.�
�No its matters of the heart,� she pointed out as she disengaged her fingers and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Jack knew there was more to say but there was time now. A weight had been lifted a secret revealed at least to those who really mattered. He enfolded Sam in a sweet embrace drinking in her fresh clean scent and relishing the feel of her supple body against his own. The future would take care of itself for now there was Sam, warm and close and he held her.
*THE*END*
