IN REMEMBRANCE

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He had been gazing intently at the computer for what seemed like an eternity. A blank screen stared back at him, the cursor waiting for his next command. It was a vain attempt at trying to erase the stream of images that continually flashed before his eyes. Wells screaming in pain, Janet trying to comfort him. Suddenly a flash out of nowhere, Janet laying on her back and staring blankly, his panicked screams for help, cradling her dying body in his arms�

To top it off, General Hammond had just stopped by to inform him that he had to turn the tape over to that jackass Bregman. What gave the filmmaker the right to insert himself into something that should remain solely between the people involved?

�Hey, Daniel.�

He jumped and turned abruptly, startled by her sudden and unexpected presence. Sorrowful blue eyes peeked hesitantly around the doorframe, swollen and red from what must have been hours of crying. That was pretty much the norm around the SGC since�Daniel wondered silently if he were in fact the only one on base who hadn�t cried. The tears must be in there somewhere, they just wouldn�t come out. Grief was overshadowed by a feeling of tremendous anger over the injustice of the whole situation.

�Mind if I come in?� Sam asked feebly. She sniffed and wiped the fresh tears away from her face.

He cleared his throat and nodded fractionally. �Sure.�

She entered his office quietly, holding two small books in her hand. Standing before him wide-eyed, waiting expectantly for a hug or some show of comfort. Daniel knew he should respond, but couldn�t bring himself to do it. An impenetrable shield surrounded him, not letting his feelings out or other�s feelings to enter in. It had been that way for as long as he could remember. Always a need to isolate himself and grieve privately. This time was no different.

�I think you should take a look at these,� Sam offered as she handed the books to him. The pages were bound by beige leather with the simple word �Journal�, and the name �Janet Fraiser� in gold embossed letters across the top.

Daniel frowned inquisitively as he reached for the proffered books. �What are these?�

�Well, a bit earlier today I had gone back to be with Cassie,� Sam began. �When I arrived, I found her going through Janet�s things. Among her belongings were these journals. Cassie would like them back of course, but after reading some of Janet�s writing we both agreed that you needed to see them.�

�But it wouldn�t be right,� he protested. �Aren�t these private?�

�Now that she�s gone, I think Janet might want you to know some of the things she�s written.�

�But��

�Trust me, Daniel. You�ll be glad you read them. I�m going to leave now. Please give these back to me when you�re finished, okay?�

Before he could utter any further protests, Sam was gone.

Pushing back his chair, Daniel got up and carried the books across the room. He placed them on a table against the wall with no intention of reading the contents inside. They were, after all, Janet�s personal thoughts. What right did he have to invade her privacy? He returned to the computer determined to begin the translations that awaited him.

After a few moments however, Daniel caught himself glancing back and forth several times between the monitor and the desk containing the books. One part of him knew it was wrong to read Janet�s writing, yet the other part was compelled to know why Sam and Cassie felt so strongly that he should. Chewing on his lip, he stared at the journals for several minutes. Struggling with the conflict that waged within. He shook his head, disgusted with himself for even considering reading the books. Every instinct told him not to do it, but curiosity finally won out. Daniel suddenly found himself standing in front of the table once again. He picked up the books with trembling hands. Gooseflesh rose on his arms and legs as he gently ran his fingers over the front cover and the gold letters that spelled out Janet�s name. Carefully lifting the cover, he began to read�

February 21, 1999

Today, I was presented with one of my more challenging, and frightening cases. SG-1�s latest mission brought them into contact with an alien old man named Ma�chello. At first the team seemed fine, even though Dr. Jackson had been struck with a high voltage shock of electricity. The old man had not fared so well. SG-1 brought him back unconscious and near death. There wasn�t much I could do for him, except to make him as comfortable as possible. He woke up claiming to be Dr. Jackson. Little did we know that through a device Ma�chello had invented, he had switched his consciousness with Daniel. The same thing happened to Teal�c and Colonel O�Neill when they tried to bring the machine home. Trapped within the old man�s body, Daniel�s condition was deteriorating rapidly. Sam tried everything she could think of to reverse the effects of the device, but to no avail. I felt so helpless. He was dying, and I didn�t know how to save him. They finally found Ma�chello and brought him back to the SGC, but he said the process was irreversible. While trying to reason with the alien, Daniel�s heart went into v-fib, and we nearly lost him. I was so scared. Through sheer will he managed to pull through, but there wasn�t much time left. Fortunately, after talking to Ma�chello further Sam was able to figure out how to restore everyone to their own bodies before it was too late. Thank God she did, or we would have lost Daniel. I just can�t imagine what this place would be like without him. I�m so glad we didn�t have to find out.

Daniel scowled and shook his head in disbelief.

I didn�t know she felt that way back then�

Daniel skimmed forward, curious to see what else she may have written. He stopped on October, the month Sha�re died.

October 9, 1999

It�s been a sad time at work these past couple days. On Monday, SG-1 got a distress call from Kasuf. The Abydonians were under attack from a Goa�uld. After the team arrived, Daniel discovered Sha�re there. When he followed her, Amonet tried to kill him with the hand device. Thankfully Teal�c got to them in time, but unfortunately he had to kill Sha�re in order to save Daniel. I�m so worried about him. In typical fashion, he keeps insisting that he�s fine even though I know he must be hurting so deeply. I feel like I�ve gotten to know this fine man pretty well over the last couple years, and I�ve grown quite fond of him. I�ve offered my support, but so far he hasn�t taken me up on it. I wish I could do more to help�

A tight knot formed in the pit of Daniel�s stomach as he stared at the words.

I remember now, she did try to reach out to me, but I just couldn�t talk about it. She was right; I wasn�t doing as well as I kept saying. How did she know? She kept coming to me, asking if there was anything she could do. Asking me if I wanted to talk, bringing me meals. I just thought Janet was showing her usual care and concern. Why didn�t I see how she felt? Why didn�t I tell her how much her support meant to me?

I can�t read any more of this�

He threw the journal on the table, appalled that he even allowed himself to read it in the first place.

This is more than I needed to know�

Daniel got up and left the room. He leaned against the wall outside his office for support and closed his eyes. Drawing in steadying breaths in an effort to regain some modicum of composure.

�Are you all right, Dr. Jackson?�

He hadn�t noticed the airman�s presence. Daniel jumped in surprise and stared at her wide-eyed.

�Doctor Jackson?� The young woman looked up at him earnestly, waiting for a response.

�Yeah�yeah I�m fine, thanks.�

The Lieutenant nodded her goodbye and continued on, leaving him alone once again.

Maybe I�d better go back in there�

Standing in the doorway, his gaze once again drifted to the journals. He took tentative steps towards the table, as though a bystander at some terrible accident scene. Not really wanting to know if Janet had written more about him or what she had said, and yet� Sam had given him these books for a reason. Perhaps he should find out what it was. Daniel picked up the second book and flipped through the pages. Seeing his name again caught his attention.

August 16, 2001

I haven�t written lately as I�ve been up for the last two days and nights with Cassie at the SGC. I am physically and emotionally drained. Nirrti infected the children of Cassie�s planet with a retrovirus, and it started affecting my daughter. She was getting sicker by the minute, and there was no way to stop its progress. Nothing we tried helped her condition. We caught Nirrti trying to get a sample of Cassie�s blood, and we negotiated her freedom in return for healing Cassie. Thank God my girl is all right now. I must say everyone at the SGC has been so supportive, especially Daniel. I wonder if he knows just how much his kindness and concern have meant to me. I�ve been too distracted with Cassie�s condition to tell him, but I�ll have to let him know somehow.

I didn�t think she noticed�

Daniel swallowed hard to quell the queasiness he felt as something he had never considered finally struck him.

Maybe I cared much more for her than I realized�

I wonder how she felt when I�

He deliberately turned the pages to the date of his last mission�Kelowna. May 2002. The date of his death and ascension�

May 24, 2002

He�s gone.

It still feels like some awful nightmare, but he�s really gone.

We lost Daniel last night, and I can�t seem to stop crying. I can barely write, but I don�t know what else to do. It hurts too much to talk. This is the only way I can express my feelings without completely falling apart.

Three days ago, the team returned through the Gate from their mission to Kelowna. Sam informed me that Daniel had been exposed to a lethal dose of radiation. He made the ultimate sacrifice as he was trying to prevent the explosion of a bomb the Kelownans were developing. But his valiant efforts have left me with an aching and emptiness that I�m not sure I�ll ever be able to fill. I know I�m supposed to maintain my �professionalism� and remain detached from my feelings. But having to stand by and watch Daniel suffer during these last three days and nights without being able to do anything to help him was almost more than I could bear. Jacob was trying to heal him when Colonel O�Neill suddenly said to let him go, that it was what Daniel wanted. How did he know? Before we knew it, Daniel was �Ascending�. What does that mean? Is he out there somewhere? Will I ever see him again? All I know is I�ve lost someone very dear to me. The worst part about it is, I never realized until now just how much he meant to me. Or maybe I did, and I just couldn�t admit it to myself. It wouldn�t have been �professional� of me to become involved with a member of the team. God, I really hate that word. It�s cost me a chance to have a relationship with one of most wonderful men I have ever known. Now I�ll never have the chance to tell him how I feel. How am I going to live with that?

Daniel tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat as he stared at the tear stained page. Biting his lip, he blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks.

Janet stayed by me all that time� never left, never slept. I never knew she felt that way. I remember watching her before I ascended. It was so hard for her to let me go. I wonder if she ever knew I was there watching over her after I was gone? Did Jack or Teal�c tell her that they saw me?

July 17, 2002

We finally have Colonel O�Neill back.

I�m not sure we could have stood to lose him. I know I couldn�t have. I still haven�t recovered from losing Daniel.

The Colonel had already been gone for days after being implanted with the Tok�ra Kanan. But we�ve been terribly worried since Thoran returned to tell us that Kanan had mysteriously left their base with no clue of where he could be. We later found out that the Colonel had been captured by Baal and subjected to terrible torture and countless times in the sarcophagus. I�ve spent the better part of a week trying to help him recover from its effects.

The strangest thing happened though, when Colonel O�Neill was first brought back. He was, of course, delirious from extended exposure to the sarcophagus. But he kept saying that he saw Daniel when he was imprisoned in Baal�s cell. I desperately want to believe it, to believe that he�s still out there and that maybe I�ll see him again someday. However, the practical side of me is hesitant to even consider it. I can�t deny, though, that sometimes I think I feel his presence. Maybe it�s wishful thinking. Is it too much to hope for?

Daniel shook his head and smiled wistfully.

Yes Janet, you did feel my presence. I was there with Jack, and with you. I wonder how you felt when I came back�

June 13, 2003

I can�t believe it! If I hadn�t seen him with my own eyes, I�m not sure I would.

Daniel�s home with us once again.

Jonas thought he had discovered the location of the Lost City on a planet called Vis U Ban. While SG-1 was on the planet, they found Daniel there. I was thrilled when they returned with him. He seems to be in perfect health except for one thing. I was devastated to learn that he has no memory of any of us. It seems that it�s some kind of punishment for his interference in trying to help SG-1 and the people of Abydos by fighting Anubis. My heart just aches for him. He can�t recall any of his previous life, and doesn�t understand why. And now I finally have him back and have my chance to tell him how I feel about him and I can�t. How can I explain to someone who doesn�t even remember me how deeply I care for him? I guess all I can do is try to be here and support him in any way I can. I hope and pray that in time his memory will return and I can finally share my feelings with him�

Why didn�t she ever tell me? Why didn�t I tell her how I felt once I got my memory back?

Daniel felt as though the room were closing in on him. He abruptly pushed back the stool and walked rapidly out of the room. Desperate to escape the wave of emotions that were overwhelming him. He knew exactly where he had to go. Back to a place where he could be completely alone. The one place he could feel close to her again.

He sat on the floor in the darkest corner of the room he could find. The tears that had been pent up since Janet was killed finally poured forth. He mourned the loss of this wonderful woman and the missed opportunities of having a relationship with her. The grief and regret were almost more than he could stand.

Suddenly, his conversation with Bregman sprung to mind. Daniel thought about the story the filmmaker had told him about Kristofsky. He had missed his chance to share his feelings with Janet, but maybe there was one last thing he could do for her. He owed her so much. It was the least he could do.

The silence was broken by the sound of footsteps entering the room. Daniel looked up to see the outline of a figure he recognized as Bregman standing in the doorway. The older man walked in and glanced around the room before turning to leave.

�Over here,� Daniel called softly.

The other man paused uncertainly�.

He walked slowly to the middle of the room and tossed the tape onto the bed.

�I�m not going to use it.�

�Wait, I want you to.� Daniel wiped his eyes as he got up and crossed the room. The filmmaker stopped and turned to look at him.

�You know I died in this room? Ascended? Doctor Fraiser did everything she could. She went three days without sleep. Even in the end, she didn�t want to let me go. I owed her�a lot more than I ever gave back. I thought a lot about what you said about Kristofsky. I think this tape shows what Janet Fraiser was all about.�

�Me too.�

�I want other people to know.�

The filmmaker nodded in understanding as he took the tape from the younger man�s hand and left the room..

Daniel looked up, the tears brimming in his eyes once again. He hoped the tape would be a fitting remembrance of the woman he loved.

I never told you how I felt, Janet. Maybe now you know.

*THE*END*