Jack stood in the mouth of the hallway and watched General Hammond give Sam a parting hug before stepping out into the dusk. She held a weary smile until the door closed and then leaned back against the wall. �Thank God.�

He nodded and reached for his half empty beer. �Are you hungry?�

She shook her head, �No.�

You should be�He glanced at her uneaten plate of salad and chicken sitting on the bar.

Sam raised a hand in silent reply to the unspoken question.

Shrugging, Jack turned and wandered into the kitchen. Daniel and Teal�c were quietly talking as they sealed and stored the various leftovers.

There was always too much food at these things� Painful memories snapped at his subconscious and Jack chased them back with the last of the beer. Too much food and nothing else� Fill the body though the heart would stand empty. He picked a hunk of cheese from a platter and smirked as Daniel rolled his eyes. Deal with it�

�MajorCarter, the freezer compartment is full,� Teal�c said. �There are additional perishable food items requiring refrigeration.�

�Take some home, Teal�c.�

�I receive my meals at the SGC commissary.�

�Poor bastard,� Jack interjected.

The Jaffa smiled faintly.

�Just�take it,� she mumbled

�As you wish.�

Daniel wiped his hands on a towel. �We�re going to take off now and give you a chance to,� he glanced meaningfully at Jack, �Decompress.�

Jack did not have a response for the queries and speculations hovering in the younger man�s eyes. He walked into the living room and took a position in front of the window facing into the backyard. Behind him, Sam exchanged good-byes and footsteps sounded heavily in the carpeted hall. The door squeaked and softly shut. They were alone.

He fingered the curtain and studied the dusky shadows of lawn furniture beyond the glass. Words floated through his mind. Phrases of condolence and advice, all of them less than he wanted or needed to say. Sentiment eventually found voice without conscious choice. Spilling forth in a tone that Jack barely recognized as his. �I want you to come up to Minnesota with me.� He turned and watched Sam pad into the room and sink onto the couch. �Next week.�

�I can�t right now. I have too much to do��

�No, you don�t.�

�Sir��

Jack bit back a frustrated sigh and turned around. �I�m asking, Carter.� Again nearly tripped after the name. He repressed it. No pressure�not now.

A faint smile touched her lips. �Fishing?�

�Something like that.�

She pushed a hand through her hair. �I don�t know.�

�Think about it,� he urged.

�What about Kerry?�

The timing surprised Jack as much as the name itself. �Gone,� he answered quietly.

She cocked an eyebrow at the information but did not press. �Next week?�

�I can�t just lock the office and turn in the key.� He frowned at the suggestion. �Much as I might like to.�

�Same here.�

Jack started across the room. �I�ll let you get some sleep. You look like you could use it.�

�Do you have to go?�

He paused in the mouth of the hall and turned back. Intrigued by the question and its implications. �No.�

A high flush colored Sam�s cheeks and darkened her eyes as she stared hard at the floor. �It�s just so quiet with everyone gone. I should be used to this but right now it�s just� I don�t know��

I do. God I wish I didn�t. Jack walked back into the room and knelt awkwardly on the floor. He took her dangling fingers in one hand and tipped up her chin with the other. �Hey.�

Sam blinked rapidly and a tear slid down one cheek.

He wicked the moisture with the ball of his thumb and squeezed her fingers. You don�t always have to be strong. Don�t fight so hard. Let me in. �It�s okay.�

�Someday,� she breathed.

Jack gathered her trembling body against his chest. They rose and settled on the couch, sinking into the soft cushions and into one another with guarded relief. He gently rocked her and stroked the fine, blond hair with his free hand, encouraging relaxation. Tension bled away as the minutes passed and Sam�s breathing became deep and measured. Her limbs sagged and her fingers lay limp in his palm as she drifted towards sleep.

�I�m glad you�re here,� she mumbled drowsily.

He brushed her forehead with a tender kiss. Always�

�I really should stay and supervise the ZPM research.�

Jack fought down the urge to roll his eyes. He should not be surprised by her eleventh-hour reticence. There was always an excuse, always. �They don�t need help for the preliminaries.�

Sam sat down on her porch steps and chewed on her lower lip. �Well Daniel has only just started to catalogue all the materials from Catherine�s estate. Who knows what else is hidden in those boxes?�

�He is perfectly capable of sorting that out and Teal�c will be around to keep him out of trouble.�

�But��

�Ah!� He waggled a finger. �They�ll be up next week and I�m sure he�ll tell you all about the doohickeys they find.�

�Sir��

Jack sighed. There was no point in objecting to the salutation at this stage. Sir and Carter were ingrained in their conscious behavior. There was no point in speculating on what would finally drive them back across the invisible line he had drawn in the months leading up to the Zatarc testing. Still, the word and familiar tone grated in a new way since they had decided to take this long overdue trip.

Sam, does it bother you as much as it bothers me?

He scooped up her baggage without bothering to acknowledge the objection and strode down the walk to the open doors of his truck.

Why are you fighting so hard? Isn�t this trip what we�ve both wanted for a long time? Or is it the subjects that will invariable come up? Us, who we are and where we�re headed? Is that what you wanted to talk about that day at my house? The day Kerry interrupted us�

Anxiety twisted and chilled his gut, making Jack regret the coffee and donuts he had hastily consumed on the drive across town. There was no shortage of paranoia. Sam�s hesitation was aggravating in part because it mirrored his own. He slammed the door on speculation and the luggage and turned around. �Are you coming?�

Sam stood and walked slowly towards him. At the edge of the lawn, she stopped. �You�re sure?�

It took all of Jack�s will not to snap. Isn�t this hard enough already? We have 12 hours of steady driving and we can�t even get on the road! He nodded curtly and walked around the front of the truck. Forcing misgivings to the back of his mind as he climbed behind the wheel. To an objective observer they appeared to be two consenting adults embarking on a lengthy trip. It was so much more. No one could really explain or comprehend it, least of all him.

He waited for her to buckle her seatbelt and settle into the cushions before starting the truck and pulling away from the curb. It was just past 0800 on a Saturday morning and the suburban streets were quiet. A few hardy souls were gardening or washing their cars, trying to beat the heat of what promised to be a scorching September day.

Jack allowed his mind to wander. The drive ahead was scenic but long and already his back and shoulders ached with tension. What are you thinking, Sam? Where will we start or will midnight find us both exhausted by willful silence.

The highway loomed into view. He pulled into the turn lane for the onramp and waited for the light. Sam shifted in the seat and one hand drifted into view. �Music?� she asked.

�Sure.�

She pushed the ON button for the radio. The soothing lilt of Woodwinds filled the cab. Jack lowered the window and drummed his fingers on the edge of the door. The melody ebbed and swelled, nearly disappearing amid the roar of the engine as he accelerated.

�Classical?� Sam mused.

�Blame my mother,� he replied casually.

She put an elbow on the door and leaned her head against her hand. �It suits you.�

Oh? The desire for elaboration warred with the certainty that she would answer with more truth than he could handle. Jack yielded to the safest solution and kept silent as he peered into the side mirror and merged onto the highway. Traffic was comfortably fast and he idly noted that they would make good time until they were forced to take secondary roads.

The music swelled and ended on a single, sharp note. The need to fill the void roared to the fore and Jack flinched inwardly. Come on�play something!

�It�s pretty out here.�

Mundane, I can do that. �You�ve never been this way?�

�Strange huh?�

�Well kind of.�

Sam shook her head. �I�ve been living here for eight years and I�ve just never found the time.�

Jack licked his lips. The territory of �the job� was unnerving in and of itself. So much time wasted in slavery to regulations that were never designed to disallow the heart. I�m not ready to go there�not yet� He reached for distraction. �Sara grew up out here. Her family had a camp�� It was the wrong thing to say. The air grew thin and hot and his skin prickled with cold sweat. Sam looked away and out the open window.

Crap! �Sorry.�

�Don�t be. You have history, I have history,� she said.

Oh very smooth� Jack rolled his shoulders and sat up straighter in the seat. �It�s pretty,� he mumbled as he tapped the OFF button to the radio. Sam laughed softly and he smiled. Secretly relieved and emboldened to try again. �You know I�m from Chicago.�

�Yes.�

�You?� he prompted with a wave of his hand.

�Here and there.�

�Carter!�

She grinned mischievously at his frustration. �Dad was stationed in a lot of different cities when Mark and I were growing up.� The reference caught them both off-guard. Jack endured a flush of sorrow while waiting patiently for her to recover. Just when he was sure he would have to say something about his own misbegotten youth to lighten the mood, Sam continued. �Utah, California, New York State. We were in Germany for four years when I was little. After mom died we stayed with my Aunt for a year.�

�Where was Jacob?�

�Traveling around Europe for the AF.� She brushed wayward strands of hair from her lips and lashes and looked towards the floor. �I hated him for doing that.�

�Duty, regulations,� Jack qualified, hating himself for the reminder.

Her dark, glassy eyes bored into his. �Bullshit.�

He looked at the road, stung by the scrutiny. What the hell have I gotten myself into? �I just meant��

�I know what you meant!� Sam snapped. �It wasn�t the job. He was hiding. He felt responsible for what happened to my mother and he was hiding from Mark and me. As if running away could have changed any of that! He had his years in. He could have retired. Instead, he went on special assignment and took a promotion.�

Jack raised a placating hand. �Okay.�

Sam closed her eyes and took several deep breaths before finally looking at him. �I�m sorry.�

It was going to be a long ride if they spent half the time apologizing. Jack shook his head. The connections between Jacob and himself were too obvious to be ignored. Sam�s disappointment and lingering animosity cut him in an inexplicable fashion. Was this how Sara had felt after Charlie�s death? Abandoned out of guilt? Physically, he stayed far longer than was wise. Emotionally, he hid as deeply as anyone could without going insane. In some ways he had never and would never reemerge.

There was another, more intangible reference hidden within Sam�s outburst. �The job� in all its complexity was the reason why they were here after four years of cat and mouse. The regulations against fraternization were a convenient touchstone they had both utilized. It had never occurred to Jack that he could and should have called in the markers owed to him. Saving the world warranted at least a little leeway. Pride, guilt and fear stilled his tongue.

Sam, was it the same for you? What would you have said had I asked? Is it too late now?

�I forgave him a long time ago, but then�� She sighed shakily. �Where are your parents?�

�Dead and gone.�

�When?�

�Mom in �83, Dad in �92.�

�Two years before Charlie,� Sam surmised.

Jack started visibly at the name. Sam blinked and looked away with an uncertain frown.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and studied the road through half-lidded eyes. The reaction was involuntary and beyond control. Charlie had been named after the late, great Charles Kawalsky. Jack regretted never telling him as much. They served together for several years in special operations and on the first Abydos mission. He never expected to return from that assignment and had no desire to disseminate his demons. By the time they reunited at Cheyenne Mountain, part of his heart had been buried in the ground for two full years and there seemed little point. He did not have the strength to share or the desire to honor and eulogize his son in the same breath. So he told Kawalsky that his son was dead and tried not to wince every time the man�s given name came out of his mouth. Now, here, speaking and hearing the name was far more difficult than it should have been. Jack licked dry lips and focused on a passing van.

�I shouldn�t have mentioned it.�

�History,� he whispered thinly.

The sun climbed high and cloaked the landscape with shimmering heat rainbows as the road stretched out before them. Lulled by the hum of the tires, Sam slipped into a fitful doze. Jack fished out his sunglasses and reset the cruise control to match the flow of traffic. The wind-beaten silence of the cab was heavy with expectations. He chafed at the unfamiliar desire to speak and to listen.

Talking had never been his forte. Sara�s father often remarked that Jack O�Neill was the quietest Irishman he had ever met. The characterization fit and he never found reason to deny or correct it. Time and circumstance were bringing their own desires to the mix, however. Four years of not acknowledging, admitting or talking about the feelings he harbored for Sam were finally taking their toll. He wanted her words and that need was as unnatural as breathing under water. The question remained, could he handle an in-depth examination of his own troubled past in the process?

�Why didn�t you tell any of us about Joe Spencer the barber from Indiana?�

A thrill of surprise shot across Jack�s nerves. He clenched the steering wheel more firmly and eased around a semi without slowing down. �I thought you were asleep.�

�Sort of.� Sam cleared her throat and adjusted the jacket folded beneath her head. �Why didn�t you?�

�I didn�t think it was important.�

�It never occurred to you that the exchange of information could flow both ways.�

�No.�

�Oh please!�

He grinned, enjoying her exasperated sigh. �Well it did cross my mind once or twice��

�How could you not say something? Given the secrecy of the program?�

�Carter, think about this for a second.� He reached between the seats and pulled out a can of Coke from the small cooler nestled there. �You want one?�

�You didn�t bring any diet?�

He laughed beneath his breath and cracked the can. �You didn�t ask.�

�Fair enough.� She snagged her own drink and opened it. �You were saying?�

�What? Oh yeah.� Jack took a long pull off the soda and set it in the holder beneath the dash. �Joe told us he wrote over a hundred stories. In the process, he managed to lose his business, his family and his house. He didn�t sell a single piece of what he thought was fiction.� He shook his head. �I�m no Shakespeare but I didn�t think the reports were that bad��

�Sir!�

He grinned impishly at the smile in her voice. �I think his wife thought I was some clown dressed up as an Air Force General that day in the park.� Which was probably not far from the truth given his feelings at becoming �The Man� after years of bucking the system. Jack snorted derisively. �Took me a half hour to convince her that my stars didn�t come out of a crackerjack box.�

�So you figured no one would believe him and anyone who did listen would think he was crazy.�

�Look at Martin Lloyd and what�s his name�Vernon� from the gas station. Neither one of those guys was lying but left to their own devices��

�They would have wound up on the street or incarcerated at some state facility.� Sam concluded.

�Or worse.�

She took a sip from the soda. �Damn that�s sweet!� She paused, considering his implication. �You mean the NID, don�t you?�

�Yep.�

�I see your point. That still doesn�t explain why you didn�t tell one of us at least.�

There were a lot of things he had never shared. The current conversation was proof enough of that. Jack maneuvered the truck in behind a blue Mustang and followed him past a line of vans and SUVs. �There wasn�t any reason to.�

�Wasn�t there?�

Warning bells clamored in the back of Jack�s mind. �What�s your point?� he asked carefully.

�My point is that you were experiencing something extraordinary and after everything that happened in Antarctica you felt no compulsion to share with anyone? You didn�t see the value?�

Science. He should have been relieved at the familiar segue but anger flared quick and cold at the insinuation that he had somehow failed. �What value! He was a barber for cryin� out loud, not Osama Bin Laden!�

�A barber who possesses the Ancients� gene just like you. That in and of itself is valuable.�

�So now my silence has somehow threatened national security? How? Were you going to drag Joe to Area 51 and plant his sorry ass in that goddamn chair? Looking for another sound and light show?�

Sam pivoted in the seat and tried to catch his eye. �Training someone else to use Ancient technology isn�t a bad idea. The pool of people we can draw from is very limited.�

Jack groaned inwardly. The biggest reason for his silence had yet to reveal itself. A part of him fervently hoped that Sam would stumble over it of her own accord. The effort to both understand and explain was exhausting. �I know that,� he whispered.

�There�s another reason, isn�t there?�

He bit back affirmation and concentrated on the road.

�Something you said in the briefing��

Were you listening with your heart and not your head, Carter?

�You found it relaxing?�

�I did.�

�He, they, reminded you of Sara�and Charlie. Didn�t they?�

Jack swallowed audibly. He had made peace with his former life in part because of the window into Joe Spencer�s world. Until recently, he did not understand why he experienced the odd waking dreams while writing or correcting his reports on base. As the years wore on however, the intrusions became treasured distraction. Without understanding the science he knew that someone�s reality was touching his own and that made the visitations even more precious. It eased the pain and loneliness knowing for certain that the barber�s son possessed two loving, if slightly neurotic parents. Seeing the normal world move forward independent of what they did beneath and beyond Cheyenne Mountain provided strange and welcome comfort.

He ran a hand through his tousled hair and reached for the half-empty Coke. Draining it, he placed the can back in the cooler and looked at Sam.

Her face was pinched in a worried frown. One hand drifted out and he followed it with his eyes until the fingers settled on the cool flesh of his lower arm. �I�m right.�

�Yeah,� he admitted roughly. �Yeah, they did.�

�That�s why.� The hand remained in place as she shifted in her seat. �It still hurts.�

Losing Charlie and losing Sara were two distinct kinds of pain. Neither could be measured or truly covered over. He had tried many times in the hours before dawn. Sought absolution first from the barrel of a gun and later the bottom of a glass. The first Abydos mission assuaged the suicidal urge but he still grappled with alcohol more than he cared to admit to her or anyone else.

What can�t be cured must be endured. The axiom tasted of ashes and salt. Jack grimaced and looked out the window without replying.

Her hand lifted away, leaving tingling heat behind. �I never thought of it that way.�

And it�s strange that I would? Her intention was not to insult but to understand, which was the only reason the retort did not leave his mouth. Jack stared at the passing scenery as he tried to find something more appropriate to say. He was a simple man, incapable of consciously putting on airs for anyone. It still amazed and vaguely horrified him that the Powers that Be would promote him to such a powerful position as director of the SGC. He refused to dwell on what it said for their collective state of mind.

Why is it so hard to believe that my motivations for silence are personal and not connected to SGC operations? In this gathering clime of honesty, Jack dared not pose the question.

�It�s a shame none of the stories ever sold.�

He laughed at the tension breaker. �Yeah, would have made for some great comic books!�

�Are you hungry? I brought some granola and apples in my knapsack.�

�Geez, Carter, trying to turn me into a nature nut?�

�Twigs and bark?� she teased, taking obvious delight in his exasperation.

�Offworld I have to eat that crap. Can�t exactly fit a bag of nachos in a rucksack.�

�Well you can��

�Crumbs,� he growled as he glanced at the dash clock. �12:10, guess it has been longer than I thought. Okay, lay it on me.�

She passed him an apple and wedged the open bag of granola between the cooler and the cup holder on the floor.

Jack chewed thoughtfully on the fruit. He had not expected to discuss Joe and the artifact. Having cleared the air, he felt relaxed and content. The sensation could not last considering the length of the trip and the myriad of topics so long taboo between them. He savored the peace and waited for the other shoe to drop. Ten minutes later it did with a crinkle of plastic and a ringing zip as Sam secured the leftovers inside her pack.

�Why didn�t you say something that day in the lab? The day I showed you the ring?�

What? Jack struggled to breathe evenly around the cotton in his mouth. Her candor caught him off guard. It was out of character and a clear indication that issues of the heart were as close to the surface for her as they were for him. Sam was a soldier in the most unusual war humanity had ever participated in. She was used to confrontations of a physical or even metaphysical nature. For the first time she was turning her considerable skills, skills he had helped develop, inward. Dragging them both closer to an unknowable reality and releasing a fresh burst of pain in the process.

I should have known and yet� Jack licked his lips. �What was I supposed to say?�

�Something.�

�Something?�

�Yes!� Sam slapped her thigh emphatically. �You just stood there and let me prattle on about families and kids like it didn�t mean anything to you.�

�You think it didn�t?� he asked pointedly.

�I don�t know what to think.�

For all her brains Samantha Carter was the most emotionally-impaired person Jack knew other than himself. He shook his head in mute amazement. Flat-footed, blind-sided, caught unaware: no single phrase could adequately describe his feelings that moment in her lab or in the ensuing weeks. �I didn�t know what to say,� he admitted softly.

�You knew I had been seeing him.�

�I knew.�

�It never occurred to you that it might be serious?�

�Carter, do you think I have time to follow your love life?� To say nothing of inclination� Jack swallowed hard and guided the truck around an overloaded station wagon.

�That�s not what I meant.�

�It�s not?�

�No, damn it!�

�Well?� he prompted impatiently.

�I wanted you to say something. Tell me it was a mistake. I wasn�t sure�� She sat back and cast unfocused eyes to the ceiling. �How many women hang onto an engagement ring for two weeks before they say yes?�

The words were faint, almost plaintive. Spoken for personal clarification as much as for his benefit. She was ready for this discussion and yet she was not. The incongruity slowed his pulse to a sluggish beat that sloshed hollowly through his head. Am I any different? Yes�no� Jack rubbed a hand over his stiff neck and stared out the windshield. Meeting her eyes for even the barest moment was unacceptable, no matter how necessary. �I couldn�t.�

�Why not? Why now and not then?�

�Because you had made your choice.�

�No I hadn�t.�

Sam, how can I make you understand what it did to me to see that ring? He settled for part of the truth. �Seemed that way to me.�

�I told you I hadn�t said yes yet. You knew I wasn�t sure.�

�I didn�t know anything,� he retorted sharply. �Do you think I would have sat on my hands for four years if I had a goddamn clue where your head was?�

She stared at him. Moist lips slightly agape as the echoes of his exclamation disappeared in the rush of the incoming wind. �You were waiting for me?�

Jack focused on the road. He had not planned to be so blunt but like a wraith his own fractious emotions had stolen up and ambushed his self-control. There was no turning back now. For good or ill he was committed. He maneuvered the truck around a semi and glanced at a passing sign. They were five miles from the next exit. The next opportunity to turn around. He nodded fractionally and waited.

Sam�s lips pressed into a firm line and she turned away. �It�s never been completely up to me.�

�Sir, none of this has to leave this room.�

�And we�re okay with that?�

�Yeah.�

The observation room and the whirling red indicator of the Zatarc detector flashed through memory. Jack shrugged away a persistent shiver. �Hasn�t it?� he challenged. I asked�you chose�

�Did you expect me to give up my career after the incident with the Zatarc detector? Because that�s where we were then.�

�Of course not.�

�Did you ever offer to give up yours?�

The crux of the matter. Jack chewed his lip, resisting the words that crowded his mouth until only the barest whisper could escape. �If I had?�

�I couldn�t let you do that, it wouldn�t have been fair,� Sam protested vehemently.

Fair? Who ever promised fair? Jack shook his head. �I�m an adult, Carter. I can make my own choices.�

�Okay fine, then what about me?�

�Excuse me?�

�I couldn�t live with myself if I thought you were giving up your career for me. I couldn�t promise anything. How could I expect you to take that chance when there was no guarantee of a future.�

�Life isn�t about guarantees,� he parried. �It�s about taking chances. It�s about�living.� The words were clumsy, the sentiment sincere. Would she see the distinction? Jack shifted in his seat and tapped the signal lever on the side of the steering column. He had to get out and stretch his legs. More accurately he needed some physical and emotional distance from Sam�s confusion. The strength of which threatened to force him deeper and further than he had ever intended. Truth was a tricky proposition for the most emotionally stable of people, treacherous to hearts and minds so long suppressed.

He took the exit and at the bottom of the ramp turned left, passing under the highway. The route was familiar after eight years of semi annual trips. A quarter mile up the road there was a pull-off with a scattering of picnic tables and a portable toilet. The back of the cleared area dropped down into a small patch of woods crisscrossed by a hiking trail and a stream. Time be damned, Jack needed to touch the ground and smell the pine. Anything to dissipate the cloying sensation that he had made a monumental error in judgment: then and now.

The dirt lot was deserted. Jack sighed in relief and parked. �I�ll be back in a few minutes.� He exited the truck, wincing as his stiff knees took his weight.

The smell of recently mowed grass and pine pitch assaulted his nostrils as he walked around the front of the vehicle. Jack stretched and pin-wheeled his arms to restore the circulation before proceeding over the curbing and into the picnic area.

Trash caught in the weeds growing beneath the tables and skirting the trees. Bits of plastic and metal glimmered in the sun, making him squint. Shaking his head in disgust, Jack put on his glasses and walked the edge of the clearing. Eventually, he found the trodden grass and broken twigs at the head of the trail. Without turning around, he slipped into the trees.

Cool greenery embraced him and thoughts flowed free as he walked down the trail towards the stream.

As much as Jack depended on facts, he also operated on instinct. Matters of the heart could not be decided by reason. He yielded to this simple logic with complete abandon when it came to one Samantha Carter.

There had never been any promises, nor were any expected. Five years earlier in Hathor�s cryo-chamber friendship became something more than either of them anticipated. Waking up to that beautiful face, touching and holding her felt better than anything had in a very long time. Jack wanted that feeling to last and as the years passed he did everything he could to secure a place in her world. No matter how small. There was never a need to push or demand. They simply existed as a constant for one another when everything else was in a state of flux. He depended on her mind and heart without conscious thought and he tried to offer the same.

A year ago circumstances changed after the incident aboard the Prometheus. Where once there was contentment, restlessness now reigned. Sam began to actively search beyond their unspoken understanding. Pete Shanahan or someone like him was the next logical step. Even then Jack continued to blunder forward like a blind fool in the face of their burgeoning romance. Her appearance on his front porch after the Ancients� download had been a shock. Worse yet were the clumsy attempts on both their parts to try and address what was left between them.

Jack emerged from the trees and stood on the edge of the stream. Sunlight glinted off half-hidden rocks and spattered the ground in shades of tan and amber. His eyes wandered over the patterns as his thoughts vacillated wildly between the past and present.

General Hammond called him into his office after Pete was shot during the incident with Osiris. The memory of the brief conversation was tinged with bitterness.

�What is your opinion of Pete Shanahan?�

�Sir?�

�Do you think he can be trusted with knowledge of the program?�

�He�s already seen more than most people.�

�If he starts talking about what he�s seen do you think he would be credible?�

�Too some he would,� Jack allowed.

�How do you feel about his behavior leading up to the stakeout?�

�He�s a cop, Sir. I suppose some of his�enthusiasm�can be excused by that.�

�Some, not all,� Hammond countered.

�Carter trusts him.�

�Do you?�

�I don�t know him.�

�But you know her so you�re willing to accept a few things on faith.�

Willing�No, he had not been willing. Sam�s new found happiness was on the table though. It hurt to see her stepping away but he could not bring himself to deny what it appeared she most desired. The silent pact to support her at all costs came into play at that pivotal moment and he agreed to take Pete into the confidence of the SGC.

The destruction of the Alpha site, Janet Fraiser�s death and Woolsy�s investigation coalesced into a blur of images and feelings best forgotten. He did remember the sortie to the Ancient ruins and the split-second decisions to absorb the repository into his brain for a second time. Afterwards was smoke and glass as he viewed the world from an ever-growing distance. Finally losing touch with everything except the feelings of friendship and love exuded by those around him. Waking up on Thor�s ship had felt like a dream. Half-formed recollections of his last moments beneath the ice and the preceding journey filled his skull in a jumble of sights and sound both foreign and familiar. Daniel�s and Teal�c�s explanation gave him a focal point but little else. He tried to make sense of the morass and not get lost in the consuming desire to find Sam at all costs. Fifth and his cohorts were simply an obstacle to be surmounted. It was only later in the privacy of his former office that Jack indulged in a serious bout of the shakes. The Replicators were on par with the Goa�uld for a universal threat. Duty to country, to humanity, demanded nothing less than his full attention. Crisis averted, his thoughts turned inward and he submitted to fear and blessed relief. Losing Carter to either menace presented a far greater risk to his sanity. No matter that her heart seemed to be taken by someone else.

Three months later she held out a small velvet box and his fragile shell of denial crumbled to the floor.

Jack ran a hand through his hair and kicked idly at the gravel bank. Say something? What was I supposed to think, let alone say? Tell you not to do it. Tell you what an idiot Pete Shanahan was and is? How could I speak up without sounding like a jealous ass? He scowled, tasting truth in the characterization. The chance to �say something� fled like shadows when he snapped the lid closed and put the box on her desk.

The perception of finality laid waste to the vestiges of hope. He withdrew, deliberately refusing to acknowledge how hard it was to hear about her wedding or to celebrate joys large and small that touched all of their lives. Ry�ac�s Bonding found him numb and unaware of her continued effect. Talking to her, grasping her arms in the hallway was the first and last time he dared let feeling bleed over reason, until Jacob�s death.

Now here they were with two failed relationships in tow and nary a clue on how to proceed.

Pathetic.

Jack bent and retrieved a pebble from the bank. Turning slightly, he skipped it across the rough water and onto the far side. A second and then a third followed it, each one flying further than the last. The fourth time he snagged a handful of rubble and flung it recklessly. The stones splashed and clinked, rattling the air with an uneven staccato.

Damn it!

Birdcall and the muted shiver of leaves and pine needles answered the unspoken curse.

He dusted the dirt from his hands and turned away from the stream. Only self-recrimination and doubts dwelled in the quiet glen. It was too late to turn back, was it also too late to go forward? He walked up through the trees and out into the clearing.

Sam was seated at one of the picnic tables. She stood at his approach. �Are you okay?�

Not really� He shrugged.

�Do you want me to drive for a while?�

�If you want to.�

�Okay.�

They climbed back into the truck and returned to the highway. Jack leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes. He did not expect to sleep.

What�

A hand prodded gently at his shoulder. Jack coughed and straightened in the seat. Blinking to focus, he peered out the window at the setting sun. �What time is it?�

�Nearly 1730,� Sam replied. �You were really out.�

I was? He confirmed the time on the dash and shook his head to clear the cobwebs. He hated napping in a vehicle. The vestiges of dream and the echo of passing traffic combined to make him feel worse than if he had just stayed awake. �I guess I was tired,� he mumbled testily.

�I guess you were.� Sam pointed at the map lying open between them. �We�re making good time.�

�Uh huh.�

�Did you want to stop for supper?�

He wiped the sleep from his eyes and rolled his shoulders. The kinked muscles prickled painfully and he swallowed a groan. �Not hungry.�

�Oh.�

That�s it? I suppose I should be grateful for small favors.

�About before��

I should have known� He expected, even wanted to continue their earlier discussion. Unfortunately, where and how they left off was not very encouraging. Jack cleared his throat but she held up a hand.

�Wait.� The hand fell to kneading the denim stretched across her knee. �What you said�you were right.�

I was right? Jack ducked his head to hide a small smile. It was rare indeed to see something that Sam did not.

She slapped him playfully on the arm. �Stop it! I know what you�re thinking.�

�Didn�t fool you, huh?�

�No!�

He smirked, hoping to garner a smile in return. She relented, after a pause, with a small grin that did not touch her eyes. Jack sobered. �What?�

�Dad said the same thing� sort of.�

God all this was hard enough without the constant specter of Jacob Carter. He sighed heavily. �What did he say?�

Sam bit her lip and concentrated on a passing van.

Silence stretched wire-taut between them. Jack fidgeted with the change in his pocket. He verified their location via a passing sign and then folded the map incorrectly. Frustrated, he jammed the paper down beside the cooler and tried to catch her eye in the rearview mirror. She stared at the road, refusing to yield. �Carter,� he urged tightly.

�Do you remember my report about what happened aboard the Prometheus during the second shakedown cruise?�

Remember it? What does that have to do with�? Jack swallowed the words and nodded slowly. �Yes.�

�I didn�t put everything in that report.�

�Meaning?�

�I didn�t figure out how to get out of the cloud completely on my own.�

�What?�

�Well I did but,� the lip disappeared completely as she drew a steadying breath. �I saw�people. People I know.�

Jack folded his arms and pressed his back into the niche between the seat and the door. A portion of answers long desired lay at hand. So close he could see it in the lift of her small chin, sense it by the way her dark eyes leapt from the road to his face and back again. Come on�

�Teal�c warned me not to sleep and later not to trust my perceptions about the alien ship. Daniel wanted me to try and communicate and understand them.� Her lips curled slightly. �I think it was my subconscious somehow trying to protect me.�

He nodded at the description. Don�t stop now, Carter.

She pushed on the gas and the big V-8 roared. They accelerated past a panel van and a car carrier before drifting back to the slow lane. �There was a little girl too, I�m not sure who she was supposed to be. Myself as a child maybe?�

�Maybe.�

�When I was sitting in the commissary, Dad came to see me.� Sam lowered the window. Cold night air flooded the cab, bringing the smell of wood smoke and exhaust. She smoothed strands of blowing hair and stared straight ahead. �He told me that it was time to let go of the things that have kept me from finding happiness.� Jack jumped as a bark of harsh laughter spilled free. �Ironic considering how he lived his life, don�t you think?�

�A bit.�

�I told him I was happy and I really believed it. I was arguing with myself but I didn�t know it at the time.� Sam raised the window until only a small gap remained. The air whistled and picked at the dust and sundries littering the dash. She sighed and punched the control again. The noise ended abruptly. �When I got back you were there and all I could think of was what Dad had said. What I had said to myself.� The truck drifted out and around another semi. She looked briefly in his direction before turning back to the road. �I didn�t want to hide behind �the job�. So I went looking and I found�Pete.�

Jack rubbed a hand over his face. There were gaps in the story. A leap in understanding that could not be entirely explained by Jacob�s influence. �Where was I?� he asked pointedly.

Her knuckles turned milk white in the gathering gloom. �You were there.�

And? Creeping fear roiled his stomach. Jack swallowed nausea and reached for her knapsack. He pulled out a handful of granola and chewed mechanically. God Carter, what did you imagine I would say? What would I have said given the chance?

�I was so tired,� Sam continued woodenly. �So tired and I was sitting on the floor. Then you came in and told me to get up and go save my ass.�

�Sounds like me.�

She smiled softly. �Yeah, it did.�

The smile fell away. Her cheeks reddened and her eyes turned dark as the words stuttered out. �You called us friends and when I questioned it, you said you were being honest. I asked if my quitting the Air Force would make a difference. You said you would never ask me to give up my career.� She glanced to the side. �I was right about that.�

�Yes.� He wanted to elaborate. The change in her attitude after the incident aboard Prometheus finally made sense. But there was more and not all of it pleasant he sensed. It was harder but wiser to keep silent.

�It shouldn�t be this difficult,� she whispered angrily. �I wanted your words. I wanted an excuse for holding back all this time but you wouldn�t give it to me. I was lying to myself even then.�

�Carter��

�I challenged you. I wanted you to tell me that you cared and when you wouldn�t say it, I told you I would let you go. Like I ever had you in the first place.

Always�

Matters of the heart and not the mind. Jack looked out the window, unwilling to let her see the confusion the revelations had educed.

Sam�s fist rose and fell on the steering wheel, pounding out rhythmic counterpoint to her words. �You said that you were the safe bet,� she bit out. �I thought you wanted me to go out and find someone. I gave myself permission to throw away�God I don�t even know anymore.�

�Too many promises,� he quietly remarked. �It was all in your head, Carter.�

�I know. That doesn�t change what happened afterwards.�

�Nothing can.�

�I kissed you.�

What! �You kissed me?�

�Well I imagined kissing��

�Me,� Jack completed as he turned towards her. �Was I good?�

�Oh God!� She shoved him good-naturedly. �What do you think?�

�I�m more interested in what you thought,� he quipped.

�I�ll let you know after we�ve kissed.�

After? The concept caught the breath in his throat. The events of the last few days had prevented any serious contemplation of when or if they would become physically intimate. The Mountain itself forbade anything but duty. The world beyond regulations and the overweening influence of the Stargate seemed almost ethereal. Until the present moment, Jack dared not look too close. A blink, a sigh and all would disappear with the buzz of the alarm clock. Hearing the implication from Carter�s lips shot tingles up and down his spine. �I�ll hold you to it.�

She smiled wanly and pointed out the window. �Is there anything off this exit? I�m starved.�

�Depends on what you mean by anything.�

�I mean anything!�

An hour later, Jack slid back behind the wheel and returned to the highway. They would be getting off in a few more exits and taking secondary roads for the remainder of the trip. The route was confusing and he craved the distraction.

At supper, their discussions were surface. Each of them retreated to the safety of friends and non-classified work activities in lieu of more stressful topics. He wanted to be angry with Sam for presuming a hold on him. Truth was a tremendous succor for a bruised ego though. Somewhere between the hamburger and a large slice of pie he let a portion of that unjustified ire loose. A modicum remained, however, festering questions and irritation at his own inadequacies. Sam knew and acknowledged, albeit unconsciously, something that heretofore had been far too difficult for him to understand. Let alone admit. How was it possible for her to make sense of a relationship that had never existed in the light of day? Was he really that dense? Or was it simply that he could no longer endure the vagaries of her emotions so he shut down and pulled away. Reaching out only sporadically and finally not at all after the ring?

�Penny,� Sam said.

Jack yawned and slowly reoriented his brain to the present. �For my thoughts?�

�Something like that.�

He took the exit and turned right at the bottom of the ramp. �Four hours if the speeds are good.�

�That�s not what you were thinking about,� Sam chided.

�True.�

�I really thought Pete was the one, at least for a little while.�

The road was deserted and dark. Jack swallowed a sigh, grateful for the minimal illumination of the dashboard lights. Frustration, anger, and pain were safely hidden. Only words would or could betray.

Her hand settled on his shoulder. The fingers squeezed the leather-covered flesh, stroking and caressing in slow circles. �I�m sorry,� she murmured thickly. �I hurt you so badly that day in the lab and I was too dense to see it. Even now��

Tears were another matter entirely. Their effect was undeniable and instant. �Carter, don�t��

She jerked away. �I didn�t mean��

No! He reached out and caught her hand. �Tears,� he explained hastily.

�Oh.� She sniffed deeply and relaxed. �I thought, well you know what I thought.�

He stroked her knuckles with his thumb. Deftly exploring the dips and scars that crisscrossed the pale skin. �I know.�

The twisted roadway demanded attention and after a moment Jack reluctantly put his hand back on the wheel.

�I don�t really know what I expected you to say that day. I should be used to you not saying anything at all.�

�Talking isn�t my thing.�

Sam pushed a hand through her hair and pivoted to face him. �It might have helped.�

�When?�

�After Baal.�

God, don�t go there! It was the last topic Jack ever expected. He swallowed hard. �Maybe.�

�You never talked to any of us about it. Not even Daniel and he was there.� She smiled faintly. �In a manner of speaking.�

�I talked to McKenzie.�

�Because you had to.�

He shot her a warning glare. �What do you want from me?�

Sam drummed her fingers on the seat divider and held his gaze for a long moment, defying the barrier of past pain and future fear. �This trip is about us, isn�t it?�

Us? He rolled the word around on his tongue, tasting sorrows and regret. Was there such an animal? Will Daniel and Teal�c find us enmeshed in a web of silence too deep and prickly to ever overcome? �It is,� he agreed.

Baal, the Sarc, the cell� God, I don�t want to talk about this, not now, not ever!

�I wanted to come and sit with you during the withdrawal.� Sam continued. �Janet said it was�difficult� that I should stay away because you wouldn�t want anyone to see you like that.�

�It was.� Jack sighed raggedly as cold sweat beaded his forehead and palms. Please don�t do this� He flexed his fingers around the steering wheel. �And no, I wouldn�t have.�

It was bad enough that Janet, a trusted colleague and friend, had been there throughout. The hallucinations were as vivid as the physical symptoms and he would have shed sanity like a second skin if not for the doctor�s stolid presence. Her voice anchored him, her hand kept him still when all he wanted was to run from the pain. Losing her was more personal than he ever let on. There was no honor great enough for someone who had guarded his soul during one of the darkest times of his life.

Kanan left a different kind of void in his head; a gray place rife with confusing imagery and sensations that he could not understand. Two years of contemplation and intermittent counseling and some questions still remained.

From the beginning of their association the Tok�ra had been consumed by his quest to rescue Shaylin. Jack�s innate sensibilities of duty and honor enhanced rather than spawned this obsession, which directly contradicted the assumptions of his friends and the Tok�ra high council. He saw no reason to clarify the facts, especially after learning SG-1�s reasoning for encouraging Lord Yu to attack Baal. He would keep his counsel out of gratitude and respect for those that had risked everything on a hunch of faith.

The Blending should have been beneficial in more than a physical sense, at least according to Jacob. Jack experienced the darkest side of Kanan�s nature however and hated the Tok�ra people more than ever as a result. Melded with his mottled past, Kanan�s obsessions made for a maddening miasma that would have eventually overwhelmed him. Neither human nor symbiote could reason with bitterness and rage. There was no way to assuage the self-recrimination he projected into Jack�s heart and mind. Once he recovered from the Ancients� disease, he tried to make Kanan see reason. The exercise was exhausting and ultimately futile. After being debriefed by the Tok�ra high council, Kanan immediately began to formulate the plan to infiltrate Baal�s fortress. In the end his courage did not match his conviction and he fled into the muck and mire of the planet�s surface. Suddenly Jack was alone, temporarily bereft of memory, made weak and helpless by the symbiote�s abrupt departure and a Staff Weapon wound.

The worst of the withdrawal symptoms had passed when he awoke to SG-1 quietly talking at the end of the bed. Physically, he was on the road to recovery. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually the journey was far from complete. �You didn�t need to see that,� Jack whispered.

�I should have been there. I wanted to be there, don�t you understand that?�

�Carter��

Her hand slapped the dash, making them both jump. �This whole mess isn�t just about my indecision. It�s about you not letting me, or anyone else for that matter, in!�

�It�s not my nature.�

�People can change.�

�Is that what you want to do, change me?� He laughed bitterly. �Lots of luck.�

�Relationships are about growth and change.�

�You�re giving advice now?� Jack retorted sharply. �That�s interesting.�

�Interesting?� she repeated.

�I was being kind.�

�Don�t do me any favors.�

�Fine, how about that�s bullshit?�

Sam shifted to face the window. Her milky reflection stared back at them. The eyes large, fathomless, the cheeks stretched and pale. �I guess I deserved that.�

�Some things are best left alone,� he advised in a kinder tone.

�And some will only get worse if they are allowed to fester.�

�Maybe.�

�You still dream about it.�

Tendrils of cold fire licked along Jack�s frazzled nerves. One hand balled into a fist and fell into his lap. The fingers flexed and clenched of their own accord and he felt the blood drain from his face.

No�

He tried to never leave himself vulnerable to accidental observation. Taking the promotion to General made it easier. He rarely went off-world anymore so no one could see how disturbed his sleep patterns still were. How little time he actually spent in bed as opposed to pacing the floor. When he did attempt to sleep, years of combat training had ingrained the need for silence. Crying out, talking, breathing heavily, excessive movement�all were telltale locators in enemy territory. He slept as still and quietly as the dead. Kerry had remarked on it several times. It frightened her and assured him. No one knew how tightly he held on to control.

Except Sam.

Jack�s tongue flicked over lips grown cold and hard. �Do I?� he countered.

�Yes.�

�Carter, people get over things��

�Really?� She laughed mirthlessly. �Who are you trying to convince here?�

He gestured into the empty air. �Look around.�

�Look in the mirror.�

�What ever gave you the impression that I still dream about that�situation?�

�You mean aside from your reaction just now?�

Jack grimaced. �Yes.�

�I know you,� she replied hesitantly.

�That�s it?�

Sam huffed a sigh. �You�re not going to give an inch here, are you?�

�Why the hell should I?� he grated. The rancor was fed by fear and he was powerless to control it. Memories burned and seeped like wounds that refused to heal. Sam, stop�please�

Her tone altered to a low, level plea. �I�watch you,� she said. �I hear what you don�t want us to know. Don�t you understand that?�

�Why?�

�What?�

Jack sighed shakily and stared hard at the road. �Why would I know or understand this? For that matter why pay attention at all?� Confusion and fear rose like a molten tide. His pulse quickened and his breathing grew shallow as he fought the eruption. What the hell have I been to you over the last year? If you cared how could you have done this to me? To us?

�I never stopped caring.� Sam brushed a hand over her eyes. �Even after Pete came along, I never stopped.�

Bullshit! He clamped his teeth over the expletive and dug his fingers into the leather cover of the steeling wheel. Lies! You don�t plead with a person to hang on, to live, and then turn your back! You don�t show them a ring or talk about your plans for a family! You don�t treat someone you care about like that! A stuttering gasp seeped out of his pursed lips. Jack blinked away the sheen of unwanted tears and bit a chunk out of the inside of his cheek. You don�t do those things and expect a man to just sit back and watch his world crumble to dust.

�I can�t talk about this anymore,� he managed raggedly.

�Can�t or won�t?�

My God� Jack swallowed bloody froth and jammed his foot down on the accelerator. The truck leapt forward. Utility poles blurred to smudgy pickets as the headlights swept up and over grassy knolls and across the broad, pitted asphalt.

Sam did not flinch at the tirade. She clamped white knuckled hands onto the edge of the seat and the dash. Holding tightly against motion and vocal retort.

Let it go! For both of our sakes just leave it rest! He stared straight ahead, seeking distraction in the curvy road. Was there a point to her persistence or simply a desire to punish wrongs he could not fathom? Why dredge up the past when the future finally seemed within reach?

�Are you done,� she asked after several minutes.

Jack eased back on the gas and lowered the window. Night air bled into the cab, carrying the pungent aroma of rotted plants and the low hum of trawling insects. He propped an elbow on the door and leaned his head against his sweaty palm. Am I?

�I know how it looked and how it sounds,� Sam qualified. �I know why you don�t believe me.�

�What were you going to say at my house last week?� Jack ignored her sharp gasp and kept his eyes focused forward. He would not let her see how hard it was to ask the question. Hurt, soul-deep and river-wide demanded proof that her candor was not fraud before he spoke another word.

Sam gestured expansively. �This, I guess. At least some of it anyway.�

�You said you had been trying to work up the courage to speak to me for a long time,� Jack reminded. �What does that mean?�

�You were listening?�

He rolled his eyes and threw her an irritated glance. �Yes, I was listening. What did you mean?�

�What? Do I have to spell it out for you?�

�I�m a simple man.�

�Intentionally, sometimes.�

�Carter��

�I care! Is that plain enough?�

�Then why Pete?� Jack retorted vehemently. �Why do that to��

�You?�

He flinched at the implication and rubbed wearily at his forehead. �To yourself.�

Sam sat back in the seat and looked at the floor. �Because I thought that was what I wanted. A normal relationship.� She curled her lip at the word. �Someone who would view me as a woman and not a soldier, a scientist, or some kind of super being with all the answers.�

�Ah.�

�Do you understand what I�m saying?�

Jack shrugged and offered the ghost of a smile. �Not really.�

Sam snorted at his deliberate ignorance. �I thought he could give me what the Air Force, what you, could not.�

�Did he?�

�Never.�

The spark of triumph faded immediately to ashes. He wanted to be grateful but only sadness bloomed as the admission died beneath the wind. Jack straightened in the seat and brushed a fleeting touch across her limp fingers. �I�m sorry it didn�t work out that way.� For the first time it was truth and not deception. Everyone deserved contentment. He had accepted the necessity even as his heart lay in pieces on the floor of her lab. �Really. I never wanted you to be miserable.�

�Not even after the ring.�

Jack shook his head. �Not even then.�

�It was the same for you, wasn�t it?�

�With Kerry?�

�Yes.�

His hand strayed a second time, catching and holding her restless fingers. �I suppose.�

�Did you love her?�

�Did you love him?� he evaded.

�I asked you first.�

Regrets� Jack put his hand back to the wheel and concentrated on navigating around a parked car and through an intersection. An instinctive lie of protection rose unbidden as he accelerated out of the lights and minor traffic of the small town. He forcefully squelched the urge and looked to the side. �I wanted to.�

�Because you thought I had moved on?�

�Yes.�

�I saw her by the elevator after she left your office.�

�Oh?�

�Yes. I was on my way up to see Dad and she was leaving the mountain.� Sam raised a hand, forestalling the obvious. �We didn�t talk.�

Jack smothered a sigh of relief. Their relationship had been a secret. One he kept for reasons he thought Kerry did not comprehend, until she said otherwise in his office. His mind spun back to their earlier conversation. �So you knew when you asked about Kerry after the funeral?�

�I suspected,� she corrected. �But I wasn�t sure until today.� She paused, seeming to consider her next words very carefully. �It wasn�t easy for her.�

Calm, collected, the hint of a smile on her face, the impression had certainly been the opposite. Jack�s brows climbed towards his hairline. �Really?�

�I guess I would have asked but at the time I was�distracted,� Sam answered quietly.

�Understandable.�

The temperature had gradually dropped while they conversed. Shivering slightly, Jack pressed the switch for the window and then turned the heat on low. �Better?�

She shrugged. �I wasn�t cold.�

�Oh.�

Questions nibbled at the edges of the uneasy silence spreading out between them. Teasing and taunting common sense, finally forcing inevitable doubt to the fore. Jack reached for a soda to wash the cotton from his mouth. He had an undeniable and vaguely masochistic urge to know what Sam had told Pete at their breakup. The adolescent notion persisted despite the taint of shame and guilt.

�What happened in your office?�

He jumped at the question. �Crap!�

�Sorry.�

�Why do you want to know that?�

�The same reason you want to know about Pete.�

�Carter��

�Human nature,� Sam explained patiently.

Truth was truth but it occurred that there had already been so much between them. What was one more secret however ill-advised? He clung to denial in the face of voyeurism and wondered if she would see the lie as clearly as he did. �It doesn�t matter.�

�Jack.�

Jack? The name floated up and popped free, cascading flickering sensation over his tense frame. She had crossed the line first and it startled and delighted him in spite of the question. �What?� he murmured cautiously.

�What happened in your office?�

Various phrases tumbled through Jack�s weary brain as he put the soda in the holder on the floor. He decided finally on candor, complete and unabridged. �She broke it off. Told me she had to before she got in too deep.� A faint, ironic smile emerged. �She said she couldn�t �love� with my issues.�

�Love with?�

�Slip of the tongue.�

Sam laughed. �She said you have issues?�

�Yeah.�

�Perceptive.�

�Very.� He watched her out of the corner of his eye, gauging reaction to the most important admission. �You were the biggest issue.�

�She knew.�

Jack nodded. It was a statement not a question, which did not surprise him. All the significant women in his life had possessed a warped sense of humor and a sharp wit. How they could be drawn to such a dense, dark personality such as himself never failed to amaze him. �She told me to retire.�

He would not share the pain of confusion or the many levels of loss. He wanted the relationship with Kerry to work. He had been desperate for personal proof that he could and had moved on to a stable existence. The click of the closing door signified failure and left devastation in its wake. He stood alone, overwhelmed and numb until reality gradually seeped into conscious thought.

Sam�s reality.

The realization made Jack wince. For the last eight years they had been a part of one another. Was it possible that he was at least partly responsible for Sam�s failed engagement?

�Are you okay?�

�Huh?�

�She meant a lot to you.�

�Yeah,� he acknowledged before venturing. �Earlier you said you wanted something normal, a relationship where you weren�t expected to be perfect.�

Sam leaned against the window and nodded fractionally.

Jack swallowed unease and briefly met her eyes. �You were talking about me, weren�t you?�

�Yes.�

Don�t hold back, just tell me how you really feel. He repressed a sardonic laugh. Has it always been this way? An unconscious demand by me to be perfect?

Stupid question.

�I never intended��

�I know that and it�s not all your fault,� Sam assured. �I wouldn�t have made it half this far if I hadn�t been driven. Perfectionism is a trait I come by honestly.�

�Obviously.�

She chuckled. �Yeah.�

�Pete,� he frowned at the name. �It was just a different kind of perfect, wasn�t it?�

�He wanted someone to stay home and have babies. Tend the house and feed the dog.� She laughed louder this time. �I can�t even cook except for a souffl� that somehow comes out�perfect�every time.�

�No mean feat,� he quipped.

�I suppose.�

�Sam.� He waited for the gasp and was mildly surprised that the name elicited no reaction. �He didn�t care about your dreams. That much was obvious even to me.�

�You�ve spent all of a half an hour with Pete.�

�Call it instinct.�

�Wish I had some.�

The comment disturbed him. �You do.�

�Really?� Sam shook her head and looked away. �Feels like I�ve been walking in a fog for years now.�

Jack sighed. He was not well-suited to the task of reassurance. Tangible enemies were easy to confront. Emotions required subtlety and balance; qualities that hid in the recesses of a brain gone soft and tired with age and sorrow. In truth, he had been as slow to act as she. Lying in wait for something to push them over the edge, neither of them willing or able to take the first step for fear of what lay beyond.

�I expected him to be angry,� she whispered tightly. The milky green of the dashboard lights picked up the glint of a single tear. The droplet slid over the rise of her cheek and fell into the darkness. Sam wiped it away. �He was just hurt.�

And you expect me to say what exactly? Jack bit his lip and looked out the window, giving them both a chance to regroup. Knowing did not bring the anticipated satisfaction but instead a twisted sort of empathy. He felt cold and shaken by her ghosts.

�He knew for a long time,� she added.

�Just like Kerry.�

�Yeah.�

The sadness and futility were familiar. Jack studied the road as his mind wandered the paths of memory. He had seen this vulnerable side of her before, touched fear and tasted the salt of regret. In a heartbeat, he was propelled five years into the past.

Dr. Samantha Carter. The woman Sam could so easily have been. There had not been time to know her beyond the barest facts. Were her parents alive or dead? Had Jacob Carter skipped his appointment and picked up Sam�s mother? Did he die in Service or at the hands of Apophis� Jaffa? Did the vagaries of alternate reality lead to the same eventual demise from cancer? How had Dr. Carter�s history affected her choice to forgo the military and excel in the civilian world?

These questions would never have answers but there was one facet of her life that was inescapable�General Jack O�Neill.

His alter-ego knew Sam as a woman first and foremost. Her mind, heart and body were his to possess and he loved her passionately.

�My Jack had the same face, same hands.�

Fresh jealousy flared cold and bright. Jack ground his teeth. That General O�Neill died in service but not before telling Dr. Carter in a myriad of ways how important she was. The regret lay in silence, the propagator of unnecessary pain.

Jack slowed down and pulled into the gravel drive of a closed gas station. He drove to the back of the lot and parked the truck facing out towards the road. He could feel her pain and his rising and mingling in a variegated wave of ashes. The sensation threatened to overwhelm and only action would suffice. He turned in the seat and pushed the divider up and out of the way. �Sam?�

�No�it�s�no��

He took her hand and reached to cup one pale cheek. Please, don�t make me ask�

�I can�t�I don�t want to do this��

He caressed the tender flesh. Her lips twitched and her brow furrowed as she drew a shaky breath. Jack brushed her mouth with the ball of his thumb. He stroked back the fine hair above her ear and held her hand tightly. Urging and pleading against the last barrier even as she stared back with glassy, unfocused eyes.

A single word as faint and filigreed as morning dew slipped from her mouth. �Why?�

It�s necessary, because nothing in this universe is more important right now�because I love you. The answer would take a lifetime and Jack refused to wait another moment. He leaned in and pressed a tentative kiss on the trembling lips.

Cool fingers stroked his jaw and down over the nape of his neck. Hovering, teasing the tender flesh with silken beats. She drew a shaky breath and urged him closer. The pressure of her hand and the yield of pliant flesh combined to position him more firmly over her mouth. The soft lips parted and her tongue parried his. Gliding over teeth and gum as she first gently and then more insistently explored.

Jack shifted closer, enjoying her ministrations and the resultant tingles spreading through his body. The kiss deepened. Her tongue flickered up and over his, plumbing the hollows of cheek and palate. Long, languid strokes stirred his groin and heated his flesh. Jack fought burgeoning ardor with patience. Force of will was the only thing standing in the way of a heated tryst worthy of any teenage visitation. This was not the place to consummate four years of desire. Their lovemaking would be an experience to savor, a passion to be nurtured not wasted. This kiss was temptation and promise. The first tangible admission that something more than stilted words and sly glances lay in store.

Regretfully, he pulled back and smiled at the breathy sigh that fanned his cheeks. �Well?�

Sam�s hand slid down to his chest and she twisted around until her head rested against his right shoulder. Her palm pressed against his heart and she held still for a long moment. �You�re incorrigible, you know that?�

�Completely,� he whispered. �I did warn you.�

�And Jack O�Neill always keeps his word?�

Always� He bent and kissed her hair. �Always.�

Sam guided his free hand up to cup her cheek. Holding it in place, she turned and kissed the palm and the inside of the wrist, smiling as a tremor passed between them. �The answer is yes.�

Shades of crimson and amber seeped between the blinds and fell across the rough-hewn floor. Jack slitted his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, watching dusk slowly recede from the blush of dawn.

The mattress dipped as Sam moved in her sleep. His focus shifted to the side. Sunlight bronzed her cheek and dusted her lashes. She grimaced and rolled away from the intruding beams, pressing her buttocks and back against his side.

Jack smiled lazily as his skin tingled in response. He turned and propped his head against his hand, spooning her and shivering, despite the slats of warmth falling across his bare back.

God you are beautiful.

His mouth moved in silent affirmation of the unbidden thought. He leaned forward and kissed the curve of her shoulder.

Sam wriggled deeper beneath the covers. Her breathing hitched slightly before settling back into a deep rhythm. Jack�s smiled broadened. Oh, is that how we want to play� He rested his free hand just above her waist and stroked a lingering caress over her hip and upper thigh.

She sighed and rolled onto her back.

Jack�s hand shifted, drawing up her leg and skirting the hollow of soft, moist curls. He paused on the flat plain of her abdomen and drew lazy circles with his index finger. Lightly teasing muscle and flesh until both tensed and she drew a stuttering breath.

Still not enough? Oh we have a cure for that Doctor� He slipped down beneath the covers and covered her right nipple with his mouth, suckling and nudging the soft tip until it shrank and hardened.

Sam gasped and a hand drifted up to knead his scalp and tug playfully at the short strands of silver hair. �You are evil,� she growled.

�You have no idea.�

In fact she did and it pleased him in ways he had forgotten were even possible. They had woken up this way for the past six days. Exhaustion of the best kind being the only reason that the first morning was any different than the rest.

Making love to Sam had been sensual, sweet succor for a lifetime of sorrows and bad choices. Sex for the sake of it was never an option, despite the loneliness and distress of the past four years. Kerry Johnson had been the first since the drunken, albeit heated, tryst with Laira. Five years of self imposed celibacy for the sake of honor. Waiting, fueled by the fervent desire for a future that until recently had been more about simplistic fantasies than reality. He knew with certainty now that Ms. Johnson�s presence in his life was an act of desperation, not an actual fulfillment of desire. It was a moniker she had not earned or deserved. She was young, vibrant, and beautiful and she cared. Jack could not ask for more and yet his heart and hers demanded it. What did not exist could never be promised or delivered.

Sam was different, as he had always known she would be. There were no words to describe their first encounter, no way to explain without sounding ridiculously melodramatic even to himself. Jack chose not to analyze the experience but to accept it as pure and fulfilling. If Sam had awoken the next day and asked to leave, he would have let her go. Grateful for the experience, regretful but ultimately understanding of the choice she made.

She chose to stay.

�I am evil,� he murmured against her warm skin. �Is this a problem?�

Sam trembled as he sucked hard on her nipple. She cradled his head and craned her neck to graze a kiss across the top of his ear. Jack shifted closer and her lips dropped to nip the stiff, curved lobe. �Not at all,� she breathed.

�Good.� Jack trailed kisses up into the hollow of her throat. He licked the tender skin and nibbled playfully along the edge of her jaw.

Sam bucked and rose up, catching him off balance. Jack fell back against the mattress and stared up into blue eyes gone wide and mischievous. She smirked and covered his gaping mouth with a deep, probing kiss. �Two can play,� she chided huskily when they were forced to pull apart.

�Uh huh.� He reached for her, cupping jaw and soft blond hair as they came together for a second, powerful embrace. Flesh met flesh and a fiery ache shuddered through his body. Jack gasped, taken aback by the now familiar effect. He closed his eyes and drank in their mingled scents. Her tongue darted over his lips and teeth; parrying and thrusting against his as she moved to straddle his body.

God�

Surrender�immediate and complete. Jack�s hands fell to her hips. He lifted and guided her as she slowly settled over his erection. Electric warmth exploded across the tip of his throbbing penis. Sam sat back, driving him deeper. He flinched and gasped raggedly as the tip dragged over the exquisite sharpness of her pubic bone.

Sam�s eyes wandered across his chest and shoulders. Visually caressing as her fingers tangled with his and then moved to massage the muscles in his upper arms. She looked up and caught his fevered stare. Beneath a flicker of hesitation there was reassurance in the dewy gaze. She blushed and he hid a smile, amazed by the shy almost timid expression.

I am not alone� It was a revelation of spirit that was new and intricate. He sensed the crossing of a threshold. Their intimate play over the last week had sparked and flared with an aura of restraint. Close, so close, to finally falling over the edge. He stroked her high, firm breasts, cupping the fullness before dragging light fingers down over her ribs. The skin shivered and puckered beneath his touch. Sam traced her index finger around the curve of his mouth and gently inserted it. Jack nibbled and soothed the tip with languid swirls of his tongue. He smiled and caught her eye. �Evil?�

�Very,� she agreed softly.

Jack pulled her down and arched to capture her mouth. He probed gently but insistently, reveling in the taste and texture. This part of her was genuine. Inhibitions fell slowly down upon the umber floor to lie in tattered veils. Here lay fear and the first tentative overtures of love. He kissed her deeper, harder, praying it was adequate welcome for such a precious gift.

Do you hear? Do you see? Do you understand what I cannot express?

His mouth softened and moved up the rise of her cheek, finding salted tears. He swept the fine hair back from her temples and up over her ears. Not daring to look into the wide, blue eyes. It was enough to feel acquiescence. In the end she was surrendering to herself and not to him. He had not earned the right of witness nor would he reach for it.

�Jack?�

The name and her tone were remarkably clear and firm. He licked his lips, shallow breath catching in his throat, �What?�

Sam eased over onto her side, leaving one leg slung over his. Her face pinched into a pensive frown and his ardor faded abruptly into an anxious chill.

�What�s the matter?� he prompted.

She trailed restless fingers through his chest hair, clearly at a loss. �I don�t know�� The hand flattened over his heart. �Where do we go from here?�

Jack rolled onto his side and leaned closer, intending reassurance. She would not relent, drawing back and eyeing him dolefully when he tried to kiss her cheek. �I�m serious.�

�I know that,� he retorted with a touch of petulance. I�m not that dense�well all appearance to the contrary� He swallowed frustration. Making love to her was serious in the strictest sense of the word. There was more however. The giving of herself could not come without a cost to both of them.

Just five more minutes though�Jack squashed the banal thought and lay back on the bed.

�Where do we go from here?�

The question had crossed his mind multiple times since their arrival in Minnesota. He knew she would be the first to ask and he saw no point in hastening the inevitable. The cabin was a haven from the persistent actualities of the Air Force and the SGC. False retreat, but retreat nevertheless. Jack could pretend with the best of them and he had subconsciously refused to let Sam consider any other version of reality. Unfortunately, the time for delusions had come to an end

Daniel and Teal�c were due to arrive sometime after 1400.

He would have happily settled for a few more hours behind the curtain. Days, weeks given the option. Sam�s practical nature would not allow it apparently. Jack groaned beneath his breath and lurched to a sitting position. She had been close and he heard personal regret in the breathy sigh that fanned his back. Knowing that the feelings were shared diminished their intensity but did not banish them completely.

I, we, need more time.

Jack scrubbed both hands through his coarse, silver hair and stared at the floor. �I don�t know.�

Sam sat up and threw the blanket over their legs. She leaned her cheek against his shoulder and rested one hand lightly on his forearm. �I�m not used to this� To being out of control.�

It was no small admission. Jack covered her hand with his. He squeezed the soft, pliant fingers and searched for an adequate reply. Dismayed and disheartened when he came up empty. This is who I am, Sam. Can you understand?

She smiled against his warm skin. �You aren�t either.�

�No,� he admitted quietly. Aside from the daily traumas disgorged by the Stargate, life of late had become about pursuit. Not just of Samantha Carter but of an existence not contingent on drama. Jack was exhausted by the chase and hungered for simplicity. �Maybe this isn�t something we can plan.�

�I�m not sure I know how to live in the moment,� Sam mumbled ruefully.

Jack slid an arm around her shoulders and nuzzled her hair, inhaling the sharp scent of vanilla and earth. �I think you manage just fine.�

Sam relaxed into the embrace and turned enough to share a quick kiss. �I�m linear, logical, I like to think things through,� she said. �You know that.�

�I do.�

�So?�

Jack sighed and shifted until they were face to face. �Life is about living Sam. It�s about taking a chance.�

�I thought I was doing that.�

�When?�

She blinked rapidly and he knew even before the words broke free. �With Pete.�

Ghosts would always exist no matter the outcome of their relationship. It was inevitable and aggravating. Jack closed his eyes, giving in briefly to frustration. Can I honestly claim it was any different with Kerry? The answer was a resounding negative and color rose in his cheeks at even the consideration of denial. �I understand.�

�I thought so.�

He resisted the urge to comment on the note of smugness. Sam was entitled as much as he, more so if she sensed the depths of his discomfort. So much still lay between and before them if only� �It�s called spontaneity,� he explained. �Not everything is about following the rules.�

She flinched inexplicably at the word rules and Jack tensed. What did I say?

�You used to be quite a maverick, didn�t you?�

�Used to,� he repeated with forced levity. �I still am!�

�To some extent.�

�What?�

The hint of a smile curved her lips. �Don�t get mad.�

�I�m not mad.�

Sam rolled her eyes.

�Okay, maybe a little,� Jack granted with a pale smile. He reached out and brushed the hair from her eyes, relieved when she did not pull away. �That�s what Jacob said to you just before he died. He told you not to let rules stand in your way.�

She nodded and exhaled a shaky breath. �He knew.�

Jack dropped his hand and sought hers beneath the blanket. He fondled the flexing fingers and caressed the damp flesh of her palm. The drive from Colorado Springs to upper Minnesota had been fraught with words and feelings. He had never talked so much or so intimately, not even to Sara when it was good. This beautiful, intelligent woman could draw the deepest and darkest of his fractured memories. He refused to discuss some of what she proposed but there was no denying her effect. It continued throughout the preceding week. Time spent with one another doing the most mundane of tasks and finding joy in them. Hiking, fishing, making love when the mood was right: perhaps most importantly he now realized, talking. Conversation was healthy and necessary. The demons of their pasts withered in the light of day and the affection of shared understanding. He wished in this moment for that pulsing warmth to loosen his tongue and sharpen his wits. Only the barest stumble eased past his dry lips. �Take a chance, Sam.�

�And what if I fall?� she countered.

�Then I�ll catch you.� It sounded inane and he waited for the spurt of laughter.

None came.

Sam brushed a hand across her damp lashes and met his earnest gaze. �It�s not your job to save me.�

�No, it�s yours. I have enough to look after.� He grinned wryly and tapped his temple. �A lot of rocks rolling around this old attic.�

�So, that�s it?�

Jack sobered. He leaned forward and planted a firm kiss on her slightly parted lips. �What else is there?�

�I don�t know.�

�Neither do I,� he answered as he sat back. �Let�s see where it leads us.�

�Do you need anything?� Sam called from the porch.

�Just you.�

She laughed softly and he heard the backdoor close. Sneakered feet padded across the short, verdant grass and thudded hollowly on the deck. In a moment she slipped between the deck chairs and sat beside him with a soft grunt. �You know this isn�t the first time I�ve been fishing.�

Jack cocked an eyebrow and cast his line out into the water. The hook landed with a soft plop and the bobber winked wetly in the dappled sunlight. �Oh?�

�I used to tag along with Mark and his friends.�

�Pesky little sister?� he teased.

Sam snorted. �Hardly.� She grinned. �I always caught more than they did.�

Jack reeled in the line and cast a second time. �Well that�s hardly the point is it?�

�What do you mean?�

�Carter, the whole point of fishing is not to catch fish. It�s a way to relax, get in touch with your environment.�

�That�s very metaphysical of you.�

Oh, for God sakes� Jack leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. �Must be the company I�m keeping,� he whispered.

Sam�s mouth twitched and she turned enough to kiss him back. �Good influence.�

Jack did not reply. He leaned back in the chair and watched her cast once, twice, three times. His eyes followed the graceful movements of her arm and hands before rising to the soft blush on her rounded cheek. A part of him still floated in the ether of disbelief in spite of the reality of her presence. He sheltered that innocuous piece of his soul in full knowledge that the world was still moving forward. Moments like rain splattered the ground and trailed muzzy patterns over wood and glass. Recollections and desires alike were never the same as at their inception, sometimes better and sometimes infinitely worse. He would hold the memory of her at this moment. Reach for it as comfort and assurance when things would inevitably darken. This was the beginning of a journey that would wind and plunge, straighten and rise, to a destination neither could see but both desired. That much he could be sure of.

�This is great,� Sam murmured as his line slowly snaked its way across the pond.

�I told you.�

�I can�t believe we didn�t do it years ago.�

Jack looked into the wide, blue eyes and smiled softly. �Yes, well, let�s not dwell.�

*The*End*