Monday Monday, just turns out that way
Every other day of the week is fine
But when every Monday comes
You'll find me crying, all of the time
Monday morning, couldn't garentee
That Monday evening, you would still be here with me...
-Mamas and the Papas
I was driving along one night, down a long, dark, featureless road that I didn't think would ever end. Well it didn't, not before I met Him, anyway. The tall blond hitchhiker. He was the man of my dreams and when I saw him stick his thumb out, I had no choice but to stop.
The tall blond got into my car and asked, "Where are you heading?"
"I don't know" I said," just off this long, dark road."
"Me too."
So we drove.
As we went along, I was listening to the radio, some "post modern" station I think, and after a while he asked, "Do you always listen to this kind of music?"
"No" I replied.
No response.
Finally, he asked, "Do you mind if I change the station?"
I told him I didn't mind, so he changed it to a country music station. After a moment or two, I had to ask, "Do you always listen to this kind of music?"
"Yes", he replied.
"Oh, that's to bad."
"Why?"
"Because" I replied," I really hate country music."
At my response he screamed like a child having a temper tantrum, "AAAAAAAHHHHGGGGG!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked in alarm.
"I can't believe you don't like country music. No, you like this head banging music that you can't even understand what they're saying!"
Then I calmly said, "I'm sorry, but I don't like hearing about how Alabama got lucky in the back seat of some car with the farmers daughter."
Still in hysterics he said, "Stop the car!" So I stopped and after he got out of the car, I drove on.
I changed the radio station.
-RT
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Men and Fish
One day, my neighbor called me up to ask if I could help him with cleaning his fish tank. Being an environment conscience person, I said sure. I figured that this may be a good way to get to know the people living around me as well as making a fish or two happy.
Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the tidiest person in the world, but the minute I walked into this man's apartment I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
When I walked in, the first thing to hit my senses was the smell, making my eyes water and sending my gag relexes into hysterics. It was as though he had brought a dead animal into his place and slung it all around making sure to get the aroma in every nook and cranny. Just the underlying scent of old beer and moldy buffalo wings would have sent any mere mortal running, but I, being the supreme goddess that I am, held my head high and walked right in. I really don't think he even noticed how I carefully left my lunch behind his couch.
Once my eyes clear and I became acustomed to the smell, (isn't it amazing what we can get "used" to) I got a good look at the place. I quickly realized that he would never find my slightly digested lunch, or his couch for that matter, if it even was his couch. I don't really care to speculate on what he used to make those unusual markings on the walls either. I had one goal and one goal only at that point- find the fish tank, clean it (if luck was with us), and get the hell out!
We worked our way past clothing and fast-food covered obstacles ( I had to wonder if the EPA had ever made a visit to this residence, I'm quite sure they would find it very interesting to know that there were illegal experiments growing from the back of this gentleman's television set) to the "den", where the fish tank was located. When I stepped into the room, I knew right away that this was to be no job for the faint at heart. The den was much like the rest of the apartment, the only obvious difference was the addition of verious types of paper littering every flat surface available.
My keen eye spotted the tank sitting between what appeared to be two bookcases and I carefully made my way over to it. I peered through the murk and green slime that covered the glass inside and out. Something in the depths moved, startling me, there actually was something living in there! Whether it was a fish or not remained to be seen.
What happened next was a bazar chain of events that, in my case, could be deemed somewhat fortuanute.
My neighbor came over to stand beside me, giving some brief excuse why he hadn't been able to clean the tank in "a while". As he was explaining, he reached up to knock some papers off the top of the fishtank to give us access. At that moment, his foot slipped on the papers already on the floor and he started back peddling, arms flapping through the air but finding nothing that would help him regain balance. He did manage to grab hold of an old pizza box however, this followed him to the floor where he landed with a thump! The box covering his face. As I stood there watching in disbelief, a lit candle that had been sitting nearby tobbled over and rolled up next to the box, causing it to burst into flames. He must have been knocked unconscience when he fell, because he wasn't moving, even as his face was burning. My fascination turned to alarm and my practicle side took over, water was what I needed and water was what I meant to have. I pushed the fishtank onto my neighbor. The water immediatly doused the flames but the glass shattered when it hit his chest sending it's sharp shards everywhere. I was sure that this was the end of my neighbor, but after doing a quick survey of the scene, I saw that he had meraculasly not been cut! I leaned back and took a deep breath of relief and that was where I made my mistake. As soon as I breathed in all the pollutants in the air, I passed out cold.
I don't remember what happened next, all I remember was waking up next to my neighbor there on the cold, wet floor. He had not moved at all. I got to my feet, pulled what was left of the box off his face and to my surprize, his face was blue! Although I had checked for glass and I knew the water was no danger, I had negleted to notice the long slimmy strands of fake seaweed that had wrapped themselves around the man's neck!
He was dead.
Oops.
I carefully made my way out of the apartment and within a few short hours, I carefully made my way out of the state. Never to return.
-RT
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A Man and his Toys
Here is a story about a man's ability to beat a machine. A machine in which man himself designed and built, but now holds the desire to conquer.
This man has a problem and in order to solve this problem he must defeat the machine. Before he begins, he must first look deep within himself, estamate his ability and summon all his strength and courage. Only then can he make the ultimate decision as to whether he really wants to know the answers to all of his most secret questions. Once the decision is made, it is time for him to take on the machine.
First, he must prepare to meet the machine on it's own ground. He unlocks the door that contains his destiny with shaky hands. Then, in one fluid motion he throws back the door and exposes it, sitting alone in the darkness with it's control panels glowing red like the eyes of a demon from the pits of hell.
The man stumbles back in fright, then giggles at his nervousness. His laughter is short lived however, for he fears that the machine might sense his hesitation and mistake it for terror, giving the machine an early edge. So he takes a deep breath and switches on the light.
As he steps into the room, he pauses, is it just his imagination, or has his pulse just increased dramatically?
"Oh no", he thinks, "I have to keep control, it's to late to back down now", but just the presence of the thing now sitting before him is enough to sends shivers up his spine. The way the metal and chrome and plastic mold together. The way the controls come to life in a series of beeps and flashing lights, giving him the feeling that it has a nearly human soul. He knows however, that it has no soul. No, that would make it much too easy to defeat, and this machine was not built to be defeated. It's only purpose is to wipe out the human race, but the man can not let this happen, fore he is the one who created this monstosity. He must master it at all cost.
He walks silently up to it, almost as if in a dream, and sets the controls very carefully. Then he begins his mission.
He moves into it gradually, careful not to over exert himself for fear that he will tire out to early in the game. As he continues, slowly building his speed, man and machine begin to meld together. With every muscle contraction, every drop of sweat that seeps from his pores, he becomes one step closer to realizing his dream and having all his questions answered to his satisfaction.
As he nears the end of his quest, he suddenly realizes that his body and mind are starting to give way. Just the thought of losing to this machine after coming so far sends a fresh surge of adrinaline through his veins and he is able to carry on for a short time. However, it is not enough, so he works harder and faster only to find that his body is no longer responding to the commands he is sending it. He is gripped with the fear that he may not be able to complete his task, but just as he is about to surrender, he hears the bell.
A million thoughts go through his head in an instant. Has he actually done it? Could it really be? Yes? Yes! He has Won! He is without a doubt, king and master of his world!
Slowly he relaxes, then slumps against the machine which he has finally conquered, fore he no longer has any fear of it. Yes, after years of training, years of dieting, man has undeniably defeated...
The Stairmaster from Hell.
His world will never again be the same.
-RT
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You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue
- agree with him.
-Edgar Watson Howe
Men and Cooking
One dark and dreary evening, there came a knock at my door. Although I usually don't answer it, I opened the door. There on my doorstep, stood a tall blond hair man. The man of my dreams. He introduced himself as my new next door neighbor, then asked if he could borrow a cup of sugar for some cookies he was baking. I said, "sure" and invited him in. However, when I went to the cubbard, there was no sugar! I looked all around the kitchen and finally found some in the fridge (I don't know how it got there). I gave him the cup of sugar, he thanked me then went away.
An hour later, there came a knock at my door. Although I didn't want to answer it, I opened the door. Once again, there stood the tall blond hair man, this time he had a plate of cookies in his hand. He asked me if I had any coffee, I said that I did and asked him if he would like to have some with me. He agreed, then asked if I would like to have some of his fresh baked cookies. I said yes and invited him in.
I put a pot of coffee on and told him to have a seat at the table, which he did. We talked for a bit while the coffee was brewing, he seemed like a very nice gentleman. When the coffee was done, I poured us both a mug then sat down to relax and enjoy his company as well as his cookies. He thanked me for the coffee and offered me a cookie, I took it and thanked him. It was a peanut butter cookie, one of my favorites. I dipped it in my coffee and all of a sudden he screamed like a madman, "AHHHHHGGGG!!!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked.
He said he that couldn't believe I had ruined his freshly baked cookie by dipping it in coffee! I apoligized, then went on to explain that I only enjoyed coffee dipped cookies. He screamed something about how perfect his cookies were and how hard they were to make and a bunch of other stuff that I just couldn't understand. Then he snatched up the rest of his cookies and stomped out the door. I never saw the tall blond haired man again, I think he may have moved out the next day.
Some people are so touchy.
One dark and dreary night, there came a knock at my door. Although I didn't want to answer it, I opened the door. There on my doorstep stood a tall dark haired man. The man of my dreams.
I closed the door.
-RT
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The "Real Man" Test
To get an idea of a "real man" as defined by a woman, I've put together this little test. If you're curious as to how your mate see's you, answer the following questions, then see how you rate.
1. Your girlfriend ask you to go see the newest show at the music
theatre with her, you:
A. Flatly refuse to be seen at the theatre stating that musicals are
for whimps.
B. Agree to go, but only after you've negotiated a Britney Spears
concert for later in the month.
C. Jump for joy and agree whole heartedly because you love a
good musical.
2. If your girlfriends car breaks down and you have no idea why,
you:
A. Tear the car apart yourself searching for the problem.
B. Tear the car apart and never find the problem, then take it to
the mechanic to fix.
C. Yell at the mechanic you took the car to as he searches for the
problem.
3. You take your girlfriend go to your favorite pub, the first place
you head after walking in the door is:
A. To the bar for a beer.
B. To the mic for karaoke
C. To the men's room to check your look.
4. You and your girlfriend are going to her mother's house for
dinner and along the way you get lost, you:
A. Refuse to ask for directions stating that you Know it's right
around the corner.
B. Stop and ask for a map, but don't admit to being lost.
C. Slobber all over the gas staion attendant claiming that you're
lost and can't find your future mother-in-laws house.
5. Your girlfriend asks you to meet her at her mothers house and
along the way you get lost, when you finally get there you:
A: Deny that your late, she should be glad you even came.
B. Apologize for being late, stating that you had a flat tire.
C. Giggle with embarassment and admit that you were lost.
6. When you invite your girlfreind over, do you:
A. Ask her to clean your apartment while she's there.
B. Finish cleaning your apartment seconds before she knocks on
the door.
C. Not worried, because your apartment is always meraculously
clean.
7. After you've finished with the toilet seat, you:
A. Are a "Real Man", you don't Have a toilet seat.
B. Leave the seat up.
C. Leave the seat down.
8. You accidently flatuate in a public area with your girlfriend on
your arm, you:
A. Laugh hartily and brag about what a "good one" that was.
B. Apologize and say nothing more about it.
C. You tell passerbyes that it was her!
9. You're at the club with your girlfriend and she asks you to dance
with her, you:
A. Refuse, stating that "Real Men" don't dance.
B. Take her by the hand to the dance floor on the next slow song.
C. Take her by the hand to the dance floor on the next Village
People song.
10. Your girlfriend asks you to go to the mall with her, you:
A. Go, but never leave the Sears Hardware department.
B. Hand her your credit card and apoligize for having to "work
late".
C. Agree, then drag her around the mall while you try on every
outfit you can find.
RESULTS
-RT
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CONTENTS
All stories and poems are the
Copyright property of Brainiax.
