I'm just going to start with what I remember from last week (which should be a decent amount, now that I limit myself to just 2 drinks at any sitting. Isn't alchoholism a bitch?) and I'm going to break it down by character. Fine by you?
SETH: Mine and everyone's favorite character. So he may want to lose the big V and get down with Anna-biotic? Sounds good to me. With "The OC's" flagrant showing of female body parts, I'm sure this future sex scene will be hot. But let's talk about the now, shall we? Last week Seth began to worry that Chino might not rely on him for emotional support (just for food, shelter, clothing....and petty cash to blow on that booze-whore Marissa) so he attempts to book some "alone time" with the pussy-whipped Ryan. And we all thought Ryan liked cock--who knew? What's on the agenda for this discussion? How to tell Summer that Seth is dating Anna. Good Lord, I hope he can make it through the day with these heavy issues weighing on his mind. There is a classic scene with Seth, Ryan, Marissa, and Oliver the Twisted (more on him later) hanging out. Seth refers to something as being "redonkulous." Is this a sly attempt to get "recockulous" past the censors? I think yes. Eventually, Seth, Anna, and Summer arrive at the much over-rated Rooney concert. Who else thinks that Rooney's booking agent and manager had to suck major dick in order to get this band placed so prominently in the show? Just a note to the producers of "The OC": need I remind you that having bands play concerts at clubs that no high school kid could ever get in to is so season 7 of B.H.90210. Do we want to go down that road? I think not. Anyway, it comes out about Seth & Anna dating, to which Summer responds, "So?" Exactly. But we get a sense that Summer will soon let loose with a torrent of hang up calls to Seth and nasty emails to Anna. Quite Sinister.
CHINO: What can be written about this young fellow? He's whipped over the stunningly bland Marissa and that's about it. Seriously, I'm about done with this character. Is it too early for someone to write him off the show? And what happened to the cool crab shack job? He's now content to mooch off every Cohen in the house, except for the annoying sister character, who has nothing to offer except her tits. Which leads me to...
The Annoying Sister with Tits: She has to remain nameless due to the fact that everytime she's on the screen, my eyes glaze over and I try to think of something else. You thought they couldn't create a more annoying character than what Marissa's ex-boyfriend has developed into? You thought wrong. This character is the sister of the Cohen Mom; she's some new-age hippie with fake tits and coy references to drug smuggling in Budapest. Yeah. Need a visual example of what she's like? Think of any of the chicks that hang out at Club 330 in downtown Brea on a Friday night. It's tough to take seriously a broad in a tube top, but the annoying sister character is fine with that. You know what? I refuse to discuss this character any longer. From now on she will be refered to only as the Intelligence Void.
Marissa's Ex: What the hell is his name again? Fuck, I don't know. All I can get from him is that he drives a Monster truck and has gotten progressively dorkier as the show goes on. Case in point: when does having a gay dad turn you into a complete fucking moron? Where is GLAAD to protest the "Gay dad = Stupid Asshole" equation? And by the way, who else prefers the original "welcome to the OC, bitch" to this sorry fuck that I now see on my T.V.? Honestly, I can't come up with what this guy did last week--oh, except for play guitar and sing. In fact, there was quite a bit of singing in last weeks episode: Marissa's ex, Summer, Anna, Rooney. This shit has got to stop.
Marissa: Like Chino, there's not much to say. I think she changed her lip gloss or something. I really don't know because I tend to begin planning my outfit for the next day when Marissa's on. She's about as interesting as Jello, and Jello hasn't been interesting since the invention of Jello shots (which are cool again-just giving you a free hip-tip!) So maybe Marissa will be cool, like Jello, when I'm watching reruns of this show at 50. Until then, she sucks the life force out of me.
