One day a young girl with long golden hair named Goldilocks was skipping through the woods when she came across a small cottage. She approached it, and through the window saw three bears, a mother, father, and baby, putting porridge on the table, ready to eat. It was too hot for them, however, so they decided to go for a walk until it had cooled down. Goldilocks was very hungry, and as she saw they had left, she decided she would go in and steal some. She smashed the window and climbed through, then sat down and began eating. But the first one was too hot for her. So she tried the next. It was too cold, so she tried the third one, the baby's porridge. It was just right, so she ate the lot. Now she was tired, and although the bears were coming back, she was tired and stupid, so she went upstairs to sleep. She tried the father bears bed, but it was too hard. Next, the mothers, but it was too soft. Finally, she tried the baby bears bed, which was just right, and she fell asleep straight away.
A short time later, the bears returned, and found their window smashed, and porridge eaten. So they stormed upstairs, where they found Goldilocks, fast asleep and drooling all over the pillow. The mother and father grabbed her and held her down, whilst baby bear started gnawing at her legs. They were too tough, so he started chewing on her arms. These were too fatty and flabby, so he ripped open her stomach and began munching on her intestines. They were just right.....
Once upon a time there was a poor boy called Jack who lived with his poor alcoholic mother in an asbestos ridden house. They lived off the mother's senior pension, single parent allowance, a war pension, Jack's disability pension, and student allowance, as well as alimony from several ex fathers of Jack. Then one day social security discovered what Jack and his mother were doing, and ceased payment, and all the ex fathers discovered that they were also being ripped off and had their payment terminated. So Jack and his mother were left with nothing but their house and a cow. They needed money deperately, so Jack was sent to market to try and sell the cow, to get money for rent and food. On the way to market, however, Jack was accosted by a strange little man who offered him a bean he claimed to have magical powers, that would solve all his problems, in exchange for the cow. Jack, being the gullible idiot he was, accepted this offer.
He returned home with the bean, which he presented to his mother. She became enraged, and stabbed Jack to death. She buried his corpse in the back garden, throwing the bean on top. A little while later, with the help of Jack's rotting body to fertilise it, a plant grew. A strange plant with leaves that Jack's mother discovered she could sell to people for lots of money. She grew to be incredibly rich, and cultivated many more of these strange plants, that everyone agreed had magical powers when used correctly. Then the police raided her property, siezed the drugs, and charged her with Jack's murder. She hung herself in gaol before she could face the charges, and no mention of a beanstalk leading to a castle in the sky, inhabited by a giant, was ever heard except in her drug induced hallucinations.
Once upon a time there was a horrid queen who lived in a castle. In the castle there was a beautiful young maid, who did all the cleaning and cooking, named Snow White. The horrid queen had a magical mirror, to which every day she would ask who was the most beautiful woman in the land, and every day the mirror would reply that it was her. Then, one day, a few years on, when Snow White had grown up and become even more beautiful, the mirror informed the queen that she was no longer the most beautiful, but rather Snow White was. The queen was enraged, and paid a huntsman to take her into the woods, on pretence of a berry picking expedition, and kill her.
When the huntsman turned to kill Snow White, however, she turned and pleaded with him to let her go. He could not bear to kill such a helpless, beautiful young girl, crying before him as she was, but nor could he return to the queen without having done so. So he put his shotgun to his head, and ended his dilemma.
Snow White was quite distraught now, as she wandered through the woods, trying to find some way to escape the horrors behind her. As she was close to exhaustion, she stumbled across a small cottage hidden amongst the trees. A window was open, and she could see no one about, so she climbed in, and went to sleep in one of the 7 beds that were lined up in the bedroom.
The cottage belonged to 7 dwarfs, who worked each day in a isolated coal mine, shunned from the rest of society because of their diminutive stature and strange appearance. They returned home late that night, tired and dirty, to find Snow White sound asleep in their beds. Never before had they seen such beauty, or for that matter, had they ever even really seen a girl so close. Determined to not let this once in a lifetime opportunity pass, they quickly jumped on her and tied her hand and foot, so she could not escape. Then they re located her to the basement, where they kept her as their personal sex slave, eventually killing her and cooking her up for dinner when an exceptionally cold winter made getting out to get supplies difficult.
