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submit your silly media quote. BIOs
1998-2001 Silly 2006 and later
January/February MOTHER JONES magazine: ...UNSAFE AT ANY...KEYSTROKE...Always America's Fault...CIA Can't Stop Terrorism...morbid curiousity keeps bringing New Yorkers to the edge of...intimate surveilance...pill wars...keep supporting autocratic governments in the Middle East...Foul Fish...are suing three multinational firms...salmon farming...has ignored warnings that...a dizzying array of companies...may be useless...civil liberties watchdogs...fear that genetically engineered tobacco will...levitate your posterior...Dogs Against Drugs...Suspect that Junior's hitting the bong in his bedroom...cocaine pick-me-ups...pile human catastrophe upon human catastrophe...the whole of assaulted humanity...sucked up big loads of water and flew up over the towers and put out the fire...I BECAME KIND OF OBSESSED with...a failed intelligence community...a rose-tinted view of the past...3.5 million new secrets in 1999...an End to Sweet Illusions...
February 23 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Sharp U.S. team holds off...'Men named George'...Enron debate headed to...controversy in Salt Lake City...Russian indignation spread all the way to...Mohamed Atta in Spain...a confessed rabble-rouser...lapsed Mormon...Nancy Saxton...putters around town in a Honda fueled by natural gas...orders divorcing pair cuffed...Missionaries sue over...35 priests implicated in abuse...50 children were victims...a force that could swell to 13,000...Sharon's popularity takes nose-dive...hawks and doves attack the prime minister...devoid of new ideas...endless fighting...By early evening the entire area was littered with hair, empty water bottles and cans and rotting food...a ravished tropical paradise...Stop English Ivy from spreading...SADDAM IN A TUTU...THE NEW PENTAGON INFORMATION STRATEGY IS IN EFFECT...The Middle East could become radioactive wasteland...Why not condoms?...Red tape snarls couple...
March NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...Diamonds...Down to a Handful...U-Dig...human suffering...swims--from Russia to Canada...still hobbled by the bombs...five bucks, a shovel and a prayer...shady practices...pumped millions into Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda network...bloodied stones...by the bag...can pull off the miracle...crush the exhausted snake's skull...audible auroras...were driving past the naval cruiser Aurora...correcting Herodotus and Hollywood...a group of Neandertals...from a parallel universe...The more they ate, the pinker they became...leaving only a few pink feathers to remember them by...Catherine the Great...practised human sacrifice...down a muddy lane in Saurimo...a stick-wielding miner...stripped away 60 vertical feet of sand...The ancient idol...prepared an environmental impact statement...
April 25 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...Two Eugene lives entwine with...Salem mayor...tax scandal...inspires a peace garden...Lord Leebrick...doesn't cause AIDS...Condoms and drugs...are deeply implicated in...deadly hatred among those who oppose them...QUANTUM MECHANICS...uses the word "hate" seven times...Some people...try to discredit everything...George W. Bush is descended from...Bev Stein...Art Peck...became a nation...2000 years before the rise of Islam...Arab refugees...founded the city of Jerusalem...The Arabs...are likely to end up in China...Barbara Lee...has done it all...David Kelly...marched with Chastity Bono...a bunch of Neanderthals...paralyzed the Palestinian economy...Bonny Bettman...is native to upland prairie...TSING TSANG...poured through a hole into a receiving, open mouth...Paxton delivers...spooky surf...
May 18 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Spooky series...takes big hit...Oregon...stunned lawmakers...Greek houses...warned that Osama bin Laden's terrorists...including a severed head...contributed to an 8-year-old boy's drowning in Illinois...The Mississippi River...turned its sights on pizza...Los Angeles...had stolen the affections of...President Bush...Republican lawmakers...left millions of people without health care choices...HMO drops...a bunch of niggers back in Birmingham...other Ku Klux Klansmen...were racially integrated...child pornography blames tax laws for...Golden dollars...A tugboat...gets life, faces murder charge...Pennsylvania...was charged in Colorado with kidnapping, unlawful sexual conduct, burglary and robbery...Intense heat across India...calls for changes in U.S. policy...Jimmy Carter...was found hiding inside a ventilator duct in a workshop...
June 24 COMIC NEWS #394: ...Kashmir sweater to keep me warm during nuclear winter...KILLING HER SOFTLY WITH YOUR SONG...PEOPLE HAVE TO HAVE BABIES...FOOT FALLS ASLEEP AND DREAMS...PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS...IT'S ALL VELCRO NOW...inexplicable nudity...broke into a house...Miss Cleo...ruled in April that...local devil worship...is a tribute to Funk...George Clinton...never met an overbearing theme song he didn't like...a real CIA agent...and a snitch with a pornographic nom de plume...have a Watergate Reunion...John Dean...and fanatical right-wing talk shows...stuck a needle in my behind...BUSH AGAIN INSISTED THAT UP IS DOWN...Are there such things as squirrel gangs?...I saw a fuzzy dark gray squirrel with funny ears...
July/Aug MOTHER JONES magazine: Bush's Push to...utopian fantasy...is tainted by a crime for which no apology can atone...Texas-style learning...has been less than Lincolnesque...Bush's failure of leadership...poses a fundamental threat to America's future...Christian missionaries in Islamic countries...haven't finished reading their instruction manual...Barbara Ehrenreich...had planned to end today with...loveable Gene Hackman...George W. Bush...is just...Like a Christo sculpture blowing in the breeze...Public Citizen and the Environmental Defense Fund...pound the ground near Dead Horse Point...Pamila Eaton of the Wilderness Society...could disrupt the migration of pronghorn antelope...Pharmaceutical companies...will expand Liverpool's Heart of Darkness...the largest fleet of slave ships...and...9/11's Toxic Aftermath...
August 15 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...GRAVE STONES...Rafting the clear McKensie...The worst wildfire season in memory...attacked the Pagans...and supported slavery...The marriage of religion and politics produces...potholes in your neighborhood...and...sexually explicit advertisements...Safeway and Wal-Mart...are saying that...Big Fat Juicy...draws on primitive neuro-associations...the SUV bully...stood barefoot on the concrete locker room floor...like anti-vampire garlic...Sally Sheklow...hopped a plane for the United Arab Emirates, where she will...FREE THOSE POOR OPPRESSED WOMEN...WHATEVER IT TAKES! ...
September NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...Meerkats...MAY PROMOTE FEELINGS OF SUPERIORITY...blood sacrifice to the gods...and Christmasberry...mucked things up...Inca Mummies...had a rhino-like body, a beak, and a collared head...Greek statue...made an astonishing discovery...100,000 tiny lenses...made of calcite crystals...Third-grade teacher...can have a prodigious effect on Great Lakes shipping...Tails up and eyes sharp,...my team and I...are expected and beer is a sacred beverage...guzzled from the horn of a mountain goat, men belching on a hilltop, ritual animal sacrifices...a 14-year old Hemsin girl ...becalmed argonauts fighting the heat...gods...forces of nature...have dissolved in the vast sea known as modern life...Green thinking...The U.S. government has withdrawn its support...prenatal yoga classes...make it tough to find enough beetles, grubs and reptiles...they dance all the time...you won't stay young forever...
October 26 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Ducks look...among the dead as dozens of bodies are...loaded into waiting buses and ambulances...limp figures...had been seen digging around sewers and steam pipes...Bush...died in the fiery crash...a shocking echo of the crash that killed...a former CIA counterterrorism official...pet races...pepper the airwaves with...the writings of the Russian director Konstantin Stanislavsky...A Man Called Horse...crashed into Mexico's Pacific coast...Officials said...This is the most exciting thing that's happened...since...Nancy Nathanson...twice abducted the children from...a county sheriff's office...Mannix shows arrogance...in several states...in the medieval rites...in flowing gowns...the official mace...a scarlet sash...the anachronistic ceremony...Police...built to tame wilderness...dazzles as Tigers roar...LIKE SOMEONE WHO TAKES THE LAST COOKIE...YOU FELL INTO A PIT FULL OF ANGRY MONKEES...THEY FIGHT DIRTY...GOING BILLY BLANKS ON YOUR BUTT...
November 17 COMIC NEWS #414 ...Laugh until...you've got 15 minutes to live...Costco...is a member of the Oregon-based Church of Body Modification...spiritual salvation...killed him six days later...she survived...Girly Chew Hassencofft...reptilian George W. Bush...HASN'T EVOLVED ENOUGH TO...cause your sewer to back up...Disney...has renamed the Goby Desert "Donald Duck Desert"...Snow White...goes into a hardware store and defecates in one of their display toilets...never play in a display toilet...Leigh Anne Jasheway...developed an allergic rash and...should be exempted from...a rectal thermometer...but another person's head explodes...a U.S. senator...ended up looking more like an eight-ball...the rest of us...HAVE SNIFFED THE CELESTIAL BOTTOM...DIGGING IN THE HOUSEPLANTS BRINGS BACK...YOUR SENSITIVE BOTTOM...IF GERMANY HAD OIL DURING WORLD WAR II...prominent genitals...hairy legs, horns and beard...Christian artists...mass murder...a long pointed tail...the color of death...Ooh, that's scary...forces of evil are closing in...now it's John Ashcroft's store...ACTING PRE-EMPTIVELY...THE SUPREME COURT SAYS GO AHEAD...
December 14 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...With Law gone, hope of healing...Kissinger...sex abuse scandal...does a handshake with...FBI agents...pond divers are...proliferating...a slur from the Ronald Reagan era...Nancy Pelosi...speaks to...new volunteers...who use...donkey carriages...A 14-year old boy...stiffens as...A high court in Venezuela ordered...sluggish negotiations between...Ari Fleischer...and anti-Chavez groups...Vice President Jose Rangel warned of a plot to assassinate...Standard & Poor's Rating Services...which is rotten with corruption...and who have repeatedly tried to assassinate the president himself...Colin Powell...came away impressed and pledged to do all he could to increase...rebel sabotage...Parliament...authorized...outlawed groups...who mounted a bomb attack against...a military base...The European Union invited 10 new members to...reflect back on all the war and conflict...others are queasy about...a criminal conviction for reading a poem...ambulances rushed people to a hospital...she smiled weakly as...Finnish...pull the plug on porn...
January/February AARP Modern Maturity magazine: ...WINE SNOB...tore them apart...grandpa daddy...announces he's gay...A soldier...now goes to 450,000 members...The first thing she did with Segunda was...a married Catholic priest...Rudd says he left...the horrible situation with pedophile priests...Canadian pharmacies will...sit beside him at the kitchen table while he broke up bricks...Father lies buried on...HUG ADDICTS...Frequent sex floods your sexual machinery with...Hotel Hooey...What women want: ...1.69 billion adult diapers...Kofi Annan...is even more important now that more Americans are...more interested in his love life than in his work...Our religion teaches...CHICKEN CINELLI...and...Wine and Noses...My old mum...morphed into an ebullient, earthy spirit with a thick shock of white hair...Kirk seems more like a...bad office party that lasts a whole week...Behind James Duke's house in Fulton, Maryland lies...recipients of organ transplants...I never dreamed that at 55 I'd become a parent to...Rosa Parks...
February 24 COMIC NEWS #427: ...Spread out and don't ask questions...I sealed him in polyurethane...THE DAILY PLANET...acquitted a 22-year old...after having his head nearly severed from his body...pilgrams are...known for curing acne...holy cow dung...reported that...several beds and television sets...promote harmony and...General Bush...Protesting Against...metaphorical wars against drugs...warms their souls...Quizno's subs...dress as dancing psilobin mushrooms...that launched Judy's career...I sprinted out of the theater...every seven days, that's the life! ...What good is robbing your stockholders blind and screwing your employees out of their pensions funds if...The National Enquirer makes an excellent birth control method...Martha Stewart...really bothers me...even though it got me all hot, and confused us both...fruit leather...GONE TO A BETTER PLACE? ...WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE...was a decorated CIA assassin...Sunny Sixkiller...they were going to kill a communist revolutionary...raping would-be contestants...the back of his head splattered against the wall of the church...
March/April MOTHER JONES magazine: ...End game for the Persian Gulf...TheThirty-Year Itch...of...Bush...asylum seekers...as the way to be rid of refugees...Wal-Mart...and...Ebola with wings...preys on...the currents of globalization...Snuffing out the tobacco treaty...the Bush administration...consisted of some dusty, unarmed warheads stored in a bunker...the president's tortured explanations...was more of a threat than North Korea...It's the oil, stupid...Henry Kissinger...is hardly the first...to resort to draconian measures to...jettison their compassion and their principles...Bob Saxton...seems bent on depriving the rest of the world of...his just-folks Midwestern drawl...McDonald's...wasted little time in accepting the resignations of...Dick Cheney...and...The Valdez Crud...the Potter brothers...figured it wasn't a cold, but something to do with the oil...Exxon refused to...invent...Total Information Awareness System...bogeyman John Poindexter...realized the logo was just too spooky...for an office of spooks...IS THAT A PRESIDENT IN YOUR POCKET?...Bill Shein...can feel the power...it's almost as lightweight and two-dimensional as the real thing...John Ashcroft...was utterly horrifying...
April 24 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...Watch out or...Zooey Deschanel...is the first victim...That lie is matched by...suicide bombings...land-grabbing Israeli military...mourn death of the truth...America now stands at the intersection of...video games...mindlessness...indifferance and indulgence...We must then withdraw...2000 and work now to...guarantee excellent funding for our future...crazy buying spree...A sales tax...appears to be indulging in that childish arrogance we call...Painful remedies...Ginny Burdick...mindlessly muttering about...getting the stink-eye from...stinkin' up the place...WHITE-NECKS...really made me laugh...right here in the Emerald city...Michael Lane...becomes completely irrelevant when you consider that...HOPE MARSTON...was buying pencils in Baghdad's Al Nasser market...David Kelley...owns the most radio stations in the world...Ani DiFranco...SHOCKED ALL AGES...Detonators...blast Bush...The Bastard Saints will...bug Allred about...the mysteries of shapeshifting...
May NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...LIFE AND DEATH ON...more than 20,000 pounds of garbage...a live chicken...sounds blasphemous, but...a number of lions...dangling goats and invisible soldiers...have a responsibility to describe the facts...pictoral fantasy masquerading as reality...is being examined for use in a U.S. Navy ship...Lord of the Wings...Located just north of Australia...created Nu Shu...arguably the world's most venomous animal...Everest...knocked the bastard off...THE KILLER WITHIN...proved during a lifetime of generosity and achievement that...chants and self-denial take a backseat to...Maoist rebels...walking five miles through the snow to get to school...CD shops and video rental counters...attacked police officers and other governmental employees, hacking off their victims limbs one by one with farm sickles...treckers were forced at gunpoint to...tend intricate terraces planted mostly with potatoes...
June 28 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Thousands...killed in...their Humvee...an anonymous military official...calls for the creation of an independent and sovereign Palestinian state...Hamas...performed for the opening ceremony of the Oregon Bach Festival...STADIUM CAUSES...24 million people...to kill and capture remnants of Saddam's government...a popularly supported insurgency...drafted an intelligence dossier to include...28 runaway rail cars...and...daily photos of topless women carried by several European tabloid newspapers...mad cow disease...seized nearly 4 tons of cocaine from a ship in the Caribbean...Some businessmen...dump their trash outside the door each night...Bush collects millions in...triple chocolate mousse...and...dirty diapers in the trash...State officials hope...more detailed policies would make it clear who is responsible for...the scheduled arrival in Israel today of national security advisor Condeleezza Rice...Our civil rights are being reduced...by a worse liar than LBJ...
July/August MOTHER JONES magazine: ...NEW WORLD ORDER...Hell or...Sweatshop labor...President Bush may have written a requiem for...All the Disappearing Islands...the FBI and the CIA...live like a tongue between teeth, in a balance of terror between Islamic militants and...Halliburton's global network...give us liberty or give us...the botched U.S. occupation of Iraq...The dangers this nation faces can only be overcome with...A Tortoise for the Queen of Tonga...A Long Strange Trip...Hydrogen's Dirty Secret...U.S. companies are dodging laws that...enshrine equal rights for women...Easson takes a sip from her...fax machine that had been jammed for several months...coalition forces...acknowledged that at least if they were all killed God would sort them out later...Tommy Franks verified today that...RAMPANT looting, an early sign of Western-style democracy, was beginning to emerge...The U.S. is the Big Dog...yanking the Big Dog's chain will bring on...pure evil...a lot of hollering and yelling...slithering malice...the road map...and a local tow truck driver...
August NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...Hidden tribes of the...trendy Paris neighborhood...must be stifled...Caves of Oman...walk around with bullwhips...Lost Boys...will be drinking a lot more wine...in Great Peril...ebola is striking in the...Migration to Nowhere...This Frog...has been treated with cattle dung...Rescued Siberian Tiger Cubs...bubble in a huge vat of beer...Ancient Egyptians thought...white people talk too much...165 students of a Jewish school...are bringing power to the Atacama's copper mines and sprouting cities...a huge dust devil near the Pan American Highway...produces a third of the nation's copper...Iron-red hills sculpted by the wind...lolling like giant sausages on the black sand...A federal judge sided with...one of those rare bluebird days that occur perhaps once a month in the Aleutians...baked halibut and beer...found high levels of DDT...A killer whale came up and chomped an...incredible theory...a 50 percent population decline since the 1950's...latches on to the junk food hypothesis...The wiry, bearded fisherman...belows its trademark roar near...A hot spot called Hell's Cafe...lost souls writhing on its walls...
September 29 COMIC NEWS #457: ...Things you won't want to...SHAKEDOWN every Monday...He looks so...particularly vulgar, besotted...and lewd...a friend told him to...hand out incense sticks at Denver International Airport...Sweet Productions Company...and his three diving partners...walk the streets, smell the stench of raw sewage, and...fell out of a tree while meditating...the odor of manure...Last week I got the most astounding phone call...Why do I keep finding Richard Nixon in my closet?...a convention of methamphetamine addicts...make a religious thriller...Bush calling for expanding the Patriot Act...THANK YOU JOHN ASHCROFT...THOSE WHO ARE HERE...have cloned an embryo that contains a mix of...humans and rabbits...Naked ones are the best...Kinki University...could clone...some peppermint schnapps...THE INVASION OF ANTARCTICA HAS BEEN A STUNNING SUCCESS...THE ANTARCTICA REGIME WILL NOT ATTACK AMERICA...
October 28 THE NEW YORK TIMES newspaper: ...All the News That's Fit to...create a banking giant...5,700 branches in 29 states...Flames removed...the Peddlers of Pills...Wolfowitz...declined to commit to...systematically investigate the effects of suicide...The Jackson's are in jail in...BAGHDAD...L. Paul Bremer III...Scores Russian Financial Markets...Russia lurched toward...hysteria and speculations...masked agents...seized...Russian newspapers...and...leading industrial and business...leaders...Mr. Putin said...virtually no one here believes that any court will render a fair verdict...The ruble...had been turned into an enemy...Syrians Gamely Tackle...half a dozen women...a small elite...teaches the donkey...recalcitrant children or dim-witted servants...aged Cuban cigars...knock off 18 holes...United Nations soldiers...whack their balls...a mixture of English, Japanese and...fragrant herbs...warned Monday of tax increases and spending cuts...your favorite authors...charged the publisher...with obstructing justice...
November 20 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...NEW CAMPUS REBELS...believe...Veteran's Day...should be ashamed...the United States...all have bad hair days...the rest of us...say yes to everything...Ballfields...the bus station...and...Paradiso...have a simple view...President Bush...will emerge from the slashing and burning of...Iraq...PETTY POLICING...profiling based on race...TO UNDERMINE...the first banana in the tail pipe...OBEY THE GOVERNMENT...the most decadent and immoral express line for...hell...Get religion out of...our auto-centric transportation culture...The average American driver...and vegetable oil...pioneer the latest bioweapons...Fort Detrick...gave Saddam Hussein...over a million pounds of depleted uranium...the International Criminal Court...the warm cuddly body of my true love...thank...every dyke musician who...stood in front of a cheering crowd, and...taught me about my clitoris...how to get unsweetened yogurt up my vagina...those candied yams...Graffiti writers from Eugene...COUNTY SPRAY...BLUE MOUNTAIN PARK...Republicans, Libertarians and independents, oh my...
December NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...Hubble's Eye on...the Maya Corn God...Hot Pink Flamingoes...and...everything from martial arts to tea ceremonies...Rosie the Riveter is still...Sacrificing a goat for...a joyous mud fight...JENNY FRIEDL...would prefer something different from..."tough" monkey meat in a "stinky" broth...MARIUCCIA ALCOCK...could be the exact opposite...Harley Davidson Riders...destroyed important sea otter habitat...Primanti sandwich shop...was struck by...The Wright Stuff...Warping Wings...on hot tea...Kill a Cat, Save a...woylie, kilby, and numbat...A hockey-puck-sized oak disc...was almost derailed by the war in Iraq...Blue Angels corkscrew...a mannequin...called Lois...and...Burt Rutan...potable gravity suits and...People like NASA's John Zuk...ESCAPE...tango singer Laura Bogado...tango trinkets...Zoom into the Swan Nebula...cosmic bumper cars...of the Early Maya...require staggering amounts of spirolina...
January/February MOTHER JONES magazine: ...Apeman...May Be Closer Than You Think...The Lie Factory...cherry-picked...The Soul of...Grover Norquist...Gods and Monsters...drove dictator Charles Taylor into...slavery in the British Empire...The Bush dynasty...is being exposed as a shameful fraud...documents so blatantly bogus that...Robert Dreyfus...is one more clear example of...New Mexico's Strange Love...hollow grapefruit-sized spheres of plutonium...passed muster with the U.S. Food and Drug Administration...Janice Armstrong...promotes growth of tumors...John Nutting...refuses to use...John Ashcroft's rebuke...Bush speech with robotic delivery...Bush saying he doesn't read the papers...Bush's skin is thinner than rice paper...mistakes in Afghanistan and Iraq...then sit back and watch him try...glorifying sex, materialism and lack of personal responsibility...and...proud to be more extremely average than ever before...disinformation and bogus intelligence...are on the prowl, and the air is filled with swarms of...the Central Intelligence Agency...Wolfowitz and Feith have deep roots in...Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda...Richard Perle...looked at the connection between...talking apes, flying pigs, superhumans with armadillo attributes and other strange considerations...
Third February COMIC NEWS <WINK> #476: ...ONE EYE ON...YOUR PARANOIA...Magnetic Media...convinced the Arr Gee to...Forget that the Bush Administration led us into an unnecessary war using...Janet Jackson's nipple!...and grows increasingly idiotic by the second...Janet offered...a classless, crass, and deplorable stunt...a hillbilly Christian...plans on taking...Martha Stewart's personal tragedies...into a fuming outrage...Scott McClellan pooh-poohed...Janet's nipple...CIA director George Tenet...will blame Justin Timberlake, who will level the blame at the real reason we're at war...John Kerry...Howard Dean...picked up the endorsement of Gaia, goddess of all living things...Father Christmas...is...conducting full body cavity searches of every girl...Paris Hilton...can be really, really upsetting...incompetant insurance...remains shuttered for lack of...an indoor rainforest in Iowa...a two-foot high tree stump whose shape resembles the Virgin Mary...filed a lawsuit against Wal-Mart...Reality TV producers...nurtured fraternal feelings for fleeing Nazis...a super rich person...never claimed to make sense...AN INANIMATE CHOCOLATE BABY...set my laser printer on stun...and ended up in the psych ward...
March 27 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Richard Clarke...ushers in a new...SEARCH FOR BIGFOOT...Drivers on Interstate 95...shot and killed three retired police officers...suspected of having links to drug traffickers...a bloody feud...was spilling over into...the deadly Madrid railway attacks...the house where the bombs were built...has often attacked Iraqi targets...a U.S. missile struck...Bush, Kerry...Bush was in the Sun Belt and Kerry in the Rust Belt...The outcome of the election may hinge on which...Fetal portraits become the lastest craze...Fetal Photos, Prenatal Peek and Womb With A View...The FDA shut down...43 airports...The FAA studied...a tsunami...a farmer's coop manager...managed to foil retaliatory attacks, shooting dead two Palestinians...in wet suits and flippers...Palestinian leaders...who had been taken hostage by militants...escaped through a network of tunnels emanating from...a mountainous region...Call it Bigfoot, Sasquatch or Yeti, but a hairy, apelike creature tall enough to make a basketball coach cry...had encountered great difficulties in cultivating popular support among the Iraqi people...
April 22 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...POLITICAL PUNK...AN AMERICAN HERO...Mau-Mauling The Class Catchers...is the most unconsciously class-driven little society that...was in Cafe Paradiso...The UO must...get crucified for having big mouths...My husband and I...are fertilized by pollen...We both have graduate degrees in...Car Talk...Deadwood...will get crisis problems addressed...Kucinich...will vote for Senator Kerry in November if he...remains diligent in our work to...rake in money on...Blowing in the Wind...Winged Migration...flashed photos of eagles perched on the rotors of wind turbines...breaking the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918...The Center for Biological Diversity...turns Garbage into Gold...Earth Day is the perfect...very moist and dark environment...when you squeeze it, a few drops should come out...a web search will turn up many hundreds of...layers of duff in Minnesota forests...the legendary giant worms...of Oregon...described as Smashing...intense, steamy, and brutal...Learn to Bead for Teens...Children's Book Club...Can Read Your Mind...Political Science...features salsa lessons and...Sockhop...
May/June MOTHER JONES magazine: ...THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF...DEBRA J. DICKERSON...A Nation of ...brutal economics...the verdict is...The End of Empire...the junk food line...outside Portland, Oregon...has received dialysis three days a week...skyrocketing drug prices...not for my fat ass...Pioneers and Rangers are raising...money like a drunken sailor...Military leaders are starting to wage a war on...photos of kittens taped to the wall...the picture of a rabble-rouser...holds out a massive windfall for Bush insiders...a Russian oligarch with a history of shady dealings and environmental destruction...gained access to the New York Stock Exchange...the Baker people have been...swallowed up by a giant red hoodie...these 19-year olds are locked in a high-profile showdown with...a hodgepodge of libertarians...the quashing of the Diebold emails...attracted Congressman Dennis Kucinich...a German television crew...and a Hollywood filmmaker...My mom...will not be Blogged...journalists and readers need to get out of their pajamas...I HATE...the whole artificial universe...and...pillars of salt...
THIRD JUNE COMIC NEWS <WINK>: ...READ OUR...LOW-CARB HUMOR INSIDE...jarts while...Personal Pallets...poke your head in...better letters to the editor...publically recognized that some aspects of fame are "retarded."...One Day think...a booby hanging out...after rapper Snoop Dogg...took a wrong step...will pierce their bellybuttons...Bush can torture as many prisoners as he wants...Attorney General John Ashcroft said...I just strangled a kitten underneath the table...Nothing but a handful of fur and kitty guts...fellating of dead president Ronald Reagan...on the dime...led us into the current war on terror...a group of German researchers...knows two hundred words...John McCain had rejected...the Popeill full body condom...Chernobyl...suggested vacuum sealing...George Bush's brain...Oprah featured a scientist who...harbors more germs and bacteria than all the porta-potties at the Oregon Country Fair...a crew in HazMat suits...found that your desk...has multiple sclerosis...a 33-year old British woman... was "tossed in the air like a human shot put."...an animated piece of excrement...will die in the boiling blood of Satan...
July 20 THE NEW YORK TIMES: ...REBUILDING IRAQ...by an ungainly contrapton...that smacked the muddy earth again and again...Women in Lesotho...to Examine Iran-Qaeda Tie...Terrorists...are now training in Texas for a mission in Iraq...Daniel Peres is a slob, and almost never tucks in his shirt...bosses and parents everywhere...are letting their shirttails wave...outfits best suited for mowing the lawn...extinguish street unrest in the Gaza Strip...a gunman killed...a prominent Israeli judge...on a motorcycle...There is no love lost between... Sharon...The Women of Lesotho...H.I.V. ...early sex...all sexual matters...a revolution in sexual morality...the Gap, Wal-Mart, Timberland and Target...Putin Dismisses...the Pentagon's Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...A DIAMOND AS BIG AS A MOUSE...was assassinated late Sunday night...15 feet of water...including opponents of abortion...anarchists...plan to picket convention events...bomb disposal specialists...would probably be deployed to handle traffic problems...Chelsea and Revere are expecting their streets to be...worse than during the Great Blizzard of 1978...Kathleen O'Toole...will be drained to become part of a state police headquarters...Senator John Kerry...was thrown out of the Aladdin Casino in Las Vegas last weekend after dedicating a song to Michael Moore...
August 21 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...AMTRAK BUSES...LAST SPLASH...of shrine weakens...sacred mosque...militants say...vets' ads illegal...President Bush denied allegations of any wrongdoing...Without ice...'park' may block Eugene parkway...A remote marsh...did not violate civil rights laws...A fire...has declined to lift a supoena...the reporter's confidential source or information...rocked a burning underground gas storage facility...Lawmaker seeks to ban...a president on Oct. 9 and a parliament in April...Journalist to lead...a rougher bottom just in case...Saddam bust...was damaged last year by...the University of Maryland...McCain stumps for the Bush campaign to prove...No justice in this country whatsoever...9/11 panel...is delivering to its business allies an election-year plum...the labor department says...lobbying by business groups...will prompt even more lawsuits...Union workers...get aced out of the massive government contracts...A 50% cut in our paycheck could not be good...Jack Straw's visit...ravished poultry flocks throughout Asia earlier this year and killed 27 people in Vietnam and Thailand...
Sep/Oct MOTHER JONES magazine: ...Bush's obsession with Iraq...has been sidelined by...his own problem with women...Kissinger...and the nine male legislators who stood behind him...have to endure the "choking stench" emitted from a factory-style hog farm...Republican spin doctors...put people out of work...The U.S. Chamber of Commerce...said that the sexual degradation at Abu Ghraib was just high school gym stuff...Karl Rove...was killed by a procedural vote in July...Dr. W. David Hager and two other physicians...took over the Army ROTC building for 24 hours in January, redecorating it with antiwar murals...hip-hop star Nelly...demanded 5,000 junior college students...With signs proclaiming "Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries"...Two hundred students...have saved the souls of Hitler and Stalin...JOHN ASHCROFT...was appointed by God...TOM DELAY...has used the word "evil" at least 350 times in speeches...HALF OF ALL SAUDIS...have been aborted since Roe v. Wade...61% of Democrats...did not commit rape as a matter of policy...Elaine Chao...is sweeping swing states to find voters for John Kerry.
SECOND OCTOBER COMIC NEWS <WINK>#502: ...VOTE BUSH OR...Be Happy...satire and Parody is a decent way to...beat opponents into submission...botching a castration...to help repay the national debt...a woman awoke at night to...blast a fire hydrant cap into the air...A 17-year-old boy was killed...when he was spotted wandering around at 1 a.m. bleeding from an amateur Mohawk haircut...John Hutcherson...had been decaptitated by a telephone...Vicious President...starts to drain the life out of your organization...WELL, WE FINALLY... HAVE TURNED THE TIDE FOR THE TICKLE ON MY TUSHIE...WHAT KIND OF SUPREME COURT JUDGE WOULD...RE-ELECT BUSH...Mr. CRANKY...should drop like a rock...a star player...can successfully tell the difference between a helmet and a jock strap...Miles...started scoring 100-yard field goals by shooting the football out of his ass...Berg had...a whole movie about firemen raping nuns...John...is hit by earthquakes, vocanoes, landslides, seismic waves, floods and avalanches...
November 24 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...PATSY CLINE...won't have to call the Poultry Hotline...Your body will...put a hospital in the Glenwood area...PeaceHealth really wants to be part of...Another Stolen Election... Think Globally, act...FROM PRISON...TORREY...profited personally from...the deceitful gang of nine...the Planning Commission...in the name of lies, obfuscations and flat-out political manipulations...will be burning a flag very soon...FLYING ELVIS...would make George Carlin blush...NASCAR and big-haired televangelists...are stupid enough to pay double for...ANOTHER RIGGED VOTE..Tom Tomorrow...is always talking about...an encyclopedia of electile disfunction...Thich Nhat Hanh...said our entire planet could be obliterated and the universe would not even know it...the Pilgrams...PEE IN BUSHES...Julia Butterfly Hill...possesses magic powerful enough to control the wind, weather and tides...the King of Naples...should definitely strive to chomp through the leather straps...
December 18 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Drug makers...all disclosed serious problems with...police force...Coburg...crystal ball holds...strippers...who are breaking...a 40-year old Marxist insurgency...China sought to outflank...troops in Kuwait...Sen. Trent Lott...says 224...five-year extensions...were first laid out in 1997...Conductor kills...Pregnant woman...taken from womb...purportedly to buy a dog...Bobbie Jo Stinnett...lied to her husband about...Sheriff Ben Espy...A security guard...told police...stem cells from fat...remove Christmas decorations...Santa Claus...said he thought the images of prisoner abuse in Iraq were an appropriate response...the billboard's Nazi reference...simply represented the truth...These are the crimes in Iraq...Elite Mexican police...went up in flames last month...hooded commandos...would marry Tokyo city bureaucrat Yoshiki Kuroda...Princess Takamatsu...has been sitting in detention in Japan for half a year, fighting deportation orders...
Jan/Feb MOTHER JONES magazine: ...BILLION-DOLLAR BRIDES...converged to take on...The Dark Side of...the Supreme Court...the election of 2004 may have sowed the seed for...A Gathering Swarm...of Words for snow...and...New York women mourning police brutality...A woman shouts as she hears the verdict before being...posed on your cover...and...marries a box turtle...Now you must raise your children up in a world where...the Abu Ghraib affair...represents about 125 intelligence contractors, including Boeing, CACI, General Dynamics, and Computer Sciences Corporation...members of Congress...were instantly transformed into...a 5,000-pound cage around each vehicle, making them top-heavy...Pentagon auditors say...Booz Allen...a 46-year old man...was suffering from a kidney stone, and...a widely-used rat poison...Sleep is about to become...a $50 billion annual industry...How did corporations like Halliburton get...Olgoonik Corporation, a company owned by the tribe...to speed up contracting in Iraq...reduced to...the place of perishing...we can discover diamond deposits in any part of this country...the high water mark of a liberal upsurge...
February 13 THE OREGONIAN newspaper: ...The World's 10 Worst Dictators...are...Marilyn vos Savant... Sheila Lukins...was billed as a tax cut - but...HOWARD HUGE...doesn't come with special instructions...Don't crush or chew... your cell phone or Palm Pilot, or Post-it Notes...Ask your pharmacist to...cry a lot...Chocolate: A...Bullet proof...Queen Latifah...The 47th Annual Grammy Awards...lays out a set of 11 practical principles for fighting a war...The Madness of King George...like the resignation of Richard Nixon...now looks vaguely prophetic...The skilled forensics team...most of whom are women...always delivers a zinger...perched on...Nina Tassler...who talks to dead bodies...THE STEAMY AND SCHEMING...children...gave Maggie the proof she needed to...catch them in a romantic moment...Belle found an unconscious...cranky neighbor...after the publicity-hungry mayor pushes through an ordinance banning red meat for fear of mad cow disease...
March 24 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...SUPERSUCKERS...might have considered the recommendations by...Nazi Germany or Mussolini's Italy...comfortably-sedated Americans...may not agree with...excellent investigative journalism...Now the PERS Board needs to...attack Canada for its natural resources, its differences, and its bad attitude...weapons of mass destruction...do not have their cops out raping and abusing women and profiling racial and cultural minorities...Aaron Jones...a six-figure donor to Bush/Cheney...whacks education funding across the board...72 percent of employed Veneta residents...may be on us much faster than we think...the weakest children in our school district are still going to have to...interview with Bill Maher...to start a brushfire and see if it spreads...the Arab world was more ready for...a wacko...Inside the fence...there's a toxic witch's brew...Kip S. Thorne speaks on...Argentine tango...the sexy Reverend...doesn't have a motherfucking tan...the Vans Warped Tour...Can Lick Any Son of a Bitch In the House...
April 23 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Moussaoui conspired with...every inch against...Leoni Brinkema as ...Lane Community College...clears senior officers...Wearing the Split Raven...Canada performs...In smoke and flame...at the University of Oregon...The important thing is...she bit into a severed human finger while...inflicting more than $2.5 million in losses on...Fake inspectors at hospitals...Martian dust devils...Turn out for Arctic Earth Day dance...to see the humans...melt by the end of this century...caribou and polar bears...ordered a retrial for a man convicted last year of killing and eating another man...Frantic worshipers searched through rubble for...a 2000 law that defines what it means to be "alive"...The Bush administration ...refused to elaborate on the definition of "alive"...Cheney declairs he'll vote to ban...the Republican National Lawyers Association...and Republican Sens. John McCain of Arizona and Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island have publicly stated their opposition as well...Condoleezza Rice is under fire over reports on...a white woolen stole...Bacteria morph into...Tony Blair...a super bug has found its way into...Al-Qaeda trial...Sharon set to announce...the destruction of biblical temples...
May/June MOTHER JONES magazine: ...Nuclear Black Marketeer...funded by ExxonMobil...won a round in the battle against...Ghost Children of Big Mango...Asher Karni...has saved countless lives. So why is the FDA so eager to shut him up?...Smut, breast implants, and other boobs...promises to bring the family together...a sleepy Midwestern community...examines the spawn of the Nobel Sperm Bank...Jonathan Safran Foer...pinpoints... denying reality itself...Mooney's article...can't do what needs doing if the American people are allowed to know what that is...The point here is...tightwad Midwestern Rotarians...have prospered by purveying a potent mixture of wishful fantasy and outright lie...a right-wing shill posing as a journalist...resulting in unsustainable levels of slaughter...Diesel exhaust contains...Battlespace...and...The Question of sexism...two military intelligence agents ...convened a hearing on internet smut and remained straight-faced...Sen. Bill Frist...can follow you around ...outside of U.S. territory...Suzanne Spaulding...goes to work with NORTHCOM, using some of the same interrogation methods used at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay...President Bush...will suffer torments of conflict and guilt as...The most likely consequence is death...
June 23 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...IMPEACH BUSH & CHENEY...BLACK SHEEP DESCEND ON EUGENE...Anna Morrison's extreme record...is a recipe for real danger...pedophiles and other offenders... working with FOOD For Lane County...directly impact some 14,000 people...Morrison's environmental record... has recently gone from awful to atrocious...ODOT continues to...receive much less severe punishment than...the Eugene Human Rights Commission...LITTLE TEXAS...has a track record of destroying...everyone who voted for Mayor Piercy...peak oil...has a methamphetamine problem...The thefts, violence, abuses in general that this drug creates are appalling...The Supreme Court...announced last week that it will double its jobs in Springfield to about 2,000...out-sourcing jobs to India...is one of the most serious steps our representative democracy can take...going to war...Threatening the judiciary and packing the courts with right wing fanatics...unencumbered by normal human emotions...attack Eugene...Bonnie Bettman said...The Register-Guard has fallen squarely on Springfield ...Wool Power...and wool wonks...through communion with fiber animals...evolved way past the lumpy, chunky, itchy days if yore...
July 27 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Lawmakers find...driver after chase, gunshots...Most nations trump...the sounds of a loud party...followed by male voices...then a horrific thud...Windy City proposes...sexual fantasies...Aruban firefighters...a jailed Dutch youth...Islamic terrorism...more than one hundred violent deaths... the killing of 18 Neuero Laredo policemen...16 Iraqi workers...wounding 27 passengers...and defeating the insurgency...Saddam Hussein...bit at least two detainees at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison, one severely enough to require stitches...the highest ranking intelligence officer...could face up to 16 1/2 years imprisonment if...scared of the dog's barking...Sabrina Harman...plunged into disarray amid allegations of...participation in dismissing Watergate prosecutor Archibald Cox...The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers was forced to...beef up organizing, political action...Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan reaffirm..."Die America!" and throwing stones tried to batter down a gate...Humans in space...can't even get relief for a cold or the flu...Karl Rove...should be turning big rocks into little ones...Iraq blast unleashed...PAUL PRENSKY...and...voracious appetites of American consumers...
August NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...Cowboys, caimans and mud...threaten the health of...Vintage gas pumps in California...Winston Churchill...may waddle more than a hundred miles to the sea...a mars rover... seemed perfectly suited to the old botanical garden at Pamplemousses...Guantanamo Bay...is being obliterated by instant material gratification...a memorial to a bloodstained field...like the leprechauns of Ireland...presents a challenge to the survival of...nonexistant roads...PEGGY ROBERTSON...thought about how the tiny female would react to...holy terrors if she knew about us...a pelican!...touched a nerve of horror...Scientists still have a lot to learn about...two young kids and a pregnant wife...a las Vegus-quality tightrope act...and gobble fish...the sweaty white guy...caused a rash on my palms, a serious collection of dark red, burning, little geometric shapes: nine circles and one square...crazy cats...hold huge potential for wind power...hydrogen fuel-buses...a freaky car... Leftover rice hulls...endless garbage streams...and dripping stalactites...Gua Ham...stenciled the cave walls with some 350 hands...tatoos...shamanistic practices...Gunadi Mum...forbidden spots...deeply hoof-pocked mud... streaming sweat...ecotourists...and two dozen vultures...
September/October MOTHER JONES magazine: ...The WMDs That Walked...In the Garden of Armageddon... Jack Abramoff started off as a...stupid son of a bitch!...before he became a drunk...soft-palmed, privileged know-it-alls...don't know what they're doing...Bush...still cannot get over the horror of...far-reaching protections for women...The law...in the State of Texas...wore strips of red painter's tape across...unborn babies...God...When not in front of the Court...spent more than 40 years in the Louisianna State Penitentiary at Angola...for stabbing a bank teller to death...He went in a killer at age 19 and emerged remorseful and redirected...In 1993 Life magazine called him the most rehabilitated prisoner in America...a pin in the lapel of his suit...spelled...Expect a Miracle...a Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton T-shirt...had a -powerful impact on Capitol Hill...The U.S. Government...flooding Iraq with...281 million bills weighing 363 tons - to pay off..."ghost employees"...Custer Battles...received a duffle filled with $2 million...Neptune...threatened to go nuclear...Killer Coke...morphed into a five-day hunger strike...George W. Bush's...clients were a rougues' gallery of...total shits and monsters...That's what Washington is all about...the suckers will buy it...He knew some of these people were monsters...snowflakes...villains...pariahs..flacks...
October 20 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...another toothless bureaucracy investigating...the crimes of...Paul Prensky...the Portland Mercury...Jerry Springer...God...hell...Lori Kasprzak...Cheap and Choosy...shekel...Torah...Israel...anti-Semitic lies...Nazis...graffiti...regular media...a genuine apology...PeaceHealth Clinic...Triad...O'Hara School...River Bend...Amazon Creek...bike paths...Kid Sports...President Bush...the Dark Ages...90% of our children consume excessive amounts of...Hawaii, California, and New York...a major scandal involving sexual assaults by two police officers...is also considered to be responsible for a toxic ground water plume...Think of the suffering...girliemen and ball busters...Most of them never get to peruse sperm-donor catalogs and...people look at them funny...you never know when someone in your family might turn out that way...The Very Bad Idea...RAISES BUCKS...for...Frank Slugsnotra and Scarlett O'Slimera...Oonie Egghen...published a front page feature story lauding...one of the biggest scandals in city history...raping and sexually abusing women...Gov. Kitzhaber...knew that they were approving an unfair, contradictory sack of trash wrapped in pretty paper...
November 19 THE REGISTER GUARD newspaper: ...House clashes over...a wall of flames as high as 30 feet...Sri Lankan vows to...off Central America...Chechnya's premier...fell on us and the place was filled with dead bodies...the United Nations' top human rights official...bopping to Arabic music...sways to the beat...Rioting may open the door to...fumes at prayer time...Germans formalize...President Bush, Chinese President Hu Jintao, Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizuni and Russian President Vladimir Putin...new bird flu outbreaks...force them to run as independents...Fatah gangs were...stealing gasoline and other goods...Castro told students...when the side of a sodden volcano collapsed...hundreds of poor Guatemalans are homeless and without work...The weather was warm enough for Candy O'Rear and Tony Butchart, both 50 and from Olympia, to...survive fall from truck, tie up turnpike...we should be investigating this as an escape attempt...the latest bizarre...Emissions: Judge to decide whether...He sings in the Eugene Choir...
December NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...A prehistoric sea monster blasts...Hundreds of beluga whales...this refuge for leftover hippies...did an excellent job of...conducting building damage inspections following Hurricane Dennis...Brazil's Wild Wet...could make you crazy, then...Toxoplasma...was only 29 cents a gallon...A team of scientist/divers predicts...Witch Wardrobe Inspired...Ferris Wheel for Boats...Bear Essentials...Going to the...stray dog basking in a patch of sun...You're One in a Million to...the Canadian Wildlife Service...A mouth bristling with fangs...prowled...Feltham's umbrella-shaded table...Irish saint Columba...was swimming across the River Ness...when...a diabolical beast with a horse's head...ate every other living thing...Some Chinese dragons...transformed into Sea Dragon Kings...With serpentlike scaly bodies, horses' heads and blazing rabbit eyes...Buddhism wasn't a monk with a shaved head...Honda hospital...was dying of cancer...Plum Village meditation center...hosts...the tip of your nose...the pain in your knee...a living, incarcerated hell...the lotus flower emerges from mud...
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