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SILLY MEDIA QUOTE OF THE MONTH

Daily
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2006 and later Silly 2002-2005

2001

December SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN magazine: ...Neanderthal Thinking...manipulated to treat...IAN TATTERSALL...Buying chemical weapons through the mail...Growing prison populations...Staking Claims...to new electronic surveilance technology in public spaces...that digitally matches faces with mug shots...even the best systems choke...innocent citizens...the young, the male and the black were systematically and disproportionately targeted...Walking while female...outright misuse...yielding up more of our privacy...all stripes are fraudulant...prey on the lonely...unexamined moral overtones...economic forecasting is less than an exact science...SUVs are more dangerous to people than other passenger vehicles are...MORALITY OF CANNIBALISM...cannibals...derive some physical benefit from the deaths of their victims...moral progress is at least unclear...baby is an excellent subject in learning experiments...reinforced by trivial invironmental events...the baby will enjoy the experiment...Cockroaches...form a most delicious soup...in the larval state...His bearship had for a long time been the terror of the district...Better Killing through Chemistry...

November MODERN MATURITY magazine: ...INFAMY...Jack Welch...Secret Energy Boosters Wow Your Grandkids...Quincy Jones...spraygun-of-love...healing power of tea...After the terror...Deaf Girls rule...street hustlers...looked death in the face...POLITICAL LUCY...locked in a sado-masochistic struggle...wearing the chains...shredding his foot-long, hand-rolled...male potency...flesh to attract our attention...working people are treated as trash...women are second-class citizens...NOT WILD ABOUT HENRY...qualify him for a war-crimes trial...CAR SHARK...Be Seeing You...ON SATURDAY NIGHT...until the small hours of the morning...HAIR KNUCKLES...WEAR YOUR VITAMINS...THINK WITH YOUR FEET...Religions must serve humanity, not the other way around...Instead of entering on a "war of civilizations," we must pursue a planetary peace...dumb luck...MAKES MANAGEMENT SIMPLER...knee-jerk reaction...an incredulity rooted in simple racism...takes a permanent bite out of you...YO-YO FLINGING...stick your tongue out and cross your eyes...Look fierce...the foundation of bebop...

October SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN magazine: ...WORM WARS...Drowning New Orleans...Repairing Bad Retinas...in a Hostile Universe...Uncloned States of America...criminalizes the activity...a twistier avenue...schizoid arrangement...missile defense...terrorism...having a beard...to look like girls...irrational value system...the altar of big money...weak and insufficient...curious pieces of sea furniture...are worth a dozen of the modern nether garments...Bush's outright dismissal of Kyoto...Patently Bizarre...the best of the weird...a strange menagerie...Dead Men's Tales...the skeletons in your closet...THE UNBRIDLED OPTIMISM...zombies attacking...Rosy Predictions...associated with crashes...Big Brother...HOW DEADLY OUR GALAXY CAN BE...enormous impact...Alligator Science...one million people could be trapped...The End of Oil...

September 6 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...Pinot noir soars...massive demonstration...Natural Resistance...QUITE A SEA CHANGE...PRESIDENT'S LATEST LIES AND OBFUSCATIONS...THE HEGEMONY OF THE CORPORATE STATE...CRANKY WHITE MALE CONSERVATIVES...HYDROGEN FUTURE...sleepy little Willamette Valley...Gang of 9...rape and incest, contraceptive counseling, tubal ligations, vasectomies...pregnant again...imperious, tax-exempt, highly profitable, doctrine-dominated...huge bail-out fund in the event of a reactor meltdown...NEW IMAGE NEEDED...Killer Bras...BULLY RADIO...CHOKING OURSELVES...HOSTILE VIBES...boring slobs...WEALTH ADDICTS...the most acute problem we face today...megalomaniacal greed...the need to believe...the fiasco in Florida...the loser won...HYNIX TEETERS...a honking river of 45,000 cars...a giant broken machine that fell from the sky...massive confrontation in DC...like a Harlem Globetrotter dribbles...All Nude, All the Time...The Foursome...treachery and jealousy...just another set of pointless killings...penultimate moments...You Look Like You're Haunted...when miserable...

August 27 COMIC NEWS #352: ...BABY COMES FULLY LOADED...with...irreverant zanyness...everyday problems of drug addicts..."broccoli" ice cream...sodium amytal with vodka...woodscrews and Superglue on patients...Blows away any of the professors I had (In Texas)...condum comes with a fingerprint-sensitive tab...in the throes of ecstacy...boiling dirty underwear in pots with food...print on rotten fruit rinds...loveable goofy Irish setter could burn in a forest of eternal damnation...give birth in a nursing home...No wonder the economy's in the toilet...KITS FOR CORRECTING THE SPELLING ON HEADSTONES...LONG LINE OF ZOMBIES...gored by an enraged elk...dumbass kids go off to college...has puss and snot running down his face...hurling a nerf ball at a charging elephant...he's really disgusting...smell like a sewer...beg for more speed...cleaning up his messes...Shrub arsenic parasite...Skull and Bones soul...OUTSOURCED NATIONAL DEFENSE TO THE SALVATION ARMY...LOOK AT THE CRUSADES...FAITH-BASED SUPREME COURT...TOFU WITH SPAM...CREATES PROTEIN ANTI-MATTER...

july/august MODERN MATURITY magazine: ...Goofy for Disney...Super Kids!...New Orleans is...an obsession...Eartha Kitt...was punished for speaking her mind...Who did this lady's makeup, Barnum and Baily?...like calling pregnant women "big bellies."...hate him, Henry Kissinger...America's main enemy right now...Star Wars...terribly wrong...made a mistake...things went awry...It's especially fiendish...the Great Depression...Life is an incredible rip-off...a dippy pastime...nail fungus that's FDA-approved...Brash independence and wanton rebelliousness...Mozart in the womb...doing a science project in school...to be a stunt devil...That sure is corny...Doctors in the West have been arrogant...screaming in terror...Ceramic Goofy and Pluto...1,100 Disney tatoos on his body...a long line of sexually compliant women...Trickle-down Buddhism...

June SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN magazine: ...The Paradox of the...Lunatic conspiracies...Meet NASA's nose...Scientists are often lampooned...a magic shield against all nuclear threats...making politicians look foolish...a color that changed the world...I have X envy...spend a few nights in a cell with an inmate on death row...our sisters have heart disease...THE MILKY WAY'S PAST EXPOSES ITS LIFE AS A CANNIBAL...PREY OF THE MILKY WAY...stretched, shredded and assimilated...shards of at least five hapless galaxies...empires of stars rise and fall over the course of cosmic time...Robotic Bombers...BEGIN TO TAKE OFF...Cockpit-less UCAV's...to deploy the weapons or not...WORTH MORE DEAD than alive...The American Terrorist...Aborted Crime Wave...revived from its near death encounter...Coke and Pepsi...will not be so easily found...Fox's Flapdoodle...vacuous blather...Such flummery...irrationalism...no-mooney mongers...visible rubbish...loops, arches and holes...ROBOFLY FLAPPING SLOWLY...the bumblebee myth...in the brain...NORTH TO MARS...

May 26 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Diane Keaton...may take in spent nuclear fuel...expects to earn billions...warns of tainted cantaloupe...Sharpton jailed...hid in closet...wins hypnotism lawsuit...protected by the First Ammendment...Jane Ginsberg...the daughter of a slave woman and the white plantation owner...half sister of...Oregon's Wu...Holly Armstrong said...Senate Democrats making big plans to control...President Bush...ramming through...environmental protections...highly toxic...troops...accused of committing atrocities...in deadly building collapse...Polish bishops...apologize for...the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration...Powell encourages...heckling and tough questions...Leaving your job...stirring the pot...Eugene Mayor Jim Torrey...classic case of hypocrisy...iron fist of the state clubs a family member...Officials selling us out...Christians closed-minded...glaring reporting error...punishment is so satisfying to our sadistic impulses...go with the flow.

April SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN magazine: ...Whose Blood is...genetically modified...bacterial DNA...a truly touchy interface...Puzzling adventures...for the inexhaustibly curious...a provocative viewpoint...breakthroughs and bunk...Rabid Denial...RABIES FEAR...Aborted thinking...GAG RULES...Full of Croc...Steve Irwin...plummeting morsels...a hole of 15 solar masses...the Destiny module on the International Space Station...let the android do it...roboheads was DART...Robonaut...Misfolded Proteins...which destroyed it... one critter...could foster the development of new species...like a drug addict in search of a fix...about 200 problems...get the job done...

March NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...EXTREME AFRICA...Religious zealots...awarded 26 Victoria Crosses...a revolting spectacle...Bounty's bones...22 billion tons of carbon dioxide...A growing habit...Snakes, Snakes, Snakes...have been to the mountain top...a beautifully spooky forest...he and his feral band...dense as the fur on a duck dog...a human Weedwacker...scratched at their bare arms...might go completely nuts...mooshed together like a crashed Corvair...bare-chested and walnut brown...FAR TOO ARDUOUS AND DEMENTED...where the bongo and the buffalo roam...stepped across 997 piles of elephant dung...Palmyra holds the seeds of paradise...staggering wealth...a bat nose ornament of solid gold...manufactured the letter...torture and kill their own people...that's the miracle! ...

February 24 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...A smoking trash pile...bars UO from WRC allegiance...Oregon State Board of Higher Education...appears to prevent universities from having a code of conduct...nobody wants to jinx the...Hasidic community...convicted in 1999 of stealing more than $30 million...state tax credit that mainly benefits large manufacturing companies...kept Toni Braxton's gown in all the right places...it was really sexy...before I get pregnant...Judge will oversee accounts...of more than 830 overdue books...four days of drinking, dancing, sex...in this predominately Roman Catholic country...mad cow disease...found guilty of inciting hatred...two women convicted of prostitution were hanged...to preserve the special relationship between the United States and Britain...We both use Colgate toothpaste...equipped with a zippered plastic cover...could face criminal charges...Brooklyn museum takes risks...a naked female Jesus, a dung-decorated Virgin Mary and an incensed New York City mayor...had neo-Nazi literature...

January SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN MAGAZINE: ...BRAVE NEW...Wrinkles in...Galaxy-Size Particles...border on the infinite...Chamber of Doom...Illegal drug use...fallible human operator...electronic bottleneck...Edible vaccines...lead to oral tolerance...civil disorder...impossible to issue a recall order...Racing Hearts...gravitational microlensing...the act of living is detrimental to our health...expect trouble when the body becomes weightless...arm-to-arm vaccination...bloodletting is indicated...John Ashcroft...whose work butts up...against...1,500 genetic counselors...used fictitious scenarios...

2000

December NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine:...Blue Nile...Wobegon...geologic wonder...Powdermilk Biscuit...nose-to-the-grindstone German Catholics...North Pole, Alaska...Sydneysiders chortled...not one Aboriginal face...the king who founded Anglicanism also had five wives...beheading or divorcing...shortage of screwdrivers...ended the infamous 1692 Salem witch trials...demons...highjacked from black people...Esselen groups...part of Big Sur's natural heritage...truly magical, spirited place...shot at the temples of Angkor...looting...horrors and genocide...One eye had been plucked out by her parents...eat freshly made...corn smut...creeps, crawls, slithers...gorge on pelagic red crabs...Nichols tracked a female...toward Japan...intends to scale the 10,302-foot peak...hundredth birthday...Mr. T's head is too small for his body...oxpeckers picked at existing wounds...swim to Hawaii...four legs and no head...spiraling journey...crocodiles the size of small dinosaurs...our well-armed priest...intestines, stomachs, and hearts coming out...dead Italian soldiers...a pirate's copper ring glinting in his ear...take some holy water home...deep-sucking whirlpools...wire-tailed swallows and half-collared kingfishers...give up exchanging daughters as wives...your hair is like a baboon's...My girl has big breasts and a big behind...That's a good sign...sticky mouths coming up for air...200 people and a TV crew looking in your pit...a fertile kind of chaos...a stone spearpoint buried in his hip...

November 22 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...GODS & CHICKEN...An anthropological study...Ceremonial feasting...moral retard...pharmaceutical corporations...Bushisms...mangles morality...Bush imagines...trivial disputes...handled as sloppily as the Florida election...PAPER SWAN...swallow a LIVE HAMPSTER...cloth tapestry ballot...ALABAMA voters...blame someone or something else...RALPH SAYS...stand up and stand for...folly of the election night predictions...FOOLING AMERICA...meddling in the democratic process...Twist the Truth...information cartel...six major media corporations...voter apathy...misinformation...KIDS ARE FAIR GAME...Pepsi and Coke...bought...schools...this is an outrage...barbaric devices of animal torture...throw the TV away...have a life...blame your own lame self...Thirty-four heroin users...PRICEY TRASH...less garbage...pay more...Fraud Hall...cheating retirees...reckless loans...bad investments...money from shady donors...very high stress society...George W. Bush...virtual gaming...Ritual Injunctions...Love, corruption and betrayal...delicious dilemma...post-feast fix...Four seafood lovers...the cycle of abuse...

October 28 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Out of the bedroom, on to Wall Street...Ducks focused...Wyden duels foe...sacred vote...let's legalize heroin...Hackers break in but just get peek...business should be relieved...ballot box hit 'em...in the ears...inflammatory telephone calls...incendiary new television spots...mean spiritedness...true low blow...George W. Bush...abysmal environmental record...defiant and more than a little ornery...fired a shotgun at two cars and into someone's living room...promote violence against women...denied entry into Canada...worry about getting spanked...one child was listed in serious condition...swindling the whole town...ate a 65-pound Labrador retriever...stormed the lobby of television station KRON...several arrests were made...death toll reaches 68...energize religious conservatives...anti-Catholic teachings...nuttiest clump of policy granola imaginable...indulging in a bit of doublespeak...complications from barbiturates...supply lethal drugs...candidate is dead...hurling charges...fickle voters...linked to a giant DDT deposit in the ocean off Los Angeles...reproductive damage to the eagles and falcons...

September 25 COMIC NEWS #306 (NORTHWEST): ...YOUR BUTT MUST FIT THROUGH THIS OPENING...SNOW WHITE and the 7 MORPHS...crawling with maggots...viscous, pungent goo that burns the tongue...jump straight toward the eyes...ORGASMIC BUREAUCRAT...walked three miles with a fractured neck...minor headaches after being struck with two separate bolts of lightning...used Qwick Tite glue to bond his penis to his abdomen...18 cats...shooting the finger at the person in the SUV...everyone else is a problem...strangers having assinine conversations and ogling each other...No one is welcome...Do pruning shears and slug bait arouse you?...naked old men in the shower with Rottweilers...cries at dog food commercials...AMAZING POCKET WEASEL...small carts drawn by teams of trained weasels...had my toes removed...ex-wives...run like hell...SPECIALIZES IN DISEASES OF THE WELL-INSURED...SNORT OUT THEIR HAR-HARS...People milked horses...200-pound penguins...become pregnant without meaning to...they cluck...easy to lug...think of another good word that starts with F...

August 26 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Fictitious news stirs free fall for stock...financial news outlets provide fertile ground for hoaxes...Investers rushed to sell...plunged from $103 to $45 in 15 minutes...stock market halted trading...fake press releases and other hoaxes...scams easier than ever to pull off...scary thing... sophisticated fraud...Atlanta Ballet plans to hire musicians from the Czech Republic...hundreds of police officers at Mexico City's biggest flea market...Bodies from 1941 crash recovered...Bush lacks drive...doesn't have the brains for the job...doesn't have the heart...keeps a light schedule...likes to be in bed early...hole up at his ranch... Bush tuckers out...Targets Castro...waning allure...all this yelling...He had to have that snort of cocaine...test positive for cocaine...narcotic of choice among New York's pinstripe-and-cocktail set...well dressed and well fed... Every bar's got a coke dealer and everybody has a delivery service...dot-com crowd...

July NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...WRATH OF THE GODS...HAUNTS... CIVILIZATION...Noah had to build an ark...Playing the slots can quickly turn into a watery hell...A freak thing...won the admiration of...trammeling hordes of well-heeled tourists...taking a bath...10,000 gringos all start soaping up...never, ever complain again about the hazards of...unwashed menfolk glorying in their collective testosterone...walrus bulls spar...high concentrations of toxic urea...they excrete the urea at incredibly high rates...wiped out 270 million of the nation's trees...we may someday awaken to find a team of tourists rappelling from the Statue of Liberty's nose...weird as all Australia...dead cane toads are turned into paperweights...A graveyard of skeletons with gray arms...Gondwana split...scary enough...like taking a spaceship to Mars...The globe was...a honey ant...

June 24 THE REGISTER-GUARD newspaper: ...Lawyer crusades for her gang-rape...Gunman demands newswoman...Flight-shy pilot...Hard-luck widow...reformed skinhead...insecure gangster sees a therapist...kooky lost love...he and valet can do it...jewel heist with odd losers...crackpot's DeLorean...Texas barmaid on track...Ghoul helps dead couple...Goons kidnap a boy...Ruthless boxer uses people...She woke up Pregnant...wolf spirit helps stranded teens...probes lecherous principal...Nazi treasure map...foreign thugs in LA high-rise...felons into commandos...Killers chase a mute girl...ugly date contest...A boogeyman frames a girl...rocket-armed radicals...son's involvement in gang rape...

May/June MOTHER JONES magazine: ...DO NOTHING CONGRESS...105th and the 106th...Monica Lewinsky...impeachment circus...the most witless convention of ditherers in our history...meaningful legislation... died in committee...Sheila Jackson-Lee...I am a queen and I demand to be treated like a queen!...Gingrich was sleeping with a mistress...Barbara Boxer...Boxer Shorts...J.C. Watts...smile around this place...Billy Tauzin...if you don't like soft money...bring it to us. We know how to use it...Mary Bono...Sonny died because he was a drug addict...Horny Goat Weed...take a nip...come back, kick ass...Trent Lott...agenda...Council of Conservative Citizens...preservation of "the white genotype."...one of their own...slimy brown mess of glop...Helen Chenowith-Hage...white Anglo-Saxon males are an endangered species...she is incompetant and has no credibility...John Kerry...a proctological exam without the sexual chemistry...Duke Cunningham...may have suffered...brain damage...during the anal surgery...Merrill Cook (R-Utah): One of Utah's...Three Stooges..."Fuck the Republican Party!"...You-Can't-Make-This-Shit-Up...Mark Foley...I've always been a big fan of Melrose Place...George Voinovich...being observed plucking a penny from a urinal...James Inhofe...staffers reportedly crashed his office computers by downloading too much porn...

April 20 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...Yo' Momma...Money grubbers lust...easy saw fodder...zippy Zerzan zingers...ludicrous, annoying and offensive...absurd message...chain-gruesome Gannet...JOURNALISM POLICE...BRUTAL, OPPRESSIVE REGIME...THE WORLD'S SKIMPIEST BIKINI...DOWNTOWN QUICKIES...Split Principals...fishing for Microsoft millionaires...landed his angel...PSYCHO-SPIN...I've kissed enough princes, looking for a frog...

March/April MOTHER JONES magazine: ...George W. Bush's Oily Past...left his investors high and dry...Slick W...Don't Cry for Bush, Argentina...Prodigal Sun...Ballots and Bones...Shocking prison restraints...Governor Puff Daddy...Wild West standoff...Jesse Ventura's bordello body...roller coasters at the cemetary...the flying car...Jesse Jackson...on Wall Street...revolt against the Muggles...evil, beer, and haiku...pepper spray and rubber bullets...brakes failed...radiator exploded...ignition melted...treacherous...crack-cocaine empire...Shrub...Bush... Troubletown...Shocking...Judge Joan...excruciatingly painful...involuntary convulsions...Nevada's lawlessness... Jesse Ventura...erected...balls...global warming caused by all of us Muggles...Jack Nicholson at age 193...

COMIC NEWS #275 MONDAYS (NORTHWEST): ...U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service ordered Maria...deported...after shoplifting conviction involving about $25...Christmas tree...tossed it out his sixth-floor window...hit a power line...knocking out electricity to about 400 customers...six recent incidents of on-duty sexual misbehavior by officers is attributable to "stress"...in the aftermath of the 1995 bombing of the Murrah federal building...Born-again Christianaway from internet ...powerless to stay pornographycomputer...England upheld the ...Satan...had taken over his firingworker...won a worker's ...about his bad hygiene...phone sex compensation settlementsyndrome due to masterbating ...carpal tunnel on the jobpastor...changed Immanuel's by-laws ...Rev. Richard...became to free up church himself...creepy ventriloquists...ate an entire money for row of cabbage sprouts...religious guilt...fiery brimstone...establish...7 new sinsguilt...wearing pants whose waistline hangs below the ...strike buttocks555-SOUL...Women Who Wine...Mother's couldn't be ...call everywhere so God created grandmothers...FORBIDDEN FANTASIES of and cabbage turn into trees...write things worth reading BOB...celery or do things worth writing...

January NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC magazine: ...Scourge of the body snatchers!...sinister universe...macabre world of parasites...mug shots...deadly hitchhikers...blood sucking...gills of certain sharks...virtual hotels...feeding, breeding...saliva of mosquitoes...whales were badly scarred and wounded...bears gorged on helpless belugas...Fingerprinting Rhinos...scouring the skies...aliens who pour ketchup on their fries...methane-bubbling microbes...gravitational traps...ravage our world, poison its water, foul its air...narrow, gloomy England...religious cults, neo Nazis, psychotics...satanists...prisoners and perverts, snipers...greasy sky...buffalo dung...ticks, boils...Carhenge...three-story house in the middle of the road...Road Kill Cafe...Elvis's ghost...absorb the wisdom of Buddhist scriptures without reading them...615 pounds of gold...defeat of ignorance, greed and aggression...Beauty pays well...magnificently ugly...blue veins on their necks and shoulders...plumped up by estrogen...breaking the arch of the foot...a culture that is completely bonkers...no pecs, no sex...threatened, frightened, bitten, stung, punctured and assaulted...

1999

December TOXICCUSTARD.COM : ...Bungee Jumping Jesus screen-saver...life won't be like Star Trek... barely have enough food...alarm neutralizing magnetic thingy...Woo hoo!...Father Christmas aka Santa...Be a bummer if the RAAF shot him down...We can't replicate an Australian Christmas...give a hug to the ladies... slurp down the last of my water...Mormans fed canabis cookies...Boy George almost squashed by glitter ball...Old bloke, stockpiling for the dreaded apocalyptic Y2K...gas bottles...ignores the 1946 expiry date. Kaboom...Queen buys 1,411 Christmas puddings!...Mars probe...burn up in the atmosphere because of a mixup between metric and imperial...

November 15-21 THAT'S COMEDY.COM online magazine: ...Sidewalk Santas were released from rehab ...Mayor Guiliani...surveilance cameras in...cabs...all day driving...all day editing...earthquake...Hillary Clinton was knocked back to her home state...Boris Yeltson needs Clinton's help like he needs another drink...153-light years...distance Al Gore is trying to generate between himself and President Clinton...Linda Tripp...asking now for donations...pocket monsters...haven't kids been playing with those for years?...the most sinister threat ever to take over the world -- Pokemon...Ricky Martin dresses like a homeless man...beer that has coffee in it...naked women who haven't had breast implants...National Geographic...Tryptophan...found in Bill Bradley and Al Gore... Jesse Ventura action figures...Even kids can buy politicians now...George W Bush...I can always turn back to drugs and alcohol...Tampa...ban on nude lap dances...but now they're allowed at city council meetings...Happy Birthday...during a rectal exam...ass has amazing accoustics...

October 21 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...Mayor Jim Torrey and Councilor Pat Farr attacked the Eugene Human Rights Commission...hiring discrimination by Hyundai Semiconductor...Torrey...I absolutely do believe... human rights meeting...prejudiced against Hyundai...council voted 5-1 to condemn...discrimination...by Hyundai... Torrey...denied any prejudice...LEGISLATURE FLUNKS...for its failure to maintain Oregon's environmental safety net...toxic pollution...House members averaged a dismal 43 percent...Senators...38 percent...House speaker Lynn Snodgrass...8 percent...Senate President Brady Adams...4 percent...Next year's likely House Speaker, Rep. Mark Simmons...zero score...

COMIC NEWS...#255: ...100% useless...willful deceit...kinky sex...staff...Trilateral Commission...EXTRATERRESTRIAL...almost embarrassing...ugly robber...stolen his glass eye...robberies...pulled off while naked...habitually carries a live snake around his neck...JERRY SPRINGER...RUNNING FOR OFFICE...SLIMEY, SLEAZY, FILTH-MONGERING, PORN-PUSHING PIMP...MOST PUTRID ELEMENTS...IQ DOWN ABOUT A MILLION POINTS...PARTY OF THONG UNDERWEAR, ORAL SEX, COPPING FEELS...YOUR BOY EES A JUNKIE...RUNNING AGAINST HOWARD STERN, SUSAN POWTER AND A NEO NAZI...PAT BUCHANAN...GOLF CLOTHES ARE UGLY...Poofy hats...outlandish golf introverts...SIX BILLION AND COUNTING...PEOPLE ATE BATTERIES...CRUNCHY SHELL AND A GOOEY INTERIOR...

August 27 SALON magazine online: ...Sniff me hard...smeared synthesized rhesus monkey copulins on the chests of 62 married women...mount a clay model of a hampster...extract from male underarms has a regulating effect...seminal fluid on a snout...Boar Mate...female armpit secretions on their lips...Good & Plenty candy and cucumber...increase in vaginal flow of 13 percent...aromas...caused an increase in penile blood flow...

July NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: ...Pigments...worth their weight in gold...diluted with cornstarch...used uranium oxide...soot from peat burning...color their warships...belly of flea...grinding the remains of Egyptian mummies...soil soaked with the urine of cows fed on mango leaves...pink suppresses appetite...candy-stained mouth...insects dried and crushed...blobs of PVC...tricks tomato plants...choked with oily black fog...dyes mixed with water rain on young Indian women...

June 17 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...You know you are addicted to the Internet when...You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it...Someone...says, "What did you say?" and you reply, "Scroll up!"...Your dog leaves you...You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy...You dream in text...You double click your TV remote...You have to be pried from your computer with the jaws of life...

May/June MOTHER JONES magazine: ...I'm a matchmaker, not a pimp...keeping QVC lines busy for the rest of eternity...addicted to the New York press...Titanic was the biggest piece of shit I'd seen in a decade...Fondle 'Em Records...field hollers and drunken campfire songs...demented stomp...hillbilly redneck...scroggin' and scotchin'...

April 23 THE AXE newspaper, South Eugene High: ...Don't waste your money...Prom is just an excuse for rich preppies to strut their stuff...minding my own business near...Fran ...was complaining to her friend that she didn't have a prom date...friend...looked like a Christmas tree...red hair...green sweater...pointed at me and said...go to prom with him... Fran turned six shades of green...managed to keep her lunch down; maybe she could swallow swords for a circus. Her friend...went on...You're perfect for each other...turning to me...and you're - um - breathing...humiliating experiences...keep me away from anything and everything that looked, smelled or quacked like a prom...They plan frantically for months...expect it to be the best night of their lives...When prom turns out to be a selfish, vain, clique-based party...they will be bitterly disappointed...purpose of prom...leave people out...who don't have dates...who can't afford a tux, a limo and an expensive dinner...the poor people...99 percent of the population who don't look like models...people who can't dance...underclassmen...I refuse to go to prom...I'm out of town...couldn't get a date if I cheated, stole and bribed...meticulous research...said to my Spanish teacher...list 15 reasons why prom is stupid...she rattled off 15 good, well-thought-out reasons in exactly 22.6 seconds...couldn't be sure what she said...in Spanish...talking too fast, but I'm sure she was agreeing with me. I realize my Spanish teacher probably doesn't have a whole lot to say in your prom decisions, but at least she doesn't look like a Christmas tree.

March SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN magazine: I was cocking an ear...students were raiding graveyards to snatch the corpses...sailed with six ships and more than 1000 men... mission:...clobber the Spanish...so much treasure...rich for life...only...145 men made it back...Scurvy...flourishing a box in which he had kept his ear...historic appendage... example of what happens when you let war be declared by a bunch of politicos...

February 26 SALON magazine online: ...EXPERTLY CRAFTED CRAP...shallow, valueless director...sadistic, endlessly bogus, would-be journey...unintentionally hilarious ...dumb ass symbolism...a room full of moaning perverts...a guy getting an enema...124 minutes of gratuitous torture...look into Bob Barr's face...manufactured, sanctimonious outrage...a little girl being butchered...suffocating, overheated detail...outdoor porn bazaars...an orgy of blood vengeance for a murdered girl...whiny wife roles...

COMIC NEWS, Eugene & Coast #237:
...THE BILL CLINTON/ANDY JOHNSON CONNECTION...

1998

December 23 SALON magazine online: ...high tech fun yet?...fusion cuisine...frolic like teens...getting-to-know-you hell...riddled with tech toys and games...affluent geek professionals...gourmet yuppie crowd...games downright cheesey...tediously silly...nastily competitive...high tech workers with deep pockets...suckers...happily drunk groups...painfully pandering material...how silly the games are.

November/December MOTHER JONES magazine: ...Starr news leak has been found on a Wolf Blitzer dress jacket...Starr...will deny...LEAKSUAL RELATIONS...Blitzer... he fondled me!...no more leaks...news organizations are forced to create their own lies...

October NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: ...Last year worldwide sales of fragrance topped 15 billion dollars, more than 6 billion dollars in the United States alone. The silver-tongued industry that conjures these dreams is part circus, part creative magic, with smoke and mirrors galore...The first perfumes were incense, an unfurling plume of hope directed at the gods...

The bad news - the most unworthy load of crap ever published in the US was published this September. The good news - censorship is now dead in the US. Now the star of the STARR REPORT, Monica: ... I was babbling on about something and he just kissed me, kind of to shut me up ... I wanted him to touch my genitals with his genitals ...

August 20 EUGENE WEEKLY newspaper: ...A dozen people in loin cloths and smeared with mud streaked through Eugene last Saturday...he saw the group of topless men and women hanging "like monkeys" off a large, red metal sculpture...Mud people also make regular parade appearances at the Oregon Country Fair...

July/August MOTHER JONES magazine: ...Advances in medicine and gene research will dramatically increase the human life span by the early 21st century...On wall street, corporate giant Dr. Scholl's will acquire struggling Nike...Gerald Ford gets his next shot at serving another presidential term...

COMIC NEWS Eugene & Coast #221: ...The number of people jailed in the course of Ken Starr's investigation exceeds the number of support staff to care for them. Mass starvation ensues...

May WIRED magazine: ...Kurt Vonnegut gives a commencement speech about sunburn, scary viruses attack, Monica Lewinsky hoards a presidential semen stain...

4-3 THE NEWS HOUR, PBS: God gave man a penis and a brain but not enough blood to operate both at the same time.

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