The story of my blossoming rose.
My name is Roxy Wilson. I'm a 41 year old male crossdresser. I�m divorced and the Father of two boys ages 15 and 10. I`m currently in a long term relationship with a genetic woman as I�m heterosexual. My occupation is a teamster truck driver however I'm in the middle of a career change right now. I'm hoping to get into a tech job or something helping other people. I�ve been a teamster for 22 years.
My crossdressing saga is unique in my opinion. I didn't find out I was a crossdresser until I was 35 years old in 1995. I guess it started typically for a crossdresser as I went out to a Halloween party dressed as a woman. At the time I don�t think I even heard of a crossdresser. But I knew something was wrong. It felt like something I never felt before. From all the upbringing of my youth I assumed it meant I was gay. I was raised very Italian Catholic and we were always taught that anyone that did something so "perverse" as this must be gay. So I was quite upset for about 8 months. I couldn�t eat, sleep or concentrate on anything except what was wrong with me. That�s when I decided to finally talk with someone.
I choose a family friend in Kansas City, Kansas who also happens to be a psychiatrist. I told him my troubles and after getting a good laugh he informed me that I was a heterosexual crossdresser. I explained to him that I had no idea what he was talking about and he was kind enough to talk to me and then suggested I seek a support group in the area. I couldn�t bring myself to admit that I had a "problem" so I continued my downward spiral emotionally. One night, just by coincidence, I was watching television and saw a documentary called "All Dressed Up and No Place To Go" It ended up being about 4 heterosexual crossdressers. As I was watching it I couldn�t believe how much they all were saying everything I was feeling. At the end of the show was a reference to the support group known as Renaissance. I looked for them in the yellow pages, as I had no computer back then. I found a lovely soul in JoAnn Roberts. She immediately made me realize that I wasn�t alone. That might�ve been the biggest sigh of relief I ever had. So even though finding Renaissance would end up being one of the most important things that ever happened in my life, it was really just the beginning of a still long road.
I was living with my s/o at the time. We�d been living together since 1993. But as I said earlier, neither of us knew about Roxy. So now it was finally time to tell her about my new found feelings. I explained myself and all about Renaissance and my desire to go to a meeting. She became very upset and so did I. I didn't know where else to turn so I turned to Renaissance. I called JoAnn Roberts who stuck with me the entire time. Giving advice to me like a big sister. Telling to me be patient as this is very traumatic for her as well as me. So I took her advice and waited as long as I could. But 18 months had passed and the feelings were getting stronger everyday. So eventually my s/o realized this was something I had to do.
My first meeting was July 1998 and I haven�t looked back since. The feeling of finding others like yourself when for so long you thought you were alone is incredible. Renaissance is family to me now. It hasn�t taken the place of my genetic family, just become another family of mine. Its hard to explain that as I don�t want to take any feelings away from my genetic family, but Renaissance and Roxy have become so special to me that I find it hard to put into words.
My situation with my s/o is that she had a lot of trouble dealing with my transgenderism. Sometimes it was the dressing, other times it was the time my involvement with the community would take away from us. I think the hardest thing she's had deal with is that when we met and feel in love, I was this rough and tough teamster. I can�t get into too much about my past as it has questionable subjects that I'm not at liberty to talk about publicly. But let�s just say that some of my part time jobs had a rather tough guy image associated to them. When all the background that comes along with being transgendered comes to the limelight, I guess in her eyes it took away from that manly-man she feel in love with. By November of 1999 we decided that we needed to live apart to gather our feelings on all we've been through. We always stayed exclusive to each other and never feel out of love. In March of 2000 she called me and said she wanted to try to accept my crossdressing as she realized how much this was a part of me. She started coming to Renaissance meetings and even went out publicly with Roxy a few times. We�ve made great strides in our relationship and are always working on getting to the point where we can move back in together. Our relationship is not much different from most transgendered relationships. It�s a constant world of trying to compromise and we�re both learning all the time. But one thing I know we've both learned from all of this is that we truly love each other very much.
As far as Roxy goes, everyone knows about her. I'm very open with my crossdressing. My children, ex-wife and her boyfriend. Her family, my family, my job�. EVERYBODY. The only ones that don�t know are some of my children�s friends and that�s because as a parent I know how cruel kids can be sometimes. So they tell whomever they choose to tell and we take it from there. I don�t choose to dress around my children but I don�t hide it either. They look at pictures of me and my older son always shows an interest in where I go and what I do. I always talk to my boys and have a great relationship with both of them. I always make sure they�re okay with what I do. My oldest son has gone as far to say that he is proud of all my accomplishments as Roxy. He says it doesn�t matter to him how I achieve any success in my life. I'm his dad and he�s proud of me. I love my children very much.
When I moved out from my s/o I really had no place to go. I moved in with my Dad. My Mom just died on March 27th, 1999. My Mom was great when I told her about Roxy. She said, "Well, you were always my most handsome son, now you�re my prettiest daughter, too". I`ll never forget those words and how good she always made me feel. I loved my Mom very much and still miss her terribly. My Father has been incredible to me. He has tried so hard to understand what I do and why I do it. He helps me when I need to be zipped and will tell me if something looks right on me or not. Don�t get me wrong, he has his moments when he�s had enough, but for the most part he�s been phenomenal. He never gave me a bad time even knowing that I'm open about Roxy. When a neighbor sees me or says something to him, he just very calmly tells them that I'm a crossdresser and he has no problem with what I do.
I started seeing a therapist in September 1999. There were several reasons that I wanted to talk to someone, but one reason of importance to this story is that because once I started going to meetings and dressing more, I began having flashbacks to my youth. Serious flashbacks of crossdressing that would wake me up in the middle of the night. I had memories from as young as 10 dressing in my sisters clothes. And having 6 older sisters it wasn�t hard finding something to wear. The flashbacks stopped at 13 because that was when the last sister got married and moved out. The therapist told me in was very normal to block all that out when I was being raised to believe all that was wrong. Then I remembered telling my friend Robert about my crossdressing. I�ve been friends with him since we were 14. He just stared at me and said, "that answers about 10 questions I�ve always had about you". I asked him what he meant and he explained that I was always a little odd that way. He told me things I did that I never noticed. At party�s I was always in the room with the girls. Talking about makeup and things like that. Always liking "chick" movies, very sensitive. He remembered his wife (then his girlfriend) calling me and asking to go shopping. A lot of my friends wives did that because I loved to shop and would help them pick out clothes, etc. When I asked him why no one ever told me these things bothered them, he explained that they all trusted me and they were a little afraid of me. I had this reputation of being a little "dangerous". So in some respects I guess my therapist is right and Roxy has always been with me.
As I said earlier, I'm very open about my crossdressing. Once I found Renaissance, I really began to make up for lost time. But what really changed things was my first year at "Paradise at the Poconos" in November 1999. It�s a four-day crossdressing event. Going to the Poconos was for me was like metaphorically walking through a door. That was when I truly accepted that I was transgendered. It was a feeling of relief. So I guess that�s when I really started becoming a working part of the community that means so much to me. I started out by becoming the "Meet and Greet" girl for my local chapter of Renaissance. The Great Philadelphia Chapter. I then starting writing a monthly column for the chapter�s newsletter. From there I had a couple of stories published in the Transgender Community News. I was feeling more alive then I`d felt in a long time. I was reading everything I could get my hands about my community. I also was making friendships that are still the greatest friendships I�ve ever had.
I now speak at colleges for Renaissance and was asked and accepted a position on the national board for Renaissance. I'm now the National Outreach Director. But I think my personal favorite was being asked to do a one-hour guest appearance on a local radio talk show as Roxy and discuss my transgenderism. That was a thrill I`ll never forget. All my friends were listening and everyone said they loved the show. But I`ll never forget my roots and Renaissance. But I`d love to become more involved with my community except for the fact that my life is very hectic. Between my s/o and my children I'm always running around. But for now I do what I can and hope I make a difference. I write a monthly meeting summary for the Renaissance web site and I get people writing to me all the time. They tell me everything from how alone they feel and about wanting to come to a meeting. I answer all their letters with kindness and try to give all the help and compassion I can. I find this part of what I do the most rewarding.
I�ve made so many friendships through Renaissance and several close personal relationships that mean so much to me I have to mention them. There�s a small group of us, Sarah, Amanda, Kerry, Melissa and myself. We still talk about how we all seemed to meet at the November 1998 meeting at Renaissance. We've formed such a bond that it feels like a genetic family. We've gone out in our guy modes and met each other�s families. We always talk and help each other when one of us needs a shoulder. We go out together to many places and share a tight bond. That might be the greatest thing I�ve gotten from Renaissance. These wonderful people and their friendship. I love them all. But it�s still amazing to me that this community seems to have no boundaries. I�ve become with so many people in so many different walks of life that I feel its broadened me as a person. Opened my eyes to a world only select few get to see. I'm proud of my community. I also met a very special person who I must mention because she's done the most to help Roxy become all she is today. Her name is Donna Miller. She's a genetic female who is probraly the best friend I�ve ever had.
I met Donna at the Poconos in 1999. Roxy wasn't as "refined" as she is today and as I found out later, Donna was a little afraid of me. LOL But she was at the Poconos as a hair, wig and nail vendor. I found out that her salon was only 20 minutes from my house so I made arrangements to see her when we got home to clean my wig. Well before you knew it we began to get better acquainted and found our lives to be very similar. We went to New York together to help her buy things for her shop and the more we got to know each other, the better friends we became. She was helping me with shopping for clothes, accessories and even went as far as helping me tone Roxy down and become more of a lady. I was thrilled with not just the results, but the way Donna made me feel around her. I felt like Roxy. I felt like a woman when I was with her. We went everywhere and Donna showed me that I could go out in public and just blend. Oh sure, you will always get read here and there, but Donna taught me that it doesn�t really matter as long as you feel good about yourself. It no longer mattered if I was Roque or Roxy. Donna was comfortable either way and so was I. So when I could get dressed I did and when I couldn�t that was fine too. I started going to her church and actually felt like I found a religion that I was comfortable with again. I could go on and on about Donna, but I hope you get the picture. We�re closer then friends, we�re family. She's a very important part of my life and I couldn�t be happier with our relationship.
I really haven't got any sad stories other then the couple I've already mentioned from my past and with my s/o. Like I've said, I've always been very open about Roxy and accepted fairly well. My greatest thrills so far have been the radio show and my stand-up appearance at the Poconos. I hope in the future to attend more functions in my community and become as vocal a spokeswoman as I can become. I hope you enjoyed reading about a Rose that has blossomed. I'll be writing more stories about places I've gone and things I've done, very soon. thank you for sharing a little bit of my life with me. Always remember, a dream is a wish your heart makes.
Love You All
Roxy Wilson
xoxoxoxo
