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| All mothers-to-be have to put up with it, and when you have a big family, it happens even more often (and frustratingly much sooner owing to the sagging muscles) than it should� You know what I'm talking about��You are nearly nine months pregnant, roughly the same size and shape of a small rhino. You have a car full of noisy kids as you park your bus outside the school gates bursting with lunch-boxes, homework bags, snacks, games kits, musical instruments, Barbie-dolls, teddy bears and nappies. It's one minute to nine, the bell is about to go, the kids are arguing over whose cereal bar it was that has been crushed underfoot, you are bursting for the loo and terrified you'll sneeze and wee down your leg. As you hoist your toddler out of his car sear you get a tap on the shoulder, and that familiar and completely unbearable question for the twentieth time that week� "�'Aven't you 'ad it yet, then?" Your gut response is instant. Deck 'em! Of course, it's not conducive to good relations with the PTA to floor one of its members, so you take a deep breath, count to five (you never have time for ten) smile weakly and sigh..'No, not yet.' When, like me, you have a tendency to go well past your due date, these remarks, which tend to start at around thirty-six weeks and are repeated several times daily, can make you want to stay at home and vegetate, due to feelings of inadequacy, frustration or anger. With my third child, I got so fed up that I actually started to slip into depression because of it. But by the time I was in month 8 with my fifth, a choice needed to be made. Homicide or comedy. I chose the latter, thankfully, and kept my responses cheery and sarcastically crushing. As many of us find ourselves in this situation, I thought I might share some of these responses with you. I hope, one day, they may serve you as well as they have me. Twelve (Polite) Responses To The Forty-Week Question 1. Yes, this is a boil. 2. Nope, the gestation period on my planet is eighteen months. 3. No, but if you stand a little to your left you can see right past me. 4. If you let me know what date you gave the bookies, I'll do what I can. 5. I can see you're cross - I'll get on with it now, shall I? 6. Yes, of course I've had it! Isn't it obvious?? Look!!! 7. I tend to err on the side of caution and wait for labour to begin. 8. Not yet, but my doctor tells me I'm still normal anyway. 9. I'll add you to the list of people to SMS the instant I go into labour if you like. 10. Not yet. Just let me know what day is best for you, 11. I had the baby last week. This lump is the remains of the last person to ask me that question. 12. I think you should know that I have a concealed weapon about my person and I'm feeling rather hormonal today. Now, what was the question again? |
| Twelve (Polite) Responses To The Forty-Week Question |
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| � S A Owens August 2002 - First Published in 'Full House' Sept 2002 |