Shara Gail Lewis
(April 20, 1944 - December 12, 1984)
On December 12, 1984 my mother, Shara Gail Lewis was shot by accident in a parking lot of a bar. She was 40, full of life and beginning a new life after leaving my father. A good marriage that went bad (a typical story).
The man that shot her by accident was trying to kill her best friend and through a gun struggle, a stray bullet hit my mother. He was released from jail less than six months after the offense because his intentions were not to kill her.
I was 5 days to being 16 and was a daddy�s girl. Living with him and hating her. My father continually advised me not to burn my bridges with her but I could not be told anything.
There were many factors to my life on why it took me so long to grieve
my mother�s death.
I will start by giving some background to understand better.
I am the 3rd child of 4. I have a sister 5 years older, a brother 2 years older and a sister 5 years younger.
My oldest sister had just moved back in with mom and my little sister also lived with them.
My brother and I lived with Dad.
My little sister came to live with my dad, brother and me and my older sister remained in my mother�s apt and soon after married.
The reason it took me so long to grieve my mother�s death is because of many issues I had to deal with many years later.
It seemed that there was so much going on in my life and so many messages I was given, I put aside dealing with truth and facing death.
I was told that it was disrespectful to cry at my mother�s funeral, I don�t remember too much of the details involved but I do remember my grandfather telling me I must be in control of my feelings out of respect for my mother.
Being ethnically Jewish, there were some traditional mourning techniques
to help one cope with death and also out of respect for the dead. I did
not do this because of my ignorance and lack of proper religious training.
I thought it was all a bunch of mumbo jumbo.
I was also told that I was to have a birthday party to celebrate my 16th birthday because it would be something my mother would want.
Against my grandparent�s wishes, I did as my father said would be right and still regret that I ever did because it was just another way of ignoring my mother�s death and pushing it deep down inside.
Due to my father�s heavy drug usage, I became the parent because my brother ran off to the Navy. My father was too busy working and on his own time using; (though that would not be his story).
I too involved myself in heavy drug and alcohol use to numb the pain of my mother�s violent death also developed an eating disorder. At the same time try to care for my young sister, which I failed at miserably.
I was a typical rebellious teen. I soon realized I could not live with my father any longer, lived with his mother (my grandmother) for no more than 6 months, went back home not soon after because a misunderstanding with my father, I was living with my boyfriend of 8 months.
During this time of my life I was out to prove the world I was better than what I was raised believing and tried to live a fast paced life so I could avoid dealing with my mother�s death.
Drug use was wearing me down and slowly gave up on that life style.
I had to start to face the hidden past but I was not ready and became very suicidal. Went to therapy but nothing was ever resolved and the counselors were satisfied to blame my boyfriend for all my problems.
I then decided that after living with this guy for 4 years I might as well do the right thing and marry him.
So many big things happened at this point that it made me really think about my mother and my desire to have her near.
I married in mid 1990 and ��s in the year I began a personal and intimate relationship with Jesus. "My Testimony"
I immediately started having children (pictures of my boys), 3 in three and a half years.
By mid 1995, 11 years after my mothers death I had gone off to live on my own, graduated high school, started college (while working full time), married, became a new Christian and a new mother. Not to mention the many injuries I had to deal with from my husband, children and myself.
All these things coupled together made me want my mother even more and my depression got even worse.
I did not understand how I could want someone I did not even like when she was alive. I found my self dealing and thinking about her more.
There was a time that I was angry with her and soon I was angrier with myself for being mad at someone dead.
Then I tried to go through the process and still was completely confused at myself. I questioned how I could be thinking the thoughts I was thinking after all she has been dead for 12 years already. Yet I never had a stronger desire to know her better.
I walked into a book that really helped me understand what I was going through and that all my feelings were valid. This book is �Motherless
Daughters, Leaving a Legacy � by Hope Edelman.
From the day I opened her book I began to walk through the process and little by little I went through my grieving.
I now can talk about my mom and think about her in a very positive way.
I learned to accept her for the imperfect human she was and I
am able to forgive the past and get on with my future.
I still miss her, there are days I am sad without her. I wish she could see her grandchildren and show her the woman I have grown to be and I know she would be proud of all my accomplishments too.
I have realized how much like her I am and it makes me ever so close to her.
Even deeper than that, I know my personal relationship with God has given me the freedom to forgive and heal.
Without God being the biggest part in my life, I would probably be dead or lost in emotional distraught.
In closing, if you have lost someone and are still not dealing with it. You will have to eventually.
Why not start today?
