The Championship Manger Story
We started off our European adventure with a comfortable home win over Genk, a Van Nistelrooy pot shot, a Wes Brown header and a brace from Diego Forlan on his first game of the season, scoring via a header and a low drive into the bottom corner. This was followed by a home Premiership win over Aston Villa, Paul Scholes scoring the first of three Man Utd goals as early as the 3rd minute, whilst a Van Nistelrooy header and penalty late in the game secured the victory, and another clean sheet. We still had not conceded a single goal all season. We had played five and won five in the Premiership, scoring 13, conceding 0.
Perhaps it was an unlucky thirteen as we got beat 2-1 in Rome by Roma in our
next game. Vincenzo Montella put the home side one nil up at the start of the
second half. I brought on Solskjaer in place of Forlan, and Ole repaid my faith
with a goal on 67 mins. Montella had been injured and old boy Batistuta came
on to replace him. Fittingly, he scored the winner on 86 mins. The cunt.
A real cracker of a game at Goodison Park followed, where I was forced to field
a weakened team after many players were still tired after their trip to Rome.
After just two minutes Ole Gunnar Solskjaer scored a magnificent volley to put
us in the lead. Our joy was soon dampened by a Rooney goal four minutes later.
Nothing much happened until 60 minutes when I brought on Paul Scholes and Roy
Keane to see if we could get that extra goal. Keane managed to get two yellow
cards and was sent off on 72 minutes. Gobshit I thought, yet I can't argue with
brilliance! Scholes however set up Van Nistelrooy to score on 81 minutes. Scholes
then got one for himself on 85 minutes. On 87 minutes Diego Forlan hit a ferocious
shot, which cannoned off Weir into his own net. Lee Carsley pulled one back
on 90 minutes but it was too little, too late.
A disappointing 1-1 away draw with Spartak Moscow led me to buy the lads I had
agreed on. I was much happier with my squad now, but I was still stuck with
the transfers not going through till January. I can survive that long I thought.
Next match was against Leeds. This was another cracking match, and once again,
as with Everton, the score was 4-2! Van Nistelrooy scored on 13 mins and then
Solskjaer scored on 18 mins. Two nil and it was looking good, until the 81st
minute when Ian Harte stepped up to dispatch a stunning free kick past the stranded
Howard. We had three penalty appeals turned down during the match but Defoe
made up for this by scoring from a tight angle on 87 mins. The game was in the
bag, I thought. Seth Johnson gave me something to worry about as he scored in
the top corner on ninety minutes, but Ruud got one on 91 minutes to make it
4-2, and once again, it was too little, too late for the opposition. George
Gavin of Sky Sports interviewed Tim Howard after he put in a dodgy performance.
Reporter: "So Tim, you're first in the Premiership, it must feel
good. But despite having only three shots hit at you, you let in two of them.
Not a brilliant game, eh?"
Tim Howard: "How dare you fucking say that you scrotal sac cunt.
I'll kick your ass!" (remember Tim's disease now)
Reporter: "Sorry to all those watching at home, Tim suffers from
Tourette's Syndrome which causes him to swear when he doesn't mean to."
Tim Howard: "Yeah, but I did mean to swear, you shit packer."
Reporter: "Mmm…right, sorry about that, Mr Howard."
Tim Howard: "Okay, I get it quite a lot."
Reporter: "What do you get a lot Tim? Criticism of your football
skills or criticism of your inadvertent swearing?"
Tim Howard: (Leaping at reporter, fists in air) "My fucking swearing
you knob head! Agghhh" (Howard proceeded to kick the reporters face in).
This won't do Tim's reputation any good, and if he gets fined by the FA, or
worse suspended, I'll burst the cunt. This is what I thought after watching
the interview in my office.
I kept the faith in Howard (rather than risk being attacked) and played him
in our next match, a 2-0 away win for us at The Riverside, against a Middlesbrough
team who only managed a single shot on goal, giving Howard little to do. Solskjaer
continued his fine run of form with a tap in from a Wes Brown cross on 12 minutes,
and a typical Ryan Giggs goal on 90 minutes secured the win. Giggs collected
a pass from Silvestre (who was in fine form so far this season at centre back)
and proceeded to take it around both Boro centre backs, Southgate and Ehiogu,
then smash it into the bottom corner for his first goal of the season.
Howard claimed another clean sheet as we hammered Spartak Moscow 4-0 at Old Trafford. He didn't have to make a single save all match though! A Paul Scholes brace was followed up by a Van Nistelrooy strike and then Solskjaer added a fourth on 90 mins. We then played Bolton at Old Trafford where we watched Bolton Keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen make twelve saves to make the match 0-0. Maybe a little harshly, I gave the team a right bollocking when I got them back into the changing room. I could not believe they did not score. They only got 12 out of 24 shots on target and I was angry, what with it being a kind of derby match and all.
ME: "I don't care if you played your best, it was not good enough!
You had 8 shots on goal and only put 4 on target. That's ½ of your shots
on target. You think you'll be top scorer with accuracy like that! Why am I
paying you 65 grand a week? It's not to look like a horse is it? Why do you
look like a bloody horse anyway? Get your hair cut!"
Ruud: "Sorry boss. My da said that if I played my best then I would
never be criticised. I did play my best and yet you are criticising me!"
ME: "Tell your 'da' I think he is an idiot. As are you. Score in
the next match or I am cutting your wages for a week. Now who's your 'da!' ?"
At home to Genk and Ronaldo scored on the stroke of half time. A Giggs brace
sandwiched Van Nistelrooy's penalty. I told him after the match that he had
balls to take that penalty, after me telling him he had to score. He thanked
me and we were back on good terms.
Away to Blackburn next and United old boy Andy Cole scored just before the break.
Ronaldo equalised on 62 mins. Despite all our efforts, we could not beat the
bald headed Brad Friedel, who showed why he was USA no1, and Tim Howard showed
why he wasn't, as he couldn't save the only shot that was hit at him.
Ipswich in the league cup up next and a 3rd round demolition was seen at Old
Trafford even though I had fielded a weakened side. Chadwick, Forlan, Scholes
and Ronaldo all scoring to make it 4-0 to United. Home to Spurs in the Premiership
next and I have to say we totally outplayed them and deserved to win 5-0. Ronaldo
started the rout with a half volley on 13 minutes. Ole also scored a half volley
on 22 minutes. On 31 minutes Roy Keane hit a long range curling shot for the
third. A fierce left footed strike by Van Nistelrooy on 77 minutes put us 4-0
up and then Paul Scholes, who had already set up two, scored the fifth on 79
minutes with a low drive. Thank you sir, we are savage!