(and I do mean LITTLE substance!):

Want to know more about what I think? And links to my fiction...Read on...

Want to know what I think about Dating...

While most of this homepage is devoted to my growing vanity, there is a serious reason to put up something like this. When I was in college and first discovering the meaning of those 'strange feelings', there weren't a great deal of resources open to me. I was limited to second-rate porn and the occasional letter to Dear Abby. I eventually discovered some quality publications, and later was able to join the River City Gender Alliance. Unfortunately, LadyLike only came every 3 months, and the RCGA was a good distance away.

Had I had access to the Internet like I do now, those painful moments, those questions, that loneliness could have been lessened. Even now, just to see the homepages of thousands of sisters brings me up during down- times. I hope other sisters, just coming out, are able to use the 'Net to its fullest potential. It's true: We are not alone, and other people's websites are proof!

You've heard of a manic-depressive? I'm a compulsive depressive. While I have been very fortunate in so many aspects of life, I still feel the need to get bummed out about one thing or another every now and then. For two or three days, I sulk, feel sorry for myself, and get really desperate. Is it mental illness? Don't know. Don't think so. Don't care. I think it's balance. In order to feel happy, you have to know sadness. Pleasure comes at the end of pain. Light is dependent upon dark for definition. Good and evil, Republican and Democrat, meat and potatoes, brimstone and treacle. They all depend on the existence of the other. It's a dual world we live in.

Duality also includes the face we present to the world, as well as that we have internally. For me, I'm just now realizing this. In my male identity, I am harsh, unemotional, aggressive, uncaring. But internally, I wonder if that's really me.

As a child, I was very "sensitive". I would go to tears for no apparent reason. Certain songs on the radio would just paralyze me and touch me, ("Time" Alan Parsons Project, for instance). There are many other instances I could cite for discrepencies, but the point is: I am not who I seem to be in my "waking life".

I may be kidding myself, but I have recently readjusted my life goals. They used to be career oriented. Now, they are personal. (Sounds like a Jaws sequel, doesn't it?) My new goal is to find who I truly am, and be that person. It may mean living full time, it may mean surgery, it may mean nothing more than keeping my legs shaved every week. I don't know. The truth is, I don't know who I truly am. I know I've created a lot of who I seem to be just to avoid problems, but I don't know who the real me is.

As it stands right now, I'd like to start either electrolysis or laser hair removal. And I'm still bouncing back and forth on the decision of hormones. Confused? I sure am.

In November of 2000, I was laid off from my job. (It was an economic decision on management's part, and not related to any gender issues, or the quality of my work.) I spent the next 4 months searching for work with no luck. It was a very difficult time for me. Much of who I am came from what I did. And having that yanked away was tough. What was tougher was my inability to find new work. Honestly, it was partly my fault: the industry I had given 10 years to, had betrayed me. It was time to get out and find something better. Unfortunately, no-one else wanted anything to do with me, and I was forced back to that cold, cruel, cheap business. As I type this, (March, 2001), I am working again, but it's back in the old field. I'll say this and this alone: it's a paycheck. (I'm still looking for something better. E-mail me with your offers!)

During the 4 months of job searching, I decided to put more back into the community. I decided to run for the presidency of the RCGA. I won. (No-one else wanted it.) My goals are this: to give back what I have gained from being a member of this group; to help sisters and brothers as I have been helped; to teach those sisters and brothers to help themselves; and to reach out to other communities, including gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight groups. There's a lot of talent within the RCGA, and I hope to tap into it to make the group, and the individual members, stronger.

It is tough to be a T person living in the Midwest...not much to do...conservative attitudes. But, I like Nebraska. I may not be able to dress as Ronnie and go out whenever I feel the need, I also don't live in fear of crime. There is almost no pollution, and lots of space. There's also some of the coolest, most sane people you'll ever meet in the TG world here.

Want to know more about what I think? Read on...

I did not wake up one day and find Ronnie there in the closet. She grew over time, and many of the people that helped with that process can be found on the THANKS page...please pay your respects to them.

Does this seem like it was written more for my sake than for yours? That's why drinking and typing don't go well together, kiddies.

I'd love to hear your comments and opinions. Please e-mail me at [email protected]!