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Caveat: I'm no longer dating, however, many of the thoughts below still hold true.
I once dated another T-girl. (The first person I had been involved with in about 5-years.) We spent time together as 2 girls, as girl-guy, guy-girl and 2 guys. Either way, it was comfortable. It came down to who that person was, not what either of us were wearing. Remember kids: clothing just gets in the way of the real fun. While that relationship didn't work out, I did find something interesting.
That "relationship" and the resulting fallout made me see a lot of things differently. I had a strong attraction toward T-girls. I guess I was looking for someone like me: a part-time T-girl who dreams of going full-time. Someone who can play sister, brother, lover, boyfriend and girlfriend depending on our moods. But I've since learned that sometimes similarities can go too far. If you both want to be on the receiving end of something, someone has to give. That holds true in and out of bed. Two girls who both want to be The Girl, aren't going to have a lot of luck. And quite frankly, I'm finding that many of my sisters aren't as, um....stable as I am. Some girls don't know what they want.
Someone once said to me T-girls are a lot like teenager females. They're both experimenting with makeup, clothes, and hairdos. But I think that comparison goes a lot further. I think a lot of T-girls are looking for their identity. They're experimenting, not only with their appearance, but also with their personae, their behavior and their mental self-image. They haven't found what it is they want out of life, so they're likely to experiment. They're likely to sleep around, to tease, or to just tie themselves up, away from the world. They do things without thinking of others. They hurt people, without malice, but without consideration of the consequences. They do this because they don't know any better.
I know you're wondering why that particular relationship didn't pan out. I share a lot of the blame. I hadn't been seriously attracted to anyone for years, when I met her. And quite honestly, I was hoping to find someone to fall for. She fit the bill. Smart, funny, kind and yes, physically attractive. Unfortunately, she wasn't looking for ties to anyone. She said so on her website, and even told me so that weekend. But, I pressed ahead, not letting logic interfer with my desires. The only thing I can fault her for was letting me run wild with this fantasy that we were meant for each other. She could have put the brakes on at any time. Well, I can't even lay blame for that. When someone is doting on you, I think it's terribly difficult not to want, and enjoy that attention.
Men are an interesting case study in and of themselves. While once providing a big turn-off, they were, until recently, becoming more attractive as an option. I had been hesistant before because I relate too well with men: I do understand the male sex drive. I understand it too well. No, I've never dated a man, so my biases may be completely unfounded. The idea of being taken care and pampered of does have its attractive points. But I wonder: I've spent most of my life being independent, strong and self-reliant. If the right man came along and wanted me to take care of me, could I play that role? Or would I get bored and feel boxed in?
However, it's still a moot question for me. I've not been out with a man before. Oh, I've received plenty of offers, and I've been stood up on those I accepted. I fear this: for many guys, T-girls are an interesting fantasy. We provide some with a image of ultimate femininity. Others look at us as a way to indulge their homoerotic fantasies, while providing them with an excuse to deny their true sexuality. And for others, the fantasy is all that they want. They want to see our pictures, and dream about being with us. They want us to talk dirty to them. They want us to be the "ultimate woman" for them: the picture of femininity that so many genetic women have denied or ignored. But that's as far as they want it to go. They don't want to actually meet us for a date. They don't really want to sleep with us. They just like the idea of a pretty girl who flirts with them. That way, they don't have to have an actual affair and lose their wives.
Another concern with guys is this: I don't think most realize they may be going to bed with a lovely lady, but they're gonna wake up with another guy.
Until recently, I didn't think adult women held a lot of interest for me beyond friendship and sisterhood. (Fortunately, it's not something I'm going to have to deal with often. I've only been intimate with 2 women in the last 5 years.) While I may think of myself as inherently female, I don't have the same life experiences as they do, and can't really relate to how they see the world.
But, I recently met a young woman I was enamoured with. She's the friend of some new friends, and I couldn't stop looking at her all night long. True to form, my training as a male came into play. I couldn't talk to her. I couldn't keep up a conversation with her to save my life! It was like being 16 again. (Imagine, if you will, a squeaky voice saying "So, ummm, how's it going?" You get the picture.) That was about the best I could do! My male self has always been tongue-tied around women I found attractive. And because I've not had a lot of experience talking to GG's I liked, while as Ronnie, I shut down, socially. Go figure.
I have considered a polyamorous relationship. Maybe there's a husband and wife out there who could meet my needs as I meet theirs. My faith in triangular relationships is shaky. Too many dynamics. What if two of the three fall harder for each other than for that third? I'm told this kind of relationship is more prevalent than one would expect.
If you've read this page before and notice some changes, you're not crazy. My dreams and tastes do tend to change. And that's actually a pretty good excuse for not getting involved with anyone. Sure, I may be looking for specific gender right now, but who's to say I won't change my mind after entering a relationship?
The year 2000 was pretty disappointing to me. I've had my faith in personal relationships shaken. I've been teased, lied to, dumped, led on, and stood up. 2001 was much better, thankfully.
I rule nothing out, and reserve the right to change. As a matter of fact, if you know me at all, you should EXPECT me to change my opinions often.
I know what you're thinking: You're thinking "This gal needs therapy." You're also thinking "how does she know her dreams will change once I sweep her off her feet?" You're right. I don't. I'm just going off past experiences. I haven't dated a man. I haven't really dated a T-girl. I'm just going with what I know.
You're also bringing up a point about "aren't all relationships trial and error?" (Good job. I'm proud of you. You're right.) But if I'm going to emotionally and physically commit to someone, that's because I believe in that person, and I believe in us as a couple. I'm entering the relationship because I don't believe it's going to end. If I thought someone wouldn't work out with me, I wouldn't bother letting them into my heart in the first place.
I had been carrying a torch that had been burning for 8 years for a college sweetheart. I didn't do that because she was an extrordinary person, (which she was), I do it for because, firstly, I'd rather feel bad, than not feel anything at all, and pining away for someone who doesn't give a whit about you, is a good way to do that. Secondly, carrying a torch is a way, for me, of maintaining hope. When I keep my feelings for someone alive, I remember the good things about them, and us. I recall that someone once cared for me, and that reminds me that it could happen again. It could be that they'll return, or it could be that I'll meet someone new. Hope can be a very fleeting quarry.
I am flattered by compliments sent by people I've never met, but I'm also pretty skeptical. While I would like to think that I could meet that someone special that way, I REALLY doubt that will ever happen. And yes, I am holding out for that special person...sorry, casual sex went out when I was still in college.
Yes, sometimes, I do get horny. And yes, sometimes, I'm tempted by thoughts of just throwing off responsibility and respectability and living it up for a weekend. If that's what you want: fine. Say so. Be completely honest. I might say yes. But also realize, my interests are not limited to sex.
Let me be perfectly honest: (As if I've been lying heretonow.) I want Love. I want that perfect romance. I want it so desperately, I make big mistakes. I rush in where angels fear to tread. That's what I've done so far through life, and I'm sure I'll do it again and again and again. The problem is I try too hard. My only hope, I think, is for love to sneak up on me; Catch me when I'm not looking. One of the greatest love affairs I ever experienced happened without me trying. We were friends for a long time before we realized we had fallen. Even after it ended, I carried that person in my heart for about 8 years before cleaning out the old baggage to make way for the new.
Do I sound bitter, cynical and pessimistic? I'm not. I'm so hopelessly optimistic, it hurts sometimes. All I ask is that you be as equally honest with me. If you're just looking for sex, say so. You may be surprised by the answer. If it's friendship you want from me, and nothing else: great. And if love is what you seek in the world, good luck. Love does not find one if one is looking for it. (Rather Zen, huh? More on that at a later date, as I figure out just what my religious beliefs are.) Perhaps you should aim for "falling in like".
I do have a couple other rules I like to follow.
1. I don't date someone who is married.
2. Don't ask me to feminize you. I can barely do my own makeup.
3. I find excess body hair to be a turn off.
4. I don't want to meet someone just for sex. If you want to take me out to dinner, dancing, and/or a movie: great. Otherwise don't bother asking.
5. Don't assume because you bought me dinner, you're going to get some.
6. (note to self: go on date. Take notes. Make more rules.)
Am I wrong? Am I far off the mark? Let me know what you think: E-mail me at [email protected].
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