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by Paula
NY -- NC-17/S/PWP/SIMS
http://swiftgold.simplenet.com/ronins/ryosgirl.htm
SYNOPSIS:
| Sage, Cye, Kento, and Rowen mysteriously disappear with their mysterious significant others, leaving Ryo alone with his "special girl." |
MISH:
| Okay, so we don't like to review unfinished fics, nor do we specialise in reviewing non-yaoi lemons, but once I saw who the writer was, I knew we HAD to review this fic. |
MAKO:
| YES! The friends at MinkChat (you know who you are!) deserve this after a wee 'incident' a while back! I did my homework on this one, and I feel that this review needed to be done! |
MISH:
| A previous e-mail sample of Paula's writing led me to believe that her grammar skills were undeveloped; but, much to my surprise, the grammar mistakes in the story weren't as bad as I had anticipated. Then I remembered that Swiftgold proofreads all of the fics on her site prior to posting them (Thanks, Swiftgold! It's much appreciated!). |
MAKO:
| Yes, thank you, Swifty! |
MISH:
|
However, some grammar mistakes did slip through, such as the lack of the word "were" in Miss Paula's vocabulary.
excerpt: Her features was lightly pale... Her eyes and face was intoxicating... and ...when he and Aiko was introduced. |
MAKO:
| And Mish has the nerve to complain about me; at least I know when to use the word "were." |
MISH:
|
Evidently, my dear Mako, evidently you do... As for the story itself, it starts out with good description... which lasts for all of three sentences before degenerating into flattering descriptions of the Mary Sue known as "Aiko." |
MAKO:
| I get the biggest kick out of Mary Sue fics, just because most of them are LAME! There is all mush and no story. All you get is a REALLY good idea of what said Mary Sue looks like (or at least what she thinks she looks like!). |
MISH:
|
The setting of the story is a bit unclear, as it seems to change from place to place. The use of flashbacks contributes to this problem. To add insult to injury...
excerpt: He could still remember the first time that he met her... :::flashback::: |
MISH:
| I love it when writers tell me there's going to be a flashback. It's so hard to figure that out all on my own with nothing but the context to guide me. |
MAKO:
| I never would have guessed there was a flashback; my God, Paula, you saved me from being less confused. How can I ever thank you for pointing out my illiteracy?! |
MISH:
| I don't know if this fic is going to be continued or not, but I'm certainly not holding my breath. According to Swiftgold's list of updates, this story was added to her archives on November 17, 1999... Well over four months ago. Paula isn't listed anywhere on Swiftgold's handy "To Do List," so it looks as though a continuation is unlikely. |
MAKO:
| At least we don't have to look forward to more oozing self flattery! |
MISH:
| Because of its Self-Insertion Mary Sueness, I give this story a 3 out of 10... 4 if you're looking for a good laugh. |
MAKO:
|
4 out of 10, just for the laugh.
Fic reviewed on April 4, 2000 |