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by Black Dragon
S/NC-17
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bridge/7502/Fish.html
SYNOPSIS:
| Ryo and Cye have both convinced themselves that the other Ronin wouldn�t want them. However, a lively gift provokes them to confront the truth about each other. |
MISH:
| As the grammatical quality specialist of this review team, my feelings about this fic are divided. The story is good, not entirely original but good nonetheless; the language is almost poetic in the way it reads; and the pacing is great. However, poor Zippy, Jr. got the workout of a lifetime. There were a LOT of grammatical mistakes, albeit minor things such as "to" vs. "too" and "then" vs. "than." Also, the punctuation could use some work, especially around the quotes. |
MAKO:
| I'll be the first to admit that my grammar skills are lacking, yet I did notice quite a few of the boo-boos Mish pointed out. As for the story itself, I thought it was cute. Yes, cute! I like a nice, sappy, angsty romance every once in a while. |
MISH:
|
They�re really minor mistakes that I�m nit picking to point out, nothing a spell/grammar checker and a good beta reader couldn�t catch, but there�re just so many of them. But, alas, I�m in a nit picking mood.
excerpt: He gently lifted the bag from Ryo's hand and held it up. "This is a tropical goldfish! It must have cost a lot!" he turned back towards Ryo, "Why?" he asked. |
MISH:
| Nit pick: Goldfish aren�t expensive. They�re probably the dirt cheapest fish one can buy. One pet store I went to was selling them for 12 cents a fish. The fancy ones, with the exploding eyes and split tails, were only $3.00 per fish. |
MAKO:
| Well, I've seen some "specialty" breeds of gold fish go for quite a fair chunk of change. But then, I know most gold fish are quite cheap too. Seeing as how Ronin Warriors is set in Japan, it's quite easy to believe that a gold fish could cost a small fortune. Fish breeding is considered an art form there. |
MISH:
|
That�s true. Admittedly, I know next to nothing about Japan, so I�ll give you that one. But then there�s this:
excerpt: Ryo closed the door as he watched Cye go back and forth filling the tank with water. After the tank was a third full Cye turned the filter on, rolled up his sleeves and picked up the bag. He opened the tie and gently lowered the bag into the water, allowing the fish to swim out before taking the bag out. |
MISH:
| Nit pick: That would kill the fish. Going from the warm and cozy temperature of the bag directly to the cold and uncomfortable temperature of a freshly filled tank would shock the poor thing. I know, I killed a dozen 12 cent fish by dumping them in the tank right away. Then, going back for more 12 cent fish, I found out you�re supposed to let the bag float for an hour, periodically pouring some of the tank water into the bag, before letting the fish go. It lets them adjust to the temperature before they die from shock. |
MAKO:
| Boy and how, that would kill the little bugger. I have a few tanks in my little shack, and I would NEVER dream of doing that in a million years, especially with my salt-water tanks full of very expensive reef fish. Anyone with a fish tank would tell you that. |
MISH:
| But those are just my little nit picks. The rest of the story is good, although it does fall into that "link between our armours," "why do I feel more for him than the other Ronins" clich�. |
MAKO:
| I think that the armor thing is a way for Americans to justify why they like sleeping with each other. I reckon from watching the show, though, and what I know of Japanese culture, that they would shack up together with or without the armor link. But then that's just me. If you look at some of the "official" pics for anime, you'll notice how the creators sometimes blatantly suggest a yaoi relationship between their characters. |
MISH:
|
You�re more likely to have seen those pics than me, you hentai, you. But anyway, I did like Black Dragon�s use of rhetorical questions. They really involve the reader when used effectively.
excerpt: When had he allowed his feelings go deeper than friendship for the heroic leader? How had he allowed the 'no more than a little crush', go so far as to love? He shook his head as if to clear his mind. Never. |
MISH:
| Yeah, THAT�S the clich� I was talking about! See? Black Dragon even states it. |
MISH:
| 6/10. If you can get past the many grammatical errors (and most people can, save only the few of us English majors who give the language way more attention than it deserves), the story is quite entertaining. It flowed quite nicely, even if the writing did not. |
MAKO:
| I look for the artistic, so a 7.5 out of 10. Black Dragon has written quite a nice fic, and her exploration of their characters is very well done. |
MISH:
|
Is this a clich�?
Fic reviewed on May 18, 2000 |