| Newer News |
| I recently realised that for 'news' to qualify as 'news' then it must actually be 'new', and that the enormous rambling that I had previously, and rather strangely, dubbed 'news' was not 'new'. Therefore, I am going to write 'new news'. If you followed that, you are cleverer than I am. Firstly, Liam has just returned from a lengthy absence, brought about by his entry to Big Brother. Not wanting people to know that he was in fact 'Liam', the famous guitarist from Scimitar, he cunningly changed his name to 'Alison'. Anybody who knows him will have seen through his poor disguise right from the off. His game-plan was to, and I quote, 'win the moolah by any means possible'. He tried to smuggle a gun into the house, intending to shoot anybody who was more 'krazy' than him, thus securing the seventy grand. This plan didn't work as the gun was unsurprisingly taken off him before he managed to enter the house. Once he got in, his new plan was to get very drunk at every opportunity and bring his face up very close to housemates that he felt threatened his journey to victory, his breath smelling of white spirit and marmite. He then says 'If you ever cross me, I swear I will kill you! Don't test me! I'm bad! You down?'. This phrase is almost impossible to understand even coming from Liam who wrote all the the dialogue for the film 'Shaft'. In any case, it proved unpopular with the other housemates and he was promptly voted out. Tom has been in Japan/South Korea participating in the World Cup. He is playing for Saudi Arabia, his real name being, as I'm sure you all know, Iago Al-Jafar. He was very proud to be representing the nation that he loves so much. He was named in the starting line up against Germany and was in such a jublilant mood at his selection that he started a three-day bleech-drinking binge, ending two minutes before kick-off. Once on the pitch Tom responded to all requests from his captain by shouting 'I MIGHT HIT YOU!' at him and brandishing his fist. Every time he got the ball he would thump it out for a throw-in. Explaining his tactics in a later interview he said 'If you had half a brain you would realise that I was "making sure". The idea is that instead of trying to "play out" of the "defending third" you should make sure you don't give away possession to the other team in a bad position. You are a complete idiot'. When the interviewer responded that he perhaps could have chanced at least a short run with the ball, considering there were no German players within fourty metres of him, Tom bellowed 'I MIGHT HIT YOU!' at him and brandished his fist. He was left out of the squad for the next game. He's angry. Ben has been concentrating on his acting career. He has struck a blow for Oompa-Loompas the world over by starring in a hollywood film. He plays Frodo Baggins in 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. We're all very proud of him, but not half as much as he's proud of himself. When he got home after the lengthy shooting of the film he employed a maid. He refuses to learn her name and every time she says something that he didn't specifically tell her to say, he replies with 'I am Benjamin Cox. If you continue to piss me about I shall have you shot. Do I make myself clear?'. He also insists on wearing glasses which he refers to as 'spectacles'. He doesn't actually need the glasses and yet he still got ones with very strong lenses, and so now he bumps into everything and complains of headaches, or as he calls them, 'migraines'. Every time he hits something he says 'I am Benjamin Cox. If you continue to place obstacles in my way in order for me to bump into them, I shall have you shot. Do I make myself clear?'. Also, whenever Liam says anything, Ben will look irritated and say 'Oh do shut up Desmond'. We have no idea why he calls Liam Desmond. Last but not, if my Grandmother is to be believed, by no means least, is me. I have been at the Cannes Film Festival with my film 'The Erotic Shenanigans of a Nymphomaniac Mud-Wrestler'. I believe it is one of the most important films of our generation. It is about a woman's struggle in modern society and stars the talented young actress 'Buxom St Valentino'. I cleverly use a lot of subtle metaphors. To symbolise her new-found confidence in her role as a modern woman, she strolls around completely naked. To symbolise her vulnerability and the fact that even as a modern woman she still craves love, she hops into bed with everyone that comes within a one-mile radius of her. Not one to shy away from 'taboo' issues such as sexual freedom in women and to symbolise the universal bond between women of our time, there are no men in the movie. I expected an award for my art, but the fascist judges would rather award the stupid prize to a film about ruffians with broad regional accents who all take drugs. They clearly found my piece a little too radical for their old-fashioned, conservative tastes. When the winner of the award was announced I leapt to my feat and shouted 'You are all idiots! I've seen that crap movie! There are no vampires or robots and none of the women strip off! If you insult me in this way ever again, I will break all the windows in your house!' A classy time was had by all. Mike celebrated his joining of Scimitar by burgling houses. This is a skill he learnt in Hinckley, the most dull, grey hell-hole in the Western world. At our first practice session he tried to sell us a TV, a DVD player, some jewellery, a car stereo, a leather sofa, some silverware, a zimmerframe, a fridge complete with food, a goldfish bowl with goldfish and some unused cold-war soviet nuclear missiles. Liam bought the DVD player, Tom bought the fridge and goldfish bowl, throwing away the goldfish. Ben bought the jewellery because he thought it was 'supa-fly' and also the leather sofa stating the reason ' 'case I get some hunniez up in tha crib. Get my freak on! Know what I'm sayin?' We didn't know what he was saying. I bought the Soviet missiles to use in my new juggling act. I juggle the missiles, a chainsaw and a vial of anthrax. Twenty minutes into the session the cops turned up. Mike jumped onto the table and whipped out his nun-chucks swinging them around his head like a drunk person who doesn't know how to use nun-chucks. 'Come near me and I'll bash Liam! I'll bash him 'til his eyes pop out!' The great thing about our band is that we're such loyal friends. And so there you have it. Our exploits bound by the fact that we all made petty threats in an attempt to get what we wanted, none of which were carried out. Except, and I'm sure you saw this coming, Liam. Sunita didn't leave the house of her own accord, she is actually rotting under one of the tables after Liam killed her for making a joke that Liam deemed 'threateningly funny'. That was the news according to me. I hope you haven't read it all at once because I doubt I will get round to updating it for a few months. 'Peace out' or something to that effect. |