| News |
| This is news, so called because it is an account of the 'new' happenings in our band. Except that this part of the site has been up for quite a while so it's hardly new. From now on this is 'olds'. It's not very catchy. It has been an interesting couple of weeks for the whole band. We have all had brushes with the law at some point, some more seriously than others. Firstly, Tom found out that his Dog was shot by a duck that had got mixed up in drugs. Apparently, the heroic pooch, tried to intervene when the duck was attempting to rob the corner shop. A struggle ensued and unfortunately Tom's dog ended up taking a bullet to the head. He died instantly. Upon hearing the news, Tom swore a bloody vendetta against all ducks and picked up his 12-guage, gibbering wildly. He made some sandwiches and a thermos of tea before setting up his deck-chair on a nearby bridge. He sat there for three days straight, taking pot-shots at anything that sported a feather. He was left to his own devices until a wedding party trooped past, the bride's mother with a hat adorned with peacock feathers. After that the police had to get involved. Fortunately, Tom was by this point very, very drunk and missed the surprised lady. To this day, Tom maintains that she was 'a bastard duck in disguise'. I have spent the last couple of weeks arguing with 'modern men' at poncey coffee shops. For some reason I had become enraged at them and so decided to stand on the counter and bellow at them as loud as I could. I screamed about all sorts of things. Firstly that the sport they enjoyed was 'for little flowery dressed girly-wirlies', secondly that their alcoholic beverage of choice was 'weak as piss'. I then concluded that they were all a bunch of 'jumper-knitting, football-playing, church-picnic-going, fairy-cake-baking Fancy Dans'. It seems I had been possessed by the spirit of a drunk angry man from Sheffield. The court case is in a couple of weeks. I anticipate another stretch of Community Service. Liam has been in Cuba fighting the revolution. He arrived with a sling and a goodly supply of stones and started to fling stones at people who looked like 'Fascist Pigs'. Being a musician, fighting turned out not to be his strong point and Liam was soon disheartened by his failure to hit anything and so wondered off to find a MacDonalds. He couldn't find one and became thoroughly annoyed, deciding to crack open a litre of white-spirit. He was completely faced within minutes and so he resumed his fight for the freedom of the people. Unfortunately his stones were even more off-target with a litre of white spirit in him and a few broken windows later he began a lengthy bout of projectile vomitting. A local bobby finally picked him up and placed him in a jail cell for a night. It was then he found out that he was about 35 years too late and Cuba had already been liberated. Boy, was he embarrassed. And last but not least, Ben. Ben began a search for his biological Oompa-Loompa parents. He went to 'Somorset House Records Office ' and asked for information on his parents. The reply came that Oompa-Loompas were not catered for. Ben wittily retorted 'Is it because I is orange', considering his Ali G impression to be hilarious. The worker there was less than impressed. Ben became angry that his comic genius was going unnoticed and stormed out. Ben's next idea was to hire a private eye to carry on his search. He found a suitable candidate and hired him on the spot. The man trotted off to do his job. The next day the police arrived at Ben's house and questioned him about an assault on two Oompa-Loompas, perpetrated by a man who claimed to be working for him. It was then Ben realised his mistake. He had mistaken 'Private Eye' for 'Hired Thug'. Oh, how they all laughed. Apart from the innocent Oompa-Loompas. They became severely paranoid and now they refuse to leave the house. Oh well. |