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| Ben |
| The fourth to join Scimitar. Ben is a rather tall person. Tom and I consider ourselves tall but Ben dwarves us, which is perhaps why he plays basketball. Apparently he's had trials for the Leicester Riders and stuff like that, which is cool. Ben says that if he were a superhero, he would be 'basketball man'. We're all a little worried about his apparent lack of imagination. Ben is the singer and occasional Bass player of our fine band. He has enough self confidence for all of us and is a born showman. Why only last week he was out in town, drunkenly shouting the words to 'Walking in Memphis' telling small children Santa Claus is going to punch them in the face. In fact, that might have been Liam, I'm not sure. Anyhoo, I'm sure you're all wondering how Ben got so tall. I am going to tell you. Ben used to be 3 feet tall. That isn't especially amazing as we all were at some point in our lives. The strange thing is that Ben was 3 feet tall only 2 months ago. In fact, Ben was an Oompa-Loompa, enslaved the evil Willy Wonka. Ben lived his whole life in fear. Sometimes when Wonka was drunk, he made Ben do the Oompa-Loompa dance, while throwing boiled sweets at his head. If Ben flinched he would be beaten with a high density chocolate club. One evening Wonka was especially hammered and clubbed Ben even though he didn't flinch. Ben's fiery temper got the better of him and he bit Wonka's knee. Wonka was enraged. He got out a licquorice baseball bat and ran at ben, screaming profanities. Ben cleared off as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, persued by the babbling Wonka. Wonka was gaining. In desperation Ben ducked into a room he'd not been in before. A room that had 'DANGER' written in ominous red lettering on the front of the door. Ben was too little to see that high up and didn't read the sign. If he'd known what was to befall him, he wouldn't have gone in. The room in question contained the prototype for a new type of confectionary. A huge vat dominated the scene. It bubbled noisily with a viscous purple liquid. Ben scuttled round and hid behind it, for some reason believing that it wasn't the most obvious place to hide in a room with a large vat and nothing else.. He heard footsteps and the door handle began to turn. Ben panicked and climbed the ladder to the stop of the vat. Now as you had all probably guessed, Oompa-Loompas aren't the most graceful, aerodynamic of creatures. They are evidently not the most smart either, as Ben tried to walk the thin rim that separated him from a bath in bubbly goo. It took him only 3 steps to lose balance and plunge in, head first. What followed was a thoroughly hammed up display of splashing, writhing and screaming 'It burns! It burns!'. When Ben was finally dragged out, he was rather bigger than before. In fact, he was more than twice the size. Wonka was ecstatic. 'It works!' He bellowed. 'My Biglifying potion works! I'm the King of the World!'. Ben tried to carry on his job as Oompa-Loompa but he was too tall, messed up all the dances and looked crap. Finally Wonka kicked him out onto the street and that is where we found him. To this day we don't know what dastardly plan Wonka has that involves Biglifying juice but I wouldn't be surprised if the Iraqis were in on it too. And the Scottish. And also the Canadians. Mark my words; they're all up to summat. |