| WANTED: A tall well-built women with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music, and tal- king without getting too serious But please, only take notice of lines 1, 3, and 5 |
| A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small chiuldren. "You all have obssessions", he observed. To the first mother he said "You are obssessed with eating, you named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mum, " You are obssessed with money, again, it manifests itself in your childs name, you named her Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "come on Dick, lets go." |
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| How can you tell when lawyer is lying? When his lips are moving |
| Yo mama so fat she needs a watch on both arms cos she covers two time zones |
| What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms at the door? Matt! |
| Men are like computers: hard to figure out, and never have enough memory |
| It's this lads 18th birthday, so he says to his Dad, "Well, Dad, 18 today so I must be a man now!" His Dad looks at him and says, "Son, you're not a man until you've had a woman. I'll tell you what, heres fifty quid, get yourself down to the red light district and buy yourself a woman to show you EVERYTHING and then you'll be a man. So the lad heads off to the Red Light district but on the way he spots his Grandmother walking the other way. She says, "Hello son! Where are you off to?" So the boy explains all about it being his birthday and his Dad giving him some money to get a woman to introduce him to the delights of physical love. Gran eyes the handsome young lad and, licking her lips, she says, "Don't be daft son! Put your money away and come on back with me and I'll show you what it's all about and it won't cost you a penny!" Later back home Dad is sat watching TV when in walks the lad with a great stupid grin on his face. His Dad looks at him and says, "Well son, are you a man now?" "You bet Dad!" exclaims the boy and hands his Dad the fifty pound note he had given him. His Dad looks at the money and says, "Whats this? I gave you this to buy a woman." So the boy tells him about bumping into his Gran on the way and going back to her place after telling her what he was up to. His Dad looks at him, shocked, and yells, "Oh no, Son you NEVER fucked my mother?" His son just looks at him, shrugs his shoulders and says........... "Aw, be fair Dad........YOU FUCKED MINE!" |
| ONE DAY A PICKLE, CUCUMBER, AND A PENIS WERE HAVING A CONVERSATION. THE PICKLE SAYS: "YOU KNOW, MY LIFE REALLY SUCKS. WHENEVER I GET BIG, FAT AND JUICY, THEY SPRINKLE SEASONINGS OVER ME AND THEY STICK ME IN A JAR." THE CUCUMBER SAYS: "YEAH, YOU THINK THAT'S BAD? WHENEVER I GET BIG, FAT AND JUICY, THEY SLICE ME UP AND THEY PUT ME OVER SALAD." THE PENIS SAYS: "YOU THINK YOUR LIVES ARE TOUGH? WHENEVER I GET BIG, FAT AND JUICY, THEY THROW A PLASTIC BAG OVER MY HEAD SHOVE ME IN A WET, DARK AND SMELLY ROOM, AND RAM MY HEAD INTO A WALL UNTIL I THROW UP AND LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS!! |
| A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The Priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said "Father; remember psalm 129?. The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember psalm 129". Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went her way. On his arrival at his Church, the priest rushed up to retrieve the Bible and looked up psalm 129. It said "Go forth and seek, further up you will find Glory". MORAL OF THE STORY: ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB. OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPURTUNITY!! |