-Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
-Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
-Everyone has a right to be stupid; you're abusing your privileges.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Take my advise, I dont use it anyway
-Did you ever stop to think and forget to start again?
-I'd like to help you out.... Which way did you come in?
- Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up there'?
- Why doesn't Tarzan have to shave?
- Why is the Third hand on your watch called the second hand?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- Do Pilots take crash-courses?
- Do you think when then asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- How can there be self-help 'groups'?
- How do you get off a non-stop flight?
- If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
- If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
- Why do the signs that say 'Slow Children' have a picture of a running child?
A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Navy Chief: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it After I shot and killed the woman who owned this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the TRUNK!?!?
Navy Chief: Yes, sir.
Hearing this the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Navy Chief: Yes sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told there was a body in it.
Navy Chief: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who sopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Navy Chief: Yeah, I'll bet the liar said I was speeding, too.