The Decision
The day Kari left Vegas I heard from Dana. She was ready to offer me what I had wanted, which was a life with her. It seemed surreal that I had one woman who I had just started to know well and who's feelings hadn't fully developed on her way. And now I had the other who I had loved so strong and so long now offering me the world. In my mind I decided to be with Dana and to call Kari up and ask her to go back. Which I did immediately after speaking to Dana. Dana was someone I knew and loved and who understood my quirks and the faults in my nature. For those reasons the was safe and I admit I still loved her well. Upon talking to Kari she asked to continue on her trip if nothing else to set up a place of her own and be friends. Now I thought this was a bit fool hardy but I had told her I desired Dana, so knowing this if she still wished to come she could. I had offered her a place regardless of if we worked out and I was about to abandon her after she took such a risk. So she continued.
I told Dana about this shortly afterward and she accepted it. I told her I needed time to weigh things out and she granted it to me. And so in this condition I waited for Kari's arrival and tried to work things out in my head. How does one decide between the woman you have devoted so much to, and the woman who is willing to take risks for a slim chance. Kari knew how I felt but for some reason she continued, I had to ask myself why? I couldn't come to an answer but I knew she was moving across country to be with me. After so short a time of seriously talking to boot. Indeed it was a bit intimidating. But she did take the risk that fact is uncontestable, and the fact she did overwhelmed me.
For a long time I had hoped Dana might take such a risk. And hell with her it seemed no risk at all emotionally. She had told me St. Louis held little for her, and I don't see where I could have given her any reason to doubt my love. But she had never been motivated strongly enough to take it. And that hurt. It had bred a resentment and a feeling that I could never make her love me the way I loved her and that she would never feel the same. I felt I was missing something she needed and something I'd never be able to provide if I hadn't already. I had loved as strong as I could, but I had come up short.
I needed my affections and my desires requited in a way they never had been. Now I had a choice to make between this new intense woman and the one I had wanted for so long and who was now willing to make an effort. An effort which came only in the wake of Kari's departure.
It was with all this in mind that I awaited Kari's arrival on the 17th. It was early morning about 7 or so when she pulled into the apartment complex. I was tired from sitting out and chain smoking and she had driven through the night. But when I saw her my eyes opened to a number of new possibilities. Some people wouldn't say she's striking but to me she was beautiful and there was a warmth in her eyes which I felt from the moment she looked at me. It was peculiar but out there in the muggy air on little or no sleep I felt refreshed. We talked of the trip and my waiting and of Dana and how we felt about each other. That first day went by slowly with trying to get stuff into the apartment and speaking of where she might look for work or a place of her own. I spoke to Dana that night, somehow it wasn't the same anymore my mind was racing through varied possibilities and what might come. I had Kari and her kids in the house and I was forced to wonder if this is what I really wanted.
As the next couple days passed I felt increasingly drawn to Kari and to what might be. She is an amazing woman despite what is said of her. She has a capacity for love and depth of emotion I had never thought I'd find, and she expressed them freely. As time passed the choice became much more clear cut. I had found what I had wanted a woman capable of feeling as I did and perhaps even more importantly capable of expressing those feelings. I felt loved and I felt at peace with her which is something I had longed for. So I told Dana that I couldn't be with her anymore that we would indeed remain in the past. Of course the hope was to remain friendly but a mix of hurt feelings and outside attacks soured that. But I was happy. And somehow I knew I would be regardless of what other people would have to say.
