A Heart Divided
The love I had once felt so strongly for Dana was now waning with time and the pain of being away from her was overpowering. I could no longer exist as such, so as I have said I was disconnecting. Time was changing the nature of our relationship it had come so far, but everything seemed to be turning around. I wanted her and loved her but I could not have her. At that point she seemed as remote from being here as she did the day I met her. And for all our conversation she seemed as quiet about her feelings as she had been. It seemed our love had come to its head and I had missed it.
It was in this mindset that Dana and I began our last talk on our relationship. I came to her with my concerns and with only us in mind. After much talking I was forced to ask if she saw a future for us and in return I got little hope. I poured my heart out and begged but I guess she had lost a measure of faith in us as well. It was then that we seemed so distant and our relationship irreparable.
It happens to be that I was talking with Lucky, a.k.a. Kari at the same time. When in times of emotional trouble I turn to outside help and advisors to keep me sane and give me perspective. I talked to Kari and coach, a.k.a. Jules/Vern, at length during this time. They had become friends over 6 or so months. I also spoke with the wabbit, a.k.a. Lee Ann, who has been a near and dear friend for as long as I've known her in chat. She had seen me through much with Dana and I had seen her through a couple relationship issues. I had assembled good console throughout my relationships.
In this case I had relied heavily on Jules and Kari who I had grown increasingly close to. In fact I was quite interested in Kari. My interest and concern was friendly at first and had been for a long time. I had seen her in a couple relationships and I had talked with her at length about her problems and mine. We communicated remarkably well and I felt attached to her somehow. I knew we would be close friends but I had never counted on anything more. I had no such expectations until we spoke at length about Dana and failed relationships and desires. Kari wanted to speak with me on the phone and know more about me and become better friends. She expressed the desire to do things like that which was a bit overwhelming. Dana and I didn't talk on the phone regularly in fact it wasn't until I got sick almost 5 months into the relationship that we first talked on the phone. Somehow her directness struck me. That intensity in our friendship was something I had looked for in Dana and my relationship.
When Dana said she no longer had any hope I lost mine. All my fears seemed to culminate. And it was at the same time that Kari and I were growing closer. Some might call this opportunistic, I just call it coincidental timing. I was unresolved in my situation with Dana, but we did call it quits as of July 13 or so. It was painful without a doubt it was something I did not desire. But unexpectedly it opened a door which possessed great possibilities.
It so happened that the next day Kari lost her job due to daycare problems in Las Vegas. She had no where to really turn and all of the sudden I was single. And though I still possessed feelings for Dana I took a chance and offered Kari a place. She was in need and had expressed an interest in me and being with me so she accepted. I suppose more time would have been nice to ease into things. But taking a slower pace would have left her to get a new job and relocate or whatever. In doing so she'd set up other roots out west. And what is so wonderful about distance. So she moved here and we decided that perhaps we could date if need be. We could keep a distance and be able to get to know each other in person. So we did.
