Painful Realities
As I said it had come to a point where not being with Dana hurt. We had been an online couple for over a year at that point. We celebrated 15 months together in March and I must admit I'd pined for her long before that. But I knew that I couldn't go too many more months feeling the way I did. Perhaps thats selfish to say but I was only selfish in my desire for her.
On account of school I couldn't be with her when I wanted to. I was willing to wait, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. After school was over I had other considerations pressing me. I had a lease at my apartment til December and I had graduate work which I wanted to do. I looked into graduate programs in the St. Louis area but to be honest there were very few in my degree field. And those which did exist were not highly acclaimed nor did I believe I could afford their private and out of state tuition. In Tallahassee I had a strong chance of attending on full scholarship with a program which I was familiar with and which was well rated. It was also possible that I might be accepted to some of the more prestigious programs. All of which might call me to places around the country.
I presented all this to Dana and admittedly it was quite overwhelming to us both. But we decided as a couple that Tallahassee held some of the best prospects. Especially after the college of communications extended a offer to me. So Dana offered to come here within 3 months which would have been in mid-June. This was pending her getting a car and such but it was something for me to cling to. It was also conditioned that I was going to get funding, this based on my misunderstanding of the offer from the college of communication. And I did cling to it cause it offered me all I'd ever wanted.
So I marked off the days on my calendar the date we made the decision was March 16, so up thru June 16 I had the days counted. So I sat back and waited. I made no mention of it for quite a while. I told myself she was working on it and all would be well. This continued until about a month and a half through the agreement. Finally I brought it up and basically it had been abandoned. I admit I failed on my end of the deal, but it seemed that all hope was lost. It's unfair of me to say abandoned I suppose. Dana's mom has been sick off and on, she had some surgery pending. But no one knew when nor did we know how long recovery would be. In reality I suppose one could argue her mother and brothers are dependent on her. So basically she was written into failing in this effort too. I guess it is something I completely expected. Offers such as plane tickets and such for transportation didn't seem to allay fears and worries. I got the feeling that this would continue and perhaps I would wait indefinitely.
Perhaps the reality is that these concerns were all Dana had. But I sensed hesitation and fear of me and of a relationship of that nature. Whether I'm right or not I guess I'll never know but I felt that I was being kept at a safe distance. And somehow I sensed Dana and I would never be together the way I wanted to be with her. After months of feeling distant and sensing that she didn't feel the same about me I started to crack.
Emotionally I could no longer bear being the chief contributor. I had to always ask about problems and I was the one who brought up things like the desire to be together or problems. It seemed to me that Dana was content the way we were, whether I'm right or wrong that's how I felt. I acted on those sensations and suffered because of it. After a while I felt as if I were begging for inside information and emotions. It was a painful distance between us, a void that maybe I only sensed. But disappointments had made the void all too real. I resigned myself to the net and what little I had and gradually I detached emotionally. In my mind it was only a matter of time before my desires became too much or the void too large.
