Desires and Needs
Those of you reading this with any clue as to who I am and what I'm going on about would probably know about me and Wild. Those of you who have read other parts of this site will also have some knowledge of Wild a.k.a. Dana. For about 19 months she was the dominating force in my life, she was my inspiration thru my illness and the one bright spot I could always point to. I guess easily put I was very much in love.
I know some of you might be quite tempted to say that love is not the word here but I would contest that with all that I am. Dana was the object of all my affections and the subject of my dreams. For the longest time it was painful if not impossible to imagine my life without her in it. She was in my mind when I woke up and she remained there til I would sleep. And when I dreamt I dreamt of her. And my love for her carried over numerous temptations and hardships. For a very long time it never wained or failed and it was uplifting and inspiring. Anyone who has read my other pages which still exist might attest to that.
But it brought me great pain as well. Desires so strong are not without problems and those problems she and I could well document. There was a strong desire to be with her which I could not well repress and which became our undoing. Whether you, my reader, will believe this or not it is indeed the fact that I am an emotional man. I have a strong need for contact and the need to feel loved. And I'd like to think I am expressive in my love and desire to have such expressions returned. Perhaps I ask a bit much in this respect but it's just the way I am and I will not make excuses for that.
I guess one could say that Dana was of a contrary nature at times. A bit more reserved and stayed than I. I have used the word cold in anger and frustration but it is the wrong word for the condition. Dana was as expressive as she could allow herself to be, or that's what I'd like to think. And I know it brought her pain to see me wanting for something more. But regardless of how I tried to beat that desire back and check myself in the end I could not.
Those desires became much worse after we met in March. For a couple days we were together and it felt right. There were shortcomings and frustrations which I feel no need to explain in detail. But when she left I cried and I could barely stop myself from holding her from that plane. The painful reality was she had to go tho. And I guess for better or worse she was the stronger of the two of us. I watched from a distance and when she was gone I cried myself home. In my heart I feared I had lost my only chance to keep her and that fear never completely left me.
It was shortly after this that my need to be with her once again exploded. The desire being too strong and my will too weak I decided I could no longer bear the desire to be with her. We talked of frustration and a sense of longing which I had feared she did not feel. And at the end of our talks I was on the verge of abandoning all hope and hence the relationship. I was tired of checking my emotions and I guess I was tired of being the weak member. I was the partner who brought up problems and expressed myself a bit better. Not to fault Dana cause she had her own reservations but at this point my feelings of emotional isolations were becoming too much to ignore. So I poured out my desires with the hope of finding some similar sentiment. And I confess there was some and I had new faith in possibilities.
