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August
2001
Volume
2,
Number 4
Day
Trippin Bruce's
Battle Butt
wait, is there More? The
WITW Story Tar
Butt Buck Ratchet
Keeps it Cool National Events Editorial
Mailbag SpaceCoast Calendar Funnies
Shorts
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Don't
Let This Happen to You
There's a fellow who is an avid motorcycle
rider. Actually he's a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend of
motorcycle riding in years.
Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up
very early and goes meets his buddies for a nice long ride. On this one
morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his riding gear out of
the closet, and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave.
While out
there it started raining a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with
the rain and the wind is blowing at 30 mph. He comes back into the house
and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to
be bad weather all day long. So he puts his bike back into the garage and
comes back inside.
He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he
cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there
is terrible."
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out riding his bike today?"
Let's Think
About This
A
man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One
day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not
a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not
a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a
raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman,
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says,
"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten
years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He
takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is
that good!" Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've
had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!"
She
reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask
and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's
fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it
been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My
God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
What
if Motorcycles Were
Made By:
-
If
IBM made motorcycles ...
-
They
would want one big bike that people can ride if they first submit (for
overnight processing) a request to use the resources. Thousands of
other users could use the bike at the same time due to its ability to
efficiently schedule use of the major components. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe, six motorcycles.
-
-
If
Radio Shack made motorcycles ...
-
The
staff would sell you a bike, but not know anything about it. Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own bike!
-
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If
Oracle made bikes ...
-
They'd
claim their motorcycle was compatible with all types and styles of
riders, but when you got it home you'd discover the Cruising Engine
was still in development, the Short Rider's Support Extension was
three years away, and that indeed the whole thing was just blowing
smoke (Hey! Like an old Harley!).
-
-
If
Sun Microsystems made motorcycles ...
-
The
oil would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
-
-
Does
DEC still make bikes? ...
-
They
made good motorcycles in the '80s, didn't they?
-
-
If
Hewlett-Packard made motorcycles ...
-
They
would market the Reverse Polish Gear Shift Procedure, which requires
the driver to shift gears with his right hand, engage the clutch with
his left foot, brake with left hand and right foot.
-
-
If
Cray made motorcycles ...
-
They
would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other motorcycle
in the world.
-
-
If
Sony made motorcycles ...
-
The
BikeMan, which would be barely larger than a skateboard, can be
conveniently attached to your belt (whether you're using it or not).
-
-
If
Price Club/CostCo made motorcycles ...
-
They'd
be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
-
And,
of course: if Microsoft made motorcycles ...
-
Motorcycle
2000 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a pair of reinforced
steel wheels), would offer a 'plug and drive' way to connect new
add-ons to your bike (chrome, J&M radios, Widder electrics, etc.
would all be easily added to your bike's operating system registry),
take up 95% of the space in your garage, would claim to be the first
bike that lets you control how how much fuel is mixed with air while
the engine is running without knowing any special skills, and would
secretly interrogate your other vehicles to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft motorcycles, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good add-ons from J&M, Big Bike, Show
Chrome, Markland et al. only work with Microsoft motorcycles.
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