rainking

People ask me sometimes "Why do you consider yourself the Rain King? Well, it's a number of things. I first heard the term through the Counting Crows song of the same name. So let's start with the lyrics. It goes a little deeper, but this is basically it.

When I think of heaven (deliver me in a black winged bird) I think of flying down into a sea of pins and feathers and all other instruments of faith and sex and God in the belly of a black winged bird.
To me this first line means that the singer's (or my) view of heaven is up in the sky somewhere, where you have to be brought by a bird, in this case a crow. It's a part of the universe where you're world is whatever you envision.

But don't try to feed me 'cause I've been here before and I deserve a little more
I've heard all the reasons, all the possible excuses someone can give me, so don't bullshit me. I've tried and tried only to fail and I need something more right now. In fact, I feel I've earned the right to find a little piece of my own personal heaven.

I belong in the service of the queen
I belong anywhere but in between
She's been crying
I've been thinking
that I am the Rain King
To me, the concept of rain is a beautiful one. Rain is necessary. It renews life. It gives life to the lifeless, revives the weakening. It's all this moisture building up, and collecting until the sky just can't hold it anymore and it has to let it all out. That's exactly how I am. I can take more pain than the average person, but there comes a point where I need to vent and more often than not it creates more mayhem in my life than there needs to be. Sometimes I wonder just how much more I can take, and in a wierd way I take pride in my misery. But at the same time, I'm a decent person. I don't intentionally hurt people, so why can't I find my own little piece of heaven? I belong in a better situation instead of the middle of nowhere. She's there crying (I've had to leave again), and I'm thinking that I am the Rain King- I do it to myself.

I said "Mama, mama, mama why am I so alone?" I can't go outside I'm scared I might not make it home.
What did I do to deserve this place. The fear, the inability to walk out on the wire. I didn't used to be like this. If only I knew now what I knew then.

I'm alive, I'm alive- but I'm sinking in
I'm living in the strictest definition of the word. I'm breathing, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I go to sleep. I want that big love everyone dreams about so bad but I just can't seem to get where I want to be. Part of it is my job. Being 26 and working until midnight almost every night and working on the weekends makes it hard to have a normal life, especially when you're single. What happened to the dreams I had? Why do they seem so out of reach now? And my current situation isn't helping matters AT ALL. In fact, it's making it worse.

If there's anyone at home at your place darlin', why don't you invite me in?
Why not me? Do you not feel what I feel? Am I alone in thinking this might go someplace? So many times I've been down this road.

But don't try to bleed me, because I've been there before and I deserve a little more.
Again, don't fuck around with my head because I've been hurt and can't take much more of this.

I belong in the service of the queen
I belong anywhere but in between
She's been lying
And I've been sinking
And I am the Rain King
She's been pulling her shit again and it's driving me further into my hole, and therefore I have to leave and start over. Why can't it be simple? Oh yeah, I'm the Rain King.

Hey I only want the same as anyone.
Henderson is just waiting for the sun
Oh it seems the night endlessly begins and ends
After all the dreamin' I come home again.
I don't think I'm asking for too much. Henderson is a reference to "Henderson the Rain King" by Saul Bellow where he was waiting for daylight to shine on his life. Insomnia makes each day seem like an endless night. You go to sleep in the dark wee hours of the morning, and wake up usually in the afternoon if there's no reason for you to get up earlier. But I still dream, I still have hopes. They fade eventually and I come back to the realization that I'm not really sure if my heaven exists.

When I think of heaven (deliver me in a black winged bird) I think of dying. Lay me down, lay me down in a field of flame and heather- surrender up my body into the burning heart of God in the belly of a black winged bird.
Maybe my heaven can't be found on Earth? Maybe the only time I'll find peace is after my time here is through. Not a suicidal thought, just wondering if maybe my idea is just that- an idea. Not real. Only existing in some other level of the universe.

But don't try to bleed me 'cause I've been here before and I deserve a little more. I belong in the service of the queen, I belong anywhere but in between, she's been dying and I've been drinking and I am the Rain King.
She's fading from my mind and I'm alone. My only chance to try to forget is to crawl inside a beer bottle. I deserve better than this personal hell. Instead I'm here crying about my innocence, putting this smile on my face, hoping a little piece of happiness walks through the door and wants to talk to me.