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The Infamous Squidgygate Transcript

This conversation takes place during Charles' visit to the Cheshire home of the dowager Duchess of Westminster ( also referred to as "Nancy" in this transcript ). Camilla is at her home, Bolehyde Manor, in the West County. The tape begins a small way though the conversation and lasts six minutes until Charles hangs the phone up. It is noted that, on this tape, recorded on the night of Monday, December 18th, 1989, the references "I can't bear a Sunday night without you" and Camilla's mentioning of her son, Tom's birthday ( December 18, 1974 ) being tomorrow, was glaring evidence that this tape was pre-recorded, and broadcast in hopes that a ham-radio operator would pick it up.

Charles: "He was a bit anxious, actually."

Camilla: "Was he?"

Charles: "He thought he might've gone too far."

Camilla: "Ah well."

Charles: "Anyway, you know that's the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one's way along with - if you know what I mean."

Camilla: "Mmmm. You're awfully good feeling your way along."

Charles: "Oh Stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you, and up and down you, and in and out..."

Camilla: "Oh, Charles!"

Charles: "Particularly in and out!"

Camilla: "Oh, that's just what I need at the moment."

Charles: "Is it?"

[ At this point the scanner enthusiast speaks over, to record the date ]

Scanner Enthusiast: "December 18th."

Camilla: "I know it would revive me. I can't bear a Sunday night without you."

Charles: "Oh, God."

Camilla: "It's like that programme 'Start the Week.' I can't start the week without you."

Charles: "I fill up your tank!!"

Camilla: "Yes, you do."

Charles: "Then you can cope."

Camilla: "Then I'm all right."

Charles: "What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week."

Camilla: "Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time."

Charles: "Oh, God. I'll just live inside your trousers, or something. It would be much easier!"

Camilla: (laughing) "What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?"

Both laugh

Camilla: "Oh, You're you're going to come back as a pair of knickers!"

Charles: "Or, God forbid, a Tampax! Just my luck!" (Laughs)

Camilla: "You are a complete idiot! (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea!"

Charles: "My luck to be chucked down the lavatory and go on and on, forever swirling round on the top, never going down."

Camilla: (Laughing) "Oh, Darling!"

Charles: "Until the next one comes through."

Camilla: "Oh, perhaps you could come back as a box."

Charles: "What sort of box?"

Camilla: "A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going."

Charles: "That's true."

Camilla: "Repeating yourself...(Laughing) Oh, darling I just want you now."

Charles: "Do You?"

Camilla: "Mmmmm."

Charles: "So do I!"

Camilla: "Desperately, desperately, desperately. Oh, I thought of you so much at Yaraby."

Charles: "Did you?"

Camilla: "Simply mean we couldn't be there together."

Charles: "Desperate. If you could be here - I long to ask Nancy sometimes." [ AKA Anne Winifred Sullivan, the Duchess of Westminster, called "Nancy" by her friends. At the time of this phone call, the Prince was staying at her residence. Here, Charles is consulting with CPB about whether or not to impose upon Nancy's hospitatilty, by asking her to host their illicit rendevoux.]

Camilla: "Why don't you?"

Charles: "I daren't."

Camilla: "Because I think she's in love with you?"

Charles: "Mmm."

Camilla: "She'd do anything you asked."

Charles: "She'd tell all sorts of people."

Camilla: "No, she wouldn't, because she'd be much too frightened of what you might say to her. I think you've got - I'm afraid it's a terrible thing to say - but I think , you know, those sort of people do feel very strongly about you. You've got such a hold over her."

Charles: "Really?"

Camilla: "And you're..... I think, as usual, you're underestimating yourself."

Charles: "But she might be terribly jealous or something."

Camilla: "Oh! (Laughs) Now that's a point! I wonder, she might be, I suppose."

Charles: "You never know, do you?"

Camilla: "No, the little green eyed monster might be lurking inside her. No, but I mean the thing is, you're so good when people are so flattered to be taken into your confidence, but I don't know they'd betray you. You know, real friends..."

Charles: "Really?"

Camilla: "I don't..." (Pause)

Camilla: "Gone to sleep?"

Charles: "No, I'm here."

Camilla: "Darling, listen: I talked to David tonight again. It might not be any good."

Charles: "Oh, no!!"

Camilla: "I'll tell you why: He's got these children of one of those Crawley girls and their nanny staying. He's going-- I'm going to ring him again tomorrow. He's going to try and hold them off till Friday. But as an alternative, perhaps I might ring up Charlie..."

Charles: "Yes."

Camilla: "...And see if we could do it there. I know he is back on Thursday..."

Charles: "It's quite a lot further away."

Camilla: "Oh, is it?"

Charles: "Well, I'm just trying to think: coming from Newmarket...?"

Camilla: "Coming from Newmarket to me at that time of night, you could probably do it in two and three quarters, It takes me three."

Charles: "What to go to, Um, Bowood?" [ Bowood: the family home of Charles Maurice Petty-FitzMaurice , Earl of Shelburne, who'd been rumoured to have had an affair with Camilla, and who had been page of honor to the Queen in 1956. See his place in Descendants of William the Conquerer ]

Camilla: "Northmore." [ Northmore: A horse stud farm near Newmarket in Suffolk, at the time owned by Emilie and Hugh Van Cutsem. Parents of Edward Van Cutsem, the handsome, dapper chap who nearly was assigned to accompanying William to South America, on a polo visit--which was later cancelled, due to too many people thinking that such a holiday for William's "gap year" was too frivolous. He ended up doing a famous *** to Chile, instead. Edward was page at Prince Charles wedding to Lady Diana, and had been noteworthy for having been quite a ham upon the balcony. He married Lady Tamara Grosvenor, The Westminster daughter, on November 6, 2004. See Pics ]

Charles: "To go to Bowood?"

Camilla: "To go to Bowood would be the same as the same as me really, wouldn't it?"

Charles: "I mean to say, you would suggest going to Bowood, uh?"

Camilla: "No, not at all."

Charles: "Which Charlie, then?"

Camilla: "What Charlie do you think I was talking about?"

Charles: "I didn't know, because I thought you meant....."

Camilla: "I've got lots...."

Charles: "Somebody else."

Camilla: "I've got lots of friends called Charlie."

Charles: "The other one, Patty's." [ Patty and Charlie Parker -Tomkinson, the good friends of Charles, whom Diana felt betrayed by. Parents of the famous girls Santa and Tara Parker-Tomkinson --Tara had gotten into trouble for taking drugs, and for tattling to the Tattler about Prince William. Later, she was the first WINNER of Britain's I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. ]

Camilla: "Oh! Oh!, There! Oh that is further away. They're not...."

Charles: "They've gone....."

Camilla: "I don't know. It's just, you know, just a thought I had, If it fell through, the other place."

Charles: "Oh, Right. What do you do? Go on the M25 then down the M4 is it?"

Camilla: "Yes, you go, um, and sort of Royston or M11, at that time of night."

Charles: "Yes, well, that'll be just after shooting anyway."

Camilla: "So it would be, um, you'd miss the worst of the traffic. Because I'll er.... You see the problem is I've got to be in London tomorrow night."

Charles: "Yes."

Camilla: "And Tuesday night, A's coming home."

Charles: "No!" [ groans ]

Camilla: "Would you believe it? Because, I don't know what he's doing. He's shooting down here or something. but, darling, you wouldn't be able to ring me anyway, would you?"

Charles: "I might just, I mean, tomorrow night I could have done."

Camilla: "Oh Darling, I can't bear it. How could you have done tomorrow night?"

Charles: "Because I'll be (Yawns) working on the next speech."

Camilla: "Oh no, what's the next one?"

Charles: "A Business in The Community one, rebuilding communities."

Camilla: "Oh no, when's that for?"

Charles: "A rather important one for Wednesday."

Camilla: "Well, at least I'll be behind you."

Charles: "I know."

Camilla: "Can I have a copy of the one you've just done?"

Charles: "Yes."

Camilla: "Can I? um, I would like it."

Charles: "OK, I'll try and organize it."

Camilla: "Darling..."

Charles: "But I, oh God, when am I going to speak to you?!"

Camilla: "I can't bear it... Umm......."

Charles: "Wednesday night?"

Camilla: "Oh, certainly Wednesday night. I'll be alone, um, Wednesday, you know, the evening. Or Tuesday. while you're rushing around doing things I'll be, you know, alone until 'it' reappears.
"And early Wednesday morning, I mean, he'll be leaving at half past eight, quarter past eight. He won't be here Thursday, pray God. Um, that ambulance strike, it's a terrible thing to say this: I suppose it won't have come to an end by Thursday...?" [ James Whittaker feels that the "it" Camilla is referring to is her own husband, Andrew Parker Bowles, that it is a reference denoting lack of respect and liking. The "he" referred to is definitely referring to APB, who, along with his Army unit, was in charge of substituting for the striking ambulance workers at the time. As long as the strike continued, Andrew would be stuck in the city of London, not home with Camilla--though it's a mystery as to why that should make a difference in whether or not the Prince could take "favors" with his mistress. Andrew had his own string of mistresses. Whittaker feels that Charles was being selfish in wanting the strike to continue, as he was a future king, and should be more concerned with the welfare of his subjects, than whether or not he can get laid: "The ambulance strike of 1989 was one of the ugliest industrial confrontations in Britain since the miners' strike. It lasted more than 6 months, and cost more than ?35 million." People had suffered and died needlessly, due to the strike, which was 3 months along, and at it's height, at the time of this conversation. ]

Charles: "It will have done?"

Camilla: "Well, I mean I hope for everybody's sake it will have done, but I hope for our sakes it's still going on."

Charles: "Why?"

Camilla: "Well, because if it stops he'll come down here on Thursday night."

Charles: "Oh no."

Camilla: "Yes, but I don't think it will stop, do you?"

Charles: "No, neither do I. just our luck."

Camilla: "It just would be our luck, I know."

Charles: "Then it's bound to!"

Camilla: "No, it won't. You mustn't think like that. You must think positively."

Charles: "I'm not very good at that."

Camilla: "Well, I'm going to. Because if I don't, I'd despair. (Pause) Hmmm - gone to sleep?"

Charles: "No. How maddening."

Camilla: "I know. Anyway, I mean he's doing his best to change it--David... But I just thought, you know, I might ask Charlie."

Charles: "Did he say anything?"

Camilla: "No, I haven't talked to him."

Charles: "You haven't?"

Camilla: "Well, I talked to him briefly, but you know, I just thought I - I just don't know whether he's got any children at home, that's the worry."

Charles: "Right."

Camilla: "Oh, Darling. I think I'll..."

Charles: "Pray. Just Pray."

Camilla: "It would be so wonderful to have just one night to set us on our way, wouldn't it?"

Charles: "Wouldn't it? To wish you a Happy Christmas."

Camilla: (Indistinct) "Happy. Oh, don't let's think about Christmas! I can't bear it. (Pause) Going to go to sleep ? I think you'd better, don't you, darling?"

Charles: (Sleepy) "Yes, Darling?"

Camilla: "I think you've exhausted yourself by all that hard work. You must go to sleep now, Darling."

Charles: (Sleepy) "Yes, Darling?"

Camilla: "Will you ring me when you wake up?"

Charles: "Yes I will."

Camilla: "Before I have these rampaging children around. It's Tom's birthday, tomorrow. (Pause) You all right?"

Charles: "Mmm. I'm all right."

Camilla: "Can I talk to you, I hope, before those rampaging children...?"

Charles: "What time do they come in?"

Camilla: "Well, usually Tom never wakes up at all, but as it's his birthday, tomorrow, he might just stagger out of bed. It won't be before half past eight. (Pause) Night-night, my darling." [ James Whittaker feels that Camilla's emphasis on Tom's birthday being tomorrow, meant that she was trying to give Charles a hint: "but the penny doesn't drop. It's clear that he hasn't sent a present." I have no information as to whether or not he had. ]

Charles: "Darling....."

Camilla: "I do love you."

Charles: (Sleepily) "Before..."

Camilla: "Before half past eight."

Charles: "Try and ring?"

Camilla: "Yeah, if you can. Love you darling."

Charles: "Night, Darling."

Camilla: "I love you."

Charles: "I love you too. I don't want to say goodbye."

Camilla: "Well done, for doing that. You're a clever old thing. An awfully good brain lurking there, isn't there? Oh, darling, I think you ought to give the brain a rest now. Night-Night."

Charles: "Night darling, God bless."

Camilla: "I do love you, and I'm so proud of you."

Charles: "Oh, I'm so proud of you."

Camilla: "Don't be silly. I've never achieved anything."

Charles: "Yes, you have."

Camilla: "No, I haven't."

Charles: "You're greatest achievement is to love me."

Camilla: "Oh, darling easier than falling off a chair."

Charles: "You suffer all these indignities and tortures and calumnies!"

Camilla: "Oh, darling don't be so silly I'd suffer anything for you. That's love. It's the strength of love. Night-night."

Charles: "Night darling. Sounds if you're dragging an enormous piece of string behind you, with hundreds of tin pots and cans attached to it. Night-night, before the battery goes. (Blows kiss) Night."

Camilla: "Love you."

Charles: "Don't want to say goodbye."

Camilla: "Neither do I, but you must get some sleep, Bye."

Charles: "Bye, darling."

Camilla: "Love you."

Charles: "Bye."

Camilla: "Hopefully talk to you in the morning."

Charles: "Please!"

Camilla: "Bye, I do love you."

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "Night."

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "Love you, forever."

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "G'bye. Bye, my darling."

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "Night-night."

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "Bye-bye."

Charles: "Going."

Camilla: "Gone."

Charles: "Going."

Camilla: "Gone."

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "Bye, Press the button."

Charles: "Going to press the tit."

Camilla: "All right darling; God--I wish you were pressing mine."

Charles: "God, I wish I was! Harder and harder!"

Camilla: "Oh, darling!"

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "Night."

Charles: "Love you."

Camilla: (Yawning) "Love you. Press the tit."

Charles: "Adore you. Night."

Camilla: "Night."

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: ( Blows a kiss--or farted. )

Charles: "Night."

Camilla: "G'night my darling, Love you."

Charles then finally hangs up the phone....

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