I finally realized today just why I seem to feel so distant from everybody else that I know. Aside from feeling different, and becoming different by my own free will, I also feel the notion that it's pushing me away from the people I thought I was so close to. I haven't seen a member of my family since last night, assuming my parents work, its understandable, but my brother doesn't have a job. I don't wake up to see my parents off to work, nor do I wake up and see a note on the table, asking or telling me anything about the day. I leave a practically empty house, and come back to an empty house, with no real knowledge of where my brother will be home. Typically, I come home to a computer that doesn't connect to the internet, so not only am I feeling secluded, but I'm frustrated because I have no idea how to fix this.

Up until recently in my life, I never realized how hard it is to have a life. Nor did I realize how hard it was to say you actually do... Personally, I don't believe I have a life, and those of you who tell me that I do, have another thing coming. I don't see how I do, in any way. I'm practically normal, and thats the scary part.

My friend Bianca and I were talking in an e-mail about how we used to feel like we were the only ones alive... and right now for me is one of those moments. I get off the bus, say bye to my neighbour and walk into an empty house. No sign of life at all, except one cat, and the barking of dogs in a back room. My neighbour on the other side of my house is completely deserted and its just plain boring, creepy. Not coming home to any sounds of talking and/or other music is almost enough to drive me insane... I'm almost tempted to just break something, or punch something, hurt myself just to see if it'll make any difference in this world. To see if I can feel, to see if someone would notice...

Right now, I have three important dates. One being this Thursday, a dance, one being this Saturday, driving with drivers ed., and then the 20th of December, which I'm planning a party with about 15 of my 'closest' friends. The dance will probably be alright, the drivers ed will be nerve-racking, and the party will hopefully turn out okay. I guess theres only one way to find out.