This world is so stupid. Sometimes I wonder why I even live here... Everything that involves school, or girls seems to have the tendency to piss me off more than anything I've ever experienced except death in the family. Optimistism, the cure for all negative aspects of life, but still the hardest accomplishment I have yet to actually see.

I think for once in my existence, I have found someone who's more negative and pessimistic than I am. I never realized how much of a pain in the ass it is trying to convince someone that something isn't their fault and they shouldn't apologize! And for that, it just tells me how much I really should open up my eyes. I tell everyone else to lighten up, and grow up, but its me that needs to change. Although sometimes I tell myself otherwise, I know out of everyone I know or don't know, I'm the one that hasn't changed yet. I'm still the stubborn, stupid kid that wishes he could be something great... I may be one step ahead of some people, but I'm 6 feet under everyone else.

Today was a total fuck off day and as I open my eyes a little, I realize it's still that way, for now at least. Right now though, I doubt this will be the last day I've felt this way. I wish everyone could just fuck off for a day and leave me the hell alone, but no, then I'd be anti-social, so instead, I torture myself by trying to fit in with a bunch of people that have more important things to do. I 'make friends' but struggle to keep up with everyone elses pace. Sometimes I feel like all I have is aquaintances, no friends, and my 'friends' are just aquaintances who know they can use what I have to get what they want out of everything. This could be everything from booze to just finding someone else to be bored with... or is that what 'friends' are for? I wouldn't know, I'd probably be the last person to know that.

Contradiction, the factor of life. Isn't it strange how the people who would normally tell you not to do something, or to be someone, and they're the only people/person who are that way themselves? Today for example, Katlin was running I got snow in the face from his shoes, so I kicked some snow back at him which turned out to be mostly slush, and I accidently hit this girl, who turned around and bitched me, telling me to grow up! Typically, this was coming from one of the blondest, most immature smoker I've ever met in my life. The people whom I hate, are the ones who dispise me... isn't it ironic.

All I really wanna do is just bitch and complain right now. Nothing else seems to ease my tension any better than that. Everyone 'tries' to help me... and talk to me, when all I really wanna do is just be left the hell alone and beat the shit out of something. I wish people could just realize what I go through, read my mind or something, and just realize how much I begin to hate this world.

Ironic, typical, predictable, stupid, spontaneity, pathetic, materialistic... these are just a few words which I can use to describe life and this world. Maybe thats all I really need to do, is grow up... I'm too me to be in society, nobody seems to understand me, and maybe I don't either, that being one of my biggest flaw. Am I just too immature to see everything clearly? Too immature to face life directly? Or maybe life just sucks and I'm not supposed to fit in... after searching for so long, I clue in that I still haven't found "my spot" in life.. Why?...I think I've stopped my bitching now, for tomorrow will come and I'll be back to square one all over again.