...well, what can I say? The title says it all. I feel like an empty void without a purpose, I don't even see the point in anything I do. I feel like I've been faking my happiness through my entire life... everything seems so fucking pointless I don't fucking get it! Just when I feel like everything is in my grasp, I realize I never had a fucking grip on anything to being with, especially reality. Nobody has any fucking idea what the hell is going on in my head, but yet, I think everyone is going through the similar thing in their own... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore! I don't think I ever did. Me, I'm just trying to search for a little happiness, but who the hell would find anything in me, when I can't find anything in myself? They say you hafta find yosurelf before you can find someone else, well, I'm gonna be searching for a long assed time! Joedie did some tarot cards on me through the internet, which aren't exactly that accurate for me since its not in person, but even those cards are depressing when they were related to me. "A turn of events or your own indecision leaves you feeling bound and restricted. You are afraid to leave an unpleasant relationship or job. There is the possibility of illness." I dunno, maybe I'm dying? I dunno... "Nine of Swords: this card indicates a time of great misery, sadness, and depression. There could be a perminant loss or death of someone close to you. Severe illness is possible." They just keep getting worse.... All they talk about is illness and death, will this pain ever fucking stop? I just wish I didn't fucking exist... but I don't even think that would make anything easier for anyone!
Life fucking Goes On, I know, but I wish everyone around me could just fuck off sometimes, jesus christ... I can't figure out how people can be so optimistic... "Look on the bright side..." look on the bright side of what? Thats like trying to pay a fifty dollar bill with Fourty-two, it ain't fuckin happenin, and you can't see the bright side when theres nothing there! They say, 'The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer' well, I think theres one about being depressed. The optimistic see more bright sides, as the pessimistic see more dark sides, and I sure as hell am not going to see the bright side any time soon. I have NOTHING going for me... so I know how to work a little bit with computers, I know how to use a mixer, hook up a stereo and I can write a bit of bullshit, but its NOT going to get me anywhere... I found out the difference between a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist and realize that I'd rather be a Psychologist, but also realize that I probably need to see one or the other cause I got fucking issues or some shit... I'm going to sleep now, see if anyone gives a shit... I feel like I'm going to throw up, am I makin myself sick, or is it this 'severe illness' that its telling me about? Ugh... >.< 3 words for me right.. I Have Issues.... just wanna leave..
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